AN: A longer chapter because I took so long to update. The angst begins...
A huge thank you to Siri for being my beta!
Nine and a Half Years Ago:
"Happy birthday, love."
Rose turned around to see John and automatically smiled. "John? What are you doing here?"
"I thought you could use a small break," John said, approaching her to give her a quick kiss.
"That's sweet, but unfortunately it's not for you to decide," Rose sighed. "My break isn't for another 45 minutes."
John pulled her close to him and murmured. "I missed you."
Rose laughed. "John, I saw you last night. And you'll see me later tonight, at my party."
John made a face and she glared at him. "Don't give me that look. It's my birthday so you have to come to my party."
"But Rose," John complained, "I really don't want to hang out with a bunch of teenagers."
"Really? Then I suppose you don't like hanging out with me," Rose replied, moving out of his arms.
John's eyes widened. "No! Rose, I didn't mean it like that. I love being with you! I'm just not thrilled with spending time with other teenagers."
Rose rolled her eyes, but moved closer to him to wrap her arms around his waist. "I know, it's just, this is the first time you're gonna meet all of my friends. You've met Mickey and Shireen."
"I waved at them when I picked you up from Shireen's house that one time."
John flinched under Rose's glare and then sighed.
"Rose, I'll try to have a good time. For you," John said softly.
"That's all I'm asking. For you to try," Rose said giving him a light kiss. "But I really need to get back to work before I get into trouble."
"Fine," John sighed, kissing her again. "See you tonight?"
Rose nodded and gave him one last kiss before she watched him walk out of the shop.
Later that evening, Rose was chatting with Shireen and Mickey, who had come to her flat early to help her set up for her party. She glanced at the clock anxiously. John was supposed to be there half an hour ago.
Mickey saw her check the time for the third time when he decided to comment on it. "So where's your doctor then?"
"He has a name, you know?" Rose retorted.
"Yeah, but Rose, I can't believe you're dating a doctor," Shireen giggled. "He's a surgeon right? I bet he's great with his hands."
Rose didn't reply but her flushed cheeks affirmed her friend's statement.
"But really, when is he gonna be here?" Mickey asked.
Rose rolled her eyes. She knew that Mickey was going to get all protective with her. Especially after the mess that was Jimmy Stones, Mickey tried to act intimidating towards anyone Rose had dated.
"Mickey, I've been with him for over six months! You don't have to give him a hard time."
"I don't like him," Mickey said.
"You haven't even met him," Rose pointed out.
"Rose, this bloke is years older than you. Are you sure he doesn't have a wife and family on the side or something?" Mickey asked.
Rose smacked him on the shoulder. "Of course not! Besides, I've been to his flat multiple times and he lives alone."
Mickey held his hands up in surrender and replied. "I'm just making sure, that's all."
"I know. And thank you for caring so much," Rose said, smiling at him.
Mickey opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by a knock on the door. Rose rushed to the door and opened it to reveal John. She grinned brightly and he returned it with a happy smile of his own.
"Happy Birthday," John said, leaning down to kiss her.
Rose giggled against his lips and replied, "you already said that earlier."
"I don't care," John murmured and pulled her into his arms for another kiss.
They were interrupted by an indiscreet cough. Rose and John glanced up to see Mickey with his arms crossed and Shireen looking at John curiously.
"John, this is Mickey and this is Shireen," Rose said gesturing at her two friends.
Mickey just gave John a hard stare and Shireen waved and gave him a small smile.
"Nice to meet you too. Rose talks about you guys a lot," John said, somewhat uncomfortably after they made no other move to greet him.
Shireen laughed. "Not as much as she talks about you with us I bet. She's always: John did this, John said that, John's taking me here…"
Rose glared at her friend for embarrassing her, but John simply grinned at her. She escorted them all back into the kitchen, where they all continued to prepare for Rose's birthday party.
Rose kept glancing at John, searching his face for any sign of unease, but he always met her gaze with content eyes. She was comforted by how John seemed to get on pretty well with Shireen and Mickey, but she was worried it would be different when the rest of her friends showed up. Soon, Rose's fears were forgotten as people started to arrive and she focused on greeting everyone.
By ten o'clock, the party was in full swing and Rose was busy chatting with everyone. Everyone except John. He stayed away from the large group of people that surrounded Rose, having been asked if he was an uncle or something of hers one too many times. Her friends from school seemed friendly enough, but John was starting to regret not taking Rose away from the weekend so he could have her to himself. That had been his plan originally, but he decided that it would be selfish of him to take Rose's chance of hanging out with her friends on her birthday. But now, all he wanted to do was be alone with Rose. Mickey seemed to take pity on him and the two started up a conversation.
While John and Mickey spoke, Rose was busy laughing with Shireen and a few other friends. She got up to get another drink from the kitchen and while she was deciding what to drink, she heard someone move to stand behind her.
"Hey, Rose."
Rose turned around, surprised by the person speaking to her. She thought it would be John, who had been brooding until Mickey had started to talk to him and was expecting it to be him taking the opportunity to get her alone. Instead, it was Adam Mitchell. She hadn't even remembered inviting him.
"Oh, hi, Adam," Rose said slowly.
He smiled at her and replied. "I can't believe you didn't tell me you were having a party, Rose! I had to hear from Mickey that you were celebrating your birthday tonight."
"Yeah, sorry, I thought I had already told you," Rose lied, silently cursing Mickey. He knew that Adam fancied her, but he still decided to tell Adam about the party. Adam was a nice enough bloke, but Rose just wasn't interested.
"So, I was thinking we could hang out later," Adam said grinning at her.
"Adam, I'd love to but I really can't. I have tons to do," Rose replied, giving him a weak smile.
But Adam didn't give up so easily. "You sure?" Adam whispered in her ear, putting an arm around her waist.
Rose pushed her way out of Adam's arms uncomfortably.
"I believe you've said enough," a voice called from the doorway.
Rose whipped around to see John standing there. To a stranger, he would have appeared calm, leaning against the doorway casually. But Rose knew he was angry. His arms were crossed and she could see his hands balled into fists. But she could especially tell from his eyes. His cold, angered gaze was a far cry from the warm and kind looks he usually gave her.
"John, it's alright," Rose said, walking over to him and putting a hand on his arm in attempt to soothe the tense muscles of his forearm.
"It's not, Rose, this wanker here needs to leave. Now."
"Look, you're the one that can go piss off," Adam said defensively. "I was just talking to Rose and you have no right to come in and interrupt us."
"Right. Well, I'm afraid you won't be 'talking' to Rose anymore tonight. Would you like me to show you out or can you see to that yourself?" John said, tensing up again.
"Look, let's just calm down here, alright," another voice called, and the three turned to look who it was. Mickey walked up to Adam, giving John a stern look.
"We have got everything handled here," John said coolly.
Mickey scoffed. "Yeah, sure you do. Look, John, it's Rose's birthday so let's not cause anymore drama. Adam, I think it would be best if you left. It was wrong of me to invite you without Rose's permission."
Adam glared at all of them and walked out without another word.
"Well, I'll think I'll leave you two to talk. It looks like you both have some things to say," Mickey said, taking in John's stiff posture and the glare that Rose was throwing at John. On his way out, he squeezed Rose's shoulder comfortingly and gave John a warning glance.
Once Mickey left, Rose spoke up. "Let's go for a walk."
John nodded, knowing that it would be best to listen to her while she was angry. He reached for her hand, but she ignored it and walked out. John stood there for a second, shocked that she was angry enough that she wouldn't want to hold his hand like she always did.
"Are you coming?" Rose asked impatiently. John sighed and nodded, following her out.
Rose didn't speak to John until they were walking around the corner from the Powell Estates. "What were you thinking?! Are you mad?" Rose practically shouted at him.
"Rose, that bloke was bad news. You're lucky I came when I did, before he could hurt you," John shot back.
"I can take care of myself, thanks," Rose glared. "Besides, Adam is daft, but not that daft. He would never hurt me."
"You don't know that! He was coming on to you even after you rejected him!" John yelled.
"John, he was hardly menacing. He just put an arm around me, that's all," Rose replied.
"After you clearly said you didn't want to hang out with him."
"John, it wasn't even that big of a deal but you made it one. You're the one that was making a scene. I don't need you to protect me all the time," Rose said, still angry.
John looked like he wanted to yell at her again, but he took a deep breath, clenching his fists. "Rose, I know you can handle yourself, but when a bloke tries to come onto you, forgive me if I get a little angry."
Rose scoffed at his admission that he was a little angry. But then it dawned on her. "You were jealous," Rose stated, not even bothering to ask him.
John scoffed. "Please, Rose, I don't get jealous. I'm just annoyed that he thought he had a chance with you."
"Some would call that being jealous. I know I would," Rose pointed out.
"I wasn't jealous," John said, practically pouting.
Rose couldn't find it in her to be that annoyed anymore. "Yes, you were," she said, smirking slightly.
"Does this amuse you? Us fighting?" John glared at her, seeing her smirk.
Rose's smirk faded by her eyes showed she was still a bit amused. "I don't like fighting with you. Not that we ever really have before. But you're a little endearing when you're jealous, if not a bit annoying."
"Rose, I can't believe you're enjoying this!" John responded, frustrated with her.
Rose paused before saying, "Huh. You're really upset about this."
John didn't respond.
"Was there more to this than just jealousy, John?" Rose asked quietly.
John sighed. "It's just, seeing you with all your friends, it reminds me how young you really are. And how you should be with someone your own age. Someone like Adam." John paused. "Well, maybe not like Adam, he's a bit of a wanker and he's a bit pretty."
Rose came closer to John and rested her hand against his cheek. "John, love, I don't want anyone my age. I only want you," she said sincerely. "I love you, you know that right? And a pretty boy flirting with me isn't gonna change that."
John closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. "I know. I love you too. I was being foolish. I'm sorry love. I shouldn't have ruined your birthday by arguing with you."
Rose tilted her head up and pressed a tender kiss to John's lips. "I forgive you. And you didn't ruin my birthday," Rose began to smile. "Besides, there's still plenty of time for you to make it up to me."
John grinned. "I'll do anything you want. Your wish is my command."
Rose's lips curved up into a saucy grin. "In that case, why don't we ditch my party and go to your place. You can make it up to me there."
John leaned down to kiss her firmly before pulling back. "That sound fantastic, love, but your present is upstairs and you haven't opened it yet."
Rose began peppering kiss along his jaw and down his neck. "That can wait. Let's get out of here. What I really want is you and your soft bed," Rose whispered against his skin.
John gasped as she nipped at his neck. He then grabbed her hand and pulled her towards his car so they could head back to his flat. After all, he didn't want to argue anymore with the birthday girl.
Present:
"Thanks for coming, Jack," John said to his friend as they waited for the bartender to pour their drinks.
"It's no problem. Maybe I'm just hoping she knows some of your dirty secrets," Jack smirked.
John glared at him but said nothing. He looked around nervously. He had taken Rose's advice and contacted Sarah Jane Smith. They had spoken briefly and agreed to meet so they could talk. And John had no idea how it was going to go. He knew it wasn't fair to cut Sarah Jane out of his life, but after his breakup with Rose, and his subsequent falling out with Sarah Jane, he couldn't bring himself to reach out to her and apologize.
"John, relax. You managed to survive making up with Rose, I'm sure Sarah Jane will forgive you too," Jack said, handing John a beer.
"Let's not talk about Sarah Jane right now. I don't want to get anymore worked up." John told Jack.
"Alright, then."
"Did you sleep with Rose?" John blurted out, unable to help himself.
Jack's eyes widened slightly in response, but he recovered quickly. "No, never," he said honestly. "Not for the lack of trying, mind you." Jack joked, trying to lighten the mood of his brooding friend.
John merely glared in response, but then sighed. "Yeah, Rose told me the same."
Jack looked at him curiously. "Then why did you ask me?"
John looked down at his hands that were grasping his beer. "Rose knows that I can be...a bit jealous. I thought she was trying to protect me and prevent me from fighting with you."
"Yeah, but Rose wouldn't lie about something like that," Jack pointed out.
"I know, it's just. You two seem close," John grumbled.
"Wow, I wonder how Rose ever dealt with you. You really do have a jealous streak," Jack replied, amused.
John glared at him then took a long drink of the beer. He glanced around again and he saw her. Sarah Jane Smith. She hadn't changed much, but she was looking older than when he last saw her. She made her way toward him and he could tell she was nervous too.
"John Smith," Sarah Jane said, smiling a little.
"Sarah Jane," John replied, giving her a cautious smile.
"It's been a long time."
"That it has."
An uncomfortable silence fell over the pair and Jack intervened. "Hello, I'm Jack Harkness," Jack said, extending his hand and flashing Sarah Jane a smile.
"Jack, that's enough," John said, glaring at the man next to him.
"I was just saying hello!" Jack protested.
"Somehow I have a feeling its never just hello for you," Sarah Jane responded.
"Already making assumptions about me when we've just met? I'm hurt," Jack told her.
"You forget that I'm friends with Rose. I've heard about plenty of times when you were just 'saying hello,'" Sarah Jane smirked. She then turned to John and said, "So, John we have a lot to discuss."
"I guess that's my cue to leave," Jack said, his eyes already looking around the bar. He spotted someone and turned to say goodbye to the pair before walking away.
Sarah Jane and John looked at each other nervously. "How have you been, John?"
"Good," John said before pausing. "Well, I'm actually better now."
"Rose?" Sarah Jane guessed, smiling slightly at him.
He looked a bit sheepish. "Yeah, Rose is a large factor in my happiness. But there's one thing I think I need to do."
"What's that?" Sarah Jane asked.
"Well, I've made up with my ex-girlfriend and now I just want to make up with my best friend," John admitted.
"Yeah? And how are you going to do that?"
John nervously rubbed the back of his neck before responding. "Honestly, I don't know. I know I hurt you when I started that last fight and I know I hurt you when I refused to answer your calls. And I have no idea where to begin, Sarah."
"John, you did hurt me. It hurt me when my childhood best friend suddenly couldn't be bothered to speak with me once he started brooding over breaking up with his girlfriend," Sarah Jane told him. "But I missed you."
"I did too, you have kept me sane so many times in the past," John said.
"And you have with me as well. I'm not ready to completely forgive you, but I still want your friendship. Overtime, I think we can get back to the friendship we once had." Sarah Jane said softly, smiling at him.
John grinned at her happily. "Fantastic."
Sarah Jane's smile faded and she became serious once again. "But John, I have to talk to you about Rose. If you hurt that girl again, there will be hell to pay."
"I know," John said, just as seriously. "I never wanted to hurt her."
"Then why did you break her heart? Why did you tell her she wasn't good enough? Do you have any idea what that did to her?" Sarah Jane remarked angrily.
John winced. "She told you about that."
"Of course she did. After the break up she came to me. And ever since, we've been very close. I care very much about that girl and I'll not let her be hurt by you again." Sarah Jane said adamantly.
"Look, Sarah Jane, at the time, I thought I had valid reasons for breaking up with her. I didn't mean what I said about her not being good enough. I just did everything I could to make sure that she would be happy, even if it meant breaking up with her," John confessed.
"John Smith, you are so daft. Do you really think breaking up with her, the way you did, wouldn't have lasting effects on her?" Sarah Jane asked.
"I wasn't thinking clearly," John protested weakly.
"I think that's very obvious. But John, she was a mess. You hurt her more than just breaking her heart, you also broke her self-esteem." Sarah Jane said firmly.
John didn't know how to respond the statement and just looked down in shame.
"She went back to Jimmy, you know," Sarah Jane said softly.
John's head snapped back up to look at her, his eyes flashing with anger. "She did what? Why did she think that would be good for her?"
"John, you made her feel like she only deserved someone like him. She told me he came up to her at a bar one night and said all the right things. And she believed him," Sarah Jane said sadly.
John was stunned by Sarah Jane's information. "I need to.. I have to see her!" John said, standing up quickly.
"John, I don't that's a good idea. You're still shocked about this and you're too emotional to speak with her about this. Talk to her in the morning, when you've calmed down a bit," Sarah Jane advised.
"No," John said firmly. "I have to see her now."
Before Sarah Jane could say a word, John rushed out of the bar. She sighed and then pulled out her phone to warn Rose. It was going to be a long night for those two.
Rose sighed. She had just gotten a text from Sarah Jane warning her that John was coming over and was not happy. She and Mickey were hanging out in her flat for their weekly venting session. She poured herself another glass of wine and sat back down on the couch next to Mickey.
"John's coming over."
"You don't sound too happy about that, Rose. Is everything okay?" Mickey asked, concerned. Over the years, Mickey had never stopped being protective of Rose, something of which she was grateful.
"Yeah, it's just, we have to talk about some things and he may not take it well," Rose sighed.
"Well, just forget about it for now. Until he gets here," Mickey suggested.
Rose nodded and turned to watch the telly. But she could hardly pay attention to the screen, wondering how she and John would get through all of their issues that had amounted over the years.
Half an hour later, Rose heard a knock at her door and she reluctantly stood to answer it. She did not want to have this conversation right now, but she couldn't avoid forever. They would have to talk about it eventually.
Rose opened the door and John barged in. She could tell he was angry, his muscles were tense and his fists clenched.
"Rose, I need to talk with you," John said firmly.
"I kinda figured, the way you just barged in here," Rose said, already annoyed with him. "You'll have to wait. Mickey and I are hanging out and its a tradition we have. I'm not gonna interrupt it, just because you're all worked up."
John glared at her. "No. We really need to talk."
Rose returned his angry gaze with one of her own. "And I said not now."
"What's going on?" Mickey said, coming up next to Rose after hearing their angry voices.
"John wants to talk about Jimmy." Rose met his surprised look with a hard glance. "Sarah Jane warned me."
"Ah," Mickey said nodding his head. "Then I'll let you two talk. See you later, Rose," Mickey continued, giving Rose a kiss on her cheek before heading out the door.
"Now can we talk?" John asked impatiently.
"Fine. What do you want to know about Jimmy?" Rose snapped.
"I want to know why the hell you thought it was a good idea to get back together with him!" John nearly shouted.
"I don't know! Maybe I just have a habit of getting back with exes, even after we had terrible break ups!" Rose replied.
"Don't you dare compare me to him," John glared at her, but she could see the flash of hurt in his eyes.
Rose took a deep breath. It wouldn't be good for either of them to just keep yelling at each other. "John, come sit on the couch with me. I'll explain."
John stood there for a moment, not expecting her to act so calmly. But Rose's demeanor seemed to rub off on him as John's tense muscles began to relax and his face softened. Before she could turn towards her couch, he grasped her hand with his own. He rubbed his thumb across her hand before following her lead.
Once they were both seated, neither of them let go of each other's hands.
"Rose," John began, much more softly, "why did you go back to him? He didn't treat you well before. He was older than you and took advantage of how young and innocent you were."
"I don't really know," Rose confessed. "But John, you have to understand. I was in a bad place after our break up. I made so many mistakes."
John reached up to brush a stray tear that had fallen down her face.
"After what you said that night, about me being too young and not good enough for you, I just felt like I only deserved someone like Jimmy. That he would be the best I could get."
John closed his eyes at the sadness in her voice. He had done that to her. He made her feel inferior and he was the one that inadvertently pushed her back into Jimmy's arms. For what seemed like the millionth time since he saw Rose again, he cursed his stupidity that night.
"Rose.. Oh love, I'm so, so sorry for ever making you feel that way. You are perfect. You are accomplished and wonderful and you deserve so much more than a wanker like Jimmy Stones," John whispered.
Rose nodded. "I know that now, but for a while I didn't." Rose paused then, more tears starting to leak out her eyes. Years of pent up sadness and insecurity were now hitting her. Sure, she had spoken to Mickey and Sarah Jane about the breakup and how it affected her, but now that she was telling John, it seemed so much more raw and painful. She found that she couldn't stop crying, continuing to sob as John pulled her into his arms and whispered words of comfort into her ear.
As John tried to comfort Rose, he felt terrible. His foolish attempt to give Rose happiness by ending their relationship had caused her so much heartbreak and insecurity. He couldn't see how she ever decided that it would be a good idea to ever see him again, much less be with him. His precious girl had been hurt so much because of his actions. Whenever he brooded over the breakup, the only comfort for him was to think of how happy she probably was, when she wasn't wasting her time with an older bloke like him. But now, hearing the truth, that she had suffered so much more than he had in the years of separation, caused his heart to ache.
Eventually, Rose's sobs started to die down, John still whispering words of adoration and comfort into her ear, periodically pressing light kisses into her hair. When he was certain that she had fallen asleep, he gently lifted her up into his arms and made his way to her bedroom.
Trying not to disturb her too much, he tucked her into the bed. She had already been wearing pajamas so he didn't have to worry about her being uncomfortable. He would have loved to join her in her bed, content with just being able to hold her in his arms throughout the night, but the guilt of his actions was bearing down too heavily upon him. John longed to find his own comfort in her arms, but he didn't think he deserved it.
Instead he found a pad of paper and a pen to quickly scribble out a quick note to her, before seeing himself out of her flat.
Rose awoke in the morning still feeling exhausted and with achy, swollen eyes. As she recalled the night before, she half expected John to be in her bed, or at least in her flat, but was disappointed to see that she was alone. She groaned as she got up and headed out to her kitchen. On the counter, she saw a note written on a pad of paper and picked it up to read it.
My precious Rose,
I cannot even begin to apologize for everything I have done to you. I don't deserve a second chance with you and I'm even more grateful now that you've decided to give me one. Rose Tyler, just know that I love you so much, and that I have always loved you. I never stopped. Please let me begin to make up for my actions. I would be incredibly honored if you met me at your favorite coffee shop tomorrow morning, but only if you want.
I love you,
John
To her surprise, Rose found her eyes welling with tears at his note. She thought she had cried enough for a very long time and did not expect any more tears so soon. She bit her lip. John seemed so unsure of their relationship now. She knew he must be feeling guilty about the hurtful words he'd said to her. Although his words did bring out her insecurities and she'd even had a moment of weakness by going back to Jimmy, she was not the same insecure girl she used to be. Rose felt much more confident and sure of herself and she knew that John would be reluctant to believe that. He always was so hard on himself and blamed himself for anything that went wrong. She knew that he didn't see how she would ever forgive him. But she wanted to. Really, she did. However, it would take a long time for them to be able to deal with their past and move forward.
But, Rose thought, meeting up with him so they could discuss just how they could move forward seemed like a good place to start.