Well, well, well. Hello my little newborns and pups! Some of your reviews really did make a gal feel mighty mighty good about herself. So I hope you enjoy this little doggy I whipped up for ya! enjoy! :P (all typos are mine.)

The Twilight saga: Distance – part 1

Chapter 9

~Admitted love isn't always best - so please let me go...~

IT was an abandoned war ground.

The newborns were all gone, torn and ripped apart in the battle, the ground was fogged with a translucent lavender tinted smog that hit my nose and nearly made me gag from the ghastly smell as Edward and I burst through the clearing.

Nearing the center of the field and stopping, Edward carefully placed me on my feet. "Try not to breathe in as much. Breathe through your mouth." he advised. I nodded numbly as I gazed around at the pale bits and pieces of destroyed newborns strewn about, littering the grounds as the Cullens and wolves alike picked them up and carelessly tossed them into the fire to burn.

I tried my best not to dispose contents from my already empty stomach as the mauve smoke billowed and rose from the ashes that was once newborns, once people.

Shaking my head from the thought, I tried to ease it with the thought that these were killers. All out to target me, even killing those who tried to stop them so be it. It was kill or be killed.

But it still didn't help the overly sweet and sickening smell of burning corpse that tainted the air.

Catching a blur, it stopped a few feet from the fire and I watched as Carslie dumped an armful of limbs into the fire, squinting as the fire blazed, watching them burn. He seemed fine, but his face was pinched with a kind of pained expression.

I understood. Carslie wasn't a killer if he could help it. It was the reason he worked so hard to be a doctor, to heal instead of destroy. But he protected when needed. I couldn't imagine his mind set in all of this, having to kill those who was forced into this life like he was. Practically teens who were confused and manipulated, driven by their bloodlust.

Carslie turned away and just as quickly, continued to clean up the evidence of what transpired here today. Edward stood guard in front of me, the flames from the burning pit dancing in his ocher orbs with an unreadable expression playing on his face. Every now and then, his eyes would dart to follow the blur of a Cullen or to the wolves flitting out of the tree lines to dispose limbs into the pit before darting back in. Making sure to kill or gather any stray newborns.

I fleetingly thought of Angela and hoped for the tenth time that she really did make a clean getaway.

Shaking away the thought, I continued to watch as everyone made last attempt to work together and rid of the corpses. Everyone was fine, they were safe. But something still felt off.

My eyes searched the tree lines. Where's Jacob? I frowned, searching again as I took a few steps from Edward to get a better look.

"Bella" his hand shot out as he quickly stopped me.

I froze as it broke me from concentration. I turned around to see that he was gazing at me, his face still indifferent but I could sense his worry and questioning. I silently shook my head. I was fine.

He remained unmoving for a moment before nodding and slowly retracting his hand. My brows furrowed. What was his problem? He saw my expression and briskly turned away. But I saw it. The look in his eyes as he looked away was a familiar give away that he wasn't telling me something. But I shook off the suspicion and turned to search the tree lines, not taking a step further for Edward's sake. He was a little more over protective right now – and I understood that. I also understood that he was going to tell me what it is that he's hiding once I'm home. But for right now, I needed to see Jacob. It's just…that feeling in my gut. It wouldn't go away. At least, not until I saw that he was okay.

He had to have made it back by now.

My eyes continued to sweep the tree lines for russet fur. Then I saw it. It would flicker in and out of sight as I struggled to keep up with it. My damned heart picked up as I would catch glimpse after glimpse. It was him, I knew that it was. But he never came out of the trees and I found myself bouncing on the balls of my feet in anticipation to fully see him, to wrap my arms around his neck, to see that he was completely fine. I wanted his smile to ease this dread that lived in my gut. Hell, he could even laugh at my sickening worry if that showed that he was ok and that I did just that, over worry.

His large frame slowed to a halt. His large head lifting to sniff the air before quickly turning to face in my direction, his eyes brightening considerably as they settled on me. I watched him, noting the same pools of dark caramel, shimmering with gold as they studied me. The same as they were on the hill top. They started from the bottom up, slowly tracing up and seeming to sear my skin as they did so. I shifted nervously as my heart pounded, wishing he would stop and that I could hug him all at once. His eyes paused on my side, a knowing glint coming to his eyes.

I cursed silently. Seth. Jacob must have seen everything from him by now. I frowned. No doubt he's going to blame Edward too. Jacob studied the wrapped gash on my arm in the same way before his eyes flickered to Edward and his muzzle pulled back, immeting a low growl I couldn't really make out. I sighed. And he's blaming Edward.

Edward heard Jake's growl loud and clear and he turned to eye Jacob, his face showing that he was reading his mind as he stepped out in front of me, his arm slightly held out. "I didn't do that, Jacob." He answered softly.

Jacob's eyes flicked to how Edward stood, guarding me. Seeing this, his eyes darkened as his eyes flashed back to Edward, an angry growl rumbling from his throat. "Control your temper..." was Edward's reply before I moved from behind him.

I peered up at him with a warning glare. "Don't" I gritted through clenched teeth. I shook my head. "Don't taunt him." this was not the time.

Edward turned his gaze from Jacob to me, slightly incredulius. He wants to come to you." he explained, his accent rolling. He shook his head and peered past me, to Jake. "He's upset. You know how unstable their anger could be."

Now my face contorted into incredulity. He was still on this? Haven't he realized by now? Jake would never hurt me, not intentionally. It's me doing all the hurting…

"You're trying to keep me from him?" I demanded, pushing those thoughts away.

Edward peered past me again, seeming in a bind before he focused on me again. "No. it's just…" he searched for ways to word his reasoning. "I don't…"

"You don't want me around him." I broke in as I folded my arms, my irritation rising.

"No!" he denied. "It's just… something isn't right. It's him." His eyes begged me to understand. "I know it. Something is different." He finished softly. He glared momantarily in Jacob's direction. "More so than usual..." he muttered, and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to catch that or not.

I gazed at him, everything about him telling me that it was the truth. But I didn't believe it. "Yea, there is something different." I replied curtly, eyeing him up and down with meaning. With a lot of things that seemed off about him, he wasn't going to just sit here and down Jake.

Even if it must be the jumbled mess that had to be having some affect in my mind.

Edward's brows furrowed in confusion but I turned away from him, walking to Jake, but Edward's hand shot out. "Bella" he plead, touching my shoulder. My stomach revolted.

I squeezed my eyes shut and forced down the feeling. That was one of the most recent ocurring things off about him; his touch, and it confused and irratated me more than the strange reaccuring anger.

My eyes peeled open with a scowl setteling on my face, not sure who exactly I was angry at though. God, what is wrong with me? That was a question that was beginning to become ingraved in the walls of my mind.

"Bella, I'm just trying to keep you safe. Can you blame me for worrying?" he questioned, the hurt evident in his voice.

I breathed deeply, mindful to do so through my mouth. "Edward, he would never hurt me. You know that." I chose my words carefully, not trusting myself on this subject. It was touchy, always too touchy. I hated it.

"Maybe, but you can never be sure." He replied.

"Is he thinking of doing such a thing, Edward? Where in his mind does he want to hurt me?"

Edward withheld a wince. "His thoughts are the problem." he mumbled.

"You had no problem before." I pointed out, a feeling of annoyance bubbling up from nowhere - as it seem to also occur alot lately. I turned to glance at Jacob. This was rediculas.

"Agreeing to disagree, Bella. And that was before…" he abruptly halted, but the words were already thrown into the air, dangerously clinging to the space between us.

My eyes widened as my head whurled to look at him. He couldn't look into my eyes as his hand dropped to his side. But I knew: It was the kiss. He didn't have to finish that sentence for me to know where he was going with it.

But again, there was no guilt. No crushing conscious screaming that it was something hurtful and crule to do, not even the slightest itch of betrayal settled in my chest.

But my throat seemed to slowly close as I searched for something to say. But what could I say other than to forgive me? I didn't regret it. But I also wasn't any surer – of anything. And all of it only served to anger me."You…" My voice cracked, I cleared my throat. "I'm only human, right?" I replied, using the same words he did only hours ago.

He frowned. I frowned too. That excuse was as empty and flimsy as it was when he spoke them - even if it was also annoyingly true. I gazed into his eyes, hoping he'd somehow see my apology and guilt even if I didn't feel it.

For a moment, he seemed to be in offense to my words, him mouth frozen shut as precious seconds ticked by. "Yes," he finally replied. "and I can't blame you in any way for being that." He monotonously, softly, his voice like razors as he seemed to use the same strange tone as he did back at the camp sight. His voice then lowered to a quiet murmur. "You care for him. I know that. But that doesn't mean you have to keep choosing him."

My fists curled. "I've chosen and you know that. I'm just checking on him. He's my friend." I stomped down the childish urge to stomp my foot and blow out a fistful of air. But that was how he was making me feel: like a mere child. And with the strange way I've been acting and feeling, Edward doing this right now was not helping dammit!

Edward scoffed lowly, a rueful smile coming to his face. "Friend" he repeated, as if it was some joke he completly missed all humor on.

He was disbelieving. My irritation grew to being pissed off. I can't deal with this right now. "Yes, friend." I hissed, narrowing my eyes. "You have a problem with him being that now?"

Edward smiled and chuckled humorlessly as he turned away. "It was never my choice" he stated.

"Like now" I clipped.

"Bella, you should know he doesn't see you as a friend." He sighed, his face now serious as his eyes probed mine. "When will you get that? How many times do I have to tell you before you get that into that beautifully secret mind of yours? He knows..."

I shook my head and turned away. "We'll talk about this later." I turned around to find Jake's wolf still standing there, his eyes watching me and Edward, having heard everything we've said and more. "And you." his head tilted slightly in acknowledgement.

I couldn't help it, my features softened. I could chastise him as well - later. Right now, my gut was still clenching as my eyes tried to scan his body for any injuries. I was being a little overbearing - I knew that - but I couldn't help it. It was like something that was front and center, blaring in my mind for immediate attention. Is he really okay? Upon not seeing anything physically wrong - which is not a surprise at this distance and with my 'human eyesight' - I met his suddenly off gaze for confirmation.

"You're okay?" I questioned as I restrained from going to him like I wanted. But Edward was right in a sense. I needed to stop saying one thing and doing the next. I couldn't have Jake thinking that whatever happened between us was going to levitate our friendship into more.

But isn't it already more? A little too late, don't you think? My mind retorted starkly. I ignored it.

At my question, Jake's eyes rolled, giving a look that said much as he turned and stalked off, ignoring me.

It was so sudden and off-throwing that I could only stand, stumped. "He's upset that he was referred to as a friend." Edward spoke up in a way of proving his point.

I turned to face him, my frustration returning. "I'm talking to him later." I stated, it was my point that I wasn't going to just drop all of this. That I was going to try to sort this out - if I could.

Edward's face flashed with his want to object but, knowing me, said nothing. It would be no use. I needed to fix this the best I could. "I know." He slowly released a steady stream of air.

I copied his actions and pushed my frustration down and walked closer to him, feeling that energy, our energy as I decided to name it. "Hey" I whispered. Wanting to give him something, some type of assurance that as I stood on this shaky ground, I would never trip over a cliff - that I was still intact in mind...as much as I could be. He was my forever. I refuse to let that change.

He gazed into my eyes. "I know" he replied softly, understanding my silent meaning. "Consequences, remember?" his lips lifted into a weak attempt of a smile. I pressed myself into his chest and wrapped my arms around him, breathing in his scent deeply and not caring of the strange under layer as my mind hazed as dangerously as before. I felt as his arms slowly wrapped around me and hold me to him in a vice grip, careful of the extent of his hold.

His lips touched my head and I bit back a whimper at the feeling of being so misplaced. I was so undeserving. But we'll make it through. We have to. I knew I wasn't making it any easier and this confusion that was drizzled over so much was just another added weight onto my mountain of doom. It was a feeling of destruction being just around the corner. But it would come with us standing together. At least, I could only hope so.

Opening my eyes, I took in our surroundings again, wanting this to just be over – when my eyes landed on something. No, someone.

My brows furrowed as I lifted my head from Edward's chest, my hazed mind working to function properly as I took in Carslie's and Esme's still forms. They were the only ones of the Cullen family – besides Edward – that was standing stock still, both gazing intently at a girl that was visibly shaking on the ground.

One look instantly told me she was one of the newborns. Why they didn't kill her escaped me but I assumed she wasn't a true threat since they didn't. But still, knowing she was there was unnerving.

"Angela…" I mumbled thoughtfully, the taste of her name was to be forever bitter on my tongue.

"What?" Edward questioned stiffly, tensing.

I glanced at him, shaking my head at the silent question that he emitted as his eyes darted around for my lost friend.

Once securing the mere thought of her being here - which should have been impossibly likely to begin with - he peered at me again, his gaze searching for reason to why I uttered the name.

I shook my head again, withholding a sigh of pity, before turning back to the newborn. "That newborn, she kind of holds a resemblance to Angela." I explained as I peered over the newborn's features.

Edward paused and studied her. "Hm, so she does…" he quietly agreed, his arm tightening around me. I ignored the strange suspicion that bloomed in the back of my mind and simply nodded, unable to look away from her, envisioning Angela. Sweet Angela...

"I'm sorry"

The words were unexpected and unneeded - as always. I glanced up at Edward to see him gazing at the newborn. But his words held more meaning. A lot more meaning. I smirked. "Always the noble." I joked half-heartily before I turned away to watch as the other Cullens fleet around the clearing, nearly done now. "And it's not your fault." I retorted more seriously.

Edward smiled. "I exist" he stated. I frowned at that, but said nothing. That wasn't up for argument.

A cold breeze brushed against my face and I turned to see Emmett dusting off his hands in a comical fashion before breathing deeply to feign exhaustion. "Whew! That's the last of 'em." He rolled his eyes in overdone exasperation. "Kids" he scoffed. "They want to be little bad asses until you put them in time out, then they go a pouting and fighting." and he had the audacity to wear a look of genuine exhaustion. "Create kids, they say. It'll be fun, they say." he drug a large hand over his face tiredly. "I need a fuck'n drink."

Despite the situation, a smile crawled across my face at his insane sense of humor.

That must've been his goal because he grinned widely at me. "Just hope you don't turn out to be this crazy when you turn Bells." He joked with a wink.

With that, my smile instantly died. Quickly glancing to Edward, I hastily pulling on another one though the weight in my heart watered it down far more than I liked.

I looked at Emmett and simply nodded, my mouth unable to open again. Rather Emmett didn't notice, or he simply chose to ignore it before ruffling my hair with a chuckle and was gone again. For that, I silently thanked him.

Slowly breathing, I felt as if the world was blurring past me as I began to think over today's events. I'm not really sure, but it kind of just...pulled me outside of myself. Everything around me doubling in sense, sensitive to the feel, smell, and sight - yet I completely disengaged as my mind wandered back. Back to the clearing, back to that beautifully majestic creature that seemed to strongly embed it's being into my pores with the most terrifying and balance knocking sense of familiarity I've ever felt. As odd as that sound...

I wasn't really sure what happened after that, but at severe sounds of growling, I spun and froze at seeing a stray newborn leaping from the canopy and attacking a grey wolf I quickly made out as Leah. He instantly had the upper hand of surprise as he latched onto her back, his nails digging into her sides as she growled in anger and pain.

Every wolf and Cullen seemed to have wanted to react, but in rage, Jacob was the quickest. He nothing but a russet blur as he collided with them, attacking viciously as the newborn was rammed off of Leah's back. It snarled as it began to fight for its life.

It was then, as they tousled that my feeling of complete dread crashed back into my body with such a vengeance. I never felt something so awful, my chest lashing out like an acid whip.

Protect

The hairs on my neck stood on end as everything seemed to slow. It felt like minutes too late as my body hastily turned and blindly, dashed madly for Jacob. But they were faster and my eyes widened the same time my heart dropped at seeing the newborn hastily twist behind Jacob and shove his arms around Jake's middle.

The thundering beats of my heart dangerously escalated as a numbing cold took a hold of my body. "No, no, no, no, NO!"

CRUNCH.

The pain in my body shot up unbearably. I let out a strangled gasp of agony as I seemed to have lost my footing, the ground rushing up at me. It felt as if someone brutally sucker punched me in the gut, forcing me to sag to my knees as my breath was shoved from my lungs.

At the same time, Edward erupted with a sharp cry of agony as Jacob's pain filled howl echoed throughout the clearing, my ears, and my heart.

BA-DUMP

"Augh!" I curled in on my middle as the pain racked through my body, desperately trying to pull air into my lungs. I could faintly hear callous growls as the rest of the pack angrily tore into the newborn's flesh, ripping limb from limb, resulting in his last screech before it was silenced with the flaring sound of flames angrily eating it alive. There was someone faintly calling my and Edward's name in frantic worry as I gasped on the ground. But the main thing I could hear was the echoing beating of my heart mingling with the heart breaking sound of Jacob's wheezing wines that turned into pain filled grunts as he was forced to torturously shift back into human form.

I could hear the flesh- muted popping of his bones from the feet up as he desperately tried, could practically feel the agonizing pain that with no doubt came with it. I all but screamed from the feeling, clawing at the ground in desperate confusion. My mind screamed right along as to just why I was. But the need to get to Jacob was stronger. Much, much stronger. It yanked my swaying mind into defined consciousness with no mercy.

With no choice, even if i had one, I shakily pulled my hands under myself before shoving upwards with a loud grunt. Sweat trickled down the back of my neck as hands, all cold, skittered my body. Edward's strained voice was faintly begging me to lye still, so that Carslie could help me.

My mind faintly noted that Edward was also hurt. Could he feel this pain?

Noooo...

I shook. I really wanted to lie there and amend to Edward. To turn and hurtled myself into his arms. But something inside me screamed No, that I needed to get to Jacob. I was torn on how stronger it was.

Trying to ignore the pain, I clutched my stomach and found myself shakily scrambling off the ground, pain rippling up my spine. I jerked from the impact. "Ugh!"

Hands grabbed me to steady on and hold me in place, and from the feeling that stirred in my gut, it was Edward. Even his hand was shaking.

Jasper was standing closer to him, completely tense as his eyes darted from the newborn to Edward, impressively sending calm while trying to ease the pain.

"Bel-la," Edward gritted out. "Are you alright?" It was terribly sweet that he would fight through his obvious pain to commit to my wellbeing and for the first time that day, I was feeling a flash of guilt for it. But outwardly, I ignored him as my gaze lifting to see Jacob, his body curled on the ground, blocked and surrounded by the pack – all who had transformed back to aid him. He was the one with the truly inflicted pain. It pumped a surging need to get to him through my veins.

"Jake" I rasped, trying to move Edward's hands to get to him.

"Bella, no…" his voice shook with the constant pain I knew he was experiencing with Jacob.

But seeing a glimpse of Jake, like that, because of me - pushed out any rational thought, pumping a surging need to get to him through my veins as I shoved Edward's hands away and I raced towards Jake. To where his body lye.

I could no longer hear as Edward and Alice called after me to stop. I couldn't think of how everything else seemed or what anyone thought. I needed to be with him. Tears blurred my vision as I ran faster and faster, his shuddering form seeming so far away. I damned the pain sloshing lazily throughout my body as his name ripped from my throat, my voice cracking from the emotions that welled up in my chest as I neared him.

This is my fault. My fault. All my fault.

Reaching him, my heart broke before I dropped to my knees beside him. The others made way as I loomed over his agonized face, his body writhing with the force of pain I knew he was feeling as he tried to breathe, rasping for air. More tears burned my eyes as they settled on his torso, his skin was torn and practically unnoticeable in hues of ghastly purple, nearly black. It was all dent in at an inhuman angle; the skin quivering with the force and struggle to breathe and function properly.

My hand flew to my mouth. "Oh, God Jacob!" a choked sob heaved from my chest as I gripped his larger hand as if it was his lifeline, my lifeline. To let him know that I was here.

Guilt settled bitterly in my stomach as my heart twisted with each straining groan that reached my ears. I knew I shouldn't have let him do this, I knew that just letting him go would somehow end like this, for anyone – but mainly Jacob.

Panting heavily, pain hazed eyes squinted open and found mine. I could see the apology in his eyes, his remorse, before squeezing them shut as another wave of pain rippled through his large frame. "Bel-la" he groaned through clenched teeth.

I tried to lean closer as tears spilled down my face. My chest felt like it was searing as I squeezed his hand tighter. God, this was all my fault. "I'm here, Jake." Acting on impulse, I kissed his hand before stroking his sweat-sticking black hair as I gazed down at him. "I'm here." I whimpered. God, why do I keep hurting you?

Carslie appeared at my side, his trained eyes briefly studying Jacob's body. "I can help. We need to get him to a secluded place." He peered up at Sam. "The Volturi is closing in. They don't know about your kind still existing here and even more don't approve of any alliance with any. Since they don't know its best we keep it that way." He glanced back down at Jacob. "His bones has already started to heal…" he raised his eyes to Sam again, who in turn nodded.

"We'll return back to La Push. Get him settled at his place." Sam replied with broad eyes on Carslie, wordlessly giving only him the pass card onto their land for this one time.

Carslie nodded, glancing back down at Jacob, his eyes remorseful as he took in his pain. "I'll be there as soon as possible so we can start. Once I'm finished here." He replied and stood as the rest of the pack moved in around me and Jacob. But I remained rooted in the ground beside him, my eyes unable to leave his face and my hand latched to his with no intention of letting go.

A petite cold hand gently touched my shoulder, making my body involuntarily flinch away. "Bella" Alice's bell like voice whispered out in hesitant concern. I didn't respond.

"Bella" Carslie's smooth calming voice reached my ears. "Bella, please, move away from Jacob so they…"

"No" I flat out denied. I couldn't leave him. I couldn't…

"Don't you think you caused him enough pain?"

I looked up to see Leah glaring darkly. She only looked slightly dishevel, her beautiful face settled with an angry scowl. I slowly shook my head. "N-no, I can't…" I peered back down at Jacob. "I can't leave him" I admitted shakily. Though I knew I should. I wasn't good for him. But…

"You can and you will. You're enough trouble as it is. You just aren't satisfied, are you?" she scoffed.

"Leave...me...alone." I breathed deeply, my insides cracking with each slicing word.

"Leah" Sam warned. But she paid no heed.

Her eyes narrowed. "Why torture him? Why lead him on when you're only going to run back to that leech you 'love' so much, huh!?"

My chest steadily burned as my vision flickered, my anger slowly rising, boiling. "Shut the hell up! You don't know nothing about me or him!" I snarled. I didn't care if I thought she was right, what I felt right then - in that moment - was a whole other story.

Her lips pulled back into a sneer, her eyes glinting, daring. "Oh I don't? I'm in his mind almost every day. It's because of you he's like this now. His 'precious Bella'." she spat in disgust. "He may not see it, but I do. You don't' love him. You use him." She sneered lowly.

"Leah! ENOUGH!" Sam ordered, it unwillingly snapped her lips shut. But her anger didn't waver.

But oh, I was about to dare. My anger had risen and red was beginning to rim my vision. "And what do you know about love you bitter bitch?! I care about him!" Leah's jaw worked at my insult, her eyes blazing with anger yet her body still and tightly tensed, withheld in Alpha command. Her fists curled tightly as she began to growl lowly. "And I am NOT leaving him!" I scowled, squeezing Jacob's hand tighter. I couldn't think anything else but not to leave him.

But Leah's words holds truth. If it wasn't for all of this, if it wasn't for me, Jake wouldn't be hurt right now. Tears continued to leak down my face. I felt so angry and torn. How I wished to lash out, to hit or scream at something.

"Bella, please, we have to help him. We need to take him back to La Push." A voice I recognized as Jared I think, pleaded.

I just looked at Jacob. The rational part of me, my mind, knew that I was being unreasonable and that Jacob needed to go. For his wellbeing. But another part of me, a part that hurt just to see him this way, begged me to stay and was so afraid to let go again.

"Bella" Sam's baritone demanded.

"Sam" my voice retorted back harsher than expected. It only worked to anger me that he demanded I leave him. I was no pack dog of his. I knew I had to. And I will. But my hand didn't budge.

"Twenty minutes!" Alice called. The Volturi was closing in.

Embry kneeled beside me. "Bella, I know that you're just scared and that you care for him. But we need to take him…" my eyes cut sharply to him. It made him pause. Then he blinked, frowning.

I turned my attention back to Jacob, breathing deeply. I really was being irrational, I knew that, and I needed to let him go. It's just...the way my body was responding. The ache in my chest...

I chewed my lip as I gazed at him. But my hands still remained unmoving, my body weighing twice as much at the mere thought.

Cold petite hands tried to grip my shoulders again and my hand involuntarily tightened. "Don't touch me." The words rolled coldly from my tongue before I could think to stop them. The hands quickly retreated.

I heard a growl. It was Paul. "For the spirit's sake girl – move!" Sam held an arm in front of him to silence him, then turning back to gaze at me. Waiting, with an odd glint in his eyes. It was a look I know I've seen before. But I couldn't think to dwell on it, I only immediately despised it.

"Bella" Embry spoke softly to get my attention. I slowly look to him. Pleading that he'll help me - help Jake. "Bella, look at him." He demanded. "He's in pain."

I looked down at Jake, listening to his groans of pain he tried to bite back. I had to bite my lip harder to keep more tears at bay. How selfish could I get? But I still didn't want to leave him.

"Fifteen minutes!" time was ticking…

"Please" Embry begged softly. "He'll be okay if you let us take him."

I squeezed my eyes shut and swallowed thickly, though I felt as if I was suddenly numb, I weakly nodded my head. What am I doing anyway? Look at us. I'm not good for him. This isn't even me. But I just wish… More tears fell as I grudgingly shifted as Paul, Embry, Quil, Leah, and Jared carefully tucked their hands under Jacob's writhing body and slowly lifted him up, causing him to grunt in pain, his limp hand quickly squeezing mine in a sense of desperation so not to slip away. My heart squeezed with it. He didn't want me to let go and he was making this so much harder.

I shook my head. I'm sorry Jake… I stood on shaky legs as I struggled to loosen his grip. He caught on, and with a strained grunt, released his hold, letting my hand slip from his warm fingers. His eyes fought to open before gazing into mine, taking in my tear drenched face as he tried to open his mouth to speak, trying to reassure me. I could already hear him saying "I'm okay, Bells". But nothing came out but a whoosh of air and he gave up, settling to speak with his eyes. But like always, I knew.

I choked back a sob as I gazed into his eyes. Through all the pain, I could still see his warmth, his love, I knew he reserved only for me there. It was truly amazing that it haven't crushed wholly under the painfully harsh treatment life, time, and I have put him through. Even as I gazed at him now, it flickered there, sharing place with his longing and hope. It settled a sour guilt inside. So he did take our kiss as something more. I should have known.

More tears fell. I yearned to lean into his warmth and go with him so badly. But I knew that it isn't what I should want to do. My mind thought of Edward and I felt as my chest ached openly as if a new small hole was being torn into it as I realized what I would have to do. This just wasn't right and it was more painful than I had ever estimated.

I have to let him go...

I wanted to cry as I lifted my hand to gently stroke the back of his trembling one. It would be the last, and as my eyes trailed up to meet his I just couldn't suppress it.

"I love you." the words coughed from my throat, slipping pass my lips in a voice I couldn't recognize as mine. But it was forming all of my frustration, anger, confusion, fear, and everything that beat inside of me – into three little words. The same words I vowed to never utter to him - to hurt him with. Not to that extent, because it would be a sloppy lie he would rather misunderstand, or take as a cruel joke. And though I knew that I shouldn't have said it, I felt the desperate need to. I tried to tell myself I didn't, that it was indeed sloppy and nothing he would think it was. I tried to chalk it up as just friendship. That he was like family. But I wasn't fooling anything anymore, was I? It as true as it was real:

I actally am shamefully in love with my best friend, my sun, my Jacob - and it took him to get fatally injured by a newborn to admit it.

And it will be the last thing I will ever say to him...

God, it was just so bitter. So unfair.

"Ten!" Alice's voice reminded. Reminding me why it had to be this way, what I was doing this for.

I let my hand fall from Jacob's and stood back as they lifted him onto their shoulders as carefully as they could before they quickly headed for the tree lines. It was the last time that I would see him. And God, it hurt.

I'm sorry Jake…

I turned my head away, unable to look at him anymore knowing that I wouldn't be seeing him again as I knew he hoped. The hole in my chest tore deeper with each step they took. It was all so backwards. I was pathetic.

I listened as Embry and Quil tried to soothe their best friend with words like 'It'll be alright' and 'we got you, buddy' as they faded into the woods, taking Jake back to La Push.

I breathed deeply as that feeling filled my chest again, but differently. I finally noticed it as being empty, incomplete, but much more so than the day Edward left me. The farther Jake moved away, the more it hurt. Is it possible Jacob held a larger part of my heart than even Edward now? I shook my head.

Then it's well deserving. It's best this way. He'll understand one day, when he imprint. He'll find someone he deserved and realize that I was far too broken and destroyed to be fixed. He'll realize I wasn't his natural path... The thought brought a physical pain to my chest and I smiled ruefully.

Gentle arms wrapped around me with tender care, bringing forth a familiar sense of softness despite the icy skin. Even if I did feel out of place, I allowed my head to bury into Esme's motherly embrace as more tears wrecked havoc on my cheeks. Even if it didn't bring me a sense of security or comfort, I could still feel the motherly love that almost made it feel warm.

"Are you alright, sweetheart?" her voice, always warm and caring – melodic – was missing something too. Just like the rest.

I wanted to tell her no. That I was somehow in love with my best friend. I was engaged to her eldest son. I was worried sick if Jacob will be okay, guilty because he was like this because of me, and in pain and bleeding because I cared for him so much that even distance would bring me pain and that I was cutting him out of my life – for the sake of us both.

I was angry because of what I was feeling and confused as to why I felt so out of place with them – with Edward. The questions were like whips lashing out: Did I not love him anymore, that quickly? Did I ever love him to begin with?

I was battled and exhausted from today's events. I was the cause of a loss of a friend's life, the cause of pain no matter how hard I try. I was a heap of a broken mess. But I didn't want to tell her this, I was enough trouble as it was.

I really should not have grown a bond with her. I wish she never met me, never knew anything of me...

I pulled back and tried to smile at Esme. To tell her that I will be fine. But no matter what I felt, as I met her soft and concerned gaze, I couldn't bring myself to lie about it. Esme would always seem like a mother to me - and see right through it.

I sighed and shook my head. "No, Esme, I'm not." I confessed. But it was packed full with so many different meanings.

Esme's eyes flickered with understanding and sympathy as she brought a hand up to brush my hair behind my ear before opening her mouth to reply.

"They're coming!" Alice called out. The Volturi were here.

Esme's face instantly smoothed out, emotionless as everything blurred and I was suddenly standing behind Edward. The rest of the family formed a shield around me while Carslie stood in his respectable position up front. Esme stood slightly behind him. I grabbed Edward's hand in a silent sense of desperation and squeezed as hard as I dared, stomping down the negative effect I vowed to get over. I was here with him.

The responding feeling of his icy fingers curling gently around mine brought tears to my eyes as I closed them and smiled, the pain welcoming as I ignored it and tucked into his side, labeling relief.

Opening my eyes again, my eyes automatically traced to the newborn I noticed earlier, sitting crouched on the ground a little ways off. She glared at me, her raven hair surrounding her round pale face and large darkening eyes of ruby in waves that stopped a little past her shoulders. Her hands were fisted into the ground below her as she eyed me with obvious thirst, but she didn't move.

It was then that I noted that she couldn't. Jasper's body was turned slightly to her, his eyes focused intently on her form in concentration as he stood, ready to counter any attack if she made so much as a flinch towards me. He did, after all, know newborns best out of anyone known to vampire. Or just anyone for that matter.

"They're here" Edward announced softly. It was to me, obviously. But everyone heard, including the newborn who snapped her head up, fear easily detected in her eyes as four figures shrouded in black cloaks leisurely entered the opening, seeming to float across the ground as they neared us.

They stopped a few feet from the smoking ashes of the problem that they supposedly came to take care of, pulling the dark hoods from their heads to reveal their perfect pale faces and gleaming red eyes. The way they regarded the remains with a sense of aloof gave me the sickening feeling that they had more to do with this than they let on. It wasn't much of a stretch. The way the newborn trembled in fear at their presence only helped to seal it into a fact.

It was a mission failed. The displeasure shown in their eyes and air surrounding them.

Their attention turned to us and I lowered my head, the steel of their eyes driving mine away as my stomach bleed with a trickling sense of scorched blood, spreading with a numbing sense throughout my veins. It was a bit nauseous. My body was tense, my hairs on the back of my neck standing on end as my body urged to shy away. My lips had pulled down into a frown, but I remained placed.

I didn't dare look up as they conversed with Carlisle, my knuckles stretched white at my sides as I tried not to seem anymore pathetic than I knew I looked. Though, when their attention switched to me, my eyes responsively lifted to meet large crimson eyes that held an age far beyond her appearance and a void indifference about them that made them seem cold and lethal.

It wasn't something I hoped to never have the pleasure of seeing again. With her round and youthful face, small petite structure, and glossy golden hair that was braided and twisted back into an innocent bun - you would assume she was a mere child. But I knew for a fact that she was one of the oldest vampires to ever walk this earth. It's shown in her eyes and the way she spoke and regarded, as if she's seen it done a million times and was bored of it. She was no different from the last time that I had seen her in Rome: a favored puppet simply doing as told.

And she was here for Aro, her eyes and thoughts a substitute for his as she regarded me.

Taking one glance over, her eyes narrowed slightly, her face remaining blank but her eyes showing her disdain. "I see that the girl still human." Her voice was leisurely light and soft, but they sent a chill down your spine. Her eyes turned back to Carlisle. "Aro would like to be noted of this." It was almost as if she was smiling tauntingly, knowing that the head of the Voltulry would not like the news she would deliver of me still being human, meaning that the Cullens had broken a great rule and their promise.

It would mean immediate death, for us all.

And she enjoyed the thought.

"The date is set." Alice nearly hissed in defiance. Her eyes were slightly narrowed, but otherwise, her posture was straight and still. Her face void of the slightest emotion.

I, on the other hand, felt as if I was being strangled by the throat. The Volturi expected me to become vampire. It was either that, or death – or worse, the Cullen's death. And, of course, I knew this. But for some reason, now I...

I brought a hand up to my throbbing temple. Maybe a day ago, I wouldn't have had a problem with this issue. In fact, I would have happily obliged. But now, did I still want to change? To give up my humanity, to become the something completely unknown – a vampire – like the Cullens?

Like Angela..?

The sudden ache in my chest brought Jacob back to mind. A boy – no, man – that I just acknowledged to be painfully and wrongly in love with. I glanced up to Edward, the man who I didn't even know if I loved anymore or if I truly did to begin with.

Was Jacob right all of this time? Confusion settled like a hazed blanket over my mind and I shook my head to clear it. The thought only working on building irritation. No, he wasn't. I loved Edward. I knew that I did. But was it enough? Did it even matter anymore?

Jacob was my sun. Edward, my moon. They were my air and my drug, hot and cold, desire and want. So who did I choose?

Alive or dead?

I internally shied away at the thought, my heart constricting in my chest. It didn't matter anymore, did it? Because it was no longer a choice. No, it was never a choice, never. I forcefully corrected.

A piercing scream tore through the air as one of the Volturi members - Alec, I remember - ripped the last newborn apart. He carelessly tossed the limbs and head into the dying fire, making it explode in a blaze before settling some just as quickly, its flames dancing as the poor girl burned into ashes.

I watched as the flames ate away her once perfect skin and flesh, the sight souring my stomach as I turned my head away, Edward tucking it into his arm. She didn't have a choice. Just like I don't have a choice.

Emmett placed a large hand on my shoulder in a way to comfort me while still gazing ahead at the Volturi, they didn't move until there was nothing left but ashes. Then, turned to leave.

I pulled away from Edward to gaze at what was left of the newborn, finding nothing but a large pile of ash from multiple newborns throughout the battle and then some. It all appeared the same: dark ash of billowing smoke. Multiple lives gone.

And to what expense? Did I want to toss aside everyone else's feelings, everything that I am, to become a vampire and disappear? To become a shell of who I was, like Angela?

And she doesn't even remember her name…

I knew this was going to be a reoccurring thought. And though I knew it wasn't something I should keep my mind on, I also knew it will always live in the back of my mind. Forever, perhaps.

I looked back to Edward, then to the rest of the Cullens, all like a perfect second family to me. And they always will be. But I couldn't help but question it all now. Did I really belong? Did I deserve to?

No. I don't think I really belong anywhere. But I now knew one thing…

I turned from the Cullens to watch as the Volturi members neared the edge of the clearing, their cloaks the last thing I caught before they suddenly vanished in a blur, going home.

My eyes drifted back down to the dying embers of the fire.

I know that I don't want to become a vampire. I don't...but I also have no choice.

A moment passed before the Cullens relaxed all turning to gage the other for what to do next.

Kissing Esme's pale cheek, Carslie was gone in a flash. Heading for La Push, as his given word.

Jasper turned to Edward. "You should take Bell 'ere on home. She's suffered a lot, she needs rest." He eyed me, and I knew he could feel everything I was feeling. And what I shouldn't be. I could only hope he kept as much from Edward.

I watched as he silently agreed, his eyes flickering to show that he understood.

I sighed, not really sure of how he was going to do that, but thankful anyway. "Thanks Jasper, for everything." I whispered sincerely, my voice now raw and edging on strings from today's events.

He nodded as Alice's form appeared beside his, wrapping her tiny arms around him as she breathed in his scent. For comfort that he was fine, I suppose. He returned the gesture.

I turned from the sight of their contentment, my heart settling heavily as my eyes trailed back to the ring of ashes...

Edward had nodded at Jasper's advice as Alice then appeared at my side. She peered into my face, pulling my attention from the remains. "Bella? Sweetie are you alright?" she asked softly, her eyes gaging my reaction. "Do you…want to see Jacob before you go home?"

I slowly studied her face, only seeing her concern if not a little unsure. But nothing was really the same. I turned away and shook my head, rejecting the offer with a heavy heart. I just needed time. Time to sort myself out, hopefully to get back into my previous mind. It's just Jacob...he left me so...out of tune, shaken. I wasn't thinking properly. "No, I'm ready to go home." I clipped before turning to Edward. "I miss Charlie" it wasn't a full lie.

But Edward saw that I also needed to be alone. At least, I hoped that was the reason. He nodded. "Emmett will take you home." He agreed, his voice distant.

I nodded. "So I'll…see you?" I questioned hesitantly. He wasn't a fool, he knew what I was really asking.

His lips lifted from the corner of his mouth, but his eyes didn't change from that ancient sadness I've seen before, up on the mountain. How I hated it. "Until you send me away." He replied softly, his words were caressing and almost lulling; but like daggers. Again, he was too forgiving.

My lips thinned as I gazed at him, an angel of perfection, before nodding and turning away. I didn't deserve him or Jacob.

My heart throbbed. Especially Jacob.

"I need help..." I sighed darkly.

Emmett suddenly lifted me into his arms, knocking me smoothly off my feet before cradling me gently. "I'm on it! Like lifting a sack of air." He teased. "Say g'night, Bells." he singed.

I only buried my head into his chest, not really seeing reason since Edward was already gone. I bit back a groan. We were in for another talking session and I was going to make him see that I was still going to fight - even if it killed me. But with Alice, Jasper, Esme, and even Rosalie still there, I optioned not to be rude and to humor Emmett. "Goodnight everyone. Thank you." I murmured honestly. They really were good people. A great family.

"Don't mention it, sweetheart. You're family." Esme's gentle voice replied.

A weak smile bloomed from sadness on my face and I loved Esme a little more. Some people were really too accepting in this world.

Emmett's deep chuckle rumbled through his chest as if I told a funny joke. "Really Bells, like we would allow you to get hurt." he snorted before he turned and took off, to his car I'm guessing. I hummed in reply, his humor missing me entirely as that sense of emptiness slowly grew, feeling more out of place by the second.

I closed my eyes as the air rushed past my cheeks, no longer feeling the same as before.

But as long as Edward will want me. I will stay.

I could feel the fingers of sleep pulling on the edges of my mind, and oh how I wanted to comply. But one more question swam in the haze of my mind and I figured to get it out now than later.

"Ey, mm-ett?" the words tumbled out messy and weakly.

"Yea, Bells?" his deep voice rumbled through his chest.

"Wha'll happen to...to Jake?"

Emmett didn't reply right away. "Carlisle will have to re-break the bones that for no doubt had already began to heal wrong. So he will be able to place them back in the right place..."

An image pushed into my mind and I felt nausea creep up as well, my mind quickening its pace to haze out of focus.

"Of course" I mumbled as darkness overtook me.

And THAT, my fellow readers, was chapter nine. Hate me yet? No? Well get ready to because the next chapter is going to be less prettier than this one. But all is needed for tis story to make sense so bear with me, kay? Any questions and concerns will be acknowledged and let me know what you think!

Till next time my little pups and newborns! (To my newborns: sorry a lot of your kind had to die. Hope not to offend. All is not bad, lol)

~Lilmama

and again, sorry for the long awaited update.