"To be fair you aren't a threat to life or limb and anything below that threshold can be brushed off as comedy," Xander told Simon.
"Plus if you get too annoying I'll give River one of my tranq pistols and it'll turn into a complete farce," Dawn offered cheerfully, causing quite a lot of laughter.
Simon sighed. "Yes, I can see how that would be amusing and I'll admit I am being a tad overprotective and have yet to adapt to our current situation," he reluctantly admitted.
"The quicker you adapt, the fewer times I'll get to shoot you with a tranq pistol," River told him, "so feel free to take your time adapting." She grinned at him, letting him know she wasn't really upset, but the glint in her eyes said that she was serious about shooting him.
"I'm not quite that thick," he said dryly, a little amusement leaking into his tone.
"For the end of the world, we're pretty comfortable," Buffy noted as she ate. "I always figured if we failed we'd be on the run and hiding if not dead."
"The apocalypses we were dealing with dealt with demons trying to open the Hellmouth," Giles told her, "which is going to be nearly impossible for quite some time, thankfully."
"Well at least we're not responsible for this zombie apocalypse," Buffy said, "ours was just a cursed mask and we dealt with that."
"Is that the one where you prevented the Hellmouth from opening?" Dawn asked Xander.
"We've never had zombies trying to open the Hellmouth," Buffy said, going through the various battles they'd gone through in her mind just to be sure.
"Are you sure?" Dawn asked. "Cause Xander mentioned it when the mayor had him under a truth spell."
"The mayor had you under a truth spell?!" Buffy exclaimed, reflexively looking over Xander to make sure he was okay.
"It was how he trusted me about the apocalypse and to save Faith and Dawn," Xander replied. He turned to Dawn. "Buffy and the gang don't know about it. We had an incoming apocalypse and when I tried to warn them about it they just blew me off, so I had to deal with it myself."
"But you've been with us for all our apocalypses," Buffy said with a frown. "The only one you weren't…"
"The blue girls," Faith said with a wince, recalling her actions that night and what Xander had said about it while under the truth spell.
"There was a second apocalypse and we were too busy dealing with the one to even listen about the other?" Buffy asked herself aloud.
"Pretty much, except the zombies weren't trying to open the Hellmouth, they were just planting a bomb in the school boiler room directly beneath the library to blow up the school. Of course that would have resulted in all of you dying, leaving no one around to close the Hellmouth, so it was more of a joint apocalypse."
"And you didn't mention it afterwards?" Buffy asked in disbelief.
"You guys were all pretty fired up about closing the Hellmouth," Xander said with a shrug, "no need to rain on your parade. Besides, you had to deal with a hentai beast, I just had to deal with an undead psycho and his gang. As far as I am concerned I got off lucky."
"I keep telling you, just because it has tentacles and there were schoolgirls involved doesn't make it a hentai beast," Buffy said firmly.
"Sounds more like you're repressing," Dawn teased.
"Maybe a little," Buffy admitted, "but if we ever have to deal with the Hellmouth Guardian again or something brings our greatest fears to life… again, I don't want that thought in my head."
"That's fair," Xander agreed. "I'll just refer to it as the Guardian from here on out."
"So you get at least partial credit for stopping an apocalypse," Dawn told Xander.
"He gets partial credit for stopping all of them," Buffy said. "Like I said, he's been with me at every one we've dealt with."
"And now we don't have to worry about it," Xander said cheerfully. "Probably anyway. Once all the zombies are gone I say we destroy the school and pour a ton of concrete in the hole so someone would have to dig it up to try and open it."
"Sadly we still need to be able to access it ourselves because in roughly five years, if I remember correctly, when it naturally opens once more, we'll need to close it again," Giles told Xander, "though I do support destroying the school and building a cement structure around it to keep demons out."
"That's a worry for the future," Joyce said, "for the present you should call your mom and let her know you're okay."
Xander nodded through a mouthful of chicken, and took a drink before answering, "Yeah, that's probably a good idea."
"I'll take care of your dishes," Dawn told him, waving for him to go.
Once he'd gone Buffy asked Giles, "Do you remember blowing him off when we were dealing with the Hellmouth opening?"
"Vaguely," Giles admitted. "With everything that was going on I assumed it was simply more teenage melodrama and brushed it aside as something that could be dealt with after we'd prevented the forces of Hell from invading Earth."
"Same," Buffy said with a sigh. "Well, we won't make that mistake again."
"Do you think he does that a lot?" Harmony asked. "Deal with zombies and such and not mention it?"
Buffy considered that and shook her head. "No, that was the only time he wasn't with me dealing with things. We've been pretty much joined at the hip since I started school, except for summers when all the vamps and demons either hibernate or go on vacation."
"Demons hibernate?" Simon asked curiously.
"Some species do, however she is referring to what we call the summer lull when supernatural events of a deleterious nature do not occur or do so at a vastly reduced frequency," Giles explained. "While there are many theories we don't actually know why demons are less murderous during the summer months."
"Vamps practically stop turning people and rarely go out hunting," Buffy said. "I'm not sure they even know the reason why, since I asked Angel and he said he doesn't know either."
"You know an angel?" Simon asked, staring at the blonde slayer.
"Angel is a vampire cursed by the Romani," Giles explained. "They restored his soul and placed it in charge to torture the blood demon that was animating his corpse. You can meet him later. Which reminds me, we need people to donate blood and arrange for storage of it to keep him fed."
Simon just stared speechless while Buffy made a face at the description of Angel's situation.
"Want me to tranq you?" Dawn offered with a grin, clearly amused by his reaction.
"Please," he replied dryly.
*pfft!*
"I'm ninety percent sure he was joking," Kaylee said as she prevented her boyfriend from falling face first into his potato salad.
Dawn shrugged. "It was good for a laugh and he'll wake up perfectly fine in a few minutes."
"You are having way too much fun with those," Buffy told her, but was unable to stop herself from snickering.
Xander returned from speaking to his mother on the radio and sat down. "Well, looks like I'll be making a trip into town sooner than I had planned, as in today."
"I thought you were going to wait a few days so it would be safer," Harmony said, concerned.
"I was, but unfortunately my parents and their friends are idiots with poor self control, so I need to get them antibiotics now rather than two days from now, to prevent them all from catching… something," he finished with a shudder.
"Something?" Buffy asked curiously.
"I really don't want to talk about it or even think about it," Xander said firmly. "How are we set for antibiotics here?"
"The boss made sure we were well supplied," Faith assured him. "Need any?"
"No, I already planned to hit the pet store so it's covered," Xander replied.
"What does the pet store have to do with anything?" Buffy asked.
"They have antibiotics for use on animals," he told her. "It's the same stuff we use, just labeled Not for Human Consumption for legal reasons."
"Do you want me to go with you?" Buffy asked.
Xander shook his head. "It's easier for one person to sneak around than two and you wouldn't be able to keep up with me in the water."
"Seriously?" Faith asked. "You know she's the slayer, right?"
"On land I'm the slayer," Buffy agreed, "in the water I am dog paddle girl. Also, I can't hold my breath nearly as long as he can. I tap out at seven minutes."
"We can hold our breath that long?" Faith asked, surprised. "Huh, learn something new every day. How long can you hold your breath?"
"At least ten minutes, then he gets bored and wanders off," Giles said dryly.
Xander shrugged. "It was really boring and I didn't want to test if I could fall asleep underwater and not drown."
"Are you sure you'll be safe?" River asked.
"Safe enough," Xander assured her. "It's just zombies and humans I'll have to deal with and the zombies are of the slow and stupid variety. My nightly donut runs were more dangerous, though I'm going to have to bed down in a bunker for the night just to be safe, cause any vamps still alive are going to be desperate as they realize their food supply is gone."
"As long as you're safe," Harmony told him, "I don't think we'd be enjoying the end of the world nearly as much without you around."
"I'll be super careful," he promised.
"Can you let the animals loose while you're there?" River begged. "Starving to death in a cage sounds like a bad way to go."
"Planning on it," he assured her. "Not sure how well they'll do in the wild, but at least they'll have a fighting chance."
"Do you need a wetsuit?" Kaylee asked. "I'm pretty sure we have diving gear onboard."
"No, it'd slow me down on land and I don't lose heat in the water the way most people do."
"No, you felt pretty cold coming out of the water," Buffy corrected him, "you just don't care because it doesn't affect you."
"Same difference," Xander waved it off. "I need a waterproof backpack and… and that's about it."
"What about weapons?" River asked.
"I'll be carrying my pistols just in case, but I'm planning on picking up a fire ax or something similar on shore," Xander replied.
"So… you're going to dive naked into the bay and swim to shore?" Buffy asked in a voice so innocent butter wouldn't have melted in her mouth, which was completely at odds with the evil smirk she wore.
Xander just rolled his eyes. "Buffy… I was on the swim team, a speedo is worse than naked, trust me on that. You'll have to try a whole lot harder to embarrass me."
"Here," Giles said, handing Xander a neoprene dry bag. "I set it aside for you while we were doing inventory."
"Thanks Giles," Xander said, "I'll just go grab my guns and get everything sealed up. Be right back."
After he was far enough away not to hear her, Buffy turned to Faith and asked, "Any ideas on how to embarrass him? Cause if being completely naked and swinging in the breeze in public ain't doing it I am at a loss."
"Yeah, but I don't think we have time to pull it off right now," Faith said with a frown.
"Really?" Buffy asked curiously. "What are you thinking?"
"We get a tape recorder and when he comes out we blast that classic bump duh duh stripper song as we hold up handfuls of one dollar bills," Faith said with a grin.
"You are pure evil," Buffy told her as laughter broke out at the table.
Harmony turned to River and Dawn. "Do you think we could get him to play stripper for us?"
Dawn grinned as River looked thoughtful and nodded. "Yeah, but let's hold off on that until after Buffy and Faith play their prank. We wouldn't want to ruin it for them."
Xander came back out of the tour bus they'd slept in with the dry bag strapped to his back, completely naked. "I'll see you all tomorrow," he promised.
Harmony jumped up, ran over, and gave him a hug. "Be safe!" she ordered him, trying to be firm but a worried whine slipping into her voice.
River and Dawn got up and joined her in hugging him.
"Yes, you don't want to make us zombie war widows, do you?" River said, pulling him down into a kiss.
Dawn pulled him down for her own kiss as soon as River released him. "We'll miss you…"
"That's going to cause some serious drag in the water," Harmony couldn't help but point out, causing Xander to blush as his reaction to the girls' affection became apparent and was only blocked from sight by the girls themselves.
Xander cleared his throat and nodded before quickly turning and sprinting to the side of the barge, vanishing over the side.
"That's the way you embarrass him," River told Buffy and Faith smugly.
"Teenagers," Giles said with a sigh.
Beta by: Abyssal Angel and Mist of Rainbows