Servant Zero
The Sword in the Shop
Rin awoke to the rather painful feeling of being shoved out of her own bed, and then landing on the floor, the side of her head and left arm throbbing from where they had impacted against the ground.
What? she wondered blearily. Why am I on the floor?
From somewhere above her, Rin could make out a faint mumbling.
"Stupid, perverted familiar. How dare she make her master do something so embarrassing and indecent?"
Trying to ignore the annoying noise in the background, Rin struggled to get back to sleep, but the floor was too hard, and she was too cold without her blankets. Where had they gone, anyway?
Blearily, Rin opened her eyes, slowly taking in the room from where she lay on the floor, flat on her back.
From the light peeking through the translucent curtains of her windows, she could tell that it was just after dawn. Too early. Craning her head in the other direction, Rin caught sight of her alarm clock, resting in its usual place beside her bed. Half asleep, it took her a minute to discern the time from the positions of the hour and minute hands, but, eventually, her muzzy mind was able to figure it out. It was only a few minutes past six in the morning. Much too early.
Mm. She definitely needed to go back to sleep. Unfortunately, there was some sort of lumpy, pink thing on her bed, which had settled itself beneath her yellow comforter. What could it be? She didn't remember getting a dog, or any other sort of animal.
Hm. Last night she had...
Rin caught sight of the command seal on the back of her right hand, and blinked at it in confusion for a moment before remembering its relation to the events of last night.
Oh right. She had summoned a servant for the Holy Grail War. She had wanted Saber, but instead she had gotten Caster.
Her vision seemed stuck on the two faded parts of the tattoo on her hand: the evidence that two of her command spells were already used up.
Oh yes. Now she remembered. First, Caster had tried to deny that she was Rin's servant at all, and then, when that had not worked, she had tried to blow Rin up. A command spell had solved that problem, but then her servant had...
Rin found her gaze drifting to the runes on the back of her other hand, from when her servant had branded her, using one of her noble phantasms. She had called it the Mark of the Gandalfr, which, from what Rin recalled of the Norse language, was some sort of guardian spirit tied to a magic wand. She would need to look into the details of the runes fairly soon, in order to determine their various properties. She had only taken a brief look at their description last night.
Then, she had gotten very angry, especially when Caster had started claiming that Rin was her familiar, and, once Caster pushed her over the edge, had completely wasted another one of her command spells on a childish prank. She faintly blushed at the thought of what her father would have had to say about that.
After that, Rin had gone to bed, only to wake up far too early in the morning, sprawled out on the floor, her body aching from where it had recently crashed against the ground. Finally, there was a pink lump in her bed, and Caster's hair was pink.
Now, very nearly fully awake, Rin's mind processed the evidence instantly, and her eyes zoomed in on the offensive pink lump, which had appropriated her comforter, mattress and pillows. That bitch.
Pushing herself to her feet, Rin stepped up to her bed, ripped the covers off of the pink-haired interloper who had dared to interrupt her sleep, and then froze.
"Wh-Why are you naked?" Then her eyes caught sight of something equally disturbing, just before she covered her eyes with her left hand. "And-And why do you have a whip?"
Caster grabbed the blankets Rin had removed back from the magus' unresisting hand, quickly covering herself up again.
"That's- That's- It's not like it's my fault, you perverted familiar! You're the one who took all my clothes, only leaving me with that stupid-looking hat."
"You're a servant!" Rin yelled right back, removing the hand which had been covering her eyes now that it was safe to look. "Why didn't you just make more once my command spell had expired?"
"I already said that I'm not anyone's servant. I'm a noble. And even if I was a servant, it's not like I could just make clothes out of thin air. I'd at least need some fabric, or something, and a spinning wheel."
"What? What are you even- No. We'll come back to that later. First, why do you have a whip, and where did you get it?"
Caster looked a bit uncertain for a moment before rallying.
"I purchased it, of course."
Rin's eyes narrowed.
"While running through the city naked, singing Christmas carols?"
"Well, it's not like I know what Christmas carols are, so I just sang other kinds of songs."
"That's not the part that you need to explain!"
Caster huffed.
"Fine. The shop might have been closed, but I left something more valuable in trade, so it's fine!"
"What?"
"That stupid talking sword! It kept cat-calling, while I was doing that sick and perverted thing you forced me to do, so I left it at a local shop, and took this whip in trade."
"Wait. You left your noble phantasm at some shop?"
"It was annoying me!"
"No. That- That- Even if it was annoying, that sword must have been an integral part of your legend. How could you just leave it somewhere?"
"Hmph. As if I need some perverted sword."
"No. We'll have to get it back, and... Oh, God. It's a talking sword. You left a talking sword in some shop."
"So, what?"
"So, what? That's a serious threat to the secrecy of magecraft! If we don't get it back and someone puts it on tv, or, or, even just writes about it in the newspaper, the Mage's Association will kill me. Now, come on! We have to hurry."
Caster did not move an inch.
Rin stared at Caster. Caster stared back.
"I'm not going anywhere until you give me my clothes back."
"Argh!" Rin growled.
Obviously, she couldn't give them back. They were just projections composed of prana. They would have faded away within a few hours of losing contact with Caster. So, why wouldn't her servant replace them? She definitely had the prana for it. Whatever.
Opening up her armoire, Rin pulled out out one of the white dress shirts she wore beneath her school uniform and a black skirt like the one her servant had been wearing when she appeared last night, along with some stockings.
"I don't have your stupid Harry Potter cosplay outfit anymore," Rin growled, throwing the clothes she had picked out at Caster, "so just wear these. I'm a bit bigger than you, but it should still be close enough that you'll be able to manage until we can find you something else. It's not like you need a bra or anything, so our different sizes there shouldn't be a problem."
Quickly picking out her own outfit – just a copy of her school uniform – Rin missed the ominous silence brewing behind her until her servant's temper boiled over, the pink-haired girl very nearly frothing at the mouth as she screeched.
"Impudent familiar! How dare you talk about your master's chest in such a disrespectful manner?"
Rin shot her servant a contemptuous look.
"It's not disrespect. It's just telling the truth. Disrespect would be something like pointing out how most boys have more up top than you."
"How dare you?"
Rin smiled sweetly.
"But, of course, as a Tohsaka, I would never say something so disrespectful. It would be beneath my dignity. That was just me generously offering you an example of what actual disrespect might sound like."
Having managed to put Rin's dress shirt and skirt on, Caster was clutching the handle of her whip in her right hand rather tightly, as she gritted her teeth.
That reminded Rin: "Actually, come to think of it, you never explained why you got that whip in the first place. I assume that you at least had a good reason if you were willing to trade away one of your noble phantasms in exchange for it."
Flushing, Caster stared down at her feet and mumbled something inaudible.
"What was that?" Rin asked with a tiny smirk, scenting blood in the water. "I'm afraid that I couldn't quite hear you, Caster."
"I said it doesn't matter!" Caster blurted out. "It was just a dumb idea my sister had, and, and that's all, so returning it is fine."
Rin's eyes narrowed. That had been one of the most suspicious evasions she had ever heard. Apparently, her servant could not convincingly lie to save her life. Well, whatever. It was not like it really mattered why her servant had thought it would be a good idea to trade away a noble phantasm for a whip. What mattered was getting her noble phantasm back before anyone noticed it talking.
Buttoning up her beige vest over her dress shirt, Rin saw that her servant seemed to have also managed to dress herself, even if the clothing was a bit too large on her. If Caster kept refusing to make her own clothing, they might need to go on a shopping trip. After all, even if she stayed in her astral form most of the time (which Rin was starting to think she might prefer) Rin would die of embarrassment on the spot if her servant materialized in the nude, in order to do battle with another servant.
"Alright then," the young magus affirmed. "Let's go. You'll have to show me where you left Derflinger. It's not too far, is it?"
Caster shook her head.
Of course, Rin griped to herself thirty minutes later, what Caster had meant was that it was not too far for her – a heroic spirit. Caster's agility might only be rank C, but that still meant that her idea of a light jog could outrun a car.
Even so, eventually, they did make it to the shopping district, and found the costume shop where Caster had left her sword. Fortunately, the shop was on Rin's way to school, so she would probably even be able to avoid arriving late. Unfortunately, there was a minor complication.
The entire shop had been cordoned off by police, who seemed to be trying to determine how someone had broken in overnight. Thus, Rin and Caster found themselves stuck on the wrong side of a barrier of yellow police tape, along with a small crowd of curious onlookers.
"Caster," Rin whispered to her companion. "Just how did you get into that shop last night?"
Caster's expression was more than a little defensive. "Well, I tried to open the door, but the knob wouldn't budge at first, so I just kept trying harder until it did. It's not my fault that the whole door knob came off. Obviously, it was just shoddy craftsmanship."
Rin rolled her eyes. After all, there were probably very few manufacturers who planned for their doorknobs to handle a grip ten times as strong as that of an average human.
Regardless, the presence of the police was a complication, as was, "Hey! I already told you. I'm not a robot. I'm the legendary sword Derflinger. It's not my fault that stupid brat left me here."
She could try using a memory spell on the police officers, but she couldn't do them all at once, and if they caught on before she was done, things might get very messy for her. Also, doing thaumaturgy in front of a crowd of curious onlookers would hardly be looked upon favourably by the Mage's Association. Unlike Kirei, she did not have much experience doing memory modification on a large scale.
Then, as her thoughts turned to the subject of experience, it struck Rin that she was not exactly alone out here. While weak in single combat, few mages alive could hope to even compete with a Caster-class servant in either spell selection or experience. Even if that servant was the most aggravating individual Rin had ever met, she would be a fool not to exploit such a resource.
Turning towards her servant, Rin asked, "Caster, do you know any spells that could help us retrieve Derflinger without attracting the attention of the police?"
A bit startled by Rin's question, Caster froze for a moment before stuttering through a response.
"U-Um, no. I- I- That is- I mean, of the spells I can do, I can't think of any which would be helpful for something like that."
Rin frowned. So, apparently, asking Caster was a bust. Either she actually did not know any spells which could help (unlikely) or she was simply being difficult.
Then biting her lip, Caster asked a question which left Rin so befuddled that she had to give her brain a minute to reboot before she could muster up a response.
"Also, there's something I've wanted to know for a while now. Why do you keep calling me Caster?"
As Rin's brain sputtered to a halt, the pink-haired girl continued.
"I mean, originally I assumed that you were just some sort of madwoman, so I ignored it, but is there any particular reason you chose that name for me. In truth, I would prefer my familiar to call me something more like Lady de la Valliere, or even Mistress would be acceptable."
Rin's mouth opened and closed a few times, as she gawped at her servant, before she managed to form an intelligent response.
"I call you Caster because that's your class. As if I'd ever call you either of those other things."
The heroic spirit's brow wrinkled, as she seemed to consider that.
"I see. So, the nobility are known as casters here. In Tristain, we usually refer to ourselves as mages."
Rin stared.
"What?" Caster asked, noticing Rin's increasingly horrified regard. "What is it?"
"Caster, you-"
Rin's inquiry was cut off by by a pained scream from within the costume shop.
"Itagaki! Are you alright?"
"The- The sword. It bit me!"
"Well, what do you expect touching me like that? Just because I'm a sword doesn't mean you can just put your hands all over me without even asking!"
Rin shut her mouth, and refocused her attention on the problem at hand. She could sort out what was wrong with her servant later. That she did not even seem to know her own class was insane. The Grail was supposed to grant servants that sort of information automatically. Right now, however, preserving the secrecy of magecraft had to come first.
Taking a deep breath, the magus considered her options carefully.
Considering how many people were watching the main entrance to the costume shop Caster had robbed last night, entering that way without attracting any attention would be very difficult. Their best option then, would be to enter through a back entrance, if there was one. If not, well, for a magus, a concrete wall was not that big an obstacle, provided she was out of sight. Fortunately, there was an alley to the left of the shop, which seemed to be mostly empty.
Taking Caster's hand, Rin pulled the two of them past the crowd idly watching the police, and into the alley, ignoring her servant's protest at being dragged around. As she had hoped, it was mostly deserted, and there was even a back entrance. Two police officers stood in front of the door and what looked like a homeless person seemed to be loitering about a bit further down the alley, but three people were no problem for her.
Pasting a fake smile on her face, and lifting a hand in what she hoped would look like a greeting to the officers watching her, Rin whispered under her breath, "Sie schlafen und vergessen."
The officers and loiterer collapsed like puppets whose strings had been cut.
"What?" her heroic spirit asked, seemingly confused. "How did you do that?"
Rin let out a sigh, as she continued walking towards the door. Just because Caster was some kind of legendary magus whose skill and power were so great that tales were told of her for generations after her death – even if Rin herself, had never heard of her before – didn't mean that she should act so surprised when a modern-day magus employed a simple thaumaturgy. Modern magi weren't completely useless, after all.
"It's just a simple thaumaturgy for imposing sleep and forgetfulness," Rin replied defensively. "Even I can do something like that."
"Now," she continued pointing her right index finger at the locked back door, "Offen."
As the lock clicked open, Rin turned back to face her servant, who was looking more and more confused every second.
"That- That- You didn't even use a wand!"
"Shush!" Rin hissed back, and then gestured towards the guards. "If you speak too loudly, they might wake up. Also, I know you're some sort of legendary magus, but stop looking down on modern magi. As if I'd need a mystic code for something like this. If you underestimate the magi in the Grail War so much, then even you might end up in trouble."
Making sure to keep her voice down this time, Caster hissed back, "What? What are you- Argh! Why do you never make any sense?"
Taking a deep breath, Rin resolved to ignore yet another insult from her servant. They needed to focus on the problem at hand.
"Alright, as a servant, your speed should be sufficient to knock out the police officers and retrieve your noble phantasm before they can mount a defence. I'll follow after, and use a spell to erase-"
"Wait! We can't do that!"
"What? Why not?"
"Those men are officers of the law. We can't just attack them without provocation. It would be a crime."
Rin pointedly looked at the whip held in Caster's left hand, raising an eyebrow.
"I already told you that was a trade!"
"Whatever you say, Caster," Rin replied, shaking her head. "Anyway, I suppose that, if you're going to be like that, then there's only one thing we can do."
"Right. We'll just explain that it was an honest mistake, and, as we're nobles-"
Rin opened the door, placed her hands behind Caster's back, and shoved her servant into the shop as hard as she could.
"I'll leave it to you, Caster," she declared, and firmly closed the door.
For a servant, quietly disabling a few police officers should not be any problem at all. As their weapons were mundane, they would not even be able to hurt Caster, and the heroic spirit could move fast enough that they would not even be able to see her. Rin leaned against the door and sighed. Why did her servant always have to make everything so difficult?
Then, through the door, Rin heard a familiar voice speak up: "Hey, girlie, you're back! Good timing, though don't think it'll get me to forgive you for just abandoning me here like that!"
"Put your hands in the air and freeze!"
"Tanigawa, she's doing something with that stick!"
"I said freeze!"
"Fireball!"