DISCLAIMER: I do not own Once Upon a Time or any of the characters from the show.
Alone.
Emma doesn't remember when it was she first realized she was alone. She has vivid memories of the day Mr. and Mrs. Swan sent her back to the group home because their own baby was on the way. Emma was only a toddler, but when she closes her eyes, she can still remember violently sobbing and screaming for mommy as the social worker pried her from Mrs. Swan's arms. She remembers holding on tightly to mommy, and she remembers not understanding why it was that mommy wasn't holding on to her, too. That was Emma Swan's first heartbreak.
Emma remembers being bounced back and forth between foster homes. She remembers how dark it was at night in the orphanage every time she was sent back. She remembers how, during those first nights back at the group home, time seemed not to pass.
She might not remember when it was she first realized she was alone, but then again, she doesn't remember ever not feeling alone.
But then, one day, she arrived in this peculiar little town called Storybrooke, and it seemed that she wouldn't have to be so alone anymore. Because somehow, she broke a curse and was declared a savior, but more than that, she was declared a daughter. Emma Swan was a daughter.
And when her mother, yes, her mother, looks her in the eyes for the first time, she realizes all those long days and nights not having a mommy to kiss her goodnight, or a daddy to call her his princess, were worth it. If all the suffering meant she would one day find her parents, then it was all worth it.
You found us.
Emma Swan has a family that loves her. She has a mother who is so strong and who would go to the ends of the Earth to protect her. She has a father who looks at her like she is the answer to every question he's ever asked. Like she's the most beautiful thing to ever walk the Earth.
If there is one thing Emma Swan knows well, it is heartbreak. But now, she is starting to believe she will not have to face heartbreak quite so often anymore. Because she has a family.
Or does she?
Just a lost little girl who didn't matter, and didn't think she ever would.
But her mother reminds her just how wanted she is. Just how much mommy and daddy love her. How much they always have. And for a moment, Emma allows herself to believe those words, because no matter how hard it is to trust the idea of having a family, she can't help but try and believe this time. In the back of her mind, though, she wonders how long this will last. Because every time she opened her heart and lowered her walls, fate found a way to remind her that, in the end, she was still alone.
But maybe not this time, Emma thinks. This time, I've found my mother. She will never let me go. I've found my father. No harm will come to me.
I want another go at it. I want to have another baby.
And there it is. She should have known. Sooner or later, Snow White and Prince Charming would realize that Emma Swan is damaged. She is broken, and for all intents and purposes, she is nothing short of unfixable.
But the blow came too soon. Emma Swan is caught off guard, just as she was beginning to believe that maybe, just maybe, this time it would all be different. It is fate's way of telling her to never lower her walls.
Snow White tells her the new baby won't replace her, and Emma allows herself to believe a little longer. Just because she has never felt so safe as she does in her mother's arms. This time, though, she knows it will be short lived. Snow White and Prince Charming are having a new child, a baby to call their own. They are having a little boy they will be able to raise, to teach everything a child needs to learn about love and about life. Something Emma will never have. Snow White and Prince Charming are having a new child, and Emma Swan is losing mommy and daddy.
It's your own damn fault, Emma.
I should have called them 'mom' and 'dad' more often.
I should have opened up to them.
I should have let them be my parents.
Am I worth their love?
In the back of her mind, Emma can still hear the cries of the little girl who never understood why her parents had sent her away. When you are a four-year-old, you can't quite grasp the idea of being abandoned on the side of a freeway. When you are four years old, you don't even know what a freeway is. If you're lucky enough, you have never even heard the word 'abandoned'. But at four years old, Emma Swan knew what it meant to be abandoned better than anyone ever should.
Emma wipes a tear from her face, brushing away the pain. She decides to be strong. She may not get to be a daughter, but she will be damned if she doesn't get to be a sister. She is determined this little boy will have all of her love. He will have everything she never had. She is willing to let mommy and daddy have their happy ending, even if she is not a significant part of that. The new baby will finally make them the parents they never got to be.
Being a first time mother is not easy.
"First time mother?"
Ouch. Emma has made a point to hide the pain, to be strong, but now she feels her heart breaking all over again. A tear threatens to escape, and she looks away so as not to cause a scene.
"You never raised a baby before, you just put one through a magical wardrobe."
And that baby grew up in a world without love.
"It's okay. This is exciting. Mommy and me classes and songs and first steps."
Something Emma would never have.
And that's when she loses control of her magic. The milk in the bottle she is holding starts to boil, and she can see the fear in her mother's eyes. Emma plays it down, quietly praying this won't drive Snow White away even more. She cannot afford to lose whatever she has left of her mother's heart. With a giggle, she steps toward her mother and baby brother, reaching for Neal. Because no matter how messed up this world is, she loves this little brother of hers with all her heart. But her mother flinches, moving the baby away from Emma. This time, there's no hiding the anguish. Thankfully, her cell phone rings, stealing the attention from her.
You talked about your parents all the time.
You were so angry with them for giving you up.
You felt unwanted for twenty eight years.
There is always a choice, Emma, they could've kept you.
They could've figured out something else.
They could've tried.
You were their only child.
It's too much for Emma to bear.
Different. Misunderstood. Alone.
Stop.
And now, they've chosen to have a new child.
Stop.
And don't you think that they thank their lucky stars every day that he was born normal?
"They love me."
They look at you like a monster.
"Shut up!" That's it. As much as Emma wants to deny it, she can't help but recognize the truth in the woman's words.
Different. Misunderstood. Alone.
Unwanted.
Unfixable.
A monster.
A monster.
A monster.
When Emma closes her eyes, she remembers the look of utter terror in her mother's soft features after she made the milk boil with her magic. She remembers the exact feeling of her heart breaking when Snow White stepped back in fear that Emma might hurt her baby. Her baby. But wasn't Emma supposed to be her baby too?
But Emma cannot blame her. Here she is, an almost-thirty-year-old, broken beyond repair, not able to control her magic, and thus threatening the safety of her little brother. Snow White and Prince Charming's son. Still, the look of disgust on Snow White's face is something she will never forget. Was the Snow Queen right? Do her parents wish she had been born normal? No, she cannot blame them. They never signed up for this.
She may never have signed up for this either, but Emma Swan is too much of a hero to really think about how messed up her own situation is. About how cruel fate has been to her from the moment she was born. No, right now she has to think about her family. And to make sure she does not hurt them, or even come close to it ever again.
So she runs. Because it is the only thing she can do right now to make sure no harm comes to Snow White, Prince Charming, and baby Neal. Her family, even if right now there doesn't seem to be much room for her in that arrangement.
She didn't want to believe the Snow Queen when she told her she was a monster, but the look in her mother's eyes just a few hours ago confirmed just that. So Emma runs. Because right now, what her family needs is for her to keep a distance, to protect them from afar.
She will adjust, she thinks.
She is used to being alone.