Chapter Ten – Loyalties:
Astoria arrived in the library on Saturday morning to find that Daphne was already there, in their usual isle, back pressed up against the bookshelf and newspaper spread across her knees.
"Hello," said Daphne, looking up as Astoria stepped into the aisle.
"Hi, Daphne," said Astoria, taking her seat beside Daphne and wondering what had brought her sister so early to the library.
"How was your week?" said Daphne.
"Fine," she said with a shrug. "Professor McGonagall saddled us with tons of homework. Snape got angry at us all after Mark accidently spilt potion all over Snape's boots –"
"Professor Snape," Daphne snapped. "I've told you before; you have to treat him with respect."
"Oh," said Astoria, too taken aback at Daphne's sudden mood change to get angry. "Sure…yeah. Sorry."
Daphne sighed. "No – it's alright. I'm…sorry. I know he can be difficult. Sometimes I don't even…." Daphne stopped, evidently thinking better of what she'd been about to slip.
Astoria snatched a Witch Weekly off the shelf and flicked through the pages at random. Daphne silently ruffled the pages of her Prophet.
"How was your week?" said Astoria carefully.
"Fine," said Daphne. She paused and tacked on as if she was reluctant to fall back into silence, "The professors are all making a fuss about O.W.L.s, even though we've still got more than a year."
"Really?" said Astoria, also feeling curiously wary of allowing the conversation to lapse. "That's irritating."
"…Yeah," said Daphne.
"What did you think of the First Task?" said Astoria abruptly.
"It was quite exciting, I thought," said Daphne. "But, I thought it cheap that Potter was allowed a broomstick when the others weren't."
"So did I," said Astoria. "Potter was some flyer, though. I had no idea he was so good."
Daphne shrugged, "Anyone can pull off cheap tricks like that when they're in the spotlight. Draco's always more than matched him on the Quidditch pitch."
Silence came again. Astoria began to read an article about the shoddy doings of Celestina Warbeck and one of her many ex-husbands, starting in the middle. She wondered about this curious friction that seemed to have cropped up between she and Daphne – everything seemed to have been going so well….
"Tori?" said Daphne.
"Yeah?"
"Tori, I – have something I need to talk to you about. Something serious."
Astoria looked up from the magazine and met Daphne's dark, earnest eyes.
"Yeah?"
Daphne cleared her throat and looked away, folding the newspaper across her lap and tucking it back onto the shelf. "I don't know if you've noticed," she started. "Or hear anything but – there have been some rumors going around…." Daphne hesitated.
"Yes?" prompted Astoria.
"Well," continued Daphne, "you know about the World Cup?"
Astoria felt a shiver run up her spine. She had not been expecting that. She didn't want to hear any more about the World Cup. "Yes," said Astoria quickly, "but that was just a riot. Some people had too much to drink –"
"Yes," said Daphne with obvious unease, she shifted on the floor, twisting her legs across each other. "But that – wasn't quite all there was to it. I'm in Slytherin, Tori, so I hear people talking. Things you wouldn't be up against because you're in Ravenclaw – don't get angry. It's just the way it is." Astoria snapped shut her mouth and Daphne continued, "Anyway, I've heard some things. It sound like – like maybe it didn't go quite as planned at the World Cup –"
"That was planned?" said Astoria. Her stomach lurched. She was seized by a sudden, pulsing desire to stand up and walk away, to tell Daphne not to say anything more, Astoria didn't want to hear it.
She told herself she was being silly.
"Some of it, maybe," said Daphne uncomfortably. "I mean, not really planned. More like it – sort of just fell together. Listen, Astoria, you have to promise not to tell anyone else about this."
"Yeah, sure," said Astoria. Her voice came out in a squeak. She cleared her throat. "I promise."
"What happened at the World Cup, I mean the last part. That – definitely wasn't planned. You know…the Dark Mark is never to be taken lightly. That was – really serious. It wasn't supposed to happen."
"But, Daphne," said Astoria before she could stop herself. Whispering, "If this really was planned then they were Death Eaters, weren't they? At least people who had once been…. But isn't the Dark Mark their sign?"
"Yes," said Daphne slowly, reluctantly, as if her voice had crept marginally past the bars of her teeth. ""But they – I don't think it was supposed to happen like that. What I mean to say is – someone else – wanted a message to be taken. Not just to the bloodtraitors but to the Death Eaters, too. It…means something, Tori."
"What?" said Astoria. "What does it mean?"
Daphne pushed passed Astoria, continuing as if she spoke to herself. "There are other things, too. Things I've heard the older students talk about – things in the Prophet. I've learned a lot from reading these papers with you, Tori, and I've noticed some parallels…."
"What do you mean?" said Astoria insistently, hearing the plea in her own voice. She felt a shiver of misgiving at what Daphne was saying, the tone of her voice she used to say it. Astoria couldn't put her finger on why, but she was suddenly afraid.
"It's just –" Daphne struggled for a minute to find the right words. Finally she said, "You know what side we're on, right, Tori?"
Astoria looked into Daphne's eyes, dark and serious and searching. Astoria tried hastily to decide how she should answer.
"Well…yes," she said finally. "Of course. I'm on – your side. Yours and Mum's. And the Ministry, I guess. I'm on the Ministry's side."
Daphne paused and looked at Astoria. Her eyes were deep. There seemed to be something hiding behind her irises, something that spoke – that made Astoria want to look away, to crawl into a corner and hug her knees to her chest.
"Mum supports Lucius Malfoy," said Daphne. Her words hung on the air, on the dust disturbed by their searching. Astoria listened to them rebounding inside her skull and realized she didn't quite know what Daphne meant.
"What side is Lucius Malfoy on?" As soon as Astoria heard the words slip out of her lips she knew it was a mistake. It wasn't any of her business. Lucius Malfoy was not a man to question. He had…connections.
Daphne looked away. Her mouth opened and for a moment paused, as if teetering on which answer she should give Astoria. "Not on Dumbledore's," she said finally.
"He's never been on Dumbledore's," said Astoria, resisting the urge to say I knew that. "Mum's never been on Dumbledore's side either. She's always opposed what he's doing at Hogwarts –"
"I know," said Daphne sharply. She paused, taking a deep breath. Astoria waited. "But…I don't know what side the Ministry is on." She spoke quietly, as if she was afraid the books might eavesdrop.
"You mean…" said Astoria.
"I mean," Daphne intercut, "that Fudge is in Dumbledore's pocket. If ever there should be a…reason for people to pick sides, I don't know on which side the Ministry would choose. But Mum – Mum has always supported Lucius Malfoy and I think she will continue to do so. Even if…."
"Even if Lucius Malfoy doesn't support the Ministry?" Astoria's voice came out in a hiss. The full impact of what Daphne was saying finally hit her. Astoria felt her stomach wrench. Her mother – their mother – not support the Ministry? The thought was astronomical, almost ridiculous…yet, the way that Daphne said it was so convincing.
"But this is all theoretical, right?" said Astoria quickly. "I mean – there's no reason to think that that sort of a decision would ever come up. Anyway, Mum's for the cooperation of the Ministry; she'd want us all to stick together."
"Mum's for the continuation of the old regime," said Daphne flatly. "So is Lucius Malfoy. Everyone knows Dumbledore isn't – and he's trying to get the Ministry to go along with him as well."
"But Mum – Mum's pretty passive, isn't she?" said Astoria hesitantly, trying and failing to conjure up a picture of her mother as some sort of renegade revolutionary.
Daphne nodded slowly. "That's true. I don't think Mum would ever actively express dissent with the Ministry, but there are other, subtler ways one can oppose the government in politics. But, that's beside the point. I just wanted to know if you understood our situation."
"Of course I do, Daphne –" Astoria started but was cut off once again by Daphne.
"You have to know which side your family's on. That's vital, Tori. You can't go around giving people mixed messages about your loyalty."
"I…don't," said Astoria reluctantly, feeling a squirming in her stomach that had everything to do with Sara Hibburt. "But, what does it really matter, Daphne? Why – why would it matter what message I give other people – I mean, no one looks at me – it isn't as though what I do reflects on Mum. I'm – a twelve-year-old schoolgirl."
Daphne's eyes grabbed hold of Astoria's again. Astoria felt her words trickle to a stop off her lips.
"You never know what might matter," said Daphne slowly. "Someday all this might matter a great deal, more than either of us can imagine."
That Monday morning was double Potions with the Slytherins. Always a struggle, but this morning made worse by Livonia Mentang and Eris Platinous, whom had once again – by some unknown reason – become interested in making Astoria's life miserable.
It had been some weeks since Astoria had had to deal with the two Slytherins; she had been beginning to think that Daphne's influence had made Livonia and Eris leave Astoria alone. Apparently, however, she was mistaken.
"Still hiding behind your sister's skirts?" hissed Eris, voice almost hidden by the roiling of her potion inside her cauldron.
"I never hid behind Daphne!" Astoria snapped, forgetting to keep her voice down.
"I do not believe I gave any of you permission to speak," said Snape dangerously at the head of the class. He seemed to be in a foul mood. Then again, he was rarely in a mood of anything else.
"You seemed all too inclined to let her step in the other day," Eris said after a beat of silence, waiting for Professor Snape to turn his back, writing a list of ingredients on the blackboard.
"I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself," Astoria growled, watching Snape carefully, being sure she didn't attract his attention, "especially when dealing with imbeciles like you."
"Imbeciles!" said Livonia loudly and indignantly. Eris quieted her friend with a wave of her hand and an exasperated look, also keeping an eye on Snape.
Sara and Melissa were watching the exchange warily.
"I wouldn't be so cocky if I were you, Greengrass," said Eris. "Mummy and older sister aren't here to protect you."
"I've told you – I don't need –"
"Unless you're going to write home, telling Mummy all about it," Eris continued to speak in a quiet, carefully measure tone, keeping her eyes on her work so that if Professor Snape should look over he might think she was only muttering incantations over her potion.
Astoria's blood boiled. She tried to smother her anger, telling herself that Eris was only doing this to get under Astoria's skin, perhaps to provoke her enough to get her into trouble with Snape.
"I wouldn't like to trouble my mother about anything so trivial as you," said Astoria, trying to summon something truly biting to say and knowing she was failing miserably. "She has more important things on her mind, you know."
Eris raised her eyebrows, eyes on the dried Snarguluff leaf she was chopping. "For someone who doesn't need to hide behind her mother's reputation, you certainly seem ready to remind me of her importance."
"I didn't know Ravenclaws were cowards as well as know-it-alls," intercut Livonia.
"Cowards," said Astoria, just barely remembering to keep her voice down, gripping her ladle hard to stifle the shaking of her fingers. "I wouldn't speak so easily of cowards, Mentang. I remember how white you went when you saw Daphne come up behind me."
Livonia's eyes flashed.
"Now…girls…" said Sara tentatively beside Astoria.
Astoria felt a flash of annoyance. Sometimes she wished the Muggle-born would just stay out of it.
"Playing little miss goody-two-shoes again, Hibburt?" hissed Livonia.
Sara bristled, "You're going to get us all into trouble."
"Professor Snape won't get us into trouble," said Eris. "I'd worry about your own skin, Hibburt. Snape doesn't like Mudbloods."
Astoria dropped her ladle. It clanged against the side of her cauldron and sank to the bottom of her bubbling potion.
"I've – told you – don't use that –" Astoria struggled against her rage and her need to keep her voice below a whisper.
Eris smiled, eyes still infuriatingly on her work. "You're sister says "Mudblood" all the time, Greengrass."
Astoria could hear her heart beating loudly in her ears. That wasn't true – Daphne – but it was true. Astoria knew, deep in her mind, that it was true. At least to an extent that if Daphne didn't use the word herself than she didn't at all mind if people around her did.
"Mudblood, Mudblood, Mudblood," cackled Livonia, smiling almost manically, exhilarated by her and Eris's apparent victory.
Sara was looking confused. Astoria wondered if Sara didn't, in fact, even know the true connotations of the word.
"Shut up," said Astoria unconvincingly. She tried to stifle the frustrated, almost panicked feeling that was rising in her chest, one of self-doubt and horrible exasperation with herself. She had gotten over this first-year; she wasn't supposed to care what Daphne felt about her friendship with Sara. Astoria had – had accepted that Sara was a Muggle-born witch and wasn't going to let it bother her anymore.
But suddenly Daphne's words, spoken in the library like a forewarning, only two days before came back loudly and insistently in Astoria's ears: You have to know which side your family's on. That's vital, Tori. You can't go around giving people mixed messages about your loyalty.
"Hey!" Astoria jumped at the bold and angry voice from her side. "Hey, what did you just call her?"
It was Stephan. Astoria felt her heart sink. He seemed to totally disregard the fact that Professor Snape would hear him; in fact, he walked away from his potion altogether and stalked up to Livonia's table, face red.
"Coming to the defense of your girlfriend, Edgecombe?" simpered Livonia. Eris was looking uncomfortable. She shot a look to the head of the classroom and pulled backward slightly, evidently prepared to let her friend take the fall.
"You don't ever call her that again, do you hear me?" said Stephan.
"…Stephan, shhhh!" squeaked Sara.
"Silence," said Snape, marching up to their tables, black cloak swinging behind him. "I will not have your petty squabbling take place in my classroom."
"Did you hear her?" demanded Stephan of Snape. "She called Sara a Mudblood! That shouldn't be allowed! You can't let that pass –"
"I said silence, Mr. Edgecombe," hissed Snape. "Five points from Ravenclaw."
"You – you – biased –" stammered Stephan.
"Stephan, shut up!" said Sara insistently.
"I suggest you listen to Miss Hibburt, Mr. Edgecombe," said Snape poisonously, "or else you will find that I am perfectly capable to take from you something other than points."
Stephan clamped his mouth shut, seething but knowing to proceed would be folly. Sara's expression was one of exasperation crossed with relief. Livonia and Eris looked smug. Astoria hovered uncertainly over her cauldron, hating Snape but hating that she really couldn't intercede – there wasn't anything she could say – she didn't want to get into trouble. She – Why did Stephan have to step in? She – it was Livonia and Eris who'd started it all. And Sara – Sara who was so innocent, so mind-bogglingly good-willed…. And Daphne who had made things just so much more confusing –
Snape stalked away, telling Stephan to get back to his cauldron. Stephan glared at Eris and Livonia. "You Slytherins stay out of our way!" he spat. His eyes flickered nastily over Astoria and abruptly she knew that he was including her in his generalization.
Astoria felt her stomach roiling with anger. To be included with the Slytherins was something she had thought she'd always wanted, but now she was so terribly uncertain. She was positive, however, that she did not want to be included with Slytherins in the way Stephan meant. She didn't want to be grouped together with Livonia Mentang and Eris Platinous, who were sniveling and low and petty. Astoria was better than that. She was better than Livonia and Eris. She was better than Stephan, who hadn't any right –
Astoria's throat collapsed and suddenly she couldn't breathe. With a whirring sense of panic, Astoria realized she was about to start crying. She was tired and frustrated and so dreadfully confused.
The rest of Potions class trickled so slowly it seemed to harbor lingering hostility. Astoria choked back her tears and eventually fled the dungeon classroom with scratchy eyes, an aching chest, feeling irritable.
"Stephan," said Sara quietly as the Ravenclaw second-years made their way toward the Great Hall for lunch. "I appreciate you always standing up for me but, really, in some cases it might be better to keep out of it."
"I'm not about to let those Slytherins get away with treating you like filth," said Stephan fiercely.
"Yes, but Stephan," said Sara. "Sometimes your interference can do more harm than good. In this case, for example, you could have gotten into serious trouble with Professor Snape –"
"I don't care!" said Stephan ardently. "Snape can go stuff it. After all, someone has to look out for you." Again, Stephan's eyes traveled to Astoria, daring her to respond.
Astoria had just about had enough. "Shut up, Edgecombe," she hissed, almost before she could make the decision to speak. She was fed up with Stephan's lies and insinuations.
"I thought I've told you before that I want you Slytherins to leave us alone," spat Stephan.
"Stephan!" Sara cried. "Please! Astoria isn't a Slytherin –"
"She's just as bad as one!" shouted Stephan. "Don't you see how she treats you, Sara? She doesn't think of you as a friend! She thinks of you as something she can boss around and use whenever she needs –"
"Shut up!" yelled Astoria, at the very same time that Sara squealed, "Stephan, stop it!"
Stephan turned to Astoria, eyes popping. "I've told you time and time again to leave Sara alone –"
"No you –" Astoria's throat was burning. "You leave me alone!"
"Stop pretending!" Stephan shouted. "Admit it, you don't care about Sara at all!"
"It isn't true!" said Sara, her eyes glistening.
"That isn't true!" shouted Astoria, realizing she was shaking. "I – I do care –"
"See!" shouted Stephan manically. "See? She can't even get the words out without thinking about it! She's too loyal to her Slytherin family to be a friend of a Muggle-born –"
"Stephan, stop it," said Sara weakly.
Something was screaming inside of Astoria's head, something that was making it hard for her to think. Shut up, she told the pounding in her mind. Shut up! "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" The other Ravenclaw second-years had paused and were watching the fight with wide eyes.
Melissa had pressed herself against the wall. Mark stood uncertainly, half a pace behind Stephan, evidently watching to see if he'd have to grab his friend to keep Stephan from launching himself at Astoria.
"Stop denying it!" Stephan bellowed.
Something had broken inside Astoria, something the allowed the waters to pour out, gushing from her lips, "That isn't true! I don't care about – I don't care! But – you – leave me alone! I don't owe you – of course I care about Sara, and I – I –"
"You liar!" said Stephan, stepping forward, face darkening. "You're just playing with her!" he waved his hand, indicating Sara. "You just want people to look at you in a good light so you pretend you don't care that she's Muggle-born when you're with us and then play the good Slytherin when you're with your sister. You're a two-faced, bigoted, liar –"
"Stephan, shut up!" shouted Sara suddenly and loudly and her voice rebounded off the walls of the corridor, slapping Stephan in the face so that he almost stumbled. "Stop pretending like you know who Astoria is!" Sara continued. "Because you don't! Astoria's my friend and I don't want you talking like that about her –"
"She isn't your friend!" yelled Stephan. "Her family's a bunch of pure-blood supremacists and it isn't possible for one of those to be friends with a Muggle-born. Can't you see that, Sara? She's a liar and a coward –"
Astoria had had enough. She shrieked in frustration and rage and charged at Stephan. Her palms met his chest firmly and she shoved him with all her strength. It was then that she realized that Stephan had grown several inches taller than her over the course of the year and her attack only managed to make him stumble slightly. Mark caught him and pushed him back to his feet.
Within the coursing anger in her head, Astoria was aware of her watching classmates. Suddenly she was very conscious of what she had just done. She had actually been provoked to bodily attack – using a Muggle form of dueling – her mother would be so horribly disappointed. Astoria stumbled backwards, watching as Stephan's expression of shock turned to rage.
Astoria felt the block in her throat give way and suddenly tears were streaming down her face. She tripped over her feet as she dashed away, knowing she was a coward for running but somehow she had completely lost control of herself. She slammed into Tiffany Lanesingly as she struggled to run out of the ring of spectators.
Astoria didn't stop running until she had fled down an empty corridor and her pattering feet was the only thing she could hear. Then she found a girls' lavatory and tried to compose herself.
Tears continued to slip stubbornly down her face. Shame bubbled in her chest. She had just made a complete, unforgivable fool of herself.
Stephan's words pounded repetitively in Astoria's mind: two-faced, bigoted, liar. Coward. They joined with Daphne's voice to form a perverse duet, taunting Astoria, drowning out her own thoughts until all she wanted to do was scream.
She'd thought before that nothing Stephan said could possibly hurt her anymore, but now Astoria knew she'd only been fooling herself.
In the course of only a few days everything had gotten so terribly confusing, issues that Astoria had thought had been laid to rest had been risen again with pointed cruelty.
Astoria couldn't bear to have what had happened the previous year happen again this year. Just after Christmas Astoria had made the mistake of siding with Eris and Livonia against Sara and word had gotten around to the rest of Ravenclaw first-years. Astoria had found herself suddenly at the very bottom of the hierarchy. It had seemed as if everyone had hated her. No one had been willing to sit with her, talk with her, laugh with her.
It had been one of the most horrible experiences of Astoria's life and she thought she would do anything – anything – to prevent it from happening again.
But Daphne. Daphne had warned Astoria that loyalty to her family was everything. Was Astoria being disloyal to her family by being Sara Hibburt's friend? Was it really so bad as that? Did Astoria have to choose one over another?
If what Daphne said was true – if it did correlate to Sara – then being friends with Sara as Astoria was now would mean Astoria would have to fully cast off her family's ideals, fully give herself over to the other side, walk away from her mother and her sister, choose friendship over family – over blood.
Astoria…Astoria couldn't do that.
Perhaps she could just shut it from mind, go on living in a kind of limbo, choosing neither side over the other. She could simply allow herself to be friends with Sara and at the same time hide that friendship from Daphne and her mother. She could give herself a door to both worlds…just in case.
But no. No, that wouldn't work. Every time Astoria thought of Sara, when she pictured her sweet, innocent face with wide, unsuspecting eyes she felt an unquenchable, trembling sense of guilt, of shame, of…of a kind of deep, shuddering sadness – something that, perhaps, Sara might feel if she ever discovered these secret feelings of Astoria's. The feelings of a loss of a friend, the betrayal of someone you held close. No. Astoria couldn't hide this. She couldn't live treading the narrow fencepost for the rest of her life… but she… what else, then, could she do?
"Astoria?"
Astoria jumped, thinking irrationally to dive into a stall to hide. But it was too late – the door to the girls' lavatory opened and Sara stepped through, looking uncertain but achingly sympathetic.
Astoria wanted to yell at Sara to leave her alone.
Sara's eyes fell on Astoria. Astoria looked back and wiped her cheeks, wishing she had thought to dry her eyes before now. She probably looked like a mess, a complete fool….
"Astoria, are you alright?"
"Fine," Astoria snapped. She checked her tone, breathing deeply, willing herself not to lose control, to hide her feelings as her mother and her sister were so adept at doing. "I'm fine."
Sara shuffled her feet, "You – you shouldn't pay attention to what Stephan said, Astoria. He was – angry. He didn't know what he was saying."
"Yes he did," said Astoria bitterly.
Sara's face fell. "I guess…I guess, yeah." She sunk to the floor, leaning her back against the wall of closed stalls, fingering a corner of broken tile. She looked small and defeated. "Is this the reason you and Stephan have been fighting all this time?" she said quietly.
Astoria's feet carried her over to Sara. She sat down beside her. "I guess so. Yeah. I'm sorry, I didn't want you to know."
"I – why don't you just explain to Stephan that you – that you aren't like what he thinks you are?" said Sara.
Astoria didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to explain it to Sara. She felt guilt trickle into her stomach, churning until a feeling of nausea rose in her throat.
"Stephan shouldn't have said those things," said Sara. "They weren't true. I know they weren't true."
Suddenly Sara's arm was around Astoria's shoulder. Astoria was taken aback by this unexpected sign of friendship and almost pulled away. Astoria couldn't stifle the thoughts and confusion that had risen to the forefront of her mind. Astoria couldn't voice the doubts that had suddenly been raised concerning Sara and their friendship. Astoria couldn't explain to Sara about the importance of being loyal to her family, how she couldn't just walk away from that, even if it meant shunting aside –
But Sara didn't deserve this. Sara deserved a friend who was sure of their friendship, who was certain of loyalty to her. Astoria wasn't worthy of Sara's friendship while she was still uncertain of whether or not this friendship was in Astoria's best interest. Astoria wasn't worthy of Sara's sympathy.
"Sara…." Sara listened patiently as Astoria furiously wracked her brain, trying to say something, anything with which to alleviate this crushing guilt she felt within her stomach. But her mind came up blank and she struggled to her feet. "Sara, we should go. Lunch is – class starts in a little while. We should hurry if we want to get something to eat."
"Oh," said Sara, surprised, but also getting to her feet. "If you're sure you're alright, Astoria."
"Yeah," said Astoria, slipping a smile onto her face as she'd seen her mother do many times. "Of course I'm alright… thank you."
Sara matched Astoria's smile. She grabbed her into a tight hug. "I'm glad. I don't want you to be hurt on account of me."
Astoria stared over Sara's shoulder and tried to return her hug, relieved that she no longer had to be concerned about staring in Sara's eyes and let her lips relax, smiling trickling back off her face.
Author's Note: I'd originally not intended for this interior conflict to crop up again in Astoria until after Christmas but, meh, the characters decided otherwise.
Next chapter, next week.