Izzie had once proclaimed to Cristina and their other friends that surgery was just a job, it was a thing you come home from, not the thing you come home to, and if you lose your job, you get another one, because theres always another one, but if you lose your love, then you've lost it all, cos that couldn't be replaced. Cristina always rationalized that she would put her career before any man or relationship, because her career would never wake up one day and tell her it didn't love her anymore, it would always be there for her no matter what. It didn't consist of any drama, breakups or makeups, there was no tension, she didn't have to worry about her career loving someone else, or leaving her or cheating on her. Her passion, surgery, didn't care if she never was gonna be a mother, it actually preferred it, it wouldn't have to fight for her attention. Her career didn't mind that she was messy, or didn't know how to cook, it didn't care that she was insensitive or complicated, she was a challenging person, and it thrived off of her uniqueness and unpredictability.

As the months dragged on, she had to keep reminding herself these things, so the more she started to question the decisions she had made, the more she threw herself into being the best damn surgeon she could be, that way she didn't have time to think, just act. She spent most her time inside the hospital, and what little she got to experience of Boston was usually done at a nearby bar, and involved a lot of tequila. It was nostalgic and depressing at the same time, being in such a similar environment as Joe's bar, though it was similar, it definitely wasn't the same. She didn't have any close friends except for Harper Avery himself who had become a mentor and a bit of a father figure, and since there was a huge female to male ratio difference in this hospital, the few women who were employed, either were too intimidated by her or were jealous of the fact that the males were all mesmerized by her. Cristina knew better though, she didn't want another fiasco like she had in Mayo with Dr. Parker, she wanted to be able to look herself in the mirror without disgust. This opted her to take a vow of celibacy and promise herself not to get involved with anyone at the hospital.

She tried as hard as she could to not think of the life she left behind in Seattle, it was just too painful to sulk in the memories that continued to haunt her. The only times when she would let her mind wander and wonder was when she would come home after a grueling day, it was usually after she lost a patient, recently, though, she noticed that her bedside manner improved, she found herself making connections with patients that blurred the lines between professional and personal, she made attempts to sympathize, to listen and to empathize, things that were so out of her character. She had also become a teacher, and an amazing teacher at that, she made sure that she was still the hard-core surgeon that could make an intern squirm or run and hide under a desk with just a look or a "one liner", but she made sure that everyday she taught and rewarded her students who showed her passion and desire to be amazing, to be the best they could possibly be. People had her respect before she even started to work at Mass Gen., her reputation spoke for itself, but with her continued devotion and dedication to her craft, it was clear that she was paving the way for bigger and brighter opportunities. Dr. Avery even hinted to her that he saw her taking over his hospital when he retired.

One of her patients had really gotten to her, she kept coming in and out of the ER with drug overdoses and injuries sustained by her johns. She had formed an unorthodox relationship with Leah, she felt her pain and understood her struggle, just trying to get by day to day. This woman wanted to die, she had lost her will to live, she had no regard for her life or future. She also had nobody to love, and certainly nobody loved her, but there was just something about her that tripped Cristina's savior complex into action unintentionally. She just couldn't walk away from her, she used to be so cold, cut and dry, but now she found herself being a doctor and a therapist, well maybe not therapist, mentor sounded more like it. At 26 this woman had been through more pain and sorrow then people face in a lifetime, she wanted to give up so bad, she kept poisoning her body and hoping to die, but Cristina would never let her. Then she found out that she was pregnant, she was a pregnant prostitute who was addicted to cocaine and had a serious life threatening heart condition. She found out too late, couldn't get an abortion and was forced to carry out her pregnancy, she told Cristina that she would give up the baby, probably leave it at the hospital after it was born, she couldn't take care of herself let alone a baby, a baby that could possibly be addicted to drugs upon being born. Leah had also taken a liking to Cristina, she would joke that she purposely would overdose she she could spend some time with Dr. Yang and have some of their "heart to heart" conversations. For the fist time in months Cristina found herself lifting barriers and allowing herself to talk to someone freely, it felt good even though it was done under tragic circumstances.

Day 200

"So why did you get a divorce?"
"Ahhhh, complicated, lets just say we wanted different things."
"Like what?"
"I got an abortion, and then he cheated to get back at me, and then we reconciled but I broke things off again because I realized that I wasn't enough for him, he wanted to be a dad, and I loved him enough to let him go and realize his dream."
"You must of not loved him enough…."
"Excuse me?"
"Well, I mean, if he was the love of your life then you would of been able to put his dreams ahead of your own, right?"
"And lose myself in order to make him happy?"
"You wouldn't of been losing anything, you would of been gaining a baby, not to mention he would of been thanking you everyday for making his dream of being a father come true."
"But I didn't want a baby, I didn't want to be a mother."
"You didn't?, as in past tense? or you still don't?"

Tonight was one of those nights, lonely and depressing. She was sure she was drunk because she was thinking about him, and she never thought about him unless she was under the influence. It was too painful and unfair for her to live in the past or think about, should-a,could,woulda's. But tonight was a hard night, and in these instances ghosts of the past always seemed to resurface. She didn't have Meredith to confide in or inform of anything going on in her life, and that sucked because Meredith knew her like no-one else, she could be bluntly honest and even inhumane, but Meredith would get her, understand her, and relate to her. Nobody else could replicate that kind of connection, even when Cristina acted so emotionally stunted and cold, Meredith saw the little spark of humanity emit from her pores.

Cristina was just about to order another drink when of course her pager went off. It always did so at the perfect timing. She was pretty intoxicated so she would have to let whomever paged her know that she could not practice medicine in this state. She got up, paid for her drink and left a tip, then continued to walk towards the exit and a block to the hospital.

She made her way to the Chiefs office wondering why he had paged her 911, she wasn't on call tonight and she had left her patients in the hands of her fifth year resident. She found Dr. Avery in his office with a man in a suit and a police officer, strange, she thought.

"Hey, I'm sorry, I wasn't on call tonight so I'm intoxicated and I'm pretty sure you don't want me examining patients or operating on them." Cristina said trying not to sound too inebriated since there was a cop in the room. The Chief was having a hard time looking Cristina in the eye. She looked at the Chiefs face and noted his somber expression, he looked uncomfortable and uneasy and Cristina's mind tried to frantically think of what could be wrong, had she done something to merit a phone call to a lawyer and a cop? She thought.

"Cristina, you remember Leah, the patient that you treated multiple times with cardiomyopathy?"
"Yes." Cristina stated in a ragged breath. Why did he drag her here to talk about a patient?
"She came in again tonight." He started while taking a deep breath, "We did everything we could…."
"No, don't tell me she died, please don't tell me she's dead." She interjected as tears threatened to fall from her face as she lost the ability to think clearly, think like a doctor, she was thinking and acting like a family member. Her voice was hoarse and cracking.
"Why didn't anyone call me?" She practically screamed.
"You were't on call, and I was here, I promise I did everything in my power to keep her alive, but she was too far gone."
The chief closed his eyes and took a deep ragged breath before handing her a piece of paper. She scanned the contents but didn't understand what it was.
"I don't know what this is?" She stated raising her eyebrows ad crinkling her forehead.
"We couldn't save her, but we were able to perform an emergency C-section, the baby survived, its a girl, she's in the nicu, its a miracle but she's alive and she is not addicted to cocaine. "
Cristina let out a breath she didn't know she was holding as relief flooded from her chest.
"Wait…., theres more." The man in the suit chimed in.
"I'm Leah's state appointed attorney and that letter your holding is a document stating that Leah signed over her parental rights of her baby to you."
Cristina's heart stopped, what was this man talking about? How could she do that? was it even legal? Why would Leah leave her child in the care of someone she barely knew?
The lawyer could see the shock and confusion clearly written on her face so he began to explain to her the semantics of the situation.
"Leah also wrote a will and a letter that she instructed to give to you, she wants you to read it when you go up to see your baby and have her in your arms for the first time."

Cristina quickly grabbed the folder out of his hand and left the room, running to the fifth floor to the neonatal department as fast as she could.