Lupin tossed and turned the entire night. He barely slept a wink. In the early hours of the morning, with his eyes blotchy and red, he listened to Jigen and Goemon get up, and he listened to Fujiko waking up after them. He listened to Fujiko leaving the hideout, and still he didn't get up. Whenever he got it into his mind to stir and get out of bed, he would suddenly feel a rock deep in his stomach.

Eventually, well into the afternoon, Lupin decided to muse over the situation. He ran though several scenarios in his mind. They all involved screaming and hollering, and wanton destruction of property. Only a temporary fix, he figured. Like sticking a band-aid on a raw spot.

If only I could trick them into giving this up, he thought. How to make them see how crazy they are? Lupin sat up. "That's it!" he said, in a whisper. "Reverse psychology. Oldest trick in the book. I'll praise them, and that will snap 'em out of it." He snickered. He went through his usual daily routine, but he took extra time putting on his clothes. He wanted to look sharp.

Lupin walked into the living room, whistling, with his hands in his pockets. He stopped in front of the couch, where his friends were sitting. "Jigen, Goemon," said Lupin, "I have something very important to tell you."

Goemon and Jigen shared a look.

"Okay, Lupin, go ahead and explain. You've been acting real weird lately," said Jigen. He leaned back to rest his head on the right arm of the couch.

Lupin cleared his throat, hard. "Well, you see, I've come to the c-conclusion, th-that..." He coughed. He fiddled with his jacket. "I think I've been, you know, kinda, a little bit of a jer..."

"What, Lupin?" asked Goemon.

"You see, I'mrealhappyforyou," Lupin muttered. He scowled, and massaged his jaw.

Jigen cocked his head to the side. "Uh... what was that?"

Lupin straightened his back. "I'm... actually... sorry, and... I'm... happy... for..." he ground out though gritted teeth. "I want to praise the two of you," he growled. "I really do. Oh, I'm absolutely behind you all the way."

Jigen's and Goemon's eyes were glued to him, as if Lupin was transforming into a monster.

"I repeat! I am so, so, so happy for you!" Lupin yelled loud enough to blow their hair back. "Your relationship is just so amazing, I can't believe it. This really made everything perfect. Everything. Is. Perfect." Lupin put his arms behind his back. He paced in circles in front of the couch. After five times circling around, he suddenly stopped. "Except, there's just this one, little, teeny-tiny, itty-bitty... thing."

His friends did not say anything.

Lupin whirled around to face them. "It's horrible! Don't you see? You've ruined everything! You've selfishly ignored me, thrown off our entire dynamic, destroyed our nice little team, our thieves' quartet, if you will. And over what?! A relationship that will never last!" Lupin sighed. He took a deep breath. "Listen, guys, I understand. I really do. I'm sure that being bereft of women for so long made you both go a little crazy. Okay, fine. Happens to the best of us. But whatever you're feeling right now, it sure as hell isn't love!" He spat the word "love," as if it was a curse. "Let me elaborate.

"Let's take a brief look at the two of you, shall we?" Lupin gestured to them, like a teacher would gesture to something written on a blackboard. "Jigen, you don't believe in anything. Goemon, you have that weird, new-age philosophy. Goemon, you have bouts of serious depression. Jigen, you're always melancholy. Jigen, you smoke twenty-four-seven. Goemon, you put a freakish amount of time into your health.

"And what you do guys do all the time? Sit around doing absolutely nothing, right? You think that will be so great once you've been married for a year?" Sweat was pouring down Lupin's forehead. His breathing was shallow, and his eyes were red. "Sure, go ahead and abandon me! Leave me to get all the complicated shit done! It's not like I'm your friend, right? Right?! It's not like I need anybody to depend on!" Lupin's head pounded, and he felt dizziness set in. His vision blurred slightly. He lurched over to the armchair, and collapsed into it. Tears filled his eyes, but they did not spill over.

Jigen and Goemon had barely moved while sitting through Lupin's tirade. If they hadn't been turned toward Lupin, it would have looked like they hadn't heard a word he said.

"One question," Goemon said quietly. "The main aspect that bothers you... it's the fact that we're focusing on each other and not on you?"

Lupin groaned. "Obviously. Do you even know what friendship is all about?"

Jigen sat up. "Whatever you're feeling right now, it sure as hell isn't friendship."

Lupin shook his fist at Jigen. "Don't push my words around like that! You don't even know what I meant, do you?"

Jigen looked at Goemon. Goemon nodded. "Listen," said Jigen, "for every goddamn reason you gave for why we can't be a couple, I could list at the very least three for why you shouldn't be with Fujiko."

"And you have abandoned us countless times for her!" yelled Goemon. He pointed at Lupin with Zantetsuken. "You are making yourself out to be dishonorable, and not to mention, a hypocrite!"

Goemon got off the couch, and stood up tall. Jigen got up as well. "Hey, Goemon, what do you say we drop our little charade?" asked Jigen.

Goemon frowned. "Yes. Lupin, now that we have exposed your shortcomings, now we expose our own. We were never... together to begin with."

Lupin's jaw dropped. He choked. He wiped his tears away with his jacket sleeve. "You magnificent bastards. You read my book on acting! Man, even I have a hard time looking all flustered and blushing on cue like that."

Jigen coughed. Goemon's face reddened.

"Yeah, like that! How can you do that so convincingly? If I didn't hate you guys so much right now, I'd want lessons." Lupin scowled. "Back to the topic at hand. How can you say what I have with my Fuji-cakes is the same?! She's my true love! And I know you guys can take care of yourselves!"

"And she can not?" asked Goemon. "You say you want to depend on us. Can we not ask the same of you?"

"You know, Lupin, if you're really our friend, prove it!" Jigen yelled. "A friend would actually frickin' listen to us!"

"A true friend would understand our reasons for doing what we did. A true friend would forgive us." Goemon tightened his hold on his sword. "Speak, Lupin!"

"Yeah, or we abandon you for good!" shouted Jigen.

Lupin pouted. His eyes narrowed, and he leaned forward. "Yeah, and are you guys true friends, then? Are you saying you'd just go and play nice if you had been lying to each other for this long, just like you've lied to me? I bet we're all rotten here."

"We would forgive each other," Goemon and Jigen answered at the same time.

Lupin grinned his victory grin. "Prove it."

Goemon and Jigen were silent. Goemon looked down at the floor. Jigen looked like a deer caught in headlights.

Lupin smirked. "See? Told ya. Now let's get this episode of our lives back to status quo. Now, to help me steal the crown successfully, you guys have to—"

"I'm sorry, Jigen," Goemon said quietly. He kept his head bowed, and did not look right at Jigen. "I know without a doubt that you would support me through anything, but a coward such as I does not deserve your kindness in this situation, nor do I deserve..." he trailed off.

Jigen's fear instantly vanished, replaced by concern. He smiled unconvincingly. "Hey, man, no problem. I mean, the only way I could think of to prove it freaked me out, too."

Goemon stood up straight again, but his usual stoic expression was undermined by his mouth twitching slightly. "I am not worried about your reaction, nor do I care what Lupin thinks. It is only my own feelings that are causing my aversion." He turned away, and took a few steps toward the door. "Excuse me, Jigen... Lupin. I must leave for more training."

Lupin just stared at him, utterly lost. But Jigen rushed forward and grabbed Goemon's left hand. Jigen turned him back around, and reached over to put a hand on Goemon's shoulder. Jigen paused. He tentatively put an arm around him instead.

Goemon became more lost than Lupin. "Jigen, I don't understand. I thought you told me you don't mind me going off like this."

Jigen sighed. "I can't in my right mind let you go now without gettin' this off my chest first." He looked at Lupin. "And Lupin, I don't even care about this stupid argument with you anymore. Just run off and sulk like the kid you are while I talk this over with Goemon, all right?"

Lupin muttered something. He got up off the armchair, and walked out the door. He slammed it. But instead of leaving Jigen and Goemon alone, he tapped his feet a few times to imitate the sound of walking away, without really doing it. He grinned. He pulled a little ear-shaped microphone out of his jacket pocket. He slid it up against the door.

"Looks like he'll get over it in a few seconds." Jigen sighed. He turned all his attention back to Goemon. "Listen, since I know you aren't gonna be mad, you have to promise to buy me a drink later, okay?"

Goemon blinked. "That's fine."

The arm Jigen held around Goemon relaxed. Jigen tipped his hat up so Goemon could see his eyes. "Look, I'm sorry for keeping this from you for such a damn long time. I realized early on in this crazy act of ours that... I've been thinking of you as more than a friend for real. Now don't feel like you have to say anything. I'm not letting something like this get in the way of our friendship." He released Goemon. "I guess I don't know what the hell I'm saying. But I thought you should know that I'm there for you."

Goemon did not blush, but his face did seem to brighten. He gave Jigen a small, understanding smile. "Oh, Jigen, your thoughts are a reflection of my own! My mind was running in circles over the very same thing." Much to Jigen's surprise, Goemon embraced him. "Does this mean... I must now call you by your first name?" Goemon asked sheepishly.

Jigen smiled as well. Not a smirk or sarcastic grin, but a true smile. "I think the point is, we can call each other whatever the hell we want."

Solemn jazz music plays, a sad song for a rainy day, the kind Ella Fitzgerald could sing. It is filled with held notes and longing tones.

JIGEN:

Solitaire used to be the only game I could play,

I'd sit on the couch all the livelong day,

and watch my regrets

drift around in the smoke from my crumpled cigarette...

Suddenly, the music grows energetic, and more like swing.

But those days are over,

now I don't have to act like my Magnum's my lover!

Every time I needed you, you ran to my side.

I can let go of all my fears and foolish pride.

Like a tornado, emotions spin through my heart.

Time for our shining new start!

I hated what I thought would happen after the fall,

so I locked up my heart, hid behind a wall.

But in that wall's shade, I memorized everything about you.

Now I finally realize what I feel is pure and true.

Goemon and Jigen take each other's hands, and gaze into each other's eyes. Their faces draw nearer and nearer.

GOEMON:

On the night of a lonesome blue moon,

I consulted the I-Ching for advice on my life.

I humbly asked if ever I'd have a gentle wife.

Now I'm no longer a rat in suffering's reckless race.

I know why the pictogram was of a laughing face!

I've been so remote, as cold as my blade,

of my emotions I was constantly afraid.

Though I preached right thought, right action,

you're the one who taught me the meaning of compassion.

BOTH:

It's funny how hard it was to see

that the one for me was there the whole time.

Now I thank those distant stars up above,

that I see it's you I'll always—

"Stop!" Lupin screeches like a mouse in a trap. He opens the door, the microphone crushed in his other hand. He points to them, his arm quivering. The music grinds to an untimely halt. "You're saying you were faking your relationship the whole time, but then your feelings really did blossom into love, but you were too scared to do anything about that, but now you're not, and you're in a real relationship, because of what I did just now?"

"Uh... yeah," said Jigen.

"Pretty much," said Goemon. Neither he nor Jigen cared much about the interruption.

Lupin's face became completely expressionless, like a poorly-made mask. He walked back over to the armchair and sat down. He said nothing.

Jigen and Goemon stared at him for a few seconds, before turning back to each other. "So..." said Jigen, "what do we do now?"

Goemon thought it over. "I would like to go to one of the beaches. Since it's late, perhaps we can sit alone and stare at each other for a couple hours."

Jigen grinned. "Since when are you psychic?"

He and Goemon completely ignored Lupin, and left. On their way out, they shut the door quite lightly, to make a statement.

Lupin stared at the spot they had been standing. He talked to himself. "They only got together for real because of my plan. My plan. It was because of me. My plan. It was me. It was me. It was me. It was me..."

He repeated the phrase over and over to himself. He sat unmoving in the armchair, as if he could sink into the seat and never have to face reality again. He had no way of knowing that he was still mumbling the same words when someone knocked on the door. Lupin did not answer. The door creaked open, revealing Fujiko.

She gasped. "Lupin! You look horrible!"

Lupin looked at Fujiko, but only his eyes moved. Otherwise, he stayed completely still. "I feel worse."

Fujiko ran up to him. She reached out to touched him, but pulled her hand away at the last second. "What happened?"

"It turned out my ex-friends were really faking being a couple."

"Isn't that a good thing?"

Lupin made a fist, and slammed it down on the arm of the chair. "No! 'Cause then they confessed love for each other for real!"

"And... when did this all happen?" Fujiko tentatively asked.

"Just a few hours ago. Just a few hours ago, my life went down the drain." Lupin hung his head.

Fujiko patted Lupin on the back. "Don't despair yet! We can make them forget all about their love being requited! All we have to do is steal this Egyptian battery I found!"

"I can't."

"W-What?"

"I can't!" Lupin sobbed. "I'm a failure, I admit it. I know why my friends abandoned me! I'm a jerk and a loser—I said it!"

Fujiko backed away. She put her hand on the doorknob and turned it slowly. "Well... then I guess I'll take your racket. I'm the new world's greatest thief."

Lupin nodded.

"And I guess that means I'll have to share my newfound fortune with a rich old pig instead of you."

Lupin nodded again. He looked up sharply, cracking his neck. "Wait, what?!"

Fujiko put her hand on her hips. "Hmph. Now you listen. Anyway, I heard through the grapevine that these Egyptian djed pillars are on display in the Yaeyama Museum. Normally those batteries were used for healing, but according to mythology, these two special pillars are defective, and they actually harm the person that uses them, and makes them lose precisely one day of memory. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Lupin shot up from the armchair. He fixed his jacket and tie. "I'm in!"