It was hot. Really, really hot. So hot that the walk from the kitchen to the upstairs door of Doc's, just a few yards, felt like miles once I was weighed down with so many decorations for Mr. Strider's surprise party. By the time I was halfway up the spiral staircase, I was wishing the game my friends and I had started playing recently, SBURB, was a real thing instead of just a dumb roleplay game. Then, at least, I could use my newfound powers as Heir of Breath to cool myself down. As it was, I had trouble turning the knob of the door at the top, because my hands were all gross and sweaty.
I blamed puberty, more than anything.
I dumped the boxes of stuff right by the door and leaped back down, excited to meet up with some of my friends who were at the diner. Dad was there, too, of course, but mostly we'd asked him to help because of his overwhelming Tallness Attribute. Seriously, the man was tall. I doubted my genes sometimes, when I compared our heights. Then, of course, Jane wasn't much taller than me. Maybe I should bring that particular mystery up with her, I thought as I surveyed the diner. So many Trolls! Of course, she would probably ruin it with her weird detective fetish.
Rose was there, deep in conversation with the lovely-yet-scary Kanaya. They were surrounded by so many books, it was like a scene out of 10 Things I Hate About You, or something. I decided to join my good pal Karkat instead; I didn't want to get sucked into one of Rose's monologues about mental hygene or whatever.
As it turned out, though, Karkat was with his girlfriend, Terezi. They were sharing like seven thousand french fries, though I use the term "sharing" very loosely, because it looked to me that Karkat was eating all the fries and Terezi was just eating the ketchup.
"Hey, guys!" I said, approaching them with the expectation they would be happy to see me. I was wrong, it turned out.
"Oh, hey, John," Karkat said, as I pulled up a chair from another table. "Do you think you could, possibly, oh, I don't know, maybe go bother some other really busy 'chums' of yours, instead of soaking our collective fatigue boxes with your incessant inexpletives?"
"Like that's a word," I snorted, noticing Terezi's unusual green hue. "Terezi, you alright?"
"Fine," she hissed, like a snake giving birth to scorpions. "I'm frantically clawing my uncooperative prey-lookers with delight at seeing you, John. Haha. 'Seeing'. I'm fucking fine, why does everybody keep asking me that?"
Her words were as harsh as the relentless heat. "Jeez, sorry. You just looked a little... teal in the face, there."
"That's what I've been saying," Karkat said, eyeing me imploringly. "You'd think, wouldn't you, that forceful expulsions of one's churnsack into the local flora would cause one to admit, finally, that something is wrong, especially to one's matesprit, but oh, no, she's fine."
"You puked in the bushes?" I asked, incredulous both at the situation and at the fact that a year ago I would have had no idea what Karkat had just said. "Terezi, maybe you should see a doctor or something..."
"Do you want to go complete forensic tests on the stuff yourself?" she growled, digging into her shoulder bag and pulling out a silver flask. "There aren't any Troll doctors, goofus, because no Troll would be stupid enough to give another Troll a knife and expect to keep the not-terrible-smelling aroma that comes hand-in-hand with being alive. Besides," she took a drink, then shivered, grimacing. "I've got it under control."
Karkat rolled his eyes, turning to me. "She's impossible! But," he squinted suspiciously at me, "not as impossible as I'm sure you're going to be, on Saturday."
"Oh, my dear, doubting Thomas," I said, clapping him endearingly on the shoulder. "It's going to be awesome! I can't wait, personally."
"Wait," Terezi said, sniffing towards me. "What's on Saturday? Who's Thomas? Are you cheating on me, Karkles!?"
"Of course not," he spat. "Jegus, Terezi, calm your rumble spheres. The Human and I have plans to exchange some of the finer points of our cultures, that's all. He's going to make me watch some Human movies, and i'm sure they're going to be loathsome."
"Loathsome!? I beg your pardon, Mr. Vantas, but it is your movies which, I'm certain, will prove to be detestable," I said, in the most offended, snooty, and British accent I could muster.
"What are you doing with your voice," Terezi said, pointing to my right. "Stop that."
I did stop, but only because I was bumped into pretty hard from behind just then by someone who turned out to be a tallish guy in a black and white waitress uniform.
"Oh, hey," he said, sounding sort of nervous and trembly. He was acting weird, too, what with the way he was glancing everywhere twice.
"We've already got a waitress, Mr. cheese bread," Terezi said, pressing the heel of her hand to her forehead like she had a headache or something.
"Oh, right. Of course, sorry about that, John," the guy said. His nametag said ANDREW, but he didn't really look like an "Andrew" to me. He sort of had one of those faces.
"Uh, yeah. I don't know you," I said.
"Right." He crossed his arms, shoulders hunched, and glanced over his shoulder. "Sorry, random diner patron I don't know anything about. Don't mind me. Please, go back to discussing Terezi's new hobby. I mean. Shit."
He wandered off then, looking lost and a little scared.
"Goddamn time travelers," Karkat spat. "It's not like we're having a bitch enough of a time just dealing with this hideous clusterfuck of a racial orgy, wading through the endless incestsludge everyone keeps spewing every time they look at each other, now we have to deal with this sort of semipotent bullshit as well, like for some reason everyone on both our planets just threw up our hands all at the same time like a fucking rave, or wave, shit, I forget which one. Which is it when everyone throws their various limbs in the air with no regard to how completely idiotic they look, usually due to some favorable outcome or a command from an unknown entity?"
"Could be either," I said, helping myself to their fries. "I think you mean a wave, though. Are you thinking sporting events or strobe lights?"
"I don't even care anymore," he said. "Why does your stupid Human planet have such unbearably shitty weather, by the way? I can feel my snort barrels catching fire."
"So you two are both going to be busy on Saturday?" Terezi asked, holding the presumably cool side of her flask to her forehead. "And just what am I supposed to do while you two revel in your respective complimentary juices?"
"Well, I would say you could come with, but we agreed not to watch any Alternian films until next weekend, so obviously joining us this week will just be a massive shitheap waste of time," Karkat said.
"But you can come, if you want," I said. "First we're going to watch Ghostbusters one and two, and then maybe Raising Arizona. That one is from pretty early in Nick Cage's career, back before he brushed his hair as much. Way before Con-Air, probably. I already got Vriska to watch that one and she really liked it, so maybe you will too? You guys hang out a lot, right?"
She grinned and drank more from her flask. "Sure," she said, sounding pretty insincere. "We hang out just about as much as Pyralspite and I do. Which is plenty, thanks for your concern," she added, probably realizing neither of her gentlemanly companions knew who Pyralspite was. "Anyway, I'm actually not interested in joining you two; I think I'll have my shamecrushers full that day."
Karkat stared at her for a moment, then shrugged. "Whatever, your gain, I guess. Whatever this 'Raising Arizona' bullshit is about, I'm probably going to regret ever agreeing to watch it once I have. If the title is anything to judge by, as it usually is on Alternia, it's going to be about something distasteful and Human and ultimately disgusting and anatomy-related."
I shrugged. "Not really. It's about two criminals who steal a baby."
I didn't see Dave coming, but Terezi did. I noticed her raise her head in the direction of the soda counter and, following her gaze (i guess), saw Dave walking slightly less stoically than usual towards the door.
I jumped up to intercept him, following him outside, where it was, impossibly, even hotter. "Hey, Dave!"
"'Sup," he said, like he wasn't upset at all. I would have been fooled if I hadn't known him for as long as I could remember.
"Hey," I said, "So, Jane is throwing a party for Mr. Stri... I mean, Dirk, today after the diner closes, for his robots, and that bill thing that passed. She said I could bring a friend, so do you think you could come?"
He cocked his head, more like twitched it, really, like there was an annoying fly or something. "Yeah, I don't really think I'll be making much of an effort to show up to something like that, sorry. You know, us stoic guys have got an image to uphold, and all that nonsense. You wouldn't understand, being the all-around likable guy you always manage to be."
"Are you sure?" I was getting a feeling in my stomach, like there was something going on beneath it all, something I didn't quite understand. To be fair, I got that feeling a lot. "I don't have anyone else to ask, you know, because everyone has a girlfriend or a hate date or something and I don't really want to be the only one I can talk to there..."
His mouth did a thing, like one half of it got chopped off. "Yeah. Sorry. Maybe next time. You know, I just have way too many irons in the fire, etcetera, etcetera, for those metal assholes. Anyway, I'm gonna go make out with a Troll or something, I don't even know. Catch you later, okay?"
Then he fistbumped me and left, and the pit in my stomach growled with helpless confusion. It was like everyone around me was having a life and I was trapped in an endless loop of heroic stupidity.
I shrugged and headed back inside.
.
It was boring hanging out at the diner with no friends to talk to. Karkat had shooed me off upon my re-entry, saying we would have enough time to make useless niceties on Saturday, so could I pretty fucking please give a guy and his matesprit some space. Rose and her ladyfriend Kanaya were deep in conversation that included paging through massive volumes of dusty texts and really big words and completely unironic utterings of the phrase "your mom", and to be honest they were kind of weirding me out. Jade and Tavros and Nepeta were there, huddled over manuals and character sheets and stuff, and Eridan was there, too, guzzling soda after soda and looking sort of lost.
As the afternoon wore on, and the diner became less and less crowded, I watched the way people behaved around each other, and around themselves. Earlier, when I had been chatting with Karkat, Terezi had been hostile and grumpy. It seemed suspicious to me when, an hour later, he left and she stayed, and her whole demeanor became more relaxed. Fifteen minutes later, she was gone. I didn't see her leave, but her bag was still there, by the table, so I suspected she hadn't gone far.
Eridan never moved from his lonely booth, except to order more and more soda. He never once got up to pee, though, which I thought was pretty awe-inspiring, considering the mountain of paper cups he was accumulating.
Then there were the evening-shifters. For some reason, even though the diner closed at around ten, there was a whole set of employees that came in once the sun began to set. There was Rufioh, who had to work late because his incredible horns and wings were too much for a crowded diner. There was Meenah, who had been demoted to janitorial staff the day after there had been a break-in at the diner. Though the broken window had been replaced with no fuss, everyone was pretty sure she had been demoted as a direct result of whatever had happened that night. Then, of course, there was Calliope, one of my favorite waitresses who always had a fond smile for everyone, and managed to pull off her grey skin and white hair incredibly well, I thought.
Calliope wasn't there that day, however. Jane said she was sick, and hadn't been in for a few days. I chose to believe her.
I thought my wait for the party would be boring as hell, but I was proven wrong soon enough, when a certain blueblood Troll strode through the door like she owned the place and stared everyone down as she took a look around. Vriska was wearing her usual too-cool-for-school look, shoulder-exposing short sleeves and hot pants that made the Rocketts look like trick-or-treaters.
Terezi came from the bathrooms just then, and her hair was a mess. She was putting on her glasses as she greeted Vriska, one of the most feared-yet-admired girls in school. Neither Troll looked my way, and I was okay with that.
Things got interesting when, after she and Terezi had migrated to a booth, Andrew, the same weird guy from before, presented her with an enormous bouquet of flowers. She wrinkled her nose at them, and Terezi sneezed again and again.
"O, that a spider's silk would thus ensconce my longing heart," Andrew said loudly, causing everyone to look their way. "How I bemoan the fates and curse ye the heavens that would thrust me thusly upon this Earth with no one to accompany, such as did Adam ad Eve, and to have similarly granted this fate unto you, a Troll as crafty as the spider to which she bears so many likenses, but that we must be apart, separated by many a barrier as love will be separated, but like the mighty Romeo I will not be deterred, sayeth I, with love's light wings shall I o'erpearch this barrier, nay, how could such a fate befall me, the god of all I survey, for this, dear princess, is my proclamation of not only love, but of war on all who may be but want to keep my fair dears apart, who would, with mine own hand, force things such as ectobiology into the already unmitigated mix, to crush my own dreams, this, I say, is their punishment, for I will not be had; nay, I indeed declare I cannot be kept from those I desire to be placed with one upon another, sayeth I, for this they will die, for this, all my creations will find their fates!"
The diner was silent, except for Terezi who was making a sort of half-snorting, half-choking sound. Then the jukebox kicked in, playing Xrom, and everyone returned to their own businesses, but a lot more quietly.
"Excuse me?" Vriska said, in a way that made her sound severely inconvenienced by his weird poem thing.
"She speaks," he said with a sigh. "O, speak again, bright angel, of lacy-bosom'd clouds in the perilous light, how upon your visage I could preform to the utmost examples of how a sight tragically lost to the confines of the harshest of the stars can be rewon again by those what octiple orbs, would'st yet they gaze with love or such, whichever that can be expressed through the symbol of which resembles most closely the intimates of an anatomy, which can be found high and away in the cavernous chest, hidden as can be our love no more! Oh, to hear you say you love me, how I could rest forwith the hapless self-awareness that comes with the knowing soul of those who have been blessed with only the most, the best, the farthest and most perplexing of soliloquies, whence I had stumbled for too far upon a youth most imbibed within her custodian's deepest-"
"Enough," she said, and his words stopped abruptly.
The diner fell silent again. Everyone was watching, waiting to see the outcome of the unlikely romance. Vriska was always getting in trouble around town, and Andrew was well known for being clumsy, lazy, and generally a little bit insane. Glancing around, I could almost see the ships sailing in the other spectators' eyes.
"The fine lady would perhaps care for a song," Andrew said hopefully, beginning to wave his arms around in a strange kind of dance. "I have such one prepared: Oh how long I have waited / my breath cautiously baited / and the spider spins her lies / I am trapped as her hapless flies-"
"Enough!"she hissed, raising to her feet. "Shut up for once in your miserable life, Human!"
He did fall silent, but continued to do the weird dance.
Terezi was laughing so hard by now that she seemed to be in tears, and she banged on the table with her fists until a fork clattered to the ground.
Andrew held his palm out to Vriska, still dancing.
"No need, milady, fear not, the universe is safe in the hands that created it," he said, as he bent to pick up the fork, and the entire diner went wild. I couldn't see them, thank god, but, as I learned from Rose later, he was wearing some sort of lace contraption underneath the waitress skirt, which was made apparent when he bent to retrieve the "universe".
Never a dull moment at Doc's. Maybe that should be their slogan.
"Why, you pathetic, low-life, Human scrap of scum," Vriska hissed. "I've seen you around. I know you, don't I? You've been stalking me! Normally I wouldn't mind, but you're nothing but the lowest sort of lowblood human, and... and I don't even like lowblood Trolls, whatever the rumors are! You actually thought you had a chance with me? Don't make me laugh, don't even try!"
By now she was standing over him, towering and terrifying, her long hair, swept back in the style of Farrah Fawcett, bristling behind her like a cat's tail.
She was pretty beautiful, actually.
He was on the ground at her feet, literally on his knees. I thought of Groucho Marx, I've heard of bringing a guy to his knees, but this is ridiculous!
"I-" Andrew began, but she cut him off.
"If that's an apology," she spat, "I don't want to hear it. And if it's not, what the hell else could you have left to say? You've managed to ruin my night, soil my mood, and murder what little respect I had for your race, and I expect you to be sorry!
"I-" he began again, but she turned, angrier than ever, and violently ripped the door open. She hesitated then, and the only sound was Terezi's laughter, which was beginning to border on manic. She laughed and laughed and laughed, her howls of mirth uninterrupted and unending, even when her nose began to bleed, an opaque river of teal that ran into her mouth and sprayed across her table.
Vriska stood straighter, aiming a poison glare at Andrew. "And I wasn't going to pick up that fork, anyway!" she shouted, then let the door slam shut with a clang of the bells attached. All present burst into applause.