Chapter 8
"And it's best to eat a lighter ramen when you have something bothering you, like vegetable or miso ramen..."
Naruto sighed disconsolately. He fiddled around with his chopsticks, and poked his ramen for a bit.
"Perhaps you would like to talk about whatever is bothering you, Naruto-san?"
It never ceased to amaze those who saw it. In fact, for those in the know it was almost a game- a sport- to catch sight of it. It could happen at any given time on any given day... But whenever Uzumaki Naruto and Hyuuga Hiashi were seen eating together at Ichiraku's ramen stand, people subtly gathered up to watch from the clothing store across the street.
Forgetting, of course, that if he chose to, Hiashi could activate his Byakugan and see right through the clothing racks that said observers were hiding in. Of course, when he DID do such a thing, Hiashi merely reflected back on his childhood, whenever he used to do the same thing to play hide and seek.
It should also be noted that Hide and Seek was the worse game ever to play in the Hyuuga household. Yes, even worse then Yahtzee. Or Hyuuga Monopoly (after all, there was a monopoly for EVERYTHING).
"How did you know something was bothering me, Hiashi? But yeah... I guess you could say I'm having a problem..."
Hiashi could never quite get Naruto to address him in a manner that befits his station. After hearing of how Naruto addressed Tsunade-hime and Jiraiya of the Sannin, he was rather glad that he had never had a nickname bestowed on him, and just let Naruto call him by his given name.
Hiashi took a closer look at Naruto, and nodded sagely.
"Ah, yes... So what exact manner of Woman Trouble might you be having, Naruto-san? After all, the Hyuuga are amongst the manliest of manly men in all of Konoha, and surely my advice could aide you in your time of trouble."
Naruto had to hide a snigger at that. Anyone related to Neji claiming to be manly? Naruto had heard stories from Tenten about the sheer amount of time Neji put into hair care alone...
But thinking about Neji made Naruto think about Tenten, and it brought his problems back to the forefront. And if someone was offering him help, he wasn't gonna say no.
"Well, see, there's this girl I like. Or I liked. I don't even know anymore, and that's the problem! See, I used to be sure she was the one for me, and that I just needed more time and she'd come around and see how awesome I am. But then, there's this other girl... And I just don't know anymore! I mean, I could really see myself with this other girl... But I liked the first girl for so much longer. And I just keep on feeling like I'm forgetting there's a third girl out there, but for the life of me, I can't think of a name... Oh, yeah, and I keep on getting creepy vibes from Gaara's sister. Like, REALLY creepy. Or maybe they're coming from Gaara?"
Naruto felt better after spilling his romantic woes. Many people would be shocked that Naruto was even thinking this deeply about this subject, much less that he'd be able to elucidate them to someone.
Even more so that said person was Hyuuga Hiashi.
Hiashi leaned back in his seat, pondering the question. Truly, such a tangled romantic dilemma could only be solved by a mind equal to the task, and was it not said that the Byakugan brought untold perception to its bearer? This indeed was a question unsuited for someone below Hiashi's own incredible mental prowess.
"Well, Naruto-san, many men find themselves in similar situations... Though usually far less complex. Your devotion to your first love is truly commendable... But sometimes it is best to see what the world has to offer. And let it not be said that making decisions in haste or with incomplete information was ever a good idea. No, it sounds as if you should perhaps explore your relationship with each girl that you have the ability to remember, and see which is best suited to yourself."
Naruto and Teuchi (who had been casually listening in to the conversation... People had begun to come to him looking for gossip, and if this wasn't prime, juicy material, then he didn't know what was!) both turned that over in their heads.
Hiashi patted Naruto on the head, and nodded at him when Naruto looked up, surprised.
"But I must depart... The duties of my clan beckon, and I can no longer put them off. Consider my words, Naruto-san, and with luck your problems will be solved."
Naruto barely paid attention to Hiashi walking away... No, he was lost in thought.
Thought which, if it was to be properly depicted, it would be something like a small scale riot made entirely of Naruto's.
Mini-Naruto's yelled and screamed and fought, shouting their opinions loudly on what Naruto should do, all the while being pseudo-reigned in by an aspect of Naruto that represented his logic, reason, and determination.
'Hokage'-Naruto was trying to get all the other Narutos to shut the fuck up, so they could get something done. All too often, the chaos that reigned in Naruto's mind when left to wander on its own was too much. There was much truth to the statement that Naruto's mind worked best under extreme pressure or guidance... In those cases, only one Naruto usually took charge. But when left to his own devices?
Chaos.
And then, Sex-Drive Naruto just had to go and make it worse.
"Guys! Tell me you understood that! That guy just told us to get with all the girls, and see which was the best at 'it'! That dude's like a major clan leader, or something... This is like official permission to get laid with a bunch of girls at once!"
THAT stunned all the Narutos. Maybe there was something to that whole 'manly' thing Hiashi mentioned?
But, despite the ever-growing strength of Sex-Drive Naruto... Such an act went so far against Naruto's personality, that it was inconceivable that he'd do it.
There were strong supporters for each girl (heck, there were even a few that said he should go for that weird alcoholic girl that was always following him around!), and in the end, Hokage-Naruto began waving around his hat, causing all the Naruto's present to shut up and be lured into to the hypnotic dream of what THEY would look like with that awesome hat, and listen to him.
"It's clear that we can't come to a decision yet... Hiashi was right. We need more information! And no, Sex-Drive, not like that! We need to talk- Just talk, damnit!- to the girls, to feel out- No, that's not what I meant, and you know it!- the situation."
Hokage-Naruto grumbled... It was so much easier just dealing with the loud and/or annoying aspects of his personality... But having an aspect that acted like Jiraiya? That just plain out sucked.
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Hinata pouted in despair. It wasn't fair! Each time she saw Naruto approach, she began to work up her confidence (and not just with her good ol' friends, Jack and Jim and Mr. Morgan, either) to go out and visit Naruto... And each time, her father headed out before she could even reach the door!
It was like he had his own secret spies amongst the Hyuuga, who had a larger vision range then Neji had managed to train!
But... The stand was close enough to the gardens that if Hinata placed Neji on guard of the Sake storage room, Hinata could sneak over and listen in.
And Hinata heard her father's words.
And she didn't need long to figure out what he meant.
'So, as long as Naruto approaches me first, it's ok for me to hug him, and for him to hug me back, and then kiss me, and take off his pants...'
Hinata wiped a trace amount of drool from her lips.
Hinata stood up.
She knew what she had to do.
And she was just drunk enough to have the confidence to go do it!
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Of course, it had to be at that exact moment that Sakura arrived at the scene.
Just as Hinata rounded the corner, and entered the Ramen stand from the left... Just as Naruto stood up from his seat, to leave... Sakura arrived from the right.
And Sakura recoiled from the sudden death glare that Hinata sent her way. Or at least Sakura thought she saw... it disappeared as quickly as she noticed it.
Sakura had spent the last few days thinking up the best possible plan of attack to win Naruto back for herself. Sakura was methodical and meticulous, if nothing else.
So she had plotted. She was pretty sure she still headed the pack, even if Tenten was quickly gaining on her.
What were a few priceless gifts in the face of years of devotion?
Sakura repeated that thought in her mind quite often, to keep her confidence up.
Sakura researched Naruto's habits, to find the perfect time to approach him.
And she found out that such research was completely unnecessary, as he was exactly where she would have expected him to be.
But... What the heck was Hinata doing here?
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"N-N-Naruto-kun..."
"Naruto!"
"Eh? What are you two doing here?"
Hinata, sensing that Sakura would scoop Naruto up here if she didn't step forward, 'stumbled' a little towards Naruto, catching herself on his arm.
"I... I live here."
"Oh."
'Yes... This is going perfect! Now that he puts it together, he'll realize that his favorite place is at my house!'
Sakura wasn't as clueless as Naruto. She could see clear as day what Hinata was trying to do! And she wasn't going to lose out to that weird girl!
So Sakura slipped over to Naruto, and looped her arm through his free one, and tugged lightly.
"Come on, Naruto... We need to, erm, go out and train a bit!"
Now, much could be said about Naruto's cluelessness, especially on subjects of social interaction.
But even he wasn't THAT stupid to not see what that this was not normal behavior for either girl.
Naruto began to look back and forth between the girls, who were almost growling at each other (though, to be fair, it was only scary coming from Sakura... Hinata just couldn't summon up the viciousness necessary to be imposing, threatening, or scary in the least).
And before Naruto could react, someone else walked onto the scene.
Or perhaps stomped would be the more appropriate wording.
"Naruto! Do you even know the unimaginable horrors I've seen while you were out on your stupid mission? Because you had to have your little girlfriend along, I was forced into what must be the worst torture imaginable! I've seen hell... And it's green!"
Unfortunately for the girls, there were some responses that were hardwired into Naruto's subconscious mind, reflexes honed by years of repetition.
When an asshole starts yelling at him, Naruto yells back! And probably gets into a fight! Dattebayo!
And Sasuke was at the top of the charts in Naruto's personal 'Assholes I need to beat up' list.
"What the hell are you talking about? I don't have any say in team assignments... If I did, I wouldn't be on yours!"
However... Neither girl had relinquished their hold on Naruto, a fact that Sasuke quickly noticed.
Sasuke was taken aback... He knew that the Hyuuga girl stalked Naruto, but Sakura was one of HIS fan girls, wasn't she?
And then he noticed that they were glaring at him.
And while he shrugged off Hinata's attempt at intimidation... He was put off by the fires that seemed to light up in Sakura's eyes.
He had no way of knowing that he had set her off with that little 'girlfriend' comment.
Up in the trees, Jiraiya cackled.
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Jiraiya, as was his wont, had once more been following Naruto around, for more material for Icha Icha Swords. The story was actually quite a ways done, with a large amount of the plot completed.
Of course, little episodes like Hiashi's speech ('I never knew he had it in him!') made perfect additions, though.
And now he had other girls competing for him, AND his rival appears?
This was fucking literary gold!
"Oh, don't be so jealous that you didn't get to go on the mission, Sasuke... Naruto only took out an A rank missing-nin, and scared off two S-ranks... You didn't miss THAT much."
Indeed, it seemed as if that little Haruno girl had done a complete 180 on her love interests.
And the look of dread that appeared on Sasuke's face was hilarious too.
"Two... Two S-ranks missing nins?"
Jiraiya had to stifle another cackle as he realized where the conversation was going, and how he knew the littlest Uchiha would react.
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"Oh yeah, I never got a chance to tell you about that, did I? Yeah, I'm so awesome that S-rank ninja run away from me!"
Sasuke choked back a gasp... No! He had thought Naruto had just been joking when he heard him that one time in the restaurant!
"... Do you know who they were?"
Naruto's face lit up gleefully.
"Of course! One of them was a giant fish dude..."
'Ok, one down... Unless Itachi has gone through a massive physical change, that's not him.'
"... And the other guy was your brother!"
Thunk.
"Uhh... Sasuke? You ok?"
It seemed as if the mere thought of his brother- Uchiha fucking Itachi!- running in terror for Naruto was too much for Sasuke to deal with.
"I guess I'm just so awesome that Sasuke can't handle it?"
Hinata gently tugged Naruto's arm.
"I... I have some ramen in my house... 'Special' Ramen... For you..."
'Special' Ramen that could be classified as 'Grey Goose Vodka' if Naruto became curious and actually asked Hinata what the contents were.
In other words, it was Ramen spiked with Vodka.
Yummy.
As Naruto's eyes lit up about the proposition of 'Special' Ramen, Sakura pulled on his other arm.
"Come on, Naruto! You just ate, and we need to go train! Don't you want to train with me?"
That, too, was tempting. After all, Sakura had never wanted to train with him before...
But... Special Ramen sounded so intriguing...
Before he could make a decision, a new person entered the scene.
"Uzumaki. My sister has gone missing. I need you to help me find her."
"What?? What the hell are you talking about, Gaara?"
And somehow, everyone missed Jiraiya falling out of the tree in shock that he hadn't noticed a fucking Jinchuriki hiding in the same tree as him.
Luckily, though, all eyes were on Gaara, and Jiraiya was able to rehide himself.
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Gaara had, that morning, decided to implement his next plan to aide his sister in her current endeavor.
He had, before the sun rose, woke her up, knocked her unconscious, and tied her up in the woods.
Waiting for an opportune time, Gaara had been watching from the same tree that Jiraiya was in, for the perfect moment to get Naruto to go after his sister.
It was indeed a good way for Naruto to save his sister from some nonsense threat, and build the foundations of a relationship.
"My sister was not there this morning. I have reason to believe she's out in the woods. You must find her."
Sadly... Gaara had taken too long.
"Um... Gaara, your sister is over there. And she looks pretty pissed off."
Gaara turned, to see his sister stalking angrily over to him.
'Perhaps I should not have awoken her before knocking her out? But I had to make sure she was unconscious...'
And as Temari dragged Gaara away from the scene, stating that the two 'needed to have a talk', Gaara could only lament at his sisters complete lack of understanding of the subtleties necessary to get herself a man... Why hadn't she just stayed put?
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"That was... weird."
"Y-Yes... Now, about that 'Special Ramen'..."
"No way, Hinata! He needs to come train with me!"
Before the scene could resume, though... Tenten arrived on the scene.
And Jiraiya once more thanked God for his students' ability to generate perfect timing.
"Hey, Naruto... Hokage-sama sent me to fetch you for an important discussion... Apparently he knew we were planning on another lesson this morning, or something."
Naruto nodded, and disengaged his arms from the two stunned girls.
Both of whom were stunned for the same reason, one that Sakura vocalized.
"Lesson? What on earth are you teaching Naruto?"
Tenten, who had begun to walk back the way she came, and winked over her shoulder...
"Why, the proper use of his sword, of course!"
... And both Sakura's and Hinata's world crashed down around them.
'That hussy is teaching Naruto WHAT?!'
But, before either could demand a further explanation, both Naruto and Tenten were gone.
And boy, did Teuchi have amazing gossip THAT day.
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"Ah, yes, thank you for getting him so promptly, Tenten... You may go now."
"What the heck do ya want to talk to me about, Old Man?"
After waiting for Tenten to leave the room (confused at why the Hokage had even sent her for Naruto if she wasn't even supposed to stick around), Sarutobi stood up.
"Naruto... We have received word different Akatsuki have been assigned to you. Apparently, the failure of Hoshigake Kisame and Uchiha Itachi have driven the leader to assign more teams on you then previous... And what's worse, we aren't even sure which ones he's sending..."
"Aww... Well, I guess that means I have whole new S-rank ninja to defeat, eh?"
"Um... I suppose that's on way to look at it, Naruto..."
'But I wish we just knew which people were being assigned to Naruto's capture, so we could better prepare...'
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"Well, this is a huge disappointment, isn't it? Kisame, do you have ANY words for your rampant failures?"
"Pain-sama... You... You know what would happen if I should lose Samehada... I simply can't risk it!"
Pain sighed. He was indeed informed by Kisame about what should happen if he lost his sword, and he wouldn't wish THAT fate upon any man.
"Well, what do you have to say for yourself, then, Deidara? You failed to capture the Jinchuriki, too!"
"Well, yeah, but he had both Tsunade and Jiraiya with him, yeah!"
'Hmm... That is indeed troubling news... Those two are quite dangerous...'
"Well then, it seems as if we must send out more men, to better handle the situation. And no, they won't include you, Kisame, so you can relax."
And thus the most evil leader of the most evil organization in all the elemental countries (a title which defaulted to him after Orochimaru was squished) plotted his most diabolical plot yet...
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"Gaara, what has gotten into you lately? You've been acting... different."
Temari, on escaping out of the woods, had built herself up into a truly impressive righteous feminine rage. How DARE Gaara knock her out and leave her tied up in the woods? And that wasn't the first time he'd knocked her out randomly lately, either!
But, after finally finding Gaara, the wind was swiftly removed from her sails. After pulling Gaara away, and getting him alone, she had been about to lay into him like she did Kankurou.
And then she looked him in the eyes, and suddenly remembered that Gaara had a habit of randomly squishing anyone with sand that yelled at him, much less tried to drag him anywhere.
Thus, the mild question starting the conversation, instead of loud ranting.
"I do what I must, Temari... I do what I must."
To Temari, time seemed to slow down, as Gaara lifted his hand to point at her.
And the last thought she had before Gaara rendered her unconscious once more was, 'Well, I should have seen this coming...'.'
Creating a sand clone to carry Temari, Gaara directing the clone to head out as far into the woods as it could, before turning around himself and once more searching out Uzumaki, to convince him of the dire emergency of someone trying to impersonate his sister, after kidnapping her.
'Truly, an epic mission where they shall bond over Naruto's rescuing of her. Now, I just need to find some villains to set up to capture her...'
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"Yes... I know how to handle this..."
After 30 minutes of dastardly plotting intermingled with sinister laughter (and intermittent games of Yahtzee amongst those too bored to take part in the general evil atmosphere... Then again, playing Yahtzee might actually be considered a minor evil in and of itself) the stupendously evil Akatsuki leader arose from his seat in the shadows.
"Hidan and Kakuzu are the next logical choices to send after the Nine-tails... But to ensure that they do not fail, I will send another with them."
Now, let it be known that the Akatsuki lair is a fairly informal place. Formal rules and governance were something that chafed most missing nins, and its generally best not to irritate the ones you have working and living with you.
It should also be known that Pain wasn't one of the people who was currently at said lair, but instead was somewhere in Rain, for some reason or other.
So when Pain said, "YOU will accompany them on their mission, to help ensure success," Pain had, in fact, been pointing to Itachi. After all, Itachi was generally the most competent of his men, and it's not like his partners would run away screaming from the current target (justified as it may be... Pain shuddered at that thought).
After Pain ended the jutsu he was using to 'be' in the lair for the meeting, silence ensued.
Because, during the few seconds that Pain had looked away before pointing, Tobi, the newest recruit who had sort of wandered into the lair one day 'looking for a job', had just entered the room and stepped in front of Itachi, holding the Akatsuki version of Monopoly.
You could only take so much Yahtzee at one time, after all. And Kakuzu had thought there might be money in such an endeavor.
So, after a huge fit of cursing on the parts of both Hidan and Kakuzu, the two left, dragging along their 'third team member', someone they hadn't even known to be in the draft pool.
And yet, all was going according to Tobi's plan...
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Hinata stared at Sakura.
Sakura glared back at Hinata.
Hinata started to shrink back, and look down at her feet.
Sakura was happy that she was able to intimidate SOMEBODY around here, at least.
Hinata continued to look down... But then remembered her personal flask, strapped to her left thigh.
Hinata's eyes rose up to meet Sakura's, and Sakura proceeded to be mildly disturbed by Hinata reaching into her pants to pull out some sort of alcohol.
And begin sipping it.
A tumbleweed rolled through Ichiraku's, between the two young ladies.
And then a shout was heard from the trees.
"Are you going to fight or what? Get to the clothes ripping!"
Sakura's eyes began to glow with Female Rage... That is, until Hinata decided to act on Jiraiya's (who had decided to stay on and watch the scene) catcall.
Hinata pounced Sakura, in a style that could be seriously likened to an exuberant tiger.
Much shrieking and scratching and hair pulling ensued.
And thus Naruto, followed by Tenten, arrived onto the scene of a REAL catfight, and not just one he dreamed up...
Author's Notes: And now the story begins its ascent to the climax! Well, there is a good bit of story left, but it's getting there.
More mysterious comments have been made about Kisame and his sword. What terrible fate might befall him if he loses it? Who knows? Well, besides me, that is…
Tobi has made the scene, bringing his own unique brand of 'evil' to the table. Expect a Tobi that is like an evil version of the one from "The Great Landscaping Crisis"… I'm pretty sure I'm responsible for the crazy 'Pot and Spoon' Tobi with that story, and you might not get all the jokes I'm going to make about him if you aren't familiar with that take on him.
And, if you can't tell, I hate Yahtzee.