Cristina was exhausted, she hadn't had a wink of sleep for at least 48 hours now, the past few days had been so hectic and busy that she was mentally and physically strained, she felt like she was intoxicated, and she was finding it difficult to think or act in a normal way. The trip from Boston to Seattle and not being able to stop at Alex's to settle in or take a breather was hard enough but then to come straight from the airport to the hospital had sent her over the edge especially since she had a second person to worry about nowadays.
Brady was stable but needed to be monitored constantly, he was a fighter but was overworking his body and heart, he rushed into the game before he was ready to do so, the strenuous physical activities that he was performing during practice and a poor diet had caused his progress to slow down, Cristina needed to make sure that he rested enough and was in tip top shape before he attempted to take up baseball again, she had warned him countless times to give his body time to heal and recuperate but he mistakingly took his good fortune and recovery for granted and now he was back in the state at which he started.
She left his hospital room with the coach, he had insisted he buy her dinner or at least a drink, she asked for a rain check since she was too tired to be bothered with small talk, and had to check on Teagan and Minka. She was making her way around the hospital when she noticed Owen on his iPad at the nurses station and her heart sunk when she realized who the women he was talking to was.
Emma looked lovingly into his eyes and she had her hand on his forearm, lightly massaging it up and down his arm. He smiled at her and Cristina instantly felt the wind knocked right out of her. Even though Alex said that Owen and Emma were on a break, it was clear to Cristina that Emma still wanted Owen and Owen seemed to lie the attention that Emma gave him, this is precisely precisely the reason Cristina left, she couldn't handle seeing him with someone else other than her, and now she was forced to take in the sight of him and another women again, and she was back to share one, feeling as incomplete as ever. She saw him turn and look at her straight in the eyes, she panicked and turned away as quickly as she could.
"Have you eaten dinner yet?" Emma asked as she approached Owen and placed a chart onto the counter by the nurses station and began aimlessly filling it out.
Owen was fidgeting with his iPad, well actually he was googling Cristina's name, he had basically stalked her the first couple of months she left Seattle through the internet but he had stopped when he realized that it was becoming severely stalker-ish and that it hindered his ability to concentrate on work and move on. But here he was again, trying to find out what he had missed the past nine months. Emma's voice made him jump up in surprise, and he tried to quickly exit out of the google search engine that was displayed on the screen, he had hoped that Emma didn't see anything.
She let out a sigh and gave him a clearly frustrated look, "Dinner, it comes after breakfast and lunch, for god's sake Owen, Why are you searching Cristina Yang," Owen flinched, guess he wasn't quick enough. "its been a year, I know when she left that you told me you had to break up with me because you still loved her, but she's gone, and she's not coming back, and I know I should have more self-respect and pride for myself because you basically chose her over me, but I care about you, and this is crazy, you need to move on." She exclaimed, "She's gone."
He looked at Emma and wished that he would of never led her on or embarked on a relationship with her, well, if he was wishing for things then he wished that he would of been able to move on and find happiness with Emma, life would of been so simple and uncomplicated, but then again, one of the characteristics he adored and loved most about Cristina was that she was a challenging person and gave him a run for his money, there was never a dull moment, just passion, and that was absent from his relationship with Emma.
He cleared his throat and averted his eyes, "She was gone, but now she's back, she's the doctor they called in from Boston for the VIP patient." He stated
Emma scoffed and let out a sarcastic laugh, "Of course she is," She stated, "And what now Owen?, so your gonna go and try to win her back, make her wanna stay in Seattle?" She tried hard to keep her composure but she was fighting back tears and the urge to make a scene.
"Emma, I never meant to hurt you, you have to believe me," His eyes pleaded with hers, "I also never meant to lie to you, but I not only lied to you, but I tried to lie to myself, I wanted to move on so bad that I convinced myself that I was over her, but I wasn't, and when she decided to leave, everything came tumbling down on me like a ton of bricks, all those feeling I tried to push away came right back to the surface and I wanted nothing more then to stop her from leaving. You are a wonderful women, and I wish that you could be enough for me, I really do, but I can't be with you knowing that I could never put you first, because if we got married and even had a kid, if Cristina came back into my life and asked to be with me, I would leave you in a heart beat, because she's it for me, and thats not fair to you, you deserve better, you deserve a man who won't spend his whole life pining over another woman," He took in a deep breath a looked away momentarily before making eye contact again, "And I deserve Cristina."
Emma was trying to register his words and held back tears as the realization hit her, she would never be enough for Owen, she might have all the qualities that any man could ask for, but with all the she had to offer, the one thing she could never be was Cristina, and thats who Owen wanted, and she had to accept it because she believed she deserved better as well. She didn't want to be someones second choice, or the safe bet, she wanted to mean everything to someone and be at the top of their list, not because of convenience or what was easy, but because it was right and unmistakable. Cristina and Owen would of still been together if Cristina hadn't initiated the break-up, she should of known right then and there that this was a lost cause.
She took her hand and rested it on his forearm and gave it a reassuring squeeze, "Your right, I deserve someone who loves me like you love her, I just wish I didn't fall so hard for you, but nonetheless I hope you find your happiness Owen."
He gave her a faint smile, "No hard feelings?" He asked
She lightly shook her head and brushed her hand up and down his arm in reassurance, "No hard feelings, I wish you only the best." He nodded at her and gave her one last smile before he got ready to walk away and find Cristina.
Owen turned his head slightly and he sensed her presence instantly, he was about to open his mouth to say something but Cristina broke eye contact and hurriedly tuned away and walked in another direction.
God dammit, he thought, as he realized how the interaction between Emma and him could of been viewed as intimate, which is exactly how he imagined Cristina taking it as.
He searched for her everywhere but couldn't find where she had escaped to for the life of him, he was running out of places to look when he realized that he hadn't checked the boiler room, the infamous vent, their secret place, he really doubted that he would find her there, the sentimental value of that location was probably lost to her, but he found refuge there quite often, even with Cristina'a absence, spending time in there not only cleared his head but also made him feel closer to her.
Lo and behold, as soon as he opened the doors he was greeted with the vision of Cristina standing right over the vent as a huge gush of wind sent her wild curls flying everywhere. She tried unsuccessfully to tame her mane, while her eyes were closed tightly shut.
He took a few steps in and waited for her eyes to open and her to notice his presence. After a few moments she jolted up in surprise and turned her head away from him.
"What are you doing here?, shouldn't you be going on a dinner date with your girlfriend or something?" She asked, her tone neutral and dry, with no resemblance of emotion.
"She's not my girlfriend Cristina, we broke up the day you decided to leave Seattle." He stated as he moved closer to her, until he stood in front of her, waiting for another gush of wind to blast through the vent.
"I'm sure you two made up afterwards, it couldn't of left you off in a bad place, me leaving the equation probably made life a lot less complicated for the two of you."
He scoffed at her, "Yeah, you leaving made my life so much better." He stated in a bitter voice.
"I bet it did, so you and emma?" She asked, "Still going strong I see, I guess my absence left you and her in a good place.'
His anger and frustration with her was growing by the minute, why couldn't she see what everyone else saw, why couldn't she realize that he regretted letting her go, that he regretted listening to her when she asked him to move on.
"Where do you think that left me and Emma?, are you bullshitting me Cristina, I did everything but fly myself out to Boston and beg you to come home, did you even listen to any of my voicemails?", His voice cracked and his jaw tightened in an attempt to keep from completely losing control of his emotions. "I laid my life out for you, I was willing to give everything I had to you, I told you that you were enough, that I would be happy with just you, I was in another goddamn relationship and I still chose you at the drop of a hat, I didn't even think twice about it, and I didn't even care if I hurt Emma, because I didn't want to lose you and I didn't think I could live without you." He finished as he ran his hands through his hair and began pacing from side to side. His face was pained and he struggled to find his wording through the rage that was tipping to the surface each second that passed by.
"But here I'am" He extended both his arms and motioned them across his body, "Here I'am, and I'm breathing, and I'm working, and I get by, day by day, I get by." He stopped just short of a couple inches from where she stood.
Cristina looked at him intensely and tried to make sense of the words spilling from his mouth. She hadn't seen him this riled up since the time he had shouted to her that she had killed his baby. His eyes spoke volumes to her, more so than any combination of words, she could read him like a book, still, after all the pain and anguish they caused one another in the past, they still couldn't let go of the unmistakable bond they shared that wouldn't decimate, not with time nor with struggle.
It was so hard for her to concentrate on what he was saying when he was occupying her personal space. She could feel his breath tickle her lips and it sent a shiver up her spine which in turn clouded her judgment.
"The only problem is that I only get by, I'm physically here, but I'm not living anymore, I'm just existing, and thats how I know that you were the one, that your still the one, because I haven't felt alive since the day you walked out of my life." His rage infested voice had simmered down to a whisper, his breathing ragged and his eyes pleading with her to see him. To feel the emotions running through his body and mirror them in her own eyes, to let him know that they weren't a lost cause and that they belonged together, right or wrong, even if they did want different things, when two people have a connection this deep, they do whatever it takes to make it work because giving up isn't an option. He pleaded with her not to lose sight of whats real, and searched for a glimmer of hope within her own eyes that would let him know that she still loved him.
Cristina didn't realize she was holding her breath until she tried to formulate words, "So…, what happened between you two after I left?" God, she hated herself for caring, and couldn't even look him in the eyes for fear of what he might see reflecting back at him. So she stood there uncomfortably and looking away from him.
"She told me not to break her heart…when we first started dating, and the next thing I knew I was running across town to stop you from boarding that plane, and she never once crossed my mind, I had forgotten that she even existed let alone that I was dating her, I was acting on impulse and fear alone." Owen took his hand and lightly traced her jawline before turning her head to face him, forcing her to look deep into his eyes.
"I thought that time would make me move on, I wanted nothing more then to leave the past in the past and find someone to build a future with, but all it takes is one visit from you and I'm right back where I started and those feelings that I tried so hard to push away, they're already at the surface," He paused for a minute and looked away trying to hold back the emotion that was evident in his voice. He wanted to put into words and make her understand the magnitude of his love for her but somehow words couldn't articulate what he was feeling.
"All it took was to hear your voice again, the sheer joy that it brought me, its pathetic actually, I'm pathetic, I should be able to act like a typical guy and push feeling aside, I tried so hard and it felt like it was working, until you left, and a huge part of me died that day."
He felt emotionally drained, the past year had been a blur to him, it was a cross between heaven and hell, like he resided in purgatory, and that was worse, not knowing where his future laid, not knowing what was to come, he had gotten so good at lying to himself and trying to envision a future with Emma, that it actually might have been feasible if Cristina hadn't dropped the bombshell that she was leaving, forever. In that moment something slapped him in the face and brought him back to reality, and the feeling that ensued knowing she was gone and he was too late to stop it, that ruined him, and ruined his chances of happiness with anyone else, it reaffirmed his previous statements, Cristina was the love of his life and he would never, ever love another women to the magnitude that he loved her, so how could he expect someone to settle being second best in his heart?
He growled in agitation as his pager went off, "Please, just meet me halfway, I'm begging you Cristina." He said before he was forced to leave, a slow smile crept on her face, "This feels like deja vu," She called out, and waited for him to form the recollection, he smirked at her and before leaving, he repeated the words she had once spoken to him, "Can you still not breath without me Cristina Yang?" He asked with raised eye brows and a hopeful grin but didn't wait for a response.