Good evening! I've had writer's block!
To scylla: If Hisana gave Byaku-chan Wakame Taishi boxers he would have gladly worn them.
To forever122: Lau's self is explained in the first chapter. Renji just had milk instead of alcohol for no reason at all. Gin was jealous of the pictures taken by Hisagi and Izuru. Hisagi was too busy shouting "SCANDALOUS!" and Izuru has not been introduced in this fic yet (so assuming he's in the audience). Gin wasn't really tied up to the chair (properly) in the first place, so he streaked without bothering to put on clothes. Toshiro will never be Gin's and Rangiku's child. Ever. I hope he's still frozen.
"HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD!"
What once was France was now a green amphibian croaking loudly. Very loudly. In fact it was so loud it shook the building. "Frog, you really are a frog now!" England cracked up at seeing his enemy, once handsome, now… not. Yoruichi just slapped Mayuri and Szayel. "What do you think you're doing!? We signed a contract with him saying we'd keep him in perfect condition! Turn him back!" Before she could claw them to shreds, Mayuri piped up, "Err… we don't know how. I just put all the stuff in my pantry into the potion I made, and I gave him all of it." Urahara wondered what sort of pantry could made a potion so deadly. Answering his question, Mayuri added, "I've got stuff like gizzards, lizards, brains, liquid nitrogen, cheesecake, etc… I mean who doesn't ha – oh." His face fell seeing all of the audience glaring at him. "What about the Oricillin?" Hanatarou (who had been keeping track of everything) suggested. Isane (appearing out of nowhere) shook her head. "It's expensive to make and the author hates Inoue-san anyway. She's probably going to make us –" THUD!
"Make you what, Isane?" Ignoring the gasping audience, the author walked over to Isane's location. "Err… get you a Big Soul from McSoul's?" The author stroked her chin in thought. "Good idea. Go do that; I'm hungry." Isane, dragging an off guard Hanatarou with her, opened a Senkaimon and entered it. Turning to Mayuri and Szayel, the author ordered, "Go into my office and help Uryuu paint my walls, please. I'll address the matter at hand," pointing to France.
All seemed well, but something more sinister was waiting…
In the matter of about an hour after her departure, shinigami-turned-pimp Momo Hinamori was standing in front of a legion of hookers. "Girls, we're not getting too many attractive customers, so…" Pulling down a projector screen, it was shown to have a picture of…
…
…
… Aizen on it. "Find him and go nuts, girls. You can whatever you want. As long as you bring him back here, of course." Watching her minions scurry away into the distance, an evil laugh filled an empty warehouse in the World of the Living.
Aizen was coincidentally taking a day off and had decided to go to McSoul's for lunch. Bumping into a random Senkaimon, he noticed Hanatarou and Isane coming out of it. Deciding to try and regain his reputation as a good guy, he walked up to them and offered to pay for their lunch. Isane, who was looking at him like he was a paedophile, politely declined, and explained their situation. "No thanks, Aizen-san. We're here to buy a Big Soul for the author. We mustn't waste our time or she will lay waste to us." Aizen smiled that warm (but fake) smile of his as he said, "I insist, allow me to pay for the Big Soul." As Hanatarou ordered the burger, a distant rumble could be heard. Before anyone could comprehend it, Aizen was villain-napped by a bunch of scantily-clad women. One stayed behind to compliment Hanatarou's cuteness, and then sprinted away to catch up with her colleagues. Looking after them, Isane remarked, "Good riddance to him."
Looking up from a suspiciously bloodstained operation table, the author sneezed and caught the frog, who was trying to escape his impending doom. "Where the bork is my Big Soul?"
"Ah… it's you, Aizen-taichou." Momo sniggered seeing her former captain in a worse for wear state. Aizen gulped. Hopefully someone would come and save him from this… menace. Aizen wished to the king that he was never a bastard in the first place, and Momo got closer.
(in the author's office)
"Dammit, Quincy! You're supposed to help us paint these walls, not make our job harder!" Mayuri was tempted to throw him into that vat of acid Nemu had made. "So? The walls would totally look better if they had a cross here, and here, and here…" Uryuu proceeded to paint three giant black crosses where Szayel and Mayuri had just finished painting. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Szayel's glasses broke from the scream. "Holy Seireitei! If we just got rid of him we'd have totally finished by now!" Mayuri produced a rope from nowhere. "Here's our answer."
(in Uryuu's office)
Ryuuken looked up to hear his son screaming. He shrugged and went back to playing League of Legends.
"Miss Author! Aizen-sama has disappeared off our staff radar!" Tesla stumbled into the lab, which clearly had a "keep out" sign on it. Ignoring the fact that France was about to hop into a vat of acid, she took the device from Tesla's trembling hands. "Hmm… you're right. We must find and rescue him immediately!" Plop!
Looking behind her, she noticed what was going to be her next experiment turned back into a human. Sighing, she gave France his clothes (she had found them in there) and took a sample of the "acid". In fact, it wasn't acid at all.
(in an unknown place)
"Where's my orange juice? Shame, it was the expensive Martian brand too…" Rudborrn sighed, closing the almost-empty fridge. His housemate squealed behind him; she was probably reading manga again. Oh how he wished to be somewhere other than this… hut.
Confirming the sample to be Martian brand orange juice, the author threatened to lock Tesla in a cupboard with France if he didn't stop stuttering. Shrugging, the author decided to inform Urahara and Yoruichi about this problem. When she went on stage though…
(earlier)
Isane and Hanatarou had come back with the Big Soul. They didn't expect to see Uryuu tied up to a pole in the middle of the stage, let alone wearing what seemed to be one of Rangiku's bikinis. Urahara grinned once he noticed their arrival. "Ah, Kotetsu-san, Yamada-kun, look what our crazy friends brought us!" Szayel and Mayuri grinned creepily and bade farewell. "We have some business to take care of… toodles~"
(back to the now)
"Uryuu! Who did this to you!? Where's your father!? Why are you wearing Rangiku's bikini!? WHERE'S MY BIG SOUL!?" The audience watched in wonder as the author had a spazz fit. Uryuu wished a hole would open up and swallow him. It was better than wearing a pink sparkly bikini and being stared at by Arrancars he was so SURE were gay. The author's screaming was halted when a Big Soul was stuffed in her mouth. "Alrighty! I was here to tell you something… but I forgot! So I'll allow Tesla to explain!" Tesla, who was white from shock, walked on dragging an unconscious France behind him. "Um… Aizen-sama is missing." The author's face fell. "Oh… was that all? Well, you heard him! Let's put the show on hold as we go to find my dear brother!" Isane fainted. The audience cheered; this show was getting a little out of hand anyway.
(in the author's office)
"Who was that screaming just now?" Szayel looked up from a corner of the room. Mayuri shunpo-ed up behind him, trying to get a reaction. "GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Oh… it's you. Holy Seireitei!" Szayel's eyes widened as he saw his can of blue paint…
…spilling on the author's desk. Mayuri just laughed creepily, returning to his painting. Fuming, Szayel recovered the remains of his paint bucket and splashed it onto Mayuri's headdress. Mayuri, who was not ready to let that go, splashed the remains of his paint bucket onto Szayel's head. "MY HAIR! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR! I'M MELTING…" "No you're not, and your hair's not beautiful." Mayuri didn't get the theatrics. "I was just being sarcastic, you know." Szayel did a hairflip, getting paint into Mayuri's face. Extracting a blob of paint from his (prized) headdress, Mayuri flicked it onto that idiot Espada's glasses. He replied, "Yes, you were. Your hair only serves to accentuate your homosexuality." "H-h-homosexuality!? You clown! You turnip-head!* Let's fight this out with our strength!" Mayuri cocked his head, since they were scientists and they weren't supposed to use strength in battle. He sighed; he could make an exception this time. "Let's do it."
(onstage)
"Hmm… I should check on Mayuri and Szayel… Tesla, have I forgotten anything?" The author looked quizzically at Tesla, who replied with a shrug. "I don't think so." Leaving for her office, and the others preparing for battle, Uryuu was still tied to the pole. "Guys? Um… Guys?" Glancing at the drooling Arrancars sidestage, he sighed. "Yep, they're gay alright." He once again struggled uselessly against his bonds, snapping the bra straps and making it fall off. Even Toshiro's fangirls (who were still mourning his frozenness) squealed in delight. The depths of hell were welcome now. Unknown to him, though, they were about to open.
(in the author's office)
Szayel and Mayuri wrestled on the carpet, resembling blue abominable snowmen covered in paper. The author looked in horror; her walls had been repainted, alright, but so had the carpet, her mahogany desk, her (mini) statues of Findorr and Ggio, and of course…
…her computer. That did it. The gates of Hell opened behind her, almost sucking Tesla in. Szayel and Mayuri's eyes widened, resembling lambs about to be slaughtered. Frozen in fear, the skeletal hands grabbed them by the collars of their clothes and dragged them into the ominous gates. Slamming shut, the gates dissipated into the air. The author's smile returned. "We'll leave this for now; I know where Sousuke is. To the Fab-mobile!"
(at the Fab-mobile)
"Er… do we have Kisuke, Yoruichi, Tesla, Hana, Findorr, Ggio, Abirama, Starrk, Izuru and Yumi?" All of the gathered nodded, but a hand rose. "Yes, Hana-kun?" Hanatarou glanced towards the Primera. "Why do we have Starrk-san with us?" The author grinned even wider. "We needed a guard dog! We would have brought the 11th division, but they're too busy. Any other questions?" Another hand rose from the crowd. "Yes, Yumi?" "Who's driving?" The author pondered for a second. "Since you asked, you can drive. Ok, let's go! One second can make a difference to whether Sousuke is mentally scarred or not!" Hopping into the inconspicuously white van, the author pointed out a GPS to Yumichika and assigned the passenger seat to Starrk (it was for everyone else's sake). She then proceeded to take her place between Tesla and Hanatarou.
(an hour later)
"Here! It's here! This is where Sousuke is!" The author banged on the window, prompting Yumichika to park in front of the warehouse. "Are you sure it's here? We can feel Aizen's reiatsu, but –" Yumichika was interrupted by a piercing male scream coming from inside the warehouse. "N-n-never mind… Let's go!" All of the passengers (except for Starrk) bolted out of the van and into locked doors. "Oh come on! Did you think we were all gonna be able to waltz into a warehouse full of hookers!?" As Yumichika finished his words, the doors flew open revealing a beautiful woman and her two ugly sisters (you could tell because they all had shirts saying "SISTERS"). "Hey guys, if I kill you, you'll forgive me 'cause I'm beautiful, right?" She was met by silence as the group stared her down. "Fine then," the lady put her hands in a heart shape, "Mero mero!" A heart-shaped cero-like beam came out of the heart. Nothing happened. As she collapsed in confusion as why her powers didn't work, the group slipped by her and her sisters.
(meanwhile)
"Well, we definitely can't let them cover this up with an hour 'a commercials, can we, Ran-chan?" Gin glanced over at his partner on the other side of the stage. "Of course, darling! We'll be your unofficial hosts with live coverage on the quest to save our translator. I'm Rangiku Matsumoto," "and I'm Gin Ichimaru! We've sent Soi Fon 'n' her Onmitsukido to sneakily video this whole thin' for ya entertainment~ We'll also be commentatin' since we just can't leave it alone." Shinji and France were tied up and gagged, with a sign saying "Do not touch the contestants" in front of them. "They just couldn't keep off each other…" Gin's grin just that tiny bit wider.
"SCANDALOUS! This will be perfect material for the Sereitei bulletin next week!" Hisagi did Ikkaku's lucky dance before unluckily being hit on the head by Nanao. "Silence! Man the spotlight!" She pointed to a hefty metal "thing" with a rolled up newspaper. "Yes, ma'am." Hisagi crawled over and singed his hair on the light. Turning to his fellow lieutenant, who was tied up and gagged, he wished his captain hadn't chosen to be in the audience.
(back to the action)
The group hadn't gone far into the warehouse when they were faced with a diverging path. "Which way? There's eleven of us… how should we split?"
(onstage)
"It's right, you idiots! Right, I say!"
It's getting too long. Do they go right, or left? Gin and Ran decided to take matters into their own hands…
Aizen will be saved. If you're wondering who that lady was, it's Boa Hancock and her sisters from One Piece.
EDIT: Please keep sending in any truths, dares, or tortures! An anything chapter is scheduled soon and I won't be posting much for it at this rate. Danke.
Viva la fanfiction.