Hinata ~ A Distant, Fading Dream
Part Three ~ Distant Dreams
Dreams. Hinata once thought of them as a driving force that could help anyone achieve their true potential. She thought she learned from her beloved Naruto that having a dream made one an unstoppable force, ploughing forward no matter what lay ahead. But she discovered in the most brutal of ways that dreams have the potential to be both a strength and a weakness; when one has a dream, they are motivated to strive for excellence; nothing can hinder that journey to the final goal. But at the same time, dreams can be the cause of failure, making one question why they are even alive. To lose the dream is to lose ones' self, because with nothing to aim for, nothing to achieve, there is no meaning to that person's existence.
Hyuga Hinata lost her dream. Since she stumbled upon that heartbreaking scene in the medic tent nearly three days ago, Hinata had been restless, trying to think of any horrible thing she must have done to have her Naruto taken from her. But the snide voice in her head knew the exact reason, and never hesitated to mockingly echo it in her mind when she was at her lowest. This wasn't karma, or the work of some higher power. The reason was simple:
Hinata was weak.
She didn't have the strength to fight for her dreams, could never seize the moment when it came her way. She simply could not take the initiative, allowing life's many wondrous opportunities to pass her by, and then regretting it later down the road. Her early life had been nothing but regret and woe, more so after Naruto was separated from her during the incident.
Many fortuitous events occurred around her, but she was never a part of them, merely swept along as other people grabbed those opportunities. Hinata thought her weakness defined her; that without it, she wouldn't be the person she is now. She believed that because of her lack of courage, there was no way she could ever change her future.
Self-doubt is a horrible feeling, and without Naruto by her side, encouraging her with that bright grin of his, she was convinced that the strength she had when she was with him was forever lost, trapped in another time when life was much more simple.
When they were kids, life had been easier. There was no pressure to start a relationship with him, since she was the only one who thought of him in that way. Young Hinata thought that she would have all the time in the world, and that she was comfortable in her relationship with Naruto at the time. But all it took was a hug to ruin the best times of her life, and because she failed to muster up the courage to admit her feelings to him, she lost her closest friend.
Hinata wasn't the only one suffering from the incident. Naruto took it hard as well, and in the months after, behind his bright false grin and cheerful demeanour lurked an immeasurable depth of sadness, laid bare for the observant to see in his darkened blue eyes. Naruto depended on Hinata for emotional support, but unlike her, no one was willing to show the orphan boy any love or friendship or any form of positive encouragement to alleviate the pain that only the lonely knew.
Hinata reluctantly moved on after the incident, mainly thanks to the friendship shown to her by Sakura, Ino and Tenten. She didn't have a choice, they wouldn't let her stay depressed, claiming she was one of those people that could not be left alone.
Naruto had probably noticed that about Hinata as well; he had never left her side at school unless something was unavoidable. During their brief friendship, he cared for her like no one had since her mother passed away. He knew then that she depended heavily on him and as she had noticed during their genin years, he hadn't forgotten it either.
~H~
Hyuga Hinata was worried, so worried in fact that her old nervous habit of pressing her index fingers together had returned. Kurenai-sensei had given them the choice of taking the Chunin Exam by saying that if one member was not feeling confident, then choosing not to take the exam was fine. What she didn't say was that if one member didn't participate, then neither could the other two members of the team. It was a hidden test to find out how dedicated each member of Team Eight was to improving and becoming stronger, and the young Hyuga heiress was panicking.
Hinata had figured out the implied meaning behind her sensei's words, even if Kiba didn't. But he had already made up his mind, so the choice fell solely upon Hinata. Shino made no indication that he had understood, but Hinata knew that he was smart; it didn't take him long to look underneath the underneath, as a good ninja should. And Shino was dedicated to improving himself not only in his clan's techniques but as a shinobi of Konohagakure as well, so his participation in the exam was extremely likely.
Hinata had left their team meeting feeling a great deal of pressure weighing down on her shoulders. If she chose not to show up for the test, then her teammates would be disappointed and possibly angry with her for her lack of courage. On the other hand, she really wasn't sure if she was ready. How could someone as weak as her take on a monumental challenge like the Chunin exams?
Her aimless wandering took her all over the village. As she made her way along the main street of Konoha, becoming increasing flustered as she failed to come to a concrete decision, she yelped when a hand reached out and grabbed her jacket, yanking her through a row of small curtains.
The hand released the soft fabric of her jacket, moving to and patting a stool in front of a polished wooden counter. Hinata's eyes slowly moved from the hand to the sleeve of the mystery person's jacket... a jacket she recognized at once. Her heart skipped a beat as the familiar shade of orange of her former best friend's jumpsuit and the smell of freshly prepared ramen registered in her senses.
She was standing inside Ichiraku Ramen, and as her gaze slowly rose to meet his own, she found herself staring into the dazzling cerulean eyes of Uzumaki Naruto. He grinned widely, a sincere grin that she hadn't seen on his face in a long time as he leaned towards her. "Hey, I remember you!" he whispered. "You're the girl from the forest right? Do you remember me?"
Hinata could feel tears welling up in her eyes as the memory of their meeting on his first day of school flashed through her mind. All she could do was nod as a smile of her own formed on her lips, a feeling of warmth and joy banishing the anxiety in her heart.
Naruto chuckled. "Still don't talk much do you?" Hinata shook her head and opened her mouth to speak. What came out could only be described as a squeak, making the dark haired girl seem more mouse-like than ever. Naruto laughed and ruffled her hair as Ayame approached the two to ask for Hinata's order.
After the brunette had left, chuckling to herself as Naruto asked her for his fifth serving, Hinata turned to Naruto, who was staring longingly into his empty ramen bowl. "N-Naruto-kun?"
He faced her with a gentle smile. "Yeah?"
Hinata swallowed nervously. "W-Why are you doing this?" Naruto's face took on a look of mock sadness that tugged at her heartstrings. She had seen his truly upset expressions before, and his current look, fake as it might have been, was a painful reminder of how lonely her former best friend was. A hurt tone in his voice only added to the ache in Hinata's heart but she persevered. Naruto knew it wasn't safe to be seen with her so why was he offering to have lunch with her?
"What? Can't a guy have lunch with an old friend? That's mean Hinata-chan." his smile faded as Hinata turned her face away, hands clasped tightly in her lap and eyes cast in shadow. Her heart leapt when he added the '-chan' suffix, but she pushed the thought aside. There was far too much at stake here to be thinking about silly things like honorifics.
She began to mumble quietly, staring intently at the scuffed countertop. "Naruto-kun, it... It isn't safe for us to be together, for either of us. I think I should probably leave before someone sees us-" she was cut off as Naruto gently clasped her cheek, turning her face towards him.
"Hinata-chan, I miss you." her heart stopped for a brief moment, before beginning to beat furiously. Her face assumed the completion of a tomato, and she found that she couldn't take her eyes off of his.
But he wasn't finished. His tender gaze was tinged with sadness as he spoke. "These last few years have been the worst. Without you I... I haven't felt truly happy for so long."
"Naruto-kun..."
"Do you remember how hard I worked just to get any attention in the Academy? How I had to act like a complete idiot just to get someone, anyone, to realize that I exist?" Hinata nodded, feeling her eyes tear up. Naruto had pulled all sorts of harmless pranks, but the other students laughter was directed at him, not with him. Sure, he seemed to take it in stride, but Hinata could see that it was an act. His grin, no matter how convincing it was, never reached his eyes.
His fake grin was plastered on his face now; he wiped away her tears with his thumb, keeping up appearances for her sake. "Ah, don't worry about it Hinata-chan! Those days are in the past. I have a team now and a really cool sensei, who's always late and..."
His voice petered out as he realized that his words were having no effect on the Hyuga heiress. His grin slowly slipped off his face, and he removed his hand from her cheek, clasping her hand in both of his. Hinata's pale eyes met his own; she could see that she was worrying him.
"Look Hinata-chan I just... wanted to be with you for a little while. Plus," a mischievous grin lit up his face, a real one this time. "Neji and your father would never come here. They're too full of themselves... No offense." he added quickly.
Hinata giggled despite herself. "None taken Naruto-kun."
"So what do you say? Will you let me treat you to some ramen?" she could see how much he had missed her. It was right there in his eyes. There was no way she could say no, even if she wanted to. He wanted to spend time with her again! She was feeling a little faint; she had been waiting for this for years. To finally spend time with Naruto again... It was all happening too fast. But she couldn't faint now; she would never forgive herself if she let this opportunity slip away.
"Y-Yes..." she couldn't say anything more, her face was flushed and she was flustered to the point where it was hard to breathe, let alone speak, but Naruto understood how she felt, grinning widely at her. He always understood her, like no one else ever could.
'After all this time, he still cares about me. Thank you, Naruto-kun.'
Hinata wandered away from the ramen stall in a daze, a smile still on her lips. She had spent a few happy hours with Naruto, laughing and enjoying herself as she only could with the blonde-haired boy. She wrapped her arms lightly around herself, remembering the warm hug Naruto had given her as they parted ways. This was their second hug; the first had been on the day when her father had ordered her to never see Naruto again.
A slight chill ran up her spine, dampening her good mood for a brief moment. Her father, if he found out about today, would definitely hurt Naruto... But there was no way he would find out...
Hopefully...
Even with such dark thoughts running through her mind, her mood refused to stay glum for long. Her smile crept back onto her lips, bright and happy and most certainly an unusual sight on the Hyuga heiress' face. She could still feel Naruto's warmth around her, a phantom hug that kept her in high spirits for the rest of the day. Naruto was right, neither her father nor Neji would go to Ichiraku Ramen. It wasn't as if their hugs were an omen of bad things to come, were they?
Unfortunately for the two friends, it seemed that they were.
Hinata had been with Sakura, Ino and Tenten when she heard the news. It was the evening before the Chunin Exams, and the four friends had gathered together at Ino's insistence to discuss the merits of taking the test. Hinata wisely chose not to bring up her secret lunchtime rendezvous with Naruto earlier that day; Ino was famous for being the gossip queen amongst the Konoha genin.
The four kunoichi stood on a small bridge over the river, the one that wove through the left border of the village, framed on either side by beautiful cherry blossoms. Ino nodded pointedly at Sakura, who was watching the water flow by, a distant look in her eyes.
"Well Forehead? What did you decide?"
Sakura slowly turned towards Ino, a deceptively sweet smile on her face and an angrily pulsing vein on her temple. "I decided I'm going to do it Ino-Pig. I can't bear the thought of Sasuke-kun going into the exams with only that idiot Naruto with him-"
"Naruto-kun is not an idiot!" All four girls wore identical expressions of shock. As her friends turned towards her, Hinata regretted speaking out. She hadn't meant to, but she felt a strong need to defend her beloved. It wasn't that she regretted sticking up for the blonde; rather it was the teasing she would have to endure that had her wincing under Sakura, Ino, and Tenten's curious gazes.
"Oh? Is that so Hinata-chan?" Ino's words carried a teasing tone that made Hinata blush and avert her eyes. "Could it be that you have a crush on Uzumaki Naruto?" she flipped her platinum blonde hair over her shoulder with a well-practiced flick of her head, preparing to taunt poor Hinata with a barrage of embarrassing questions in the way that only she could.
However, before Ino could say a word, Tenten stepped up to Hinata's side, placing a hand on her shoulder and glaring at Ino disapprovingly. "Leave her alone Ino, she's delicate." Hinata eyes refused to look up from her feet, but she was grateful for Tenten's support. Her cheeks were still flushed and it was all she could do to keep it from spreading across her face.
Ino huffed and turned her face away from the weapons mistress in training, an exaggerated pout on her lips. "I wasn't going to go too far you know... Anyway Sakura, you were saying?"
"Uh, yeah," Sakura glanced over at Hinata before continuing. "I think I'm going to take the test. Sasuke-kun is miles ahead of me where skill is concerned; it's all I can do just to keep up. And even Naruto is improving; he did pretty well on that last mission to Wave Country. If I can pass this test, I won't have to look at their backs as they stride ahead on the road of improvement without me, I can be there right beside them every step of the way." she turned to her friends, jade eyes shining with determination.
Ino simply stared at Sakura with a deadpan gaze. "W-What?" Sakura asked, feeling a little self-conscious.
"It was a 'yes' or 'no' question Forehead. Gosh." Sakura scowled and mumbled some very colourful words under her breath as Ino turned to Tenten. "And you?"
"Oh I'm definitely taking it this year. Guy-sensei held our team back last time because he didn't think we were ready. We've got a whole years' worth of training in and I'm feeling pretty confident." a kunai flashed into her hand from out of nowhere and she began to spin it around her finger, winking at Ino. "But you guys have only had a couple of high rank missions haven't you? Are you sure you're ready?" her words held a hint of a challenge, daring her three friends to accept.
"Oh you bet I am! My good-for-nothing teammates wouldn't do anything if I wasn't there." she sighed wistfully. "Oh, if only I was on Sasuke-kun's team, I'd even put up with Uzumaki Naruto just to be near that heartthrob!"
Sakura suddenly perked up, suddenly remembering something interesting. "Oh yeah, did you hear? Naruto was admitted to hospital this afternoon."
For Hinata, the world seemed to freeze. Her previous embarrassment left her immediately and she stared determinedly into Sakura's emerald eyes. "What happened?" she asked sharply, cutting through Ino and Tenten's mildly concerned responses.
"I, uh," Sakura was slightly disorientated by the change in Hinata's demeanour. The quiet girl with the dark blue hair was suddenly all business, emanating determination and urgency. "Well, I heard from Kakashi-sensei that Naruto was injured during training or something. That idiot doesn't even know his own limits-"
"How badly injured was he?" Hinata's steely gaze was focused entirely on the pink haired girl, who was utterly perplexed over the change in the timid girl's personality.
"I don't know exactly... But Kakashi-sensei said he might not be able to make it for the Chunin Exams... Oh!" she clicked her fingers excitedly as she recalled the conversation. "Naruto had a practice sparring match with one of your teammates Tenten! I think it was Hinata's cousin, um, what's his name, Neji I think."
"Really?" asked Tenten. "I wouldn't imagine Neji helping out anyone if it didn't benefit himself. I mean, Lee and I are barely a challenge for him, so what chance does Uzumaki have? I- Hinata?!"
Hinata had collapsed, falling hard onto her knees. Naruto hadn't been training with Neji, he had been attacked! If only she had known this would happen, she would have never agreed to lunch. It was a moment of weakness on her part, and the pleading look in Naruto's eyes was impossible to say no to, not to mention that she had really wanted to spend some time with him as well.
She covered her face with her hands, barely aware of her friend's concerned questions. It was all her fault. Naruto had been hurt because of her own selfishness. She still depended on Naruto, and he was more than willing to look out for her, no matter what the consequences were. But it mattered to her, and even though she was fully aware of what would happen if they were seen together, she still accepted his invitation! She should have known that Neji would find out; he was occasionally tasked with watching over her when she was alone.
Tears threatened to seep from her eyes as she was reminded of how weak she still was. She didn't have it in her to say no, even if it was to protect Naruto. She still allowed him to take her by the hand, to look after her like no one else would. She was unable to make it on her own and she despised herself for it. Her weakness was not only coming between herself and her dream, it was also hurting her dream.
Hinata slowly removed her hands from her face, gazing into her tear-stained palms. Sakura, Ino and Tenten were rubbing her back and whispering words of comfort that fell on deaf ears.
She stared numbly at the glistening tears collected in each hand. In the end, all she did was cry. She would look to Naruto to be inspired, to be motivated to work harder or to just be comforted by his wide grin and fiery spirit, never actually trying to solve her problems with her own strength. And that was the problem. As long as Naruto was around, she would continue to lean on him, to use his strength as her own. While it was true that Naruto was her motivator, the person she aspired to be like, in the end she wasn't using her own strength to solve her problems, instead fully relying on his kindness and compassion.
Maybe now was the time to start.
She slowly closed her fists, watching the liquid seep between her closed fingers and down the sides of her slender hands. Maybe her father was right. As much as she hated to admit it, cutting Naruto out of her life would be the best course of action, for his safety and her own sanity. Naruto wasn't the type to leave people like her alone. While she loved him for that trait, it would only bring him pain in the end.
What she needed to do was to see him. To see what she had inflicted on her beloved. To know that her current actions were having a detrimental effect on her Naruto. She was just a burden to him, always being looked after and protected by him. If she could convince herself to break her bonds with Naruto, she would be protecting him from her father and Neji. He would be able to stride forward on his road to becoming Hokage without having to look back to see if she was keeping up. She would have to watch him from a distance, but it would be enough for her to get by. His strength was her strength, so watching him rise to the top would undoubtedly be the motivation Hinata would need to become a powerful ninja and a strong person.
'I want to become a great shinobi, strong like my father and kind like my mother!'
Remembering her childhood goal, she abruptly stood up, making her friends jump. Then she began to sprint, running like she never had before. Everything around her blurred into the background: the streetlights, the sounds of her friends calling to her and the villagers milling about. As she leapt onto a nearby rooftop, the Konoha General Hospital was the only thing in her sights and only one sentence was on her mind, repeating over and over again like a mantra.
'I need to see Naruto-kun!'
When Hinata landed on the windowsill of the room that one of the nurses in the courtyard had told her was Naruto's, she was very much surprised to find the very boy she was looking for standing face to face with her on the other side, interrupted in the act of sneaking out.
Both Hinata and Naruto yelled out in surprise and both began to tumble backwards from the windowsill. However, while Naruto landed with a bump on the cold tiled floor of his room, Hinata began a life-endangering descent from the fifth floor of the hospital to the ground. Luckily for her, Naruto was blessed with the quick thinking and fast reflexes that allowed him to leap from the floor to the windowsill and quickly grab her flailing wrists.
"Gotcha!" he grunted, bracing himself against the windowsill and slowly tugging the young girl upwards. Hinata sighed loudly with relief, before mentally berating herself. She was doing it again! She was relying on Naruto to, very literally, catch her whenever she fell.
She placed the soles of her feet against the smooth white wall of the hospital and slowly directed the correct amount of chakra to attach herself firmly to the wall. She gently shook herself free of Naruto's grip, slowly straightening up until she was standing horizontally upright. Naruto poked his head over the small ledge outside his window, cutting through the beam of light from the newly risen moon. She noticed that the sun had set during her mad dash over the rooftops of Konoha, and a full moon surrounded by a sea of stars was shining down, casting the village in an ethereal light.
"Hinata? Wow, you've done the tree climbing exercise too? It took me so long to perfect it, even Sasuke-teme had trouble with it!" he was smiling at her as usual, but right now, smiling was the last thing on Hinata's mind. Even though his face was cast in shadow due to the moon being directly overhead, layers of clean white bandages wrapped around his head and face were gleaming in the pale moonlight. A thick pad of gauze was taped over his left eye and another was attached to his cheek, surrounded by severe dark bruising.
She winced as she pictured Neji inflicting all those injuries on poor Naruto as she walked carefully up the wall, stepping tentatively on to the windowsill before landing lightly in a cat-like crouch on the floor of Naruto's room. She stood immediately and faced Naruto, willing herself to look at what she had caused.
He was dressed only in his usual orange pants. The top half of his body was covered in more bandages and his left arm was in a cast. As she spotted the empty sling hanging around his neck, she realized that he had caught her as she tumbled off the windowsill with a broken wrist. A sharp stab of guilt rent through her heart, and she began to press her index fingers together as she struggled to come to terms with what she was about to do.
"Hinata-chan? Hey, what's...?" he stopped speaking as Hinata moved closer to him and placed her hands on his chest. She began to push him back towards the bed, gently but firmly. He barely resisted; Hinata knew that he could see her tear-streaked cheeks glistening in the moonlight. He let her gently seat him on the edge of the thin mattress and willingly got into bed without a single complaint.
Hinata began to fuss with his blanket, tucking it in securely but not too tightly, in case she aggravated one of his numerous injuries. As she straightened up, she could feel Naruto's eyes on her, silently questioning her actions. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, before turning to Naruto and beginning to speak.
"Naruto-kun, you are my closest friend. It's thanks to you that I have become the person I am today." He kept his eyes on her, barely blinking to show her that he was listening intently. She continued, barely noticing that her stutter was mysteriously absent.
"I've learned a lot from you. You are a shining example of true determination. By watching you, by being with you, I've learned that if I don't give up, no matter how many times I fail, that if I try my best then even I will eventually succeed... And prove to others and to myself that I am worth something."
He continued to watch her, waiting for the clearly important thing she wished to say. Hinata steeled herself to drop the bombshell on him. She had come this far, she couldn't turn back now. Both their futures rested on the decision she made today, and she had to go through with it.
"Even though I've got so much more to learn from you, and even though there's so much more I need to improve on, I can't continue like this if it means you will be hurt."
Naruto's eyes widened before he forced a reassuring smile on his face. "Huh? No no, you've got it all wrong! I was training and-"
"Stop!" he was doing it again, acting cheerful so that she wouldn't worry. "Please, Naruto-kun... I know that you were attacked, I heard it from Sakura-san even if she didn't quite understand what 'training' with Neji meant."
His smile slowly faded away, and his face took on a fatigued look. "So what are you trying to say Hinata-chan?"
"I want to end our friendship, to sever our bond permanently."
Naruto began to protest loudly until Hinata placed a slender finger on his lips, shushing him gently. She leaned towards him, whispering softly. "I know it's hard and painful, and I know you don't care if Neji and my father hurt you but I do. It hurts me to see you in pain because of me, even when there was something I could do to prevent it. Don't you see Naruto-kun? This is the best way for both of us. I don't want to see you like this again, all bandaged up in a hospital bed; I want to see you training hard, trying your best and never giving up on your road to becoming the Hokage. So please," tears welled up in her eyes and streaked down her cheeks, dripping on to Naruto's whisker marks. "Don't make this harder than it needs to be. Forget about me if you can, but I will always remember you. I'll be watching you from afar, so promise me that you will continue to be the person I admire."
She placed her hands on the sides of his head and gently kissed his forehead. "How could I ever forget you?" he whispered hoarsely.
Hinata stood up, gazed at his face one last time with a sad smile on her lips, and began to sprint to the window. She could hear Naruto yelling out her name and desperately tried to block it out. His face was burned into her mind's eye; she could see the tears in his own eyes as she leapt head first out of the window and into the cool night air.
As she landed on a nearby rooftop, she glanced back against her better judgement, hoping that Naruto would come chasing after her. But she knew it was impossible; she had used the special Hyuga technique of closing off chakra points to render Naruto immobile as she tucked him in. She had secretly tapped the tenketsu in his joints, making sure he wouldn't leave his bed for a good while.
She stood upon the rooftop for a single moment, wiping the tears from her eyes. Then she turned towards the Hokage Monument. She had a lot of heavy things on her mind, and a lot of thinking to do. She began to leap towards the stone likenesses of the past and present Hokages, barely aware of her surroundings. Hyuga Hinata was ready to stand on her own two feet.
It was time to face the first milestone in her career as a ninja: the Chunin Exams.
~H~
The parade was nearly at the village gate. As the present day Hinata watched, the villagers began a very messy turnabout, trying to lead the parade back towards the Hokage Monument. Even though the main street was nothing but a mass of moving bodies getting in each other's way, no one seemed to mind. Faint sounds of laughter echoed through the village as the parade began its long march back the way it had come.
When Hinata decided to break her bond with Naruto, her life, very much like the parade, began a long trip backwards, erasing nearly all of the progress she had made developing as a person. It had been a mistake, though she had not known it at the time. She had done it for Naruto's sake, so that at least one of them could have had a future.
It was a sad fact that Hinata, because of one simple decision, very nearly ruined her dream. Luckily for her, Uzumaki Naruto was not the type to leave a person in need alone. Right up to the Chunin Exams, the blonde jinchuriki was right there for her, every step of the way, even if she didn't realize it. He kept watch from a distance, making sure to honour the promise Hinata had asked of him. He made sure to live up to his ninja way, and to be the person that Hinata admired.
Bright flashes and loud bangs indicated the liberal use of cheap fire crackers. One could only imagine the amount of cleaning up that would occur the next day. But right now, celebrating the end of the war was the only thing going on in most of the villager's minds...
...Except for Hinata, and unknown to her, one other person. This person had more on their mind than just simply enjoying the festivities. They were in the centre of the celebrations, yet they were distanced from it, separated by lonely thoughts and a deep longing for a friend they lost long ago.