Where we left off in Chapter 1 - Walt

"I don't want work to ruin our friendship. I mean we are undercover for a reason, right, so let's just get these motherfuckers."

"k"

She is right, of course. I'm off balance and I know she senses it. Deep down inside, in the part I never let anyone see or know about, I want these rings to be real. I want her to be mine.

I hang up the phone and smack my teeth ever so slightly. I look around my disheveled office get up, grab my hat and place it precisely on my dome, throw on my coat and head toward the front door.

"Ruby, I'll be back."

"When?"

"Don't know."

"Is Vic coming in?"

"No"

"When is she coming back? Who's covering your shift?

"I don't know the answer to either one of those but get the Ferg on the phone and have Branch back him up from the office. He's still light duty so he can answer the phones."

"Walt"

"Bye, Ruby"

"Walt!"

I stop and turn around. "Walter" she says as she closes the distance between us. "Please take care of yourself."

I lean down and kiss her softly on the forehead. "I will, promise."

I head out, not looking back, jump in the Bullet and head home. My house is as disheveled as my office. I sigh and grab my camping gear. By instincts, I knew I had to get away. Like, Vic, I know I need to leave. I need to escape. I head to the Red Pony and check in with Henry. I miss my best friend. It is hard for me to face him because of the disappointment I feel in myself for failing him.

"Walt, how are you this fine day?"

"Fine. Hey, I'm gonna head out for a day or so and camp. I was hoping I could just buy some quick supplies from you instead of going back to town."

"That, bad?"

I look at my best friend and purse my lips just a tad acknowledging his observations.

"Follow me. I will pack your food supplies for you."

I am thankful that Henry does not question me as he packs up for me. I tell him where I am headed and pay him for the food.

"Walter, whatever it is, if you remember to be true to your spirit and your heart you will find your way through to the other side."

I stand in the doorway and nod my head in agreement. I take off in the Bullet desperate to get to my favorite camping spot. I pack up my gear on my back and head out. As I ascend the mountain and begin to put distance between myself and the local civilization I know I am on the right path. I feel my truest self here at one with the earth. At one with the dirt beneath my feet, open sky above me and no two-legged animals to confuse or undermine me.

Here, I can allow my mind to relax and my guard to fall completely. Henry's words roll around and around in my head, "Be true to your spirit and your heart and you will find your way through to the other side."

As the sun sets, my campfire is made, and I bed down covered by a blanket of blackness. The glistening unpolluted stars envelop me as I exhale the uncertainty from within. I know I can't move forward until I resolve Martha's murder. My world is still off-balance because of my failure to protect her. Just as I had to sacrifice to reset my world for Cady I cannot move forward until my world is reset for Martha.

I know that I am enamored with Vic. I know that I must separate myself from her. She belongs to another man. It's as simple as that really. I have allowed myself to be weak and to feel things for her I shouldn't. The space in my heart is for her. I know it is and it doesn't have to be empty it just can't be acted upon. My need to protect her is overwhelming. My need to love her is overwhelming just as my need to see her happy. My actions have propelled us both off-center. It's my fault. I have driven doubt in her marriage and it is wrong. Just as I know being with Lizzie was wrong, on every level, I know how much I want to be with Victoria and it too is wrong except for the fact that I am desperately in love with her.

I take out the wedding ring that Vic bought for our undercover excursion with the Russians. I put it on my left ring finger because I find comfort in the security of marriage and only on this night, alone with the world as I come to terms with the sacrifice I must make, I can allow myself the comfort of loving Vic. Allowing my heart to imagine being her husband and fulfilling my promises of keeping her happy, safe and loved.

My sacrifice is my love. I have to set the world straight again for all of us. Tomorrow I will figure out how to walk away from her but tonight only my heart will be my guide.