Interlude

Chapter 9

I apologize even if it is a sign of weakness. Breaking Gibbs' Rule 1. I went so against the canon that I could not continue the story. It actually painted me into a corner and I had to use the painful paint thinner to get all of us out of it. I really needed to return to true cannon. For anyone that knows me from the CSI:Miami fanfic I've written, I've taken certain liberties in between the cracks, but never went AU in respect to the ladies and gentlemen that are actually paid to write the show for a living. I've gone a tad A/U for CSIM, but not here because of a neglect the writers made glaringly obvious. This is never the case for NCIS. The writers set this up in a delicate balance, the true fall-out that has not been fully realized, even in the tenth season. For my story purposes, look for it. It will come. They're sneaky cusses and I have no doubt the emotional things happening with Eli's death will come into play. The writers keep track and are irritatingly patient. I really went off the grid on this one and watching the episodes post Truth or Consequences made me cringe with what I allowed myself to write. There is careful canon written by the show's writers and no matter what fantasy I wanted to write, I can't do it. I erased the other chapters because they just weren't true to the canon story. I have to respect the writers that are doing a fantastic job of keeping continuity and time lines and the integrity of all the characters, their backgrounds and time lines. To step outside while in a canon timeline is just to disrespect those that work so hard to bring us the stories every week. I guess I am a writer with all the good and ill that encompasses. I will study some more, now that I have the dvd's and come up with something more inline with what the pro's wrote and envisioned. I promise that it will be good.

Ziva spoke to no one after the ovation at NCIS. It embarrassed her more than anything. She wasn't the triumphant warrior returning from battle She was nothing like that. She was a broken, dispirited victim that just needed to lick her wounds and heal quietly. She left, knowing the woman she was leaving there was brimming with hurt and anger; rage. She was returning, She was small and broken, not nearly angry enough to get a good froth flowing. She just wanted to be left alone. She told Gibbs that she would rather stay at the Navy Lodge instead of imposing any further on any of them any longer after being evaluated at Bethesda. She needed to stand on her own two feet, no matter what physical pain it caused her. She needed to fight for herself.

It was decided that Ducky would take Ziva to Bethesda and speak with her doctors and update her records. He glanced over at his passenger, who was more silent than usual. Her eyes were downcast and she wouldn't look at him. "Ziva, if you want to talk, I'm a good listener, as you well know from all of our talks over tea. Tell me what is weighing so heavily on your shoulders right now," he said, kindly.

She was silent for a while longer. "I am not worth the trouble that everyone went through. It would have been better if they had left me to die. I wanted to die."

At that, Ducky pulled the Morgan over and parked. He turned to her, taking her face in his gentle physician's hands. "You are worth everything they went through to bring you home to us and more. Oh, Ziva, that bastard did such a number on you to have you thinking like this. How he harmed you. Do you know how loved you really are?"

"Why?" It came out a shaky whisper.

Ducky regarded her closely, seeking knowledge from her pained dark eyes, before speaking. What he saw there told him volumes of just what psychological damage had been done. "This is a very long subject for a very short drive. We are not finished with this subject, my dear girl."

Ziva looked down and nodded, chin trembling. She wiped impatiently at her eyes, but said nothing. She dared not. She said nothing the rest of the way and Ducky didn't push her. There would be time enough to speak once she was in her room.

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Thanks to Ducky's thorough preparations, Ziva had already been checked in and was wheeled into her room as soon as they talked to the admissions desk. Abby had been practical and had gone out to buy Ziva a few things so she'd have stuff to wear, shampoo, conditioner, soap, body lotion, brush, comb, toothbrush, toothpaste and more. She even included a little make-up; soft colors like Ziva normally wore. Ducky took that bag out and laid out a soft set of sweats, a t-shirt, socks and underthings and stepped out of her door so she could change and be comfortable. He was just about to check on her when she opened the door.

"I am sorry that I took so long. It still hurts to move in some places...a lot," she admitted. She shifted uncomfortably. She lost her footing and stumbled backwards.

Ducky took her arm. "My dear girl, you're exhausted," he said, helping her back to her bed. He lowered it so she could easily get in. He tucked the blankets around her. "Better?"

She gave him a small smile. "Yes, thank you."

He pulled a chair over and sat at her side. "Are you in any pain?"

"I do not know. I have forgotten what it feels like to not be."

It broke Ducky's heart to hear that. He rose and sat on her bed, placing a loving kiss on the top of her head and gently embraced her. "What you must have endured to not be able to tell the difference."

"Do not feel bad, Ducky. It is what it is," She took a shaky breath. "I keep thinking that this is a dream and that I shall wake up from it and be...there again. If this is, I do not want to wake up."

"This is no dream, Ziva. You're home now with the people that treasure you, not for what service you can do us, but for who you are inside," Ducky said soothingly."Remember what I said in the car. You are loved."

"Not when they learn what happened; what was done. How could anyone love that?" Silent tears slipped down her cheeks. "No one could love that. I know. It is too much. Why couldn't they leave me to die?" She pressed her wet face into her palms.

Ducky fought tears of his own, hearing her broken voice. "Because we love you, Ziva. Our hearts broke when we thought you died on the Damocles. We mourned your loss as deeply as any family would. We were so broken. It was hard, almost impossible, especially for Jethro, Timothy and Anthony, to come into work every day and function without you, especially Anthony. Your empty desk ate at all of us. Too many times they came to autopsy to vent, oftentimes to shed tears when it just became overwhelming. Director Vance encouraged them to find a new agent to take your spot. They went through so many that didn't measure up to who you are. You are unique to our family, Ziva. There was no way anyone could have filled that void, even if you had died. We're all damaged in our way. We're all misfits, yet we come together with our flaws because we accept them. You have some extras now. Show them to us and let us embrace them and you. You have nothing to fear. There will be no rejection, my dear girl. They didn't know that you were still alive, but intel said that Saleem had a female prisoner taken around the time the Damocles was scuttled gave us all hope, even if there were no reported survivors. The boys tore off not too long after that. To kill Saleem was a goal because we had traced you to that camp and then there was nothing, and if he did have a female P.O.W., to get her out, even if it was not you. At least it would be a mercy, or rather, more eloquently, a mitzvah in your honor. When it was you, well, I don't have to tell you what that was like, the sheer euphoria that they had found you and were determined to bring you home. Everyone regrets the length of time it took to find you and get you out of that terrible place. We all did it because we love you, Ziva. You are so worthy of the love. You always will be."

She shook her head. "Not with the pain I caused. I cannot believe it."

Again, he took her face in his hands and forced her to look at him. The emotional agony in her deep chocolate orbs made him wince internally. Externally he held them, filled them with loving compassion from his own hazel ones. "You made a mistake. Those that love you forgive. You have been forgiven a thousand times over already."

"No, Ducky, you do not understand, " Ziva wept, "I said and did terrible things before I left. I accused Tony of cold-blooded murder. I refused to trust Gibbs when I should have. I hurt them all beyond reason. I was filled with rage and I carried death in my heart and I took it out on them and hurt them. Do you know of Karma, Ducky? Well, this was my three-fold, I guess. Only, I was not supposed to survive and now I find that they suffered more at my hands...what am I to do to atone? How do I make it right? I will never be able to because I cannot. How...how?"

The guilt that she carried inside of her hit him in a near physical wave. What horrid things had she been thinking that Saleem had turned on her for the last quarter year? Ducky slid even closer on her bed and tenderly embraced her. "Oh, my dear, my dear, you must heal to atone. That is the only thing any of us wish for you. You were angry and lashed out in that anger. We understand."

"Even Tony, whom I accused of murder?"

"Especially Tony," Ducky said, making a mental note to inform DiNozzo that he needed to talk with Ziva and soon so she could continue to emotionally heal. "He was the one that spear-headed the search to either find you or avenge your death and he was the point man on the mission. He refused to give up on you until he heard the words 'No survivors'. Then the intel came in that Saleem Ulman might have an unidentified female captive. He became a man possessed in searching for Saleem Ulman and he went into that dessert determined to kill Ulman or to die trying and free that captive. I think he hoped in his heart of hearts, and his is very great, that the captive was you because knowing that you were dead hurt him to the very center of his being. Ziva, it did not matter what you said and did. Tony understood."

Finally, Ziva fully broke down, crying the tears that she held in for months. "Please do not leave me, Ducky," she wept. All the guilt and rage and hurt washed over her in huge, engulfing waves to crash away, leaving her feeling cleaner, more at peace than she had been in a long time.

"I'll be right here as long as you need me."

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Ziva stayed for a very brief 48 hours at Bethesda. Her injuries cataloged and her mental state noted. Ducky managed to talk her out of Psych Services into his care. She would never speak to a stranger the way she could speak to him. He promised to have daily sessions with her, even if it was just tea and sympathy. In truth, Ducky couldn't bear the thought of her struggling with a stranger, never trusting, never knowing.

The heavy white cast that she sported gave way to a coban wrapping. The mistaken diagnosis of a break corrected with more recent x-rays and very decreased swelling to a hairline fracture that would heal far sooner. Her ribs were still broken and her spirit still low, but she would heal and it was deemed that she did not have to be hospitalized any longer. She still had to regain weight and strength in her limbs, especially her legs, but she was fit to go home as long as she had someone to help her out.

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Ducky pulled Gibbs aside, still at the hospital the morning that Ziva was to be released.

"She's more fragile than you realize, Jethro," he said softly, outside her room. "It's not so much her body, but her spirit that took the real beating. She's going to need a lot of love and reassurance to even get a measure of who she used to be back. I cannot speak on what she and I talked about, but she is going to need all of us and our love to come back as fully as she can." His eyes went soft. "She's so broken, Jethro. That bastard nearly broke her spirit entirely. I'm glad you killed him."

The last sentence shocked Gibbs. He'd never known Ducky to be happy over any death. "Just how bad, Duck?"

"She will, undoubtedly wake up screaming in the night and need someone to hold her and remind her that she is loved. Just hold her and comfort her and remind her that she is loved," Ducky said, solemnly. He hated to bring it up, but it might make Gibbs understand better. "Think about how you felt after Shannon and Kelly were killed; how broken you were. Now amplify it by 10 fold. That's where she is. She doesn't have revenge to focus on because you killed Saleem for her. She's just lost everything, including her father, who sent her into this disaster. She is so angry about that. She hates him right now. She doesn't have Israel as a homeland any longer, her home here was blown up by those she supposedly trusted. She is a woman without a homeland, a physical home and without a biological family. We're all she has in this world. She needs us so badly that she is almost paralyzed by it. Let's not let her down. She needs to be Ziva again."

"Geez, Duck," Gibbs said, running his hand through his short cropped hair. "That's...are you sure she can't...shouldn't she be...?"

"In a mental facility? No. She can come back from this, but it's going to take time. What she needs most is her family here. You, me, Abby, Tim and Tony. She needs gentleness and reassurance, not psych counseling. She needs to feel safe again; she needs a sense of home," Ducky said. He put a hand on Gibbs' shoulder. "Treat her like the daughter she is to you in your heart. Just love her."

Gibbs ducked his head. "I can do that, but she chose to stay at the Navy Lodge instead of by me. I'll see if she'll let me stay for company tonight," he said as Ziva was rolled into the hall, ready to leave. "Ready to blow this pop stand?"

Confusion colored her features. "Blow what?"

"He meant to ask if you were ready to leave," Ducky said, chuckling.

"Oh, then, yes! I want to blow up this pop stand," Ziva said, a genuine smile lighting her face. She may have a long row to hoe, but she was still Ziva and could laugh when thoughts and memories did not weigh crushingly on her.

Gibbs laughed. "Just blow, Ziva, not blow up. Just means you're ready to get out of here."

"Definitely."

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"I don't understand why you want to be here instead of staying with me." Gibbs said, quietly.

"I think I need to do some things on my own."

"Do you want me to stay?" he asked in a very soft voice, wanting, needing to take care of her, this daughter of his heart. She was so broken, so in a world of hurt. Why did she need to be so stubborn?

"You can still settle me in if you'd like, Gibbs," she said in the gentlest voice she'd ever used. She was hurt and confused and frightened, but she didn't want to show that. She needed to be the tough Mossad Officer she has always been, no matter the cost to her soul. Tough, Mossad... The pain needed to be buried. " I am hurting, yes. Is it time for medication?"

He eyed her for a very long moment, taking the luggage that Abby sent over. It was none of Ziva's well worn and well loved things, but they were thoughtful nonetheless, brighter and less military, and then said, "In a few minutes. I guess you can have it right now. What's a couple of minutes?"

Unbeknownst to Gibbs, after that last exchange, Ziva's defenses had finally broken down and she had begun to weep, to mourn what she lost, not just physically, but emotionally. She had no home anywhere on the planet...a true Wandering Jew. She had no family. Eli was dead to her after what he just put her through. The rest of her family lay in their graves in Israel. Mother and sister dead to terrorist attacks and Ari...Ari dead by her own hand at her father's orders, yet to protect the precious man before her. He was so precious to her. The father she no longer had. She was so very quiet at first that he knew nothing and then the trembling and sound became loud and hard enough to hear. Gibbs wrapped his arms around her. 'You're not going to be alone; at least not tonight. Let it out. You'll never be alone again."

"I've said horrible things. I've done horrible things. Terrifying things have been done to me. How can I ever be …..I have no home. Gibbs..." she wept softly. "I have no family. Eli is all but dead to me. I cannot return to Mossad. I cannot return to Israel. Can I return to you? To NCIS? Do I have a life here? Do I have a life? Who am I?"

Gibbs held her, aware of the mental and emotional pain inside this young woman. Coddling her and cuddling her wouldn't help, really, although that's all he wanted to do with her. She was the daughter that he longed for after Kelly was murdered. How she and Kelly could have been friends... Ziva was older by several years, but still young enough to enjoy Kelly's company, should Kelly's life had not been cut short at the age of eight. Kelly's ghost and Ziva had similarities. They both should have had a real childhood. They could have been friends. When Ziva's weeping became a torrent, he cuddled her closer, knowing that he now was her sole father figure in her life and she needed her dad right then. She needed him to chase the monsters away, to make the fear and pain go away. To make Saleem and his men go away. She needed to feel safe again. He kissed the top of her head. He began to rock her in his arms like a baby. "I shouldn't have left you on the tarmac. I'm sorry. This should have never happened to you. You are Ziva David. You are a wonderfully intelligent and extremely capable young woman that has come into our lives. Let's let the job work itself out. You are our Ziva. You are part of our family here. You belong." His arms tightened around her as she cried harder. He kissed the top of her head. "You belong to us."