Why I Hate Laura Kalpakian's Cosette, The Sequel to Les Misérables
Addressing a guest reviewer, Zoey: Vous êtes un francophone? Moi aussi! Mais j'suis une canadienne, alors le français que je parle c'est le français québécois et acadien.
Chapter 13
She's still rewriting it...
(Page 96)
The urchins have to irritate Valjean to get alms? Um, no. He just gives alms.
Apparently, Cosette often tries to visit Valjean and is told that he's out of town. Actually, she didn't try to visit him. Marius effectively kept her busy and preoccupied.
Kalpakian has failed to realise that blue roses don't exist in nature when she writes, "...in the garden of Perpetual Adoration the old nuns marveled over the appearance of a blue rose..." Yeah, that's scientifically impossible unless someone painted the rose blue. Roses lack the blue pigment. Blue roses are unnatural and therefore do not naturally grow.
What the Hell!? Enough about sex! "... they made love in the afternoon and afterward they played whist, idly naked...
(Page 97)
Cosette does cartwheels? No. Just no. She's supposed to be a perfect lady, isn't she? Cartwheels are simply out of the question.
Apparently Azelma is eighteen... No, she would have been younger than that by quite a bit.
(Page 98)
"Zelma Thénardier was large, angular, and strong, the image of her late mother, a dragon if there ever was one." Can we just talk about how wrong this is? Firstly, her name is Azelma, so if you're going to shorten it to the nickname, it has to be 'Zelma. With the apostrophe. Secondly, Azelma was bone thin and looked nothing like either of her parents! Oh, and she has reddish hair now instead of blonde; she has broad shoulders; and a tigerish expression. No! Just no!
Azelma goes to speak with Cosette. This is new.
(Page 99)
Gillenormand just tried to proposition Azelma...
Azelma doesn't want to go to America for some reason, even though, in the brick, she does whatever her father wishes.
Azelma's kind of a bitch and seems to know everything about Cosette's past; including everything about Fantine, even the part where she sold her hair, teeth, and body. How would she know that? How, I ask you, how?
(Page 100)
Azelma calls Cosette a bitch. That's completely out of character.
Again, no apostrophe before 'Zelma...
Valjean's number is said to be 24601. No! It was changed when he was arrested to 9430!
What the Hell is with this language!? "Maybe when Jean Valjean put a leg over your mother he still wore his lovely iron collar and his lovely green convict's cap. Don't you believe me? It's true! Your mother was a whore! She'd fuck anything that walked for money. She fucked convicts for free. It's all true, and if you think I am calling you baroness, you don't know your cunt from a cauliflower. Don't turn your head from me, you bitch." Seriously, what the Hell!?
(Page 101)
Azelma says Cosette was called the Lark because she was up and singing at dawn. Uh, no. What about the part that Victor Hugo wrote, saying "... except this lark did not sing."
Azelma says she ought to have stoned Cosette when they were little and that she told Éponine, "Kill the Lark, kill the bitch, take the man..." This is just wrong...
Azelma spits on Cosette...
Azelma says that Marius and Éponine often slept together and that Marius loved Éponine because she gave it to him whenever he wanted...
Dialogue between Marius and Azelma,
"If you were a man, I'd beat you senseless."
"If you were a man, I'd show you a good time."
(Page 102)
Thénardier is just all wrong...
(Page 103)
Apparently Azelma is taller than Thénardier and outweighs him. No!
A reappearance of Kalpakian's favourite word.
And another one.
(Page 104)
Azelma steals from her father...
Her favourite word again...
And there it is five more times.
Thank God that chapter's over...