Interlude
Chapter 10
Her talk with Gibbs had been excruciatingly difficult for her to do. He made it easy on her and just listened and gave her the space and time to think and speak her heart and mind. She had spent time in hobby shops, listening and learning about woodworking and then found the gift she wished to give him. It was something she knew that he had broken a while back, just before he finished his last boat. She had hoped he hadn't gotten himself another one in the meantime. Ziva half expected Gibbs to reject the gift, but he didn't. A soft smile ghosted his lips as he looked it over. She tried to deflect her discomfort with humor, but he let it go, saying that it was a really nice chisel. She stumbled awkwardly through her soliloquy and Gibbs just listened. She had gone there to seek his blessing to come back to NCIS. If he didn't give it, she would not be able to bear it. He had to give it. He did but didn't. It was so oblique. He told her that she had to speak with Vance first, and it wasn't just his good graces she needed to court.
When she silently promised Gibbs that very morning to stop and talk to McGee and Tony when she had her first psych eval, she didn't realize it would be this hard. Her hands were sweaty, her throat was dry and she felt as if she just might throw up. She smiled when the guard greeted her as warmly as he always did, no trace of pity in his eyes. Perhaps her situation over the last four months hadn't gotten all over NCIS after all. It was a profound relief to her. She didn't need the speculation of what was done to her to be on so many minds. It was to private; too personal a thing. It was still too new and too raw and far too emotional.
Ziva got on the elevator and punched the floor number she needed. As the elevator ascended, a bead of icy cold sweat ran down her back and her stomach cramped painfully with nerves. She was definitely going to throw up. She tried not to think about it and fervently hoped that the only ones she'd see were Vance and Dr. Bracco. Maybe the boys would be out on a that crime scene that Gibbs got the call about earlier that morning.
No such luck. The elevator doors opened and there they were, arguing as usual. This time it was about whom was more handsome. As she stepped off the elevator, she said, "Actually, I find McGee to be the more handsome." She looked up at them and it was so hard, almost impossible. She could barely meet their eyes. "Nothing personal."
Tony just about lasered onto her. "Hi."
"Hello." She wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole. Why couldn't they be out on call?
Tony smile a little at her, sensing her reluctance to engage. "So what are you doing here?" he asked very gently. He didn't want to spook her.
Before she could answer, Director Vance stepped in. "David, with me."
"I guess that answers that question."
"I have to go." She hightailed it after Vance's retreating form, fighting the heightened feeling of nausea about to overtake her. She was beginning to wish that she didn't leave the Lodge that morning and had stayed buried in her blankets and pillows. She was almost safe there.
The meeting with Vance was about what she expected. He flat out told her that she needed to pass the psych evaluations before he'd even think about letting her back in any capacity. Ziva knew, without a doubt, that she'd have to rely on every ounce of her very formidable Mossad training to pass the evaluations. She knew she could do it if she stayed with the cold, hard facts. She snorted in disbelief that something that had damaged her beyond what most people could fathom was going to be the one thing that could keep her at NCIS. It was ridiculous.
If her first prolonged encounter with McGee and Tony was awkward at best, her first true encounter with Abby was confusing. She did not know whether to be ashamed or comforted. While Abby verbally attacked her for doubting Tony, she felt her eyes well with tears and then Abby shifted gears, sympathizing with her. And then on the attack again and it went on until Abby declared that she had been so worried and enveloped her in one of her warmest, loving bear hugs, making the tears well even higher in Ziva's eyes. The "Welcome Home Ziva" sign made her smile and tears slipped from her eyes. Abby had felt the breath hitch in her chest and immediately brought Ziva into her office and made her sit while she drew a chair close and held her.
"I'm sorry, Ziva. I didn't mean to be so rough on you,"Abby said, cuddling her dear friend close.
Ziva wiped at her eyes with the tissue that Abby had thrust into her hand. "No, you were right. I had a long time to think on it and you just said what I had thought for all those months. I was wrong and if I did not let my anger and pride get the better of me, I would have gotten on that plane and come home. If I had not let Eli manipulate me-"
"Ziva, no, don't," Abby said, her own eyes tearing up hearing the self recriminations that had tortured Ziva's mind, heart and soul for all those months. "Don't think those things. It wasn't your fault. You were taken advantage of because you were so raw. Ziva, people, no matter what training they have to shut parts of themselves off, are still very vulnerable when in that state. You were taken advantage of." Abby reached out and stroked Ziva's cheek, drying some of the last tears there. "It's not your fault. It never was. Nothing that happened to you was your fault. You were used."
Ziva's face crumpled again and fresh tears fell, washing another corner of her soul clean. "Thank you, Abby. You do not know what you just did for me."
Abby hugged her close. "Yes, I do," she whispered.
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Talking to McGee had been relatively easy, all things considered, that is, until he asked her about why she was still avoiding Tony. Suddenly, her mouth went dry and her hands moist and she had to throw up. Her stomach cramped painfully. "It is not that easy, McGee."
"Yeah, Tony said the same thing after we got you back home," he said, taking a sip of his coffee. He reached over and held her hand. "Nothing, right now, is easy for you, Ziva. I get that. I read the reports and I don't know how you had the strength to live through it. I'm sure that they weren't as complete as what you're living with inside."
"Please, McGee, no more. I do not need the entire Navy Yard see me cry."
He squeezed her hand. "I'm just saying that I think you're the bravest person I know, whether you cry or not. I'm glad we went and got you and I'm glad you're back home with us."
Her chin trembled and her eyes were wet, but she did not cry. She squeezed his hand back. "Thank you for that one. It means a lot."
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Tony did not make it easy on her at first. He deflected her little joke she tried to use to break the icy plateau that stretched between them. Then he deflected her awkwardness by trying to make light of the night he was attacked by and then killed Michael Rivkin. Ziva wanted to bolt from the mens' room right there. She made herself stay. She wasn't sure she could do it. How she had hurt him. She wasn't sure he could forgive her, not truly. Yes, he had come after her and taken her away from that terrifying place and he even said that he couldn't live without her...so why was this is hard? Her mouth dry and her stomach in one burning, pained knot, she began talking, finally looking up into Tony's eyes. The hard look there softened in mere seconds. Suddenly, all the care and concern and maybe something more shone through and it was easier to speak. When he told her that he was sorry, she was confused. She was the one doing the apologizing. She was the one that had been wrong all this time. She corrected him and his eyes went even softer, even more gentle. She cupped his cheek with one hand and softly kissed the other. She inhaled his scent and a flood of good memories of them both crashed through her as she pulled back. He had called her a genius and she didn't know why, but the light was back in his eyes and they were good again. Another little piece of her soul washed clean.
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Ziva wandered that basement for over an hour, waiting for Gibbs to come home. Feeling braver and bolder after passing her psychological evaluations and making things right with Abby, Tim and Tony, she knew that she needed to make things right with Gibbs. This might be the easiest talk or, perhaps the hardest one, she didn't know. What she did know is that when she came out of the mens' room after making things right with Tony and she saw Gibbs in the bull pen, she felt a distinctive chill emanate from him toward her and it bothered her. She had to make it right between them, no matter what it took her or from her. She had lost enough as it was.
Finally, he came down the basement stairs, only slowing when he noticed her leaning against the far wall.
"We need to talk," she said, simply. That icy cold blew at her. He was not angry, no. It felt like hurt or deep disappointment, possibly even betrayal. What had happened over the last week?
He pulled up an old wooden chair for her and a sawhorse for himself. "Sit down."
She sat, suddenly feeling that same sickening nervousness that she felt in the elevator on her way to her first meeting with Vance. "When I came to see you and said I wanted back, you said that it was the Director's call. But I sensed your hesitation. I sense it now, even though I thought I made myself clear. I understand what you did in Israel-"
Gibbs' voice was very soft when he spoke. It was laced with that same hurt she sensed before. "Your brother, Ari."
Ziva stood for a moment in shock. That was three years ago. How could that possibly have anything to do with Somalia? "You know what happened that night. I was here."
"I want to hear it from you," Gibbs said in that same soft, hurt tone. What Vance had told him made him second guess his gut with Ziva. He had forgotten what a spy was and how they could insinuate themselves into anywhere for the execution of a mission. Ziva had been a spy then and a trained assassin. And a trained liar. "You had orders to kill your brother to earn my trust."
"Yes."
"That's a problem."
Panic seized Ziva's heart, making it hurt. "You don't understand."
"You're damn right I don't understand," Gibbs said angrily, rising and coming to stand toe to toe with her. He could see her flinch slightly and he wanted to be softer with her, but she had lied before.
She desperately needed him to understand. "When I volunteered for the mission-"
Gibbs could see Ziva flailing in mid-air, but he had to know. He had to know that Vance was wrong. "You killed your own brother, Ziva!"
The panic rose and she fought it with everything she had left in her. He had to know the truth. He had to. "It was because I had hoped that my father was wrong about Ari! I did not want someone blindly following orders! I did it to protect him, Gibbs!" He had to remember that, even though she was Ari's Control Officer, she was also his sister and loved him. She tore part of her heart out when she pulled that trigger.
"You lied to me."
"No, when I told you Ari was innocent, I believed it. I would have lied to you. He was my brother and you were nothing. But I was wrong about Ari and you. When I pulled the trigger to save your life, I was not following orders. I mean, how could you think...he was my brother. And now he's gone. Eli is all but dead to me." Tears choked the back of her throat and misted her eyes. With her rejection of Eli, she was alone in the world with no family. Alone. "And the closest thing I have to a father is accusing me..."
Gibbs searched her dark eyes for any falsehood and could find none. She was telling the absolute truth. He had been right all these years and Vance, wrong. They were right to welcome her into the bull pen and their lives. They were right to care about her to hurt when she wouldn't get on that plane with them and they were right to go into Somalia, first, to avenge her death, but gratefully, to bring her home to them. "Okay."
The tears slid from her eyes as she watched Gibbs walk back up his stairs. There were footsteps overhead and then she heard the front door close, not a slam, but just close. She was right. This had been the hardest of all.
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Seeing the looks on McGee and Tony's faces had been priceless. She had gotten the call from Gibbs the day before telling her get her butt back to work since she passed her evaluations and he reminded her that she still had mandatory counseling sessions once a week with Dr. Bracco and he expected her to keep them.
So, now she sat in the bull pen with a beautiful bouquet of lilies on her desk and smile on her face as she exchanged glances with McGee. He grinned back at her and she knew it would all get better now. She could really start he healing process and come home to herself.