Why I hate Laura Kalpakian's "Cosette, the Sequel to Les Misérables"
Chapter 11
In which she's still rewriting Les Mis.
(Page 80)
Some prisoner died. This does not seem to have any importance whatsoever to the story.
(Page 81)
Apparently some of the revolutionaries survived and are in jail. None that were given names.
(Page 82)
Kalpakian uses her favourite word two more times. Oh, wait, three times.
"Don't you pigs ever shit in the pot?" He kicked the chamberpot over and it clanged dismally, but only rolled as far as it's chain would allow. "You are all animals. You live in shit."
"Maybe I live in shit, but you lick it up the asses of–"
This is just a complete insult to Victor Hugo.
Oh, apparently Pajol, whoever he is, is alive. Also, he's dying from scurvy and jailfever.
(Page 83)
He's telling a dead body to give the doctors jailfever...
Some police guy is saying that the rights of man are not important... *twiches*
(Page 84)
That one guy, Clerons, is back and he's a police spy. What the hell is this? Also, she uses more, unnecessary French.
(Page 85)
WHAT THE HELL, KALPAKIAN!? "By sucking your short cock? Merci, no." Again, more unnecessary French and VICTOR HUGO WOULD NEVER WRITE SUCH THINGS!
Also, apparently Verdier is alive.
(Page 86)
More useless information on Pajol.
Chapter 12
(Page 87)
Kalpakian writes that Toussaint was sent to live with her daughter. Um, no she wasn't.
(Page 88)
Valjean tells Cosette that he did not tell the servants not to light the fire in the room in which he visits with Cosette. In the brick, he tells her that the fire is not lit because he is not staying long, while really it was because Marius did not want him to stay long.
Okay, since when does Cosette order Valjean around? Like, seriously?
(Page 89)
Valjean makes a sexist remark.
Valjean tells Cosette that she and Marius should have fine things, one of which is giving lovely dinners for their many friends. Um, what friends? Marius's friends are all dead and Cosette has always lived in solitude or in a nunnery and, last I checked, the girls weren't allowed to leave that nunnery. Many of them had never so much as seen a man.
(Page 90)
Cosette just insulted all of England. What the hell?
Marius confronts Valjean again. This never happened in the novel.
(Page 91)
More unnecessary French. Marius tells Valjean of all of his suspicions about him.
(Page 92)
Marius keeps saying that Cosette is not Valjean's daughter and that, while she fell to Valjean by chance, she fell to Marius by destiny. No, actually. Marius seeing Cosette was merely coincidental, also, let it be noted, that in the novel, he did not notice her when she was ugly and not yet beautiful.
(Page 93)
Marius's words are the reason Valjean vows to never see Cosette again, much unlike the brick.
Aaaand Cosette walks in on them. Yeah, 'cause that totally happened.
Valjean says he's leaving Paris.
(Page 94)
Cosette apparently remembers her time at the Thénardiers' inn, going against the brick, once again.
Valjean somehow knows that Madame Thénardier died in prison.
Valjean tells Cosette her mother's name now rather than before he dies.
(Page 95)
Nothing, but, to be fair, the paragraph doesn't even take up half the page.
Can I set this book on fire yet?