In the hideout, Jigen and Goemon were still sitting. Goemon tapped Zantetsuken to a slow rhythm, while he listened intently to the ringing of the metal.
Jigen took a deep drag of his bent cigarette. "Too bad Lupin didn't learn anything. Typical."
"Do you think he saw through us?" asked Goemon. He turned his attention to a different area of the blade.
"Nah. I think we did a good job acting like everything was status quo." Jigen snuffed out his cigarette butt. "I can't believe he thought we were dumb enough to fall for the Egyptian battery trick. How stupid does he think we are?"
"Indeed. That artifact was buzzing with dark energy. I didn't even need to check for the shadow of death on my sword to know that."
"Dark energy?" Jigen folded his arms behind his head, and lay down. "You mean buzzing with electricity?"
Goemon nodded. "That as well."
Eventually, Goemon grew tried of watching the light play on Zantetsuken, and he sheathed it. It closed with a click. Goemon straightened his back to meditate. He and Jigen were too tired to go back to sleep, so they just listened to each other breathing.
"So... now that we're together, what happens next? Will we have to wait till Lupin retires to really do anything? I mean, I know it'll be a sad day for comedy and all, but..." Jigen mumbled.
"Nothing happens next," said Goemon. He closed his eyes. "This is it."
"Perfect. I'm on the edge of my seat."
They both laughed. But before long, realization sank in, and their laughter soon died.
"There's no way in hell we can keep this a secret, is there." It wasn't a question. Jigen sat up, his hands clenched tightly into fists.
Goemon looked at his sword. "Well... actually, I think we should just tell him as soon as possible. Once Lupin knows what we are to each other, we can beat the acceptance we desire into his thick skull."
"Good point." Jigen smirked. "Damn, no wonder why I love you."
Before Goemon could puzzle out the way to respond to that, footsteps came from outside. Jigen and Goemon gripped their respective weapons. The door to the hideout swung open, revealing Lupin, who had Fujiko on his arm. Fujiko had on a small, golden crown that was encrusted with sparkling jewels—the crown of Yonaguni.
"Hey guys, you look well! Uptight as ever." Lupin grinned. "What're you still doing up at this hour?"
"I mean, Lupin and I certainly have a good reason for being up so late," said Fujiko. "We thought you two might be a bit shaken up after your little mishap with the ancient battery, so we stole the crown all by ourselves."
Jigen sighed. "It's already time to get this over with, huh?" he said to himself. He pushed his hat down slightly, and got ready to draw his Magnum. "Hey, Lupin, did you really think we'd fall for that stupid-ass trick of yours? Goemon knows all about polarity and stuff from his meditation."
"Right. I can even do polarity-shifting Chi Gung. Anyway, even if we had fallen for your trick," said Goemon, "it's not as if you could just erase our feelings. Everything would simply repeat. You know you can not win!"
Lupin gave them a blank stare. Fujiko released his arm, and stepped back. She covered her ears, ready for Lupin to give a screaming fit.
But instead of ranting, Lupin just smirked. He put his hands on his hips. "Please. I'm completely over this little... nothing... of yours."
Jigen and Goemon were gobsmacked. They didn't say anything. Fujiko just smiled at Lupin, realization dawning on her.
"Maybe I should explain," Lupin says. He clears his throat. A triumphant showtune plays in the background. It sounds vaguely pop-inspired. It starts off slowly.
LUPIN:
I don't mind if you're together.
You guys go off and have your fun.
'Cause I know planets don't go 'round each other,
they revolve around the sun...
FUJIKO:
The bright, bright, bright, sun...
The tune swells, and Lupin leaps into the air. He lands right in front of his friends, and points to them. He sings with pride. Fujiko continues to sing backup.
LUPIN:
Yeah, I'm giving you this one!
I'm being real generous,
'cause you two are so piteous.
It's sad how you're deluding yourselves.
You wouldn't even have met without me!
FUJIKO:
Yeah, uh-huh, all right.
LUPIN:
It's all about me!
FUJIKO:
It's all about him!
LUPIN:
It's all about me, yeah.
I never should have had a doubt.
Now I see things the way they are.
I'm the man with the biggest clout!
You two'll never stray, not far,
because it's all about me!
Fujiko glances at him, and Lupin nods at her. She sings the lead-in to the next verse.
FUJIKO:
It's all about him!
He knows you're only lonely.
You settled for each other on a whim.
And when this all breaks down,
don't worry. Lupin will be around,
because...
LUPIN:
It's all about me!
I know you're hanging by a thread.
But when that thread snaps,
and your romance is dead,
I'll still be the unchanging rock
in the stormy sea.
For now, enjoy yourselves,
because your lives are actually...
all about me!
With immense difficulty, Jigen and Goemon try to process Lupin's words. When they realize that Lupin really believes what he's saying, Goemon sings a verse.
GOEMON:
I can't believe what you're saying,
It's completely egotistical!
Aren't you just rationalizing?
LUPIN:
It's okay if you think I'm critical,
'cause I'm letting you do everything.
I know it's hard to grasp my power,
I'm the man of eternity, not of the hour!
You and Jigen can keep your memory.
In the end it's all about me!
JIGEN:
Oh, come on. You really are a crazy monkey!
You're a mad clown, a pierrot!
LUPIN:
Don't be like that.
I'm the romantic, modern hero.
I get you, man, I don't mind if you're a brat.
If you're still with Goemon tomorrow,
I'll sit back and watch the show.
Your silly love entertains me so!
You go and run from reality.
Because I know it's all about me!
As Lupin sings, Goemon shakes with barely-suppressed rage, his urge to kill swiftly rising.
LUPIN:
Go on, keep fooling yourselves.
Fujiko helped me to see,
life's still full of glee, perfectly,
oh, it's no mystery,
no matter what, it'll forever be,
all about—
The music stops abruptly. Goemon can't take it anymore. He draws Zantetsuken in a flash, and lets out a battle cry. Lupin shrieks. Just as Goemon touches Lupin's hair with the sword, Jigen pulls Goemon back.
"Wait!" Jigen yelled. "Don't you get it? This is perfect!"
Goemon could have easily broken out of Jigen's grip, but he didn't want to hurt him. "What do you mean, perfect?! Lupin has insulted us!"
"But if he stays like this," Jigen said, gently, "we can do whatever we want, and he'll stay out of it. It's not acceptance, but I think it's about as close as we'll get him without forcing a lobotomy on him." Jigen released Goemon.
Goemon reluctantly put Zantetsuken back in its sheath. "I think that's the definition of cold comfort."
After getting over the shock of almost being sliced-up like sushi, Lupin grinned. "Aw, now who's rationalizing?"
Jigen and Goemon took deep breaths. "How much will the crown sell for?" asked Jigen.
"Oh, I'm giving it to Fuji-cakes as an early birthday gift. Isn't that right, baby?" He smiled at Fujiko.
Fujiko gasped in exaggerated delight. "Lupin! How sweet!" She adjusted the crown, which was still on her head.
Jigen and Goemon watched the scene play out. They chuckled.
Lupin turned his head sharply toward them. "Er, what?"
"Uh, I mean... Lupin, you know Fujiko is gonna betray us!" Jigen said, hastily.
Goemon coughed. "Right. This has gone on for far too long." He and Jigen sat back down on the couch, grave expressions on their faces.
Lupin smiled. "That's better."
THE END
"Stop the presses!" The door to the hideout swung open. Zenigata stormed into the room. "Hah, that crown's a fake! I stuck a tracking device on it, and now I've g—"
Lupin put his hands in his pockets. "Sorry, Pops, but the musical's over already. Better luck next time."
Zenigata groaned dejectedly. "What? But I only got one song..."
"Hey, you're still better off than than he is." Lupin pointed to Jigen. "I mean, think of his low standards. He settled for a guy! And not just any guy, but a guy who can use the phrase, 'polarity-shifting Chi Gung' seriously!"
"Don't knock it till you try it," mumbled Goemon.
"And I'm not settling, you big jerk!" yelled Jigen. "You're the one who's delusional!"
"Oh yeah?!" Lupin yelled back. "I'm gonna—"
"Great, a big, stressful fight. Exactly what we need at the end of our story." Fujiko sighed. "Aren't musicals supposed to have some sort of big song at the end, or something?"
"Yeah! Hey, whoever's been playing the backing tracks this whole time, play a finale! I want to sing again," said Zenigata.
TIME TO RAP IT ALL UP
The backing track of a nineties rap song plays. It sound a bit like a sample of something Brand Nubian would rap over.
LUPIN:
It's too bad my friends aren't really gay.
Then they wouldn't come crying to me
just because their babes always stray.
And what was up with this episode's ending anyway?
Why couldn't she pick a way for them to stay?
Good thing this wishy-washy author isn't gettin' any pay!
FUJIKO:
I agree completely, baby.
Why did this whole thing
have to be about their cutesy old gay fling?
I barely even got to sing!
And we didn't steal any jewel, any bling, anything that shimmers,
just to see a glimmer of how you're not a tool.
Oh, we're no common fools!
ZENIGATA:
Oh, so you think you didn't get enough time to sing?
Didn't you see how I was barely in this thing?!
The girl who wrote this'd better go back to school!
I'd order a truant officer after her, but I'm too cool
for yelling 'bout who's better than who.
W-Wait, Lupin, I'll arrest you!
LUPIN:
Sorry, Pops, but I'm outta this scene,
everybody's got their problems if you know what I mean.
I'll tell just ya all that I can glean,
you look meaner than my jacket is... pink.
Okay, that lyric wasn't a perfect ten.
Hey, can somebody pick up my slack?
Fujiko? No? Uh... help, Jigen!
JIGEN:
What's that? You want me to kick your verse?
Fine, whatever, but don't go blaming me if I'm terse.
I can still outdo you in few words.
That's right, I'll prove you're worse.
I'm only frickin' here 'cause I wanted to subvert
my other romances, where my heart's ground into the dirt.
But the sappy shit in this episode is a real goddamn bore
that I don't adore, but at least I'm not paired up with some wh—
GOEMON:
Hoarse is what my throat has been feelin',
singing's so much harder than chantin',
piling these rhymes up to the ceilin'...
You know, eventually it gets real unappealin'.
Yeah, gallivantin', runnin' 'round the world,
till the point I don't mind watchin' a silly little love story unfurl.
At least we got to see Lupin ranting.
Yeah, uh, his whole worldview was slantin'!
EVERBODY ELSE:
Damn! Your rhymes are enchantin'!
GOEMON:
Is that so? Ahem, you're making me blush.
I think it's about time we all just hush.
LUPIN:
Well, I'll admit this musical I won't miss,
but I don't wanna be labeled a hater.
Now I'll blow all the ladies a kiss
and say, "catch ya later!"