2006

The sun shone heavily down upon the giant red and white banner over the entrance, the words 'Welcome to Sylvester Spirit Camp' written in bold across it causing my stomach to churn with both excitement and fear. I had been dreaming about coming to this camp since I walked onto the field for my first day of freshman cheerleading practice. Usually the camp's head counsellor, Sue Sylvester would only accept high school juniors and seniors, but she was known for letting a very select few sophomores attend; I was one of those lucky few. Or unlucky, depending how you look at it.

Only the best of the best were accepted into Sylvester's Spirit Camp and I worked hard to ensure I was ranked among them. However, getting there was only half the battle. Sylvester's camp was infamous for being a glorified boot camp, there were no sing-alongs or canoe rides, no scavenger hunts or archery, the sole purpose of the camp was to send you back to your squad an even bigger cheerleading success than you had been when you arrived. Each individual's natural skill was honed to a point of near perfection, and it didn't get it's reputation by not living up to the high standard Sue Sylvester set from the get-go.

If I was a great cheerleader on the day I arrived, I was nothing short of superb by the day I left.

But the excruciating drills,the endless run throughs, the 10mile jogs that took place at 5am every morning, were not fun. Camp was supposed to be fun, right? No one complained, it was against standard rules for anyone to whine. If you whined, it meant you were an underachiever not worthy of the talent the camp would bestow upon you, but it was difficult to feel enthusiastic when you knew this would be your entire life for the next two months.

The girls at camp would often sneak out to the lake after midnight for swims that didn't require at least twenty laps, and sometimes we would even round up other cabins to come over for face masks and silly dance parities. It wasn't exactly thrilling but it was a nice break from the constant pressure put on us by our counsellors.

/

It was a Saturday evening when Tiffany Cooper approached my friends and I after dinner, she was the head bitch in charge at camp after attending for the past three years. She too had been chosen as a sophomore, and every year after. I idolised her, hoped to be just like her one day... even if she was a horrible human being. She told us that, as was tradition, there would be a party at the lake that night.

You see, every year, Sue Sylvester would take one night off to go into town and perform in a swing dance competition with the male anchor of the local news. It sounded ridiculous, but no one ever mentioned it. And on this night every year, it was tradition for invited camp goers to congregate by the lake and drink alcohol. I had heard a handful of boys from a neighbouring camp sometimes snuck out and came too, but I wasn't all that interested by that.

It was social suicide to decline an invitation to the party.

So, at 10pm my friends and I made our way to the lake to meet the others. It was a pretty hefty turn out. I had been under the impression it was an invite only affair, but it looked like most of the camp were in attendance. I was a little overwhelmed by the crowd. Most of them were older than me, and had been here before; it seemed to me that everyone already knew each other. Even the few friends I made fell easily into circles of girls that were complete strangers to me.

I hung back, opting to sit by myself and get a bit buzzed before joining the herd.

That's when I saw her. A girl I noticed when my parents had dropped me off three weeks before. She was tall, a little lanky even. Her arms and legs looked gangly and disproportioned from her body, and she hadn't quite grown into her ears yet, they stuck out from her shoulder length blonde hair. But she had nice blue eyes, kind, friendly, beautiful even. She smiled at me on that first day, and I remember bowing my head to hide the blush that crept onto my face. When I looked back up, she was walking away towards her cabin. I was mad at myself that I didn't approach her. She appeared to be nice, and it would have been good to have a friend from the start, but I figured I'd just see her around and talk to her then.

I didn't see her that much after that though. I made a few friends from my bunk who I stuck with most of the time, and the other girl seemed to do the same. I really only spotted her at meal times. I contemplated calling to her cabin and introducing myself, but that seemed over eager.

But here she was, just feet away from me, sitting on a giant rock by herself and drinking a PBR. I looked around me, noticing that everyone was still wrapped up in their own conversations, I approached the girl.

"Hi." I spoke quietly, still intimidated by her height and beauty. Now that I was closer to her, I could see how pretty she really was. That had been happening a lot lately, me noticing other girls.

She looked up and eyed me curiously for a second before she smiled widely, exposing her mouth full of braces. "Hi."

I scuffed the ground with my shoe, trying to think of something to say. I'd had a few beers by this point and was starting to feel buzzed, that feeling always made my thoughts jumble and it took me longer than usual to come up with coherent conversation.

"I'm B, what's your name?"

It was my turn to eye her with curiosity. "B? As in the letter? That can't be your whole name! If it is, your parents are assholes."

She laughed at this and it made me excited. "No, that's just the first initial of my name. Sue said I had to go by it to avoid confusion. Would you believe there are thirty Brittanys at this camp?"

"Thirty cheerleaders named Brittany? Shocking!" I winked, I was becoming more comfortable now that the conversation had got going. "So that's your name? Brittany."

"Maybe." She winked this time, and I giggled because this conversation was beyond silly. She giggled too, and continued "Just call me B, it's easier. You still haven't told me your name."

"Oh, right, yeah, I'm Santana."

"Santana." She tried the word out, then nodded. "Pretty. It suits you."

There she was, making me blush again.

"You don't look like a junior or senior. How old are you?" She asked.

"I'm 16. I'm one of the sophomores."

She seemed pleased by this information. "Me too!"

We talked more after that, and drank more. By 1am I had lost count of how many beers I'd drank,and I think B had too. We had moved further away from the party at some point but I didn't remember doing so. I didn't mind though, I kind of liked having B all to myself. She was a lot more fun to be around than the other girls I had befriended at camp. She seemed perfectly content with us being segregated from the party too, so neither of us mentioned it.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" Brittany giggled after cracking open another beer. We were doing that, laughing at everything, I think it was the beer but it might have just been because this was the only fun we'd really had since we got here.

"No. Do you?" Her features grew a little more serious when she shook her head 'no'.

"I don't know if I really want a boyfriend."

"Well, you're young, B! You don't have to have a boyfriend right now."

She shook her head as if I had misunderstood, and spoke again "I don't know if I ever want a boyfriend."

"What do you mean?"

She seemed conflicted, like she wanted to explain but was almost terrified to. I placed a gentle hand on her forearm and scooted closer to her. "It's ok, B, you can tell me! I'm really good at keeping secrets."

Her eyes locked with mine, it seemed as though she were looking for something in them, and I guess she found it because she took a deep breath and admitted, "I like girls."

I was shocked. Not exactly shocked, but maybe, surprised? I didn't know any lesbians. And here was this girl I'd just met revealing this big thing to me. She looked so relieved though.

"Wow. I've never said that out loud to anyone before."

"How do you feel?"

"Like someone's unstrapped a backpack full of bricks from my shoulders."

I smiled at that. She looked so happy. Her smile wasn't huge or anything, but her eyes were glistening with unshed tears, and just looked so happy. We sat in silence for a few minutes; I didn't notice my hand was still on her arm until she covered it with one of her warm ones. I looked at it when she did that, then up to her eyes.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For letting me get that off my chest and not running away. I've been so scared people would run away."

I shook my head like she was being ridiculous. She was a great person. As I looked at her, an unfamiliar feeling washed over me. I felt guilty of something all of a sudden, but I couldn't place it, more than that, I wasn't concerned about placing it, I was too concerned about how pretty B looked with the moonlight cascading over her, her stunning blue eyes still glistening. I felt extremely overwhelmed, more so than I had in the past few weeks since I started noticing these little things about girls.

I felt like I had to do something to release this tension that had suddenly built up in me. I didn't even know why it was happening, but as if my body was acting purely on instinct, I leaned forward and captured B's lips with my own.

We sat like that for a moment, our lips pressed together, not moving.

She pushed me away and looked me dead in the eye "What are you doing?" She asked softly.

"Kissing you."

"Yeah, but why?"

"Because I wanted to, I think."

"You think?"

"That was the first time I've been able to properly breath in weeks. I didn't even know I was having trouble breathing until right now."

She stared at me, confused. Not that I could blame her, I don't think I was making much sense.

Deciding to take a different approach, I asked quietly, "Can I kiss you again?"

She continued to stare at me, then nodded.

I leaned in, slower this time, brushing my nose softly against the side of hers, my lips ghosted across her thinner ones, and I looked up into her eyes from beneath my eyelashes. She didn't move, she waited for me, and when she let out a shaky breath I connected our mouths more forcefully than the first time. My hands made their way into her hair and I pulled her closer. I could feel her hands move to my hips and gently squeeze as I ran my tongue across her bottom lip. She opened her mouth to me and for the first time, I felt like this is what kissing should be like.

Not like the way I was used to, not that I'd kissed that many people. Just one or two boys from school, but they were rough, their tongues always felt like sandpaper, and they always tasted of cheese. But B was soft, her hands were gentle on my body, her tongue moved fluidly with mine and was so, so soft, her hair was soft, everything was just so soft. And she tasted like peppermint and PBR, which I found oddly delicious in the moment.

I couldn't get enough of the kiss. I didn't even want to break away for air in case she wouldn't let me kiss her again, so instead I breathed vigorously through my nose.

I moved my hands to her back and clung desperately to her. I wanted to put my hands everywhere but I was afraid. This was the most conflicted I'd ever felt. I was loving every single second of it, but I was overwhelmed with guilt. I didn't know what to do and knew that the second I pulled away the guilt would most certainly be the winning emotion. I didn't even really know what I felt guilty about, but it made me want to cry.

I heard a vague crunch from behind B. It sounded so far away but my ears were thumping with the sound of blood rushing through them. I cracked open an eye, and saw Tiffany standing there, her arms folded across her chest; the look on her face was one of momentary shock before being replaced by a smug smirk. Her eyebrow raised when she saw my eyes jolt fully open. I pulled away from B quickly, leaving her with a questioning look on her face; she noticed I wasn't looking at her, but past her. Without thinking about it, I pushed her forcefully away from me so that she stumbled and fell to the ground.

I didn't look at her, I continued to stare at Tiffany.

"What do we have here, sophomores?" Tiffany sing sang. She seemed positively glowing about what she'd stumbled upon.

I felt panic overtake the guilt and lust I had previously felt, and spoke quickly. "She's gay. She told me she likes girls. I was drunk. She kissed me. It was her! I didn't..." I looked to B who was pleading with me not to do this, but I was terrified. "I didn't want to kiss her. I tried to stop it."

Tiffany didn't look like she believed me, but I got the impression she just loved any excuse to be a bitch. She moved closer to B, squared her shoulders and looked down at her. "Is this true? Are you gay?"

B, who had yet to get up from the ground, flashed me a devastated look, and then dropped her eyes downward. "I don't know." She mumbled quietly.

"I didn't quite catch that?" Tiffany pressed.

B didn't look up, but spoke a little louder. "I... I think so."

Tiffany's obnoxious smirk grew even wider. If I wasn't so intimidated by her, I'd have loved nothing more than to slap it off her face. "Ew."

She turned on her heels and called loudly to where the party was still taking place. "Hey everyone. We've got a dyke in our midst. And she's on the prowl."

Everyone ran towards us to see who Tiffany was referring to. Seeing B on the ground, mumblings and whispers began to erupt. I couldn't even bare to look at B but I could see in my peripheral vision that her body was shaking and I knew she was definitely crying.

"I think it's time you left, don't you? You're making the other girls uncomfortable." After Tiffany said this, I did look at B and saw her nod her head. She pushed herself from the ground, her eyes completely heartbroken when they met mine momentarily before she ran off into the night, presumably straight to her cabin.

Apparently Tiffany enjoyed the spectacle she had created, and for some reason, seemed to like me more for my part in it. She ushered me back to the party and insisted I hang with her crew.

After that, I saw B even less than before. She barely came to meals, just rushed in, grabbed some food and then rushed back out again. Her friends had ditched her, and she no longer came for nighttime swims, she rarely came to scheduled swims because the other girls and issued a formal complaint to Sue, telling her they felt uncomfortable around her in bathing suits. Sue, to her credit, told them to get over it, but B still didn't come.

The few times I did see her she was only ever with one girl, some red head with frizzy hair, that I had heard was only allowed in because her dad made a generous donation to Sue.

Two weeks before camp ended, I stopped seeing B around altogether, and many people said she had called her parents to pick her up early.

I was disgusted with myself, but I didn't know what to do. I was confused by my feelings, and more than that, I was terrified of them. It didn't really matter then anyway, B was gone and I'd probably never see her again, so my main focus had to be getting rid of these urges, find a boyfriend to make me forget these feelings that I couldn't possibly be having.

Quinn sat across from me as I re-counted the events of that year at camp, her face pretty void of any emotion. It was hard to tell what she was thinking.

"I never thought I'd see her again, Quinn. I didn't even know it was her until tonight." After the revelation, I murmured a rushed apology and ran past Brittany out of the apartment, Quinn followed me out and took me home when I begged her to. Of course, she demanded an explanation as soon as we got here.

"I bet." I didn't look up at her. I knew she'd be disappointed, so I just continued to nurse my putrid cup of instant coffee.

"Do you hate me?" My voice sounded foreign in my ears, and so small.

Quinn sighed. "No. You're my best friend, of course I don't hate you. I'm just so sad for Brittany. I can't believe you did that."

"I know. I hated myself for it. But I was so scared, Quinn. I was having all of these feelings, feelings for a girl, and I was 16 and stupid. So stupid. And I know that doesn't excuse what I did but I panicked. For two years, I lived with that fear and self-loathing, being mean was the only way I knew how to pretend like I was coping but I was falling apart the entire time. I was 18 before I learned to accept myself. I'm not that person I used to be. What am I gonna do, Q? How do I get her to forgive me?"

My friend's eyes softened. "Look, Santana, I get it, you were dealing with your own shit, and she got caught in the initial cross-fire. It doesn't make it ok, but I understand; she probably understands, but quite frankly, I don't know if you can expect her to forgive you."

"I have to at least try! I've never felt a connection like that with anyone else."

"Well, you can try, but if she doesn't want your apologies, you need to give her her space. You owe her that at least."

Quinn looked at her phone and noticed the time. "Shit. It's 3am, I better go. Are you going to work tomorrow?"

I nodded.

"Ok, see you then. Try to get some sleep."

Quinn headed towards the door, but I called out and stopped her in her tracks. "How am I gonna face her in the morning?"

Quinn shrugged. "Figure it out."

And with the she left.

A/N: Thank you for your patience. I didn't intend for their to be such a long break between chapters but I moved apartment and as anyone who's done that will know, it's a bit of a process (curse Ikea!). But I'm pretty much settled now so I should be back in the swing of things.

For anyone who reads by other fics, I'm gonna try get updates up for them over the next few days too!

Thanks for reading!