Interlude
chapter 11
After Ducky left the bull pen, Ziva fought to concentrate on the work sitting on her computer screen. His commentary only proved to bring her feelings far closer to the surface than she was comfortable with. She was so frustrated that her brain was cross-talking in five different languages, and none of them English or Hebrew. Some days she hated her linguistic prowess. Today was one of them. Ziva rubbed her temples and tried to will her rebellious brain into thinking in just one language, already, so she could actually get something accomplished.
"What;s wrong, Ziva?" Abby asked, coming to stand before her desk. That Ziva was rubbing her head as if it hurt had her concerned.
"Nothing. I am fine," she replied, grateful that she managed to reply in English.
Abby shook her head, pigtails swinging. "No, you're not. Either you tell me or I'll tell Gibbs. No more bottling it up, right?"
Ziva glared at her. "He's off on a case and so are DiNozzo and McGee," she replied, letting all the frustration she was feeling color her voice. She made it abundantly clear that she was not happy at the moment.
"Shouldn't you be-"
"Apparently not," Ziva snapped, clearly angry. "My position here is unclear now so I go nowhere. I feel useless enough to begin with." She shook her head. "I would rather not talk about it. What do you need, Abby?"
"Nothing. I'm just a little bored downstairs since Gibbs forbid me to freeze things with liquid nitrogen and break them anymore, unless a case calls for it," Abby said, taking a step back from the Israeli.
Ziva took sudden note of the wariness that sprang into the Forensics Expert's eyes. "Abby, wait. I am sorry," she said quickly, "I am just frustrated and angry right now. I do not like being in this unclear status and I took it out on you. I did not mean to."
Abby approached Ziva. "Would a hug help?"
Ziva looked up at her. "It could not hurt."
NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS NCISNCISNCISNCIS
A couple of hours later and three texts from McGee saying they were still at the crime scene had Ziva more upset and frustrated then she had been when they left. She glanced at her watch and made a decision. She needed to stop feeling this way.
NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS NCISNCISNCISNCIS
Ducky looked up from the cup of tea he was pouring. "Cup of tea, my dear?"
Ziva stepped all the way into Autopsy. She came to stand near him. "Thank you, Ducky. I'd like one."
As he poured her a cup, she sat across from him. "I am taking you up on your offer."
"Tea first and then talk," he pushed the cup toward her and then offered her a choice of a couple of delicate finger sandwiches. "It isn't lunch, but it'll fill a spot until the boys bring you something to eat. They're mostly my mother's cucumber sandwich recipe. It's what I enjoy the most and Mr. Palmer has become fond of them."
Ziva took a couple of wedges. "Thank you. They are my favorites as well. I spent some time running covert ops in the UK. Tea time was something I had to get used to and then, well, I came to enjoy. When I returned to Israel before coming here, I missed it very much, but it was so hard to fit it in. It still is when we are..." Her eyes went pained as she broke off.
"So, until we have had respite from the morning, we shall speak on your time in the UK. Where did you go and what did you see?" Ducky deflected expertly, knowing she wasn't ready to talk about her current situation at the moment, which, he surmised, that was why Director Vance had not approved her re-instatement just yet.
Ziva gave him a grateful smile. "I have toured the Tower of London. My favorite place was the Chapel or Peter Ad Vincula. Not only as it serene, but gently haunted by history's ghosts. I lost the tour while tracing my fingers over the Noble dead's names that were there. Two Queens of England laid their heads in that chapel and were buried beneath the altar floor. Powerful, Ducky."
He smiled at her, enjoying hearing her enthusiasm. "It is, my dear. Tell me more."
"Then my op lead me and my partner...that was Jenny Shepherd, Ducky... to chase our target into the countryside. We went over hills and dale, moors and fens. We nearly caught up with him in Glastonbury. He holed up at one Inn in town and we stayed in a Bed and Breakfast at the base of the Glastonbury Tor. He climbed that thing and so did we to keep on his trail. The Chalice Well Gardens are something I want to one day visit again because I did not get enough time, nor did I get to focus on anything but our target individual," Ziva relayed at length. She adored her time in the UK and it had many very happy memories for her. She nibbled her second sandwich wedge. "We caught him in Penzance...please no pirate jokes. Mossad and NCIS both gave Jenny and I time to just unwind from the op. We decided to spend time exploring southern England... I miss Jenny, Ducky."
"Concentrate on the fun you had together and that can help. Don't dwell on Jenny's death. It would have been painful and debilitating should she had lived. She was very sick with an incurable illness. That she went down fighting is a mercy. Never feel guilty about her. She was ill well after you both joined," Ducky said, pressing another wedge on Ziva. "She didn't know she was ill even before you partnered."
She sniffled. "I just miss Jenny so much sometimes. She was like Tali, a sister. I talk to her, just out loud as if she's in the room with me. The "advice" she gives me is my own. I sound insane, do I not?"
"Not at all, my dear," Ducky said, pouring her a second cup. "Especially if it helps you to work problems out. What has she said about your current situation?"
Ziva dropped his gaze and was silent for a long while. "I have not."
"Will you talk to me?" Ducky asked gently.
"That is why I am here."
"Go on, then. You know this will stay between us," Ducky assured her.
She sighed, then began. "You were right in the bull pen, earlier. I am angry. My position here is unclear and I am being a visitor when I used to be part of the team. Director Vance will not let me in the field where I know I can do good and he has me tied to my desk. I do not blame him, but it is making me feel useless."
"And that's all that's making you angry?" Ducky asked, knowing there was more to it than that.
"Mostly. I feel...disconnected, somehow; like there is no place for me anywhere. I do not belong in Mossad and I do not belong here. I am staying at the Navy Lodge because I have no permanent home and do not know if I will need one here," Ziva said, at length. "I do not like uncertainty and I never have."
"Of course not, my dear girl," Ducky said, soothingly. "Certainly not with the disciplined way you were raised. Keep going"
Ziva shook her head. "And then there is Gibbs and Tony. They are confusing me. They come all the way to Africa to avenge my death, tell me how much they care about me, even show me when we were in Germany, but now...I do not know. Tony is avoiding me and Gibbs, Gibbs seems angry with me. Why are they acting like this?"
Ducky sat forward and took her hands. "Ziva, remember that you avoided them when they first brought you home. You were supposed to stay at Jethro's and you insisted on staying at the Navy Lodge. Now I know you spoke with Jethro and made peace, that much he told me. It is entirely possible that he's holding you at arms length until your position is cleared. I think he's afraid of losing you again just after getting you back."
She nodded, sort of understanding. "I just want him to talk to me, that is all. This morning, well, you saw. He left without saying anything to me at all. He knows that I want to help in any way I can, and yet, he acts like he does not want my help. I am very confused by this, Ducky."
"Yes, I can see you are," he said, making a mental note to speak with Gibbs and see why he's been giving Ziva the cold shoulder. As he promised, he would not divulge one single word of this conversation. He saw the behavior that morning and that is how he can ask. "And what of Tony?"
Ziva felt her eyes well. She blinked the tears back. "After we talked last week, I thought we were good. I spoke from the heart and I apologized to him for everything. For not trusting him, for hurting him, for accusing him of murder. He accepted my apology and I thought that we were good. Apparently I am an idiot, because he has been acting like we are not. Perhaps he is still angry with me."
"You are many things, Ziva, and being an idiot is not one of them," Ducky said. "Give him a little time to process everything. I assure you that he is far from angry with you. He wasn't angry at all when he got in that jump seat back last May. If anything, he's been worried, no, I will be bluntly truthful, he has been terrified for you for months. Do you have any idea how euphoric he is that you are back and safe with all of us? He, and we, all care for you more than you can possibly realize. As you heal, we will all heal with you." Ducky watched as Ziva's chin began to quiver and a lone, fat tear splashed just to the right of her cucumber sandwich. "Come here, my dear Ziva. Come here," he said, opening his arms. It took all of five seconds before he held her close, allowing her to sob her heart out, he, rocking her and making soothing sounds in her ear. Ducky knew she had already come far from the nearly completely broken human being that they pulled out of that camp, but she had so much further to go before she was right again and the boys had to suck it up because she was not going to be able to withstand too many more hits like she already has had at the hands of her NCIS family."Come to Zaida."
NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS NCISNCISNCISNCIS
"Gibbs, DiNozzo, I need to speak with you," Ducky said, breezing through the bull pen. "I need you in Autopsy now."
Sharing puzzled looks, Gibbs and DiNozzo followed the coroner into the elevator where Ducky hit the kill switch. He had a full head of steam. Ziva was still recovering in Autopsy with tea and sandwiches and a box full of tissues. Palmer, back from lunch had been carefully read in and was acting as quiet support for her, handing her tissues or refilling her tea cup when needed. Ziva, being so fragile, frightened him.
Ducky's chest puffed out in his most protective mode."Do you two understand an iota of what you are doing to our Ziva? I know you both need some time, but she is desperate for some measure of affection from you two. You do realize that she has no relationship with her father after this. Gibbs, like it or not, you are her father figure from the day you took her out of that horrid camp, most likely far before that. Act like one. DiNozzo, you could not live without her and now you seemed determined to do just that. Cut out the crap, gentlemen and stop the head games with her because it's tearing her apart inside. She has endured far more than we have ever suspected and it has eroded her self-worth to nearly nothing. She wished that you left her to die. I want you to think on that. She told you that, DiNozzo, did she not? Yes, she did. It was in your report. Lick your wounds someplace else. You're far less damaged than she is right now. Do right by her and help her heal." Ducky hit the on switch and the elevator hummed to life.
NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS NCISNCISNCISNCIS
.