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Chapter Eight
On faith and love and miracles
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His thumb hovers over the send button for the longest time. Takao stares at the message, wondering if it was even worth sending since Midorima most likely has no intention of speaking to him forever with the way he'd stormed out yesterday.
It's six in the morning and he's still cocooned in warm blankets. He doesn't feel like getting up today and if it weren't for the fact that he'd made an appointment with Kise – appointment and Kise being two words he'd never expected to use in the same sentence – Takao would've slept until noon. It's a gray Monday, the worst kind of Monday there is, and it's not looking to be a good start to the week.
The phone buzzes and Takao nearly drops it to the floor but it's his stomach that drops (into some transdimensional abyss, he assumes) upon seeing who the message is from.
From: Shin-chan~
Subject: Don't bother.
It's like a punch to the gut but at the same time it's a relief that he doesn't have to explain why he won't be coming to school. He swiftly deletes the draft message and curls in tighter into himself. Breakfast is a brief affair and when his parents ask why he's not rushing to school, Takao gives them the short answer of needing a break. They assume it's because of yesterday's loss and tell him that one day is fine but to be sure to be back in school tomorrow. Takao just nods around a spoonful of cold cereal.
He's dressed and out the door by six-thirty. He takes the train to Kanagawa where, sure enough, Kise has a ride waiting for him.
Their conversation yesterday was disrupted by the arrival of Shutoku alumni who had gone searching when they found him and Midorima absent from the rest of the guys boarding the school bus. Kise left him in the care of Miyaji and Ootsubo, all the while making it clear that they were nowhere near done with their talk. Hence the meet-up, since Kise has a shoot in the morning (excusing him from school) and there is a marginally lower chance of running into acquaintances in Kanagawa.
It was nice to catch up with his former captain and teammate. More than that, talking with them cleared up his mind a little on the topic of Shutoku's captaincy. If they weren't interrupted by Kagami's call, Takao would've found courage to ask about more personal matters but he's grateful that he didn't in the end.
Takao squints at the consecutive camera flashes, wondering how Kise can stand the brightness and heat. He has witnessed at least five costume changes and people all around him are continuously rushing to get the extras lined up for the next shot (and the next one, and the one after that.) Takao appreciates the meticulously maintained model-figures and the costly designer clothes wrapped around them; he breathes in various top-of-the-line perfumes and wonders about the point of it since smell can't be captured on camera anyway. Kise looks in his direction every so often as though making sure that he didn't run off – fat chance considering he's stuffing himself with pretzels at the buffet table. On the whole, the experience did its job of lulling his mind into a false sense of security.
Lunch is provided for but, since the shoot is done, Kise politely declines and whisks Takao off site. The chauffeur brings them to the nearest mall where Kise talks him into having Thai food at his favorite restaurant.
"So how're you faring, Takaocchi?" Kise asks as they wait for their food.
"So and so," Takao replies, taking too much interest in the tablecloth's pattern of gold threads sewn into deep reds and purple. "I'm probably at some level of stress-eating but I'm good for the most part."
"Uh-huh. Have you talked to Midorimacchi at all since yesterday?"
"I was planning to." Takao meets Kise's eyes for a brief second before looking over at the draperies. "I was going to tell him I can't cart him to school this morning because it's only polite, y'know, I can't have him waiting on me. But he beat me to it. He said, Don't bother, and that's pretty much summarizes where we're standing at the moment."
A waiter comes around, bringing their drinks. Kise continues once the guy leaves. "So what are you planning to do?"
Takao's cheeks puff up and he slowly lets the air out. "Of course I want to fix things but I just… I don't know where to start."
"You know, you still owe me the full story on you and Kagamicchi," Kise grins in contrast to Takao's pout. "So why don't we start there?"
Takao's retelling lasts throughout lunch and carries over to the shopping that Kise insists they must do because it relieves stress or something. They're at their third store when Takao reaches the end of his tale.
"So then, Tai-chan assures me that Shin-chan does care, and–" He pauses as he pushes his head through the collar of a brightly-patterned sweater, resuming once he's able to breathe freely again. "I already know those things, of course, but my mind was in such a mess. And sometimes it really helps to have someone that understands." Takao looks himself in the mirror before opening the door.
"That's cute," Kise beams at the sight of Takao's new outfit. "You have got to get that – No wait, silly me, I'm getting you that."
Smiling wryly, Takao tries to dissuade him for the millionth time. "You don't really have to–"
"Oh, but I do," Kise interjects, looking over at Takao like he would a fond pet. "Try these next." He hands over an armful of jeans which Takao takes with a shake of his head. When the fitting room door shuts, he calls out. "So you're like, half-in-love with Kagamicchi." Oh, where was Momoicchi when he needed someone to squeal with? Juicy gossip like this don't usually happen outside of television.
"No!" Takao denies through the door, glad that Kise can't see the blush on face. He picks out a dark blue pair from the stack of colored denims. "Tai-chan's just a friend. A really close one, granted–"
"But you said the kiss was nice!" Kise points out, playing with his earring as he wheedles out information.
"Exactly. Just… nice." Takao's voice is muffled as he peels off his pants and pulls on one of the pairs Kise had picked out. "Not spectacular, or life-changing, or anything." What happened after the kiss was definitely more than nice but some things are better left private. And it's generally better not to think of those kinds of stuff when trying on tight-fitting clothes.
"Poor Kurokocchi…" Kise sighs, smiling when he hears Takao laugh.
"Tai-chan definitely needs more practice but–" Takao wriggles into the denim material, pulling at it until it rests on his hip. He frowns at the bulge of his full stomach, sucking it in before zipping up and buttoning the jeans. "The thing is I brought this whole fiasco on to myself and Tai-chan is just a not-so-innocent bystander that I've dragged down with me."
"So what I'm getting is that you made out with Kagamicchi to prove that you like Midorimacchi more?"
Coming from Kise, it sounds like the stupidest decision anyone could've made but – "Yep."
"Okay." The fitting room door opens a second time with Takao twisting sideways, trying to see the how the material clung to his legs. Kise goes over to inspect it up close, leaning leisurely on the doorframe as though it was one of those photo shoot props. Meeting Takao's gaze through the mirror's reflection, he smirks. "Look at you. Dressing up for a special someone?"
"Oh, you know…" Takao lowers his eyelids halfway, jutting out his hip to check the silver piping running along the side seam. "There's this luck-obsessed basketball prodigy who is currently not acknowledging my existence and whose friends are out to get me."
"Hey!" Kise pouts, playful with a slight touch of offense. "You can't be thinking that I'm doing this out of anything but the goodness of my heart~"
"I know that," Takao assures the blond. "But I also know that you Miracles have this unbreakable bond and that no matter how much you claim to be rivals on court, you still have each other's backs. It's admirable, really."
Kise goes quiet at that, his mien turning serious as gold catches silver. "In that case, you must understand that whatever Akashicchi may or may not have orchestrated, he's only doing it because he's looking after Midorimacchi's best interest. Kurokocchi's too, by extension. He wouldn't go to drastic measures if there isn't a damn good reason behind it."
A long moment passes where Takao puts up a brave front. When Midorima says those things, he can't help but object out of some twisted prerogative to oppose anything and everything that involves the Rakuzan captain. He can sense an intricate history between those two and it irks him that he will never fully understand it; all he can do is wonder and fume about how he will never match up. How can he when he's giving in to all these insecurities whereas Akashi is always so composed, so sure of what he wants – just like Midorima and nothing like Takao. He groans, deflating in front of Kise. "I can't believe I'm the villain in my own story."
Of all the things Takao could've said, Kise never expected that. He backs away from the door so that Takao can close it and change back to his own clothes.
When Takao emerges, it's with a meager smile. "I don't think I'll be getting these after all, Kise-chi."
"I thought I already told you this one's on me," Kise reminds him, nudging shoulders in an attempt to bring out a bigger smile from Takao.
"Nah, it's cool," Takao assures him, picking up the slew of shopping bags they've acquired so far. "You already got me all these other things. If I let you spoil me more, I might be obligated to date you or something…"
Kise's laugh is pure as he gathers his share of the bags, drawing the attention of every single store attendant (most of them wearing dreamy looks on their faces). "Fix things first with Midorimacchi before we talk about going on dates, okay?"
"You seriously believe I have a chance?" Takao asks as they exit the store.
Kise bestows him an all-knowing look. "And you don't?"
••••••••••••
The last thing Kuroko expects is a text from Takao asking to meet up after school. He assumes that Takao has sent the message to the wrong number and he has elected to ignore it until a second message arrives an hour later, telling him that Takao is outside the school gates, waiting. Kuroko has half a mind to forward the message trail to Kagami when his phone vibrates a third time, the screen declaring an incoming call.
Kuroko marks his page and vacates his table, slinging his bag over one shoulder as he exits the library and takes the call.
Takao's cheerful voice greets him the second he picks up. "Kuroko! You weren't replying so I got worried~"
Kuroko realizes this is as good a confirmation as any. "Takao-kun."
"Sorry that this is so sudden," Takao babbles. "But I need your expert advice real bad!"
"My… advice…" Kuroko echoes, feet leading him out the school building of their accord. He hardly considers himself an expert on anything (except passing, of course) to warrant people seeking out his thoughts. "On what subject?"
"Well, I think it's better if we talk about it face to face." Takao grins, pushing himself off the brick wall, alerted of Kuroko's approach. He looks around and beams wide, waving at the other teen. "I'm surprised you're not having practice…"
"Coach and the other third years were required to attend a career talk so practice was cancelled."
"Oh okay. Let's go, then."
Ending the call, Kuroko pockets his phone and comes up to his visitor. Standing this close, he can see how forced Takao's enthusiasm is, the faded darkness lining his eyes foretelling the nature of their discussion. Kuroko has an inkling of what this could be about. "Lead the way."
A couple of blocks from Seirin High School is a play park that's filled with children in the summer but is relatively abandoned during chilly weather. Takao forgoes the empty benches for the swings, leaning his bike on the main structure. He takes a seat and sways a little, recalling the speech he'd rehearsed on the way. Kuroko takes the swing beside him, feet together as he waits for the other to start.
Mist clouds over his mouth as he exhales, finally skidding to a stop. Takao looks Kuroko in the eyes, his optimism dissipating like the breath of courage he just took. "Considering that you voluntarily joined me, I'm keeping my hopes up that you don't want me dead. Unlike some people."
"You're exaggerating," Kuroko points out, bland as ever.
"Maybe." Takao gives a noncommittal shrug. "Let me just get to the point, okay? There is nothing going on between me and Tai-chan."
Kuroko blinks, slow, trying to gauge the sincerity in that declaration… and that nickname. The playful intimacy of it just rubs him the wrong way.
Faced with stony silence, Takao fidgets. "I mean, not anymore." He picks out the minute display of surprise in Kuroko's impassive features and hastily adds, "T-That's to say, we kind of had this thing – like, we hung out and occasionally played one-on-ones – but there wasn't anything romantic about those times. It was totally a friends thing. Until last Saturday, when Himuro totally ruined everything so we wanted to prove him wrong and maybe there was something not-so-platonic about what happened but–" Takao realizes he's word-vomiting and snaps his mouth shut before he digs himself a second (or is it his third?) grave.
"You're being exceptionally vague, Takao-kun," Kuroko comments after a beat of silence. The winter is slowly dwindling down to spring and soon, fresh grass will poke out through the icy sheet at their feet. He recalls the warmth of Kagami's hand around his own, drawing forth strength. "Let us do this properly, I will be asking the relevant questions and you will answer. Is that agreeable?"
Takao nods.
"When did your involvement with Kagami-kun start?"
"Late last spring. After that game when Tai-chan and the Miracles played three on three and it went to a double overtime." Takao found that it easier to come clean when Kuroko is leading the conversation. Unlike Kise who wants every single detail, Kuroko's interrogation is more objective… almost detachedly, so. Takao wonders what it would mean on Kagami's side of things. Their conversation last night was brief, though it might be a result of their respective losses taking its toll. Still, it was touching how Kagami continued to worry about him and he kind of feels bad now for finding solace in it.
"And it started because…?"
"Because we were stupid?" Takao decides to take a stab at lightening the mood but it falls short of bringing out more than a brief glint of amusement in Kuroko's eyes. Averting his gaze, Takao continues. "That and we kind of had… a problem… with you. Not you, specifically, but more of… the Miracles… in general." Kuroko's silence prompts him to elaborate. "I can't speak for Tai-chan, but for me it was jealousy. I see you guys together – all your walls unguarded – and I can't help feeling left out. I know my limits, I know where I stand but most of the time, it just hurts to know that I will never be at your level." He pauses for a breath and pushes off for a lazy swing, eyes up at the purple-orange sky. "I will never hold the same place in Shin-chan's eyes. This Generation of Miracles is something exclusive and I think, even if it's generally agreed that Tai-chan belongs with you guys, I think that he feels like an outlier. Just like me."
Kuroko had never considered that Kagami would be feeling lonely. Kagami is quite popular, as far he knows, though initially intimidating and afflicted with a basketball-centric mindset. The Kagami he knows is never without a hidden smile and is always up for a challenge, he doesn't have enemies because Kuroko is certain that whatever rivalries Kagami has it's rooted in good and trusty sportsmanship. So Kagami has rivals, teammates, friends, he has a mentor, a brother, he has Kuroko; for him to be lonely is simply unimaginable but apparently he is. And it is to Takao, of all people, that Kagami has chosen to reveal this secret.
"But as I've said," Takao speaks up when Kuroko's pensive silence stretches out too long. "We're just friends now."
Kuroko perks up, uttering his question to the darkening grounds. He thought they had made progress yesterday, him and Kagami. The Kagami that stood on court for the final half of the game is every bit the man that Kuroko has come to love. Even in defeat, after they have given their all for a chance at the championship, Kagami held his head high and Kuroko was proud to stand beside him, as is his rightful place. "What about before?"
"Before is something that will never happen again." Takao chooses his words carefully, aware of the focus lurking underneath the shadows of Kuroko's features. "We had a… shared understanding and got a little bit too involved no thanks to his meddling non-brother. So now I'm paying the consequences and I really need your advice."
"Does this have anything to do with your talk with Kagami-kun before our match with Rakuzan?"
A mirthless laugh escapes Takao. His swing slows to a stop and he fixes Kuroko with a sober gaze. "You saw that photo from Saturday, I assume?" At Kuroko's nod, he continues. "Figures. Everyone else did, assumptions were made and things got messed up. Long story short, I had a fight with Shin-chan after our game yesterday and, well, Kagami had become my go-to person for specifically Miracle-related problems… So I went to him and he talked some sense into me and when we were hugging it out Shin-chan saw us." Takao shivers at the memory of green eyes alight with fury staring him down. His grip on metal chains tighten, coldness seeping into his hands. "I don't know the first thing about getting Shin-chan's forgiveness."
Kicking off, Kuroko opens himself to the night air's embrace, hair whisked about his face. Only the sound of the swing's creaking joints break the silence between him and Takao who has followed suit. It's liberating to finally get the full picture even if it does little in clearing away his uncertainties. Breath fogging, Kuroko slows down and Takao does the same. Their eyes meet. "I'm sorry, Takao-kun, but I cannot say for certain what kind of apology would be most acceptable to Midorima-kun."
"But – you went to middle school together! You were on the same team for three years!" Takao exclaims, distraught. "Surely there've been fights or even disagreements of some sort!"
"There were," Kuroko admits. "But Midorima-kun is a pacifist and prefers to stay out of trouble in most situations. In any case, the solution lies not on whoever knew him the longest but on the one who knows him best."
Takao messes up his hair, making a frustrated sound as he does. "Well, shit. I am definitely screwed."
"And why is that?"
"Because if there's anyone who hates me more than Shin-chan does right now, it's probably Akashi," Takao states bitterly. "Just between you and me, Kuroko, there is no bigger threat to my peace of mind than the idea of Akashi Seijuro's utter disproval of me being Shin-chan's partner. Was their breakup really that bad that he can't move on?"
Kuroko manages a polite smile. "They were never in a romantic relationship, Takao-kun. I will not presume to put a label on what it is exactly but it is undeniable that the feeling is mutual."
"Then what the hell am I even fighting for?" Takao complains to the descending dusk. The heavy air cloaks him and he kicks at the fallen snow, petulant.
"Only you can answer that, Takao-kun," Kuroko says, hopping off his swing and adjusting the bag strap over his shoulder. It wouldn't be fair if he just hands over the answer, not when the depth of Kagami and Takao's "friendship" had just dealt him a disconcerting awakening. Besides, from what he has seen of the Shutoku tandem, Kuroko is certain that Midorima treats his shadow more specially than the rest. It's different from how Midorima used to tail Akashi in middle school. With Takao, Midorima has someone to walk beside him – not to lead or to follow but to stand on equal footing. Kuroko expects him to value a person more than his ridiculous lucky items because if Midorima doesn't, then he wouldn't be the only losing side in their complicated situation.
Sensing that their little talk has come to its end, Takao straightens up as well. He sighs, "Maybe it'll come to me in a dream. Anyway, thanks for seeing me."
"Don't mention it. Though I have to ask, why aren't you in uniform?"
"Skipped school," Takao answers flippantly, going over to his bicycle. "Shin-chan probably doesn't want to see my face anyway. I had lunch with Kise-chi, then we went shopping – oh, that reminds me." Takao takes a wrapped package from the basket upfront. "I got you this – actually, it's more like Kise-chi and I but, anyway – here."
Kuroko opens the small paper bag to find a pair of cuffs, the dark leather material contrasting against his pale complexion.
"It reminded us of those sweatbands you wear during games," Takao explains gleefully. "Accessorizing is fun, y'know? Kise wanted to get you a studded pair but I told him there's no way you'd wear something so flashy… Not yet at least."
"Thank you for the gift, I'll find an occasion to wear them properly," Kuroko says with a tiny grin. "Though I have to ask you not to turn me into Kise-kun's next makeover project."
Takao laughs. "Funnily enough, Kise-chi did mention something like that."
They reach the sidewalk where the pedestrian signal tells them not to cross just yet. Takao sets up his bike, ready to ride off at the next signal change when Kuroko tugs at his sleeve.
"One last thing, Takao-kun." Kuroko's eyes gleam with the brisk intensities of passing traffic, warm bursts of lights streaking over his pale features. He's not sure if he has a right to know but the curiosity in him is burning. Given the nature of their talk just now, he has decided to believe in Takao's honesty. He also knows now of Takao's true potential as a rival, so he really has to ask – "In your conversations with Kagami-kun, has he mentioned special interest in… someone?"
Sitting atop his bike, Takao lights up with a smile at the question. "Matter of fact he did." He lifts one hand from gripping the handlebars and gives his fellow shadow a pat on the head. "Good luck, Tetsu-chan!"
Kuroko goes still at the nickname, a warm flush rising unbidden under his skin as he lets go of Takao's sleeve in surprise. Names are not supposed to be used so carelessly, so casually, but Takao does it with easy grace and confidence. Traits that Kuroko envies and admires in equal measure. In a blink, Takao is gone, pedaling away with the green lights clearing his path. Everyone else is crossing to the other side, walking fast to reach the adjacent sidewalk before the lights change again. Kuroko pats his hair back into place and moves forward, moves in the opposite direction from where Takao is going, knowing they still have a long road ahead of them.
The third place battle for the Winter Cup is the day after tomorrow.