I don't own anything related to Bleach, Hetalia, Monty Python or Ace Attorney. I do own my office and the studio!
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! This time on Truth, Dare or Torture, our special guest is France from Hetalia. Please welcome him to the stage!" Unlike the guest before who used Garganta, Urahara gestured towards the side of the stage. The man walking on stage took away the breath of many girls in the audience, much to Shunsui's disapproval. He tried to flirt under his breath to Yoruichi, but that only earned him a sandal to the head from Urahara.
(in the audience)
"Hey! That's my thing, baldy!" Hiyori would have torn Urahara to shreds if not for Kensei restraining her.
(onstage)
"So, Fra – " Yoruichi was shushed by the blond (Urahara now had another reason to get angry). "Francis would be fine, Miss Yoruichi. You're looking especially wonderful tonight." Urahara wanted to wrap his tie around the man's smarmy little neck. (AN: Hey! His thoughts, not mine!) He thought to complain to Uryuu after.
(in Uryuu's office)
As he watched the surveillance screen, Uryuu knew there were going to be a few complaints from Kisuke Urahara. Keeping this in mind, he hurried himself up with his paperwork.
(onstage)
"S-so, Francis, please, tell us about yourself." "Gladly, my dear. Well, I'm the personification of the magnifique nation of France. I love my wine, and I love my girls. And one last thing, I absolutely hate England. Care to come over sometime?"
(in the audience)
"I bloody hate you too, you git!" England actually had the self control to not go and strangle him. America just stuffed himself with calories. "One day, they're going to notice me." Canada was forced to share a seat with the American as he was practically invisible. "Who are you?" the bear in his arms asked. "I'm Canada."
(onstage)
"Ahem! Moving on. Please welcome our vic-volunteer, our very own 5th Division Captain, Shinji Hirako!" Shinji, like France, entered from the side of the stage. He muttered something under his breath. "While Yoruichi's occupied over there," Urahara pointed to France and Yoruichi looking into each other's eyes and sighing, "could you introduce yourself to the audience, Shinji?" Shinji nodded, but before he could speak, Aizen ran up to Urahara and gave him a piece of paper. Shinji opened his mouth to speak, but was immediately shushed. "Pieces of paper always have priority. It says: "The thing that Shinji said under his breath before was "What kind of f***ing deal was this!?" Oh, and they have the same voice actor." You have the same voice actor!? That's like last time. So therefore... that is really sussy." "Can I speak now?" Shinji waved his hand in front of Urahara's face. "Huh?" Urahara forgot that he was supposed to let Shinji introduce himself. "Oh yeah, sure. Go nuts." Shinji put on his best smile. "Hey guys, most of you know me, but for those who don't, I'm Shinji Hirako, Visored, former exile and 5th Division Captain. I'm sworn enemies with that idiot over there who got a job last episode," he pointed to Aizen, who was talking on the phone, "and I absolutely love annoying my associate Hiyori Sarugaki. And... could someone separate those two lovebirds over there!? I'm feeling slightly distracted." Urahara had noticed nothing had changed in Yoruichi or France's world. "Nnoitra, airhorn!" Nnoitra ran onto the stage holding an airhorn. Following Urahara's cue, he beeped the horn, and stalked off. The airhorn did its job perfectly well, but the reactions from the two were not to be expected.
"Yoruichi, I choose you!" France pointed at Shinji (he thought that Shinji sounded the horn) and Yoruichi changed into her cat form. "Yoruichi, use Fury Swipes!" Yoruichi gave Shinji the same treatment as she did Aizen in the last chapter. "It's super effective! Hit five times!" Yoruichi was also copying a well known show.
"That has gotta hurt." Urahara commented from the sidelines.
(after Shinji was fixed)
"So France, are you going to decide your truth, dare and torture?" Urahara's glare prompted the Frenchman to answer. "Kisuke?" "Yes, Yoruichi?" Urahara could never keep an angry face at his precious Yoruichi – wait, this was a humour story! There was no room for swooning over Yoruichi! "Could we please have Shinji-kun do all like Gin last time?" Since he was actually cold and calculating like his awesome friend Sōsuke, he would do a profitable compromise. "Well of course, Yoru-chan, but that means Shinji has to decide one thing for France-kun... Ehehehehehehehehehe~" His evil chuckle put truly evil people to shame. "Well, if Kisuke says so. In his condition, Shinji-kun can't think of anything too bad, right Francis?" Yoruichi played innocent (she knew Shinji would probably mentally scar Francis for life... and he was basically immortal). Inwardly groaning, France forced a grin for his beloved Yoruichi. "Of course, that's all right with me." That Shinji reminded him too much of England. Even if they had the same voice actor, they were too different to mingle.
(in the audience)
England sneezed. America then proceeded to put a hamburger on his head. After a few seconds, he cried "Why isn't it working!?" "American health care, that's why, you git."* England even had cynical thoughts.
(onstage)
"France, Shinji, have you decided?" Urahara was looking forward to the coming show. Both the aforementioned nodded in affirmative. "So, France? What 'cha got?" Shinji observed that France looked a lot more smug than usual. "Well, mon ami, I shall ask him what it is like to have Ms Hinamori as lieutenant, have him slap Ms Hiyori and call her weak and then have him shaved bald." A dark aura surrounded him as he said that. "U-u-uh, what about you, Shinji?" Urahara looked unsettled by France's behaviour. Wishing to seek refuge beside Shinji, he found that he was mirroring the dark aura. "Well, Urahara-san, I'd like to see him diss romance. Say it like he means it. Or else I will release the Szayel!" Szayelaporro Granz appeared, armed with a paintball gun. "As you can see, he is armed with a paintball gun. But as a scientist, he could do much, much worse..." "Whoa whoa whoa, Shinji! I thought you hated Aizen!" Urahara was (like any normal mortal) confused at the prospect of... whatever it was. "Yeah, but Szayel and I are fab buddies. We keep each other fabulous."
(backstage)
Tier was backstage, trying to stop the out-of-control laughter coming from the Quinto and the Sexta Espada. "Guys, it's not what you think. Shinji said FAB buddies. Not... argh, I can't bring myself to say it." Grimmjow said something, but the author censored it.** Nnoitra told Tier to get back in the kitchen. His last words (for now) were, "Worth... it..."
(onstage)
"Hey, why can't I threaten him like that!?" France found this unfair, but even Yoruichi had other opinions. "You get to make him do three things, but he only gets to choose one. So, in compensation, he gets to threaten you." That shut him up. "So Kisuke, should we start with Shinji first?" Urahara nodded. Anything for Yoruichi. Lovey-dovey music started, but an over-the-top gesture from Aizen stopped it. "No no no, no lovey-dovey music! This is a humour story, you hear!? I'm complaining to Uryuu!"
(in Uryuu's office)
"Why does everyone complain to me instead of to the author!?" Uryuu had clearly had enough of this talk of complaining to him. "Father, any help?" "No, idiot son." Ryuuken was busy playing League of Legends, and not even his own son could get him off of his own accord.
(onstage)
"Well, Shinji? What is it like to have Ms Hinamori as lieutenant?" Unlike the last time, he didn't hit a nerve, so Shinji was calm in answering. "She's a good partner, but her continued love for Aizen gets pretty annoying." Hearing this, Aizen commented with a "Some people fail to realise that I'm a total bastard."
(sidestage)
"What!? Aizen-taichou!? If he said it for himself, I said I'd promise to become a pimp." Momo was convinced that Aizen was a nice guy, but she actually had been looking forward to deal in the dodgy market. "Hinamori-san!?" Hanatarou was next to her, and wondering if she was going to target him first. As she turned and left, he thought, "Well, she's Hirako-taichou's partner no more... I hope."
(onstage)
Urahara was interrupted in trying to pry France off Yoruichi by an alarmed Hanatarou. "Yes, yes, one word at a time, Hanatarou." Hanatarou was struggling to get the words out. "W-w-w-w-well, h-h-h-h-Hinamori-san has s-s-s-s-started her life as a p-p-p-p-pimp after hearing what Aizen-san has to s-s-s-s-say..." "WHAT!? But I ALWAYS have wanted to be a pimp! And there she goes, becoming a pimp, without TAKING ME! Ms Momo Hinamori, I hereby declare you GUILTY! And I sentence you to becoming a hooker for life! FOR LIFE, I TELL YOU!" Shinji continued to rant on. Hanatarou ran off in panic. "Kisuke, should we call on the medics?" "You were thinking the same thing I was, Sōsuke. MEDIC!" Instead of Captain Unohana (she was busy today), Isane Kōtetsu came to the rescue of Shinji with the newly patented "Oricillin" (which is the same purple stuff as always). Shinji went back to normal, allowing France to torture him some more. "Go on, Shinji. You can do it." "Hiyori, y-y-y-y-y-you are w-w-w-weak..." Shinji could barely get the words out. After a bit of stalling, her slowly inched towards the girl. He raised his hand and gave a hard smack on the face, turning away and scooting back to his original spot. Knowing Hiyori needed to release her anger, Yoruichi nodded towards France. "Ms Hiyori, please, a sandal slap." France liked being on top of things, in more than one sense. But Hiyori herself did not like this approach. "I'LL GLADLY GIVE HIM A SANDAL SLAP, BALDY! BUT THAT'S AFTER I GIVE YOU TWENTY!" Urahara and Yoruichi stood embarrassed on the sidelines, knowing they could do nothing to help the flustered country. They also deliberately ignored the hooligan in the audience shouting his support for the girl.
(in Uryuu's office)
Uryuu, who needed to send a bunch of emails, found Ryuuken STILL on his computer. "Father, why the hell are you on League of Legends!?" "Shush, idiot son. I'm about to score a chick." "I don't need to remind you that's MY computer, do I?" "Nope. But I'm not getting off." As he left, Uryuu thought about how FUN it would be to complain non-stop to the author.
(onstage)
When Hiyori got to hitting Shinji, France was passed out on the floor. As usual, she only gave him one. "And that's for cutting me in line at Burger King, baldy!" "But I never cut you in line at Burger King!" Shinji knew that for sure. "SHUT UP!" That earned him another slap. "Err, Hiyori, since France is passed out, in his stead I'll ask you to shave him bald. Someone wake France up while she's at it." Hearing this, Hiyori's face morphed into an evil grin, while Shinji's morphed into …
…
…
…
…
… an anus. What, did you want puppy dog eyes or something!? Yoruichi carefully placed a whirring razor in Hiyori's open palm. Shinji, who was reminded of when Aizen was his lieutenant***, watched the razor come closer, and closer, and closer...
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA –"
"God dammit! Stay still, baldy Shinji!"
Renji was slapping France awake.
(the lair of the elusive author)
"Excuse me, Miss Author? I have a few com –" "Ok, ok, I get it! You want your father off your computer again, right? You can use mine in the meantime." The author was sick and tired of Uryuu's constant whining. Maybe it stemmed from his father quitting smoking and becoming addicted to LoL instead. She would have to use the same approach as usual.
(Uryuu's office)
"RYUUUUUUUUKEEEEEEEEEEEEN! Get off the computer now or no more Quincy Krispies**** for you!" Ryuuken's attention was taken at the phrase "Quincy Krispies". "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY QUEENSHEE KWISPIES!" Ryuuken bolted out of the room to check on his secret stash. "Well, that worked."
(back in the author's lair of doom)
"W-w-w-w-what!? URYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! How many times have I told you not to give makeovers to my room when you feel like it! Get rid of all these Quincy crosses, NOW!" Uryuu looked up from the 50th cross he was painting on the aqua walls. Sighing, he took a can of aqua paint and erased all of his hard work. "Anyway, aren't you supposed to be doing business-y things now? Such as go back to your office? Plus, I want to know what's happening now anyway. … Do you hear that screaming? It sounds like Shinji."
"–AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! My HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIRR! IT-IT-IT'S FLYYYYIIING OOOFF!*****" Hiyori held up a hand mirror. "So, how do you like my –" "IT'S HORRIBLE! MY HAIR IS GONE! DID YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK TO GET IT TO PERFECTION!? NOW IT'S ALL GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!" As Shinji sobbed, Aizen was laughing his head off (to the confusion of all his minions present) and giving Hiyori a high-five. Everyone was surprised that Hiyori didn't slap him. Hiyori herself was puzzled, but didn't care (an enemy of Shinji was a friend of hers, after all).
(when Shinji calmed down)
Urahara looked around nervously before opening his mouth. They all had had to put up with about 20 minutes of constant sobbing and shouting. "Soooooo, let's continue...?" France was awake, albeit a little beaten up (Renji had resorted to desperate measures). "I have to diss romance now, right? Damn it, I was trying to stay unconscious until a certain red-haired idiot beat me awake! I REFUSE! Romance is my life... what of my image!?" It was Shinji's turn to grin evilly. Even Hiyori had shivers down her spine. "Nnoitra, RELEASE THE SZAYEL!" Silence. Mayuri helpfully popped out from sidestage. "He's dead for now. His body's in my lab~" He disappeared as quickly as he had appeared. "Hmm... must commence plan B! Grimmjow, RELEASE THE SZAYEL!" Still more silence. Everyone was starting to look at Shinji like he was an idiot.
(Security room)
Yachiru commented, "He looks as stupid as Pachinko Ball, Kenny~" "He looks like him as well." Yumichika flashed a trolling smile at his long-time friend. Ikkaku felt unloved.
(onstage)
Tia (like Mayuri before her) popped out from sidestage. "He still laughing his head off about what you said at the start of the chapter, Shinji." She disappeared in the same fashion as Mayuri. "Hmm... Plan C is sure to work... Ok! Aaroniero! RELEASE THE SZAYEL!" Unlike the other two times, a loud "Yes sir!" was heard and a suspiciously suspicious tentacle dropped a cage with Szayel in it in the middle of the stage. The tentacle then proceeded to unlock the latch and let Szayel wobble out before taking the cage back sidestage. Szayel, who knew why he was released, started assaulting France with paintballs. After France was covered with at least fifty layers of paint, Szayel proceeded to drag him to Mayuri's lab. Urahara looked incredulously at Shinji, who replied with a knowing (but still creepy) grin. Screams broke the ten minute long silence. "NON! NOT THE BALLS! NOT THE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLS!" After a bit of awkward silence, Aizen piped up, "Who wants to watch a home movie?" "Ooh, that'd an awesome idea, Sōsuke! What do you say to something to get the mental image outta your heads, guys?" Urahara looked around to see the audience and his fellow presenters nodding in agreement. The Espada sidestage shaking their heads vigorously went unnoticed. Aizen had already inserted the disc into the DVD player. Showing on the newly restored projector screen was "Espada Vacation, part 1" (directed and edited by Sōsuke Aizen. Filmed by Gin Ichimaru. Copyrighted by Ginzilla Films******). "What happened to the other parts?" Shinji just had to ask that question. "Aaroniero ate them."
Espada Vacation part 1
The first scene showed Aizen looking at the camera with his usual smirk. "Greetings, puny Soul Reapers and humans. It is I, the one and only, awesome of awesomeness, ruler of Hueco Mundo, Sōsuke Aizen. Today, we commence our con – ahem, vacation, around Japan. But first of all, allow us to convince my dear Espada to join me, they're kind of disagreeable. The camera switched to Starrk's room. "Starrk, will you –" "No, go away! I'm trying to sleep!" Starrk slammed the door in Aizen's face. A barely audible snicker was heard from the cameraman. "Shut up, Gin." Another scene change showed the Segunda's room, but Aizen didn't bother knocking because Ggio (who was tied up near the entrance) tried to tear them to shreds (to no avail). Outside Harribel's room, a sign was taped on the door saying, "Piss off". Ulquiorra didn't need much convincing to join them, even if he was caught playing with one of his bat plushies. Nnoitra was lost in the desert and Grimmjow was getting high on catnip. Zommari came along of course, to the disgust of Gin and Ulquiorra. Szayel came along, "Only as long as I get to dissect people," he said. Aaroniero was too busy watching tentacle hentai to notice Aizen knocking on his door. Yammy was passed out. The screen lit up in psychedelic colours before the camera zoomed in on Aizen at his desk. "And now for something completely different." An opening scene (which looked strangely similar to Monty Python) titled "Sousuke Aizen's Espada Vacation" showed, then switched to Yamamoto riding a Segway, then falling off a cliff. Sasakibe is running around at the bottom trying to catch him, but is squashed by the Head Captain-General who keeps on driving. And –
The show ended as a newly revived Nnoitra kicked the not-anymore-restored projector and its screen. Everyone groaned. The Espada backstage cheered. Before anybody had a chance to rip Nnoitra to shreds, Szayel and Mayuri came out dragging what seemed to be France.
"HOLY MARY MOTHER OF –"
*: I dunno. I'm not American, but if health care is anything like it is here, I'm going to guess it's pret-tay bad.
**: Care to guess? *ahem* F-A-P buddies? Get it now?
***: There was an omake when Aizen shaved his then-captain bald.
****: And now a way to get Ryuuken flustered.
*****: Ace Attorney, anyone? But this line is just so suitable.
******: I did not make this up but I forgot the fic. And this is just a bad parody of Monty Python.
SUSPENSE! I had so much writer's block this chapter... Thanks to agarfinkel for the truth, dare and torture! Next time... It's Yumi-chicken and Luffy! Finally, people who don't have the same voice actor! agarfinkel, you still need to choose between Urahara's hat and Kon! Annabelle Lucy Nox has already won the Gin plushie... To the rest of you, keep sending in those truths, dares or tortures! Ciao!