Why I hate Laura Kalpakian's "Cosette, the sequel to Les Misérables"
Chapter 5
In which Kalpakian annoys us further by continuing to rewrite the ending to Les Misérables
(page 42)
Kalpakian writes that the cannon killed 3 insurgents. This never happened as a mattress had been placed so that it would take the cannonballs. Kalpakian writes that Cosette might risk Valjean's "outright anger" if she tells him about Marius, but Valjean rarely gets angry in the brick. In fact, I can't remember him getting angry at all, really.
(page 43)
Another musical reference, Toussaint says to Cosette, "... Your father is a saint." Valjean's room is described as military-like. In the brick, his room was almost completely bare. Cosette seems brave, contradicting her timid "personality" in the brick. Cosette, for the first time in this novel, actually seems intelligent in assuming that Valjean is in danger (he has gone to the barricades, though she doesn't know that).
(page 44)
Cosette says, regarding Valjean, "Saints don't get angry." which contradicts her previous thoughts.
(page 45)
Okay, seriously, now Cosette is following the sound of gunshots. When was Cosette ever that brave? Seriously!? And now she's back-talking a soldier, something that she would never have done in the brick.
(page 46)
Cosette is just completely rude to this soldier–who is actually that Verdier guy–who is trying to help her. Seriously, what the hell!?
(page 47)
Oh, there it is again! Laura Kalpakian's favourite word! And now, where she was brave only moments ago, Cosette is a whimpering little fool.
(page 48)
Aaand we have people assuming that Cosette is a prostitute. Kalpakian, do you honestly think that prostitutes would be able to afford the luxurious clothes that this bourgeoise girl is wearing? And we also have this sentence, spoken by Verdier to the concierge, "... Fail in this and His Majesty's fusiliers will relieve you of your balls." Victor Hugo would never write something like that.
This book angers me deeply. It makes me want to shoot something... Anyway, since this chapter was also short, I will combine it with chapter 6
Chapter 6
She's still rewriting Les Misérables
(page 49)
Enjolras tells Valjean, who has just requested to kill Javert, to slit the spy's throat, contradicting the brick, where Enjorlas gives his carbine to Valjean to shoot Javert. Also, Enjolras calls Javert a swine which is just... no... "Enjolras and Marius exchanged a last salute, a farewell, as a flood of soldiers and bayonets engulfed them..." What? QUIT CHANGING THINGS, KALPAKIAN!
(page 50)
Everybody else has sought refuge in the Corinth and Marius, alone, remains outside. That's just wrong. Marius was the least invested in the revolution, even if he did have a death wish. Enjolras and the others would not just abandon him like that. My God, Kalpakian, stop screwing everything up. At least she got Combeferre's three stabs from a bayonet right and– WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST READ!? " ...Enjolras' brains splattered from his broken head and dripped down the walls of the Corinth, where his body lay draped across a bullet-riddled window..." WHAT THE HELL! SHE JUST CHANGED HIS DEATH AND DIDN'T EVEN MENTION GRANTAIRE! EXCUSE ME WHILE I INTERNALLY EXPLODE!
(page 51)
She writes that Valjean ran whilst carrying Marius. Victor Hugo makes it quite clear that Marius was heavy and that carrying him through the sludge of the sewers was quite the task. Therefore, Valjean would be unable to run with him. Kalpakian has now made it clear that, not only is she completely ignorant of Les Misérables, but that she also appears not to know how hard it is to carry dead weight.
Since that chapter was also short, I will do chapter 7 as well.
Chapter 7
I still refuse to call this a "sequel" as Kalpakian continues to rewrite the ending to Les Misérables
(page 55)
She skips right over Marius being injured and dying and sick and right to Mardi Gras, which was, in the brick, the day that Marius and Cosette get married. Also no mention of Gillenormand finally accepting Marius' love for Cosette and permitting him to get married. Kalpakian, if you're going to rewrite something, then for God's sake, be thorough.
(page 56)
Cosette's hair is described as honey-brown. Wrong. It was chestnut-brown. Marius seems unable to think of anything but Cosette. Litterally. His thoughts are written as, Cosette, Cosette, Cosette.
(page 57)
Okay, so Kalpakian does mention that Marius nearly died, but only in passing and not in detail like Hugo did. Valjean "basks in her [Cosette's] luminous happiness." Um, what happened to him being upset about losing the only person that means anything to him? Kalpakian gives Monsieur Gillenormand a name, Luc-Esprit. No, no, no, no! His first name is never given... just no... Another musical reference "If Cosette's father was a saint..."
(page 58)
What the hell... Gillenormand says to Columbine (which, for those of you who don't know, is a type of clown [commedia del arte] from the 17th century that wears these really strange looking masks. There are others too, like El Capitaine, or Harlequin.) "Bend over and I promise I'll kiss you." Seriously, what the actual hell! Now Kalpakian writes that Gillenormand, after meeting Cosette, thought that they should marry, insisted even. No, he was still doubtful because he thought she had no money. She also writes that he didn't care that she had no money.
(page 59)
Kalpakian refers to an "Aunt Adalaide"... Um, does she mean Aunt Gillenormand? There is no "Aunt Adalaide." in Les Misérables. And what the hell did Valjean just say!? Gillenormand made a comment about embracing Napoleon, Robespierre, and others of the like if Cosette asked him to and he says he'd embrace liberty. Kalpakian writes: '"You would probably do that anyway." said Jean Valjean in a droll voice, it being understood between the men that Liberty went around bare-chested.' Valjean wouldn't say that!
(page 60)
Another mention of "Aunt Adalaide", a character who doesn't exist.
(page 61)
Marius' scar on his eyebrow leaves him with "an expression of ineffable sadness", yet he's filled with joy at seeing Cosette... What?
(page 62)
No errors, but, too be fair, the paragraph takes up only a third of the page.
This book... it makes me cry... it's just so terrible!