Vic's perspective
"I made us appointments for the day spa they had a couple's deal but I'm telling you now I'm not letting some dude give me a massage. I figure it's a nice perk for staying in such a nice hotel for a few days."
I laugh aloud at Sean nodding my head in agreement. "You are too funny, babe."
I begin to relax as the masseuse works her magic on my back and neck. I begin to drift asleep on the massage table and admit that I have to talk to Sean about all that is going on with me. I know I have a choice to make and part of that choice means I have to be honest with my husband.
"Hey babe how about a nice bottle of wine after these massages?"
"You are on."
We make it back to the room and after my second glass of wine, I begin to relax enough to come out with it.
"Sean, I need to talk to you about what's been going on with me. " Sean leans forward with his hands between his knees and looks down at his glass of wine.
"ok. I know something's wrong"
"I need to begin by telling you that I love you. I haven't cheated on you but that doesn't mean I haven't thought about it."
"What, with who?"
"That doesn't matter."
"Yeah it does, Vic. It does matter. Besides I already know it's that fuckin' Sheriff. I can tell by the way he looks at you when he doesn't think anyone is watching."
"Sean, listen. I think what I'm trying to explain is stuff I should have explained to you years ago but I am just now figuring out myself. It's the closeness I have with these guys that I can't compare with our relationship."
"You mean this has happened before. You wanting to fuck some other dude."
"No, Sean. No, listen to me."
"Out there, with them, they depend on me for their lives. We go through shit that's not normal, Sean. We go to battle together. We go to war and I'm a warrior right along side them. Sean, when you shed blood together and trust each other there is this bonding…I don't know…how to say it…there is this closeness that you and I will never have."
"Thanks a lot, Victoria. How am I supposed to feel here?"
"It's a different kind of intimacy..is what I am sayin'. I chose you, Sean. I chose you and nobody else. I still choose you but I want us to be open with each other and I can't do that without talking about this."
"So why does this make you want to sleep with him? I mean I don't get it, Vic. Walt doesn't exactly strike me as your type"
"He's not, Sean. Not physically anyway but it's like he sees me in a way I want you to see me. I don't want to sleep with him and ruin what we have. This is hard, babe. I'm not cheating on you."
I know Sean does not understand this because I barely understand what is going on with me. He gets up to look out of the hotel window. He studies the view and finally adds, "I'm trying real hard to understand how I'm going to leave for work and all the while worry you and old Walt aren't rolling around while I'm gone."
"Because if we were it would have happened already. It's not going to happen Sean. That's why we are having this conversation. "
Sean takes his eyes from me and looks back out of the window.
"It's like Walt and I speak the same language and that will always be there with us and there's nothing that can change it. If I had a fly in my pants instead of a zipper we would be the best of friends. Compadres you know but it's complicated because I'm not a man. I think those same feelings of trust and love get twisted around because I'm a woman."
Sean peers at my eyes and walks over to me kneeling at my feet. He parts my knees and slides between them wrapping his arms around my waist. He looks up at me and gently strokes my hair behind my ear.
"Baby, I want us to work. I want you to be honest with me. I do trust you because you could have had any guy in Philly but you picked me."
"Well, I don't know about any guy." I smile at Sean.
He smiles back, "I don't know how I feel about this, yet. I'm trying to understand it."
"I'm trying to understand it too, Sean."
"Do you love him?"
"Yes. Yes, I do but it's a different kind of love. It's not like anything we have or I have had before."
"ok. I guess."
"I'm with you, Sean No one else."
Sean lays his head gently on my breasts and I fold my arms around him laying my chin on his head. I know I am making the right choices. I do love my husband and the love that I feel for Walt is like nothing else I have ever felt or will feel again. We are connected in a way that can never be described. I will live with that connection and that love but I will never act on it because I will never hurt my husband and I know Walt would never allow it. Our timing in this lifetime just isn't right but I promise to treasure the moments I have, the moments that are only for me, because I will love him even after I drawn my last breath.