Chapter 7 – Felicity Part 2

AN – I warn you guys now not everyone will appreciate my take on Felicity's feelings so you are still reading at your own risk! Pls know that my thought process is not to portray her as a 'victim' with all responsibility and choices being Oliver's. I wanted to empower her but I still struggled w/ her voice so pls be kind if you review. Oh and this will bring us to Diggle's Chapter - I just wanted to note that as I know the time sequence is a little confusing!

Mic, this will look different from what you read to beta for me but hopefully you'll enjoy it anyway! :)

DISCLAIMER – Still working through the mess from the show so all credit/ blame goes to CW as the owners of Arrow.

Felicity left the apartment shortly after Oliver did but realizing he was probably headed to the lair Felicity chose to go to QC to work instead. There was plenty she could do from there for both of her jobs. It also gave her more time to think but truly she was tired of thinking, tired of worrying about her relationship with Oliver, about the Team, everything, but especially Oliver. It seemed they had been doing this dance forever – one step forward, two steps back. Never more than friends but always more than friends. Felicity nearly screamed in frustration as she forced her focus back on her work once again.

By mid-morning, Felicity had a bit of an epiphany – Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream! Right now she was avoiding it like the plague and hated it…well, not hate but she was still pretty angry with it. She really wanted to just get a pint of Phish Food or Chunky Monkey and just process with one of them instead…but then she would think about Mint Chocolate Chip and remember it was still her favorite.

As Isabel Rochev walked by Felicity grimaced, amended her last thought, and grumbled snidely out loud, "Clearly Mint Chocolate Chip is everyone's favorite." Felicity aimed a glare at Isabel's back for that reminder but continued her analysis with a sigh.

Ok, I can't really blame everyone else for wanting Mint Chocolate Chip but I can blame Mint Chocolate Chip for being available to everyone else. So perhaps I do find another flavor – one that is interested in me but doesn't end up in the hospital… If I've moved on to Phish Food and someone else is spooning Mint Chocolate Chip…bad, bad analogy…3, 2, 1…

Felicity shook off those disturbing mental images and decided to channel Team Arrow again – logic and strategy over mushy emotion.

Felicity realized she needed to accept that Oliver wanted someone else. She had thought they were on the same page and working toward a future where she could be the someone he cared about AND be with but any Magic 8 ball would say 'all signs point to no' for that one. To accept his choice she needed to decide to bury her not so platonic feelings and just focus on the Team. Surely as a founding member of Team Arrow she had picked up a few tricks from the boys such as stoic indifference, right?

Oliver isn't actually totally indifferent and Felicity would swear he cares about her but she couldn't help but wonder if that was enough for her. They had never verbalized any promises but there was definitely a bond that grew stronger each day. Would there be a time when his 'caring' wasn't enough and would it hurt more to leave then? Could she protect herself from that pain?

Despite carrying a full workload for QC and the Arrow, Felicity continued to ponder all of these questions throughout the day but she wasn't able to find any answers within herself except more anger, hurt, fear, and frustration. As she snapped at an unsuspecting IT intern Felicity realized her feelings were still out of control. Perhaps that control thingy the boys did was more difficult than she had thought Felicity realized with a grimace.

She looked up then and saw Oliver across the room and remembered how he had been when he first returned. He had come back from the Island full of righteous anger as the Vigilante but he had found a way to become better, to become the Arrow. Felicity knew Oliver's burden was much worse and made her current struggles pale in comparison but it still shed light on her current pain and actually made her more sympathetic to his journey.

It also forced her to acknowledge just how far he had come since his return (even since the second one). Even though she saw him as a hero she thought there was still more to his journey but shouldn't you accept the person you love as they are? Felicity realized she couldn't accept him as he was (not with that whole Fantasy Island complex of his) and he clearly didn't want to change so where did that leave them?

Friends! Partners!

As Felicity let that idea settle into her head and heart she felt the anger explode again. They were a Team or they were supposed to be but Oliver had been acting completely on his own. His relationship with Sara was his personal business (again, the lair was still wrong) but bringing her onto the Team without discussing it was Team business. She and Diggle had rights here too! Plus he pulled that stunt after they'd had a similar discussion when he brought Roy in without telling them.

While Felicity had just decided to bury some of her feelings and protect herself she also now felt the need to share some of her feelings and protect the Team. Of course, that meant she would need to talk to Oliver and Diggle – they were a family and she would fight for that, fight for their friendship, but only as an equal. She didn't know if Oliver would accept these new rules but that choice would be his just as it was her choice to demand them.

Felicity saw Oliver only briefly at QC during the day but she could read the questions that lingered in his eyes. She expected that and was surprisingly unmoved but she could also see the hope he was placing in her answers as well and that shook her new-found determination.

The hope he placed in her truly scared her as she knew she was the light to Oliver's dark but she had just realized she too had some darkness in herself … she had been hurt, she now bore new scars and carried new nightmares that replaced some of her own light. She also needed to change more, needed to be more like him actually and that new person might not be who Oliver wanted or needed in his life either now or in the future.

Felicity had to wonder if she was strong enough to be with Oliver as a friend and partner. She needed to be able to share his burdens and understand him. Just as their current struggle wasn't really about Sara, Felicity finally also realized it wasn't entirely about Oliver. He viewed himself as broken and unworthy and in her worst moments lately Felicity had viewed him that way too but that was unfair. It was also unfair to expect him to be the only one to change. Felicity wasn't perfect either as the last days had confirmed – she had withdrawn from her friends, spoken in anger, and blamed both Oliver and Sara for her plight. She was no longer sure she could be light enough for them both.

Felicity buried her head in her hands and barely bit back a sob. The beeping of her phone startled her and Felicity was even more surprised to Oliver's face on her screen. His message was short but effective – Off to train. Hope to see you at the lair.

Felicity then remembered his words from this morning – he wasn't giving up and was willing to do whatever it took. Felicity finally allowed herself to hear and accept those words and she couldn't stop a smile. Even if she was supposed to be the light in their relationship that didn't mean the burden was always on her. She needed Oliver to find the light in himself and maybe he was doing just that. Perhaps they could make each other better going forward?

Clearly they both needed more time before they were ready for "more" but that didn't mean they couldn't continue the journey as friends until then. Felicity took a moment to fully consider that path and realized the choice was hers. Very quickly though she realized there really was no choice as she wanted to remain with Oliver and the Team.

Her decision made, Felicity headed over to the lair to give Oliver his answers. She paused at the bottom of the stairs and locked eyes with Oliver as she remembered his questions. 'Felicity, I just need to know if you are ever going to talk to me again, look at me again. Me! Not the CEO, not the Arrow. Are you ever going to let me back in?'

Felicity continued to hold his gaze for several more moments before she gave a single affirmative nod agreeing to let him back in.

AN2 – Felicity really was difficult for me to write as I think she would go back and forth a bit in what she wants, what she hopes, and the emotions which may be dominant at any given time but hopefully I've at least represented that struggle! Oliver's POV is next and will take us a little further forward!