I apologise for my absence. Enjoy.
EDIT: The ending of this chapter's been tweaked a bit. I finally found my outline!
"Hey Quincy kid. This yours?" Kenpachi plucked a pink, sparkly bra off his hair (much to Yachiru's chagrin) and hung it in front of Uryuu's slightly pinker face.
"Of course it's not his, Kenny! We stole it from Ran-ran's closet, remember?" Yachiru poked her head out above Kenpachi's head and pulled on his hair to emphasize her point. This event was taking place in the middle of fangirls (still) trying to cut off Uryuu's/Rangiku's sparkly panties. And the entire 4th division and what was left of the 11th division warding them off.
"Err, Captain Zaraki? C-c-can we have a little help here? Please?" Isane had resorted to wielding his zanpakuto like a club and knocking out whoever was in his way. Trying to, at least.
"No. Don't feel like it. You call that fighting? Let's go have a nap, Yachiru." Kenpachi turned on his heels and walked toward backstage.
Shinji, meanwhile, had finished chewing through his bonds and was stretching his arms in celebration.
"I'm free!" He made to stand up, when…
KABLAM!
"I'm…not…free…" Shinji's hopes had been thrown to the hungry jaws of despair as he once again lost mobility. France stopped chewing, knowing that he was a lot more comfortable sitting on the floor with half-chewed rope handcuffs than pinned to the wall by iron chains.
"So you see, Ran-chan, we never needed better restraints!" Gin turned to Rangiku with a questionably sparkly aura. These sparkles were reflected in Rangiku's eyes as she glomped him.
"Oh Gin, you're so amazing!"
"Oh, ze romance! It's so romantique!" France let off his signature smirk as he did the best hair flip he could without hands.
Shinji, on the other hand, let off a not-so-sneaky "Creeeeeeeeep."
If one had directed their attention to just in front of the stage, they would have noticed that Toushiro was melting out of his ice pillar. Seeing this new glimmer of hope, the remaining fangirls who were not trying to cut off Uryuu's panties slowly brought things to speed it up. And so, our beloved 10th division captain was freed from the ice. And then, he was tied to a pole that was next to Uryuu's. Because I hate him. However, unlike our darling Quincy friend, he was decent in clothing.
Isane had caught a break from chasing away fangirls and had noticed the long-forgotten tentacles making their way to Rangiku.
"Matsumoto-san! There're tentacles behind you!" Rangiku turned, holding in her hand a butcher knife.
"Well, I'm in the mood for octopus right now, and you know what we like to do with octopus tentacles… WE CHOP THEM UP~"
(backstage)
"It seems like we're just in time for the climax of the show." Mayuri had ungracefully fallen out of the blue portal and found himself backstage with all the Espada. Szayel had already made his way to Nnoitra and Tesla. A crash resounded as Luppi in his resurreccion form was sobbing his head off.
"That witch!" Mayuri guessed he meant Matsumoto.
"What did she do, Luppi?" Harribel gazed on as Luppi proceeded to cry in a corner.
"She – she – threatened to chop me up, because I was an octopus!"
"A-a-an octopus!?" Aaroniero's soprano head hid behind its twin.
"Glotoneria looks like an octopus as much as Trepadora does." The bass head nodded.
"W-w-wait! That means… SHE'S AFTER ME TOO!" Aaroniero, as Kaien, joined his fellow Espada in the corner, bawling twice as loud.
Harribel glanced sideways at Szayel.
"…You're not going to join them?"
"What do you mean?"
"Fornicaras has tentacles."
"But it's not an octopus!"
"For humour's sake, Szayel,"Harribel pointed to the corner, "Join them!"
Szayel went and joined them, though he was more annoyed than miserable.
(Meanwhile)
"Hisagi! These grapes aren't peeled well enough! Did you expect me not to notice!? I see everything!" Nanao threw the plate at Hisagi's face from the comfort of her new human throne.
"You miserable techies are now under my tyranny! Group 1, swap out with Group 6! Group 2, you're my new throne! Group 3, start fanning! Group 4, make more spotlight kebabs! Group 5, tighten the captain's restraints!" The respective groups scrabbled around to their new positions, hindering Hisagi's efforts of properly peeling the grapes.
"Nanao-chan~ Please, let me go~" Shunsui tried to moe himself out of his bonds.
"No."
To think this was started by a spotlight kebab.
(Onstage)
"Matsumoto, you idiot! You sent three Espadas crying into a corner with a sentence and a butcher knife! You don't even like octopus! Are you drunk again!?" Toushiro shouted at his lieutenant from his not-so-comfortable position on the pole.
"I'm not, actually."
"WHAT!?"
"Well, well, well…" A new voice put everyone on stage on full alert.
"It seems like Soul Society's butcher knives are a force to be reckoned with, eh?" With a skip and a flourish, the voice revealed itself to be…
"URAHARA!?"
"That's me, kiddies!" Urahara skipped his way over to Gin and plopped himself down beside him, to the latter's chagrin.
"Thanks for looking after my show while I was gone. But for now," a giant foot rose from underneath the stage, "bye bye."
"Bye bye?" Gin narrowed his already narrow eyes.
The foot kicked Rangiku and Gin through the roof to the Soul King knows where.
"Copyright laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!" Gin's voice could be heard shouting.
"Well, now that's settled," Urahara gestured to his right, "allow me to show you the spoils of battle. Starrk, Yumichika, if you please."
Starrk entered to a sea of gasps as he drove the fluoro pink monster truck onto the stage, narrowly missing Urahara's feet. However, it didn't miss the rest of the set. Urahara's couch stayed intact, so he announced the next prize, albeit with less zeal.
"And now, our recovered translator!" Cheers erupted as Aizen was dragged in, oblivious to the fact he was being treated like an item.
"Hee hee, hi guys! I'm back!" Aizen waved innocuously to the audience.
The audience screamed from the enormous OOC.
Mayuri chose this moment to walk casually onto the stage and poke Urahara in the shoulder repeatedly.
"Hey, Urahara. I know a cure for Aizen."
"Do you know a cure for the set?"
"No, but if you buy Aizen a burger from McSoul's, he'll be his normal self again."
"Why McSoul's?" Mayuri shrugged.
"It seemed cool at the time. Not anymore, though. Get the author to send someone or something." Mayuri stalked off while checking his nails.
"Hey, Author! You heard him!" Yoruichi shouted, making her way to Urahara's couch.
"TESLA! GO BUY A BIG SOUL!" A shrill voice resounded throughout the stage.
"WHY ME?" Another, mellower voice responded.
"BECAUSE YOU'RE RELIABLE AND I LIKE YOU! NOW GO, MINION!"
"Hey, I thought he was my minion…" Nnoitra sighed uncharacteristically as his fraccion slammed one of the back doors behind him off its hinges.
"Fix it quickly, dammit! The air con's gonna get out!" Renji blew a whistle, summoning a couple of 6th division members carrying a door and Byakuya with a toolbox. It took about thirty seconds for Byakuya to remove the door and replace it with the new one.
"What black magic is this?" Zommari's eyes widened seeing this incredible feat.
"It's the reason the author hired them for this job in the first place, ya idiot! If they weren't this good, they wouldn't even be here!" Nnoitra gave his fellow Espada a cuff on the ear.
"A translation of that would be… practice makes perfect, Zommari." Szayel was observing a bug that had made its way into one of his test tubes die in agony.
"Since when did you leave the corner, pinky?" Nnoitra was sure Szayel was sitting there at least five minutes ago.
"Since Matsumoto and Ichimaru-sama got kicked out."
"That makes sense." Nnoitra nodded.
"That still doesn't answer my question." Zommari did not like this exclusion despite the fact that he wasn't very popular.
"Hey, Harribel!" Ignoring Zommari completely, Nnoitra shouted to his superior.
"… What?"
"Can you get those two to stop crying?" Nnoitra gestured to Aaroniero and Luppi.
"No."
"Why?"
"They don't believe me when I tell them that Matsumoto-san is gone."
"God dammit!" It was at this point that Szayel handed Nnoitra over a pair of spare earplugs.
"I really want to go and punch something right now…" Tesla whined to no-one in particular as he swatted at a leaf trying to land on his face. This day hadn't been good for him. In fact, any day hadn't been good for him ever since this bloody show started.
There was always some moment, some event that just screamed "I WANT TO RUIN YOUR LIFE!" that, well… ruined his life, for example, today…
(earlier today)
"The wheels on the bus go round and round~" Aizen Sousuke, his… boss… was acting like a five-year-old human child. The author was sitting next to Tesla, grumbling under her breath.
"I wish I could go and sit with Starrky in the monster truck," she gestured towards a flash of pink to her right and then to the passenger seat, "he's getting on my nerves." Urahara completely missed the point.
"Well, it is a one seater after all, Author-chan~" Urahara narrowly missed a cyclist after which Yoruichi slapped him from behind.
"Watch where you're driving, Kisuke!"
"It's strange seeing Aizen-sama act like this. Though, it is quite refreshing." Tesla showed a faint smile.
"Yeah. It's refreshing to see him act like an idiot." Findorr rolled his eyes in indignation.
"If this keeps up, though, His Majesty may be able to take over! Mmm, birdseed." Abirama grinned, looking like he was fantasising about all of the bird seed he could have if that happened. That was if he ate birdseed in the first place. Tesla shuddered at the thought.
"Hey, isn't that McSoul's?" Kira pointed out to Tesla's left.
"Someone turn down the window! I heard that you can smell the place!" Ggio tried to reach the button to turn down the window, and failed.
"Here, Ggio." The author reached across Tesla's lap as she turned the window down enough for the smell to permeate throughout the van.
Just as the smell of chips hit Tesla's nose his head was hit on the edge of the glass.
"You've got some weak Hierro there, Tesla! How do you like the smell now?" Abirama high-fived his fellow fraccion as Kira tried his best to move away from them as much as his seat-belt allowed.
"What's this metallic smell?" Tesla gripped his nose.
"It's your nose bleeding, that's what." The author produced a tissue and handed it to him.
Life sucked.
Tesla snapped out of his trance as a piece of paper caught his eye.
"Hey, is that a McSoul's loyalty card? Oh, and it even has most of the stamps on it! One more stamp until a free coffee? Nnoitra-sama loves coffee! I should take this with me. It's such a waste to have it just lying around…"
Tesla walked away, whistling, with the card in his hand. He needed to get these mood swings checked out.
"Hey, pinky." Mayuri poked Szayel in the shoulder.
"What!?"
"You know that receipt we saw for the $10000 limo?"
"Yes, why?"
Mayuri pointed to a limousine hanging from the ceiling.
"This is one of Aizen-sama's illusions, right?"
"No, and let me prove it to you."Mayuri produced from behind him a hog-tied Ichigo Kurosaki.
"Kurosaki, can you see that?"
"Of course I can! Now let me go!" Ichigo shouted. Mayuri immediately undid his bonds.
"Good, that's all I wanted you for, anyway. Now scram!" Ichigo didn't need to be told twice.
"How did that – " Szayel started.
"Kurosaki hasn't seen Kyoka Suigetsu."
"Oh."
Mayuri: 1
Szayel: 0
"Where did you put my McSoul's loyalty card!? It was one stamp away from a free coffee!" Rudborrn slammed open his bedroom door after spending about an hour rooting through his wallet.
A red-headed girl (who was obviously trying to look attractive but failing badly) leant on the bottom of the stairs.
"Now now, Ruddy, you know that McSoul's is very bad for you and you shouldn't eat it, alright?" She slowly made her way up the stairs. Rudborrn contemplated shutting the door in her face, but decided against it. After all, he needed the info.
"I can't afford anything else after buying that monster truck and that bottle of Martian brand orange juice. Now, they're both gone!"
"It's alright, Ruddy; we can get through this together." The girl wrapped her arms around his waist (against his will of course). If Rudborrn's mask could show how much he was blushing, the colour would have matched the vivid red of Renji's hair.
"I am NOT your boyfriend!" Rudborrn forcefully pushed her away, despite knowing his efforts were futile. She returned, gripping twice as tightly.
"It's alright to deny it at first, darling. I left the loyalty card outside, by the fence."
Paying absolutely no attention to the state of the human corset cutting off his air supply, Rudborrn bolted down the steps and out the house to find it…
…gone.
"First my juice, then my monster truck, and now my loyalty card have disappeared!? This has become too suspicious! Sherlock Hollows II has arrived, baby, and I know exactly where to investigate first!" Rudborrn whipped on a checked newsboy cap and a pair of sunglasses (so conveniently on his person for the sake of this moment) and scampered towards our lovely studio.
"Ruddy, you forgot your pants!"
"I'm back." Tesla closed the door behind him civilly (to the 6th division's relief, the guy broke about a door a day).
"Oh, Tesla. Did you get the burger? Kisuke's making a circus act out of Aizen so it's about time you came." Yoruichi grabbed the burger off Tesla and ran onto stage, where Aizen was doing handstands and riding a unicycle.
"Tesla! I smell coffee!" Nnoitra spied the McCafe coffee cup in Tesla's hands.
"I bought it for you, Nnoitra-sama." Tesla handed it over, at which Nnoitra's eyes were like a child's with a new (short-lived) toy.
"Coffee…" Nnoitra took a tentative sip and expanded his grin; "Where did you get this anyway?"
"Huh? Oh, I found this loyalty card which was one stamp away from a free coffee and -"
"You stole it? Tesla, I'm so proud of you!" Nnoitra walked away.
"Tesla, I'm pretty sure you really need to get his coffee addiction checked out." Szayel had seen this exact scene many times before and wished for it to stop.
"Why can't you check it out, Szayel-sama?"
"I'm not allowed to experiment with fellow Espada. Aizen's orders."
"But don't you have a big red couch for coun –"
"I DON'T DO COUNSELLING!"
"Aizen, we have a treat for you!" Yoruichi had removed the burger from its packaging and was aiming it at Aizen.
"Ooh, gimme, gimme!" Aizen scampered like a dog towards the alluring smell.
"There." Yourichi hesitantly fed it to him and started moving back.
The effects were sudden. Aizen's eyes widened in shock as he realised…
"I'm not wearing any pants."
"The idiot who put me in this pant-less clown costume shall die."
"That would be me, but don't get your boxers in a knot; we've just cured you from one of Mayuri's little potions." Urahara put his fingers into a heart shape.
"Via?"
"A burger from McSoul's!"
"That's disgusting! Do you know how much bad stuff is in it!? I can't look my best if I'm force-fed McSoul's!"
"It was either that or acting like a kid for the rest of your life." Yoruichi pointed out.
"True that." Aizen replied sheepishly.
"Kisuke, it's probably time we release Shinji and Francis." Yoruichi gestured towards our unfortunate contestants.
"I DEMAND COMPENSATION!" Shinji yelled.
Urahara pressed a big, green button (just to be contrary) and Shinji collapsed onto the ground, groaning.
"What about me?" France tugged at his rope cuffs.
"Scalpel." Hanatarou immediately ran out with one and gave it to Urahara.
Urahara proceeded to make for France, stop midway and cut the handcuffs off.
"This has been one long episode. We should finish up."
"Urahara-san, I'm pretty sure we've forgotten something."Aizen shrugged, oblivious to the muffled screams of Ishida and Toshiro (who had been gagged in the meantime).
"I don't think so~"Urahara waved him off.
"Thanks to our loyal audience who has kept with us all this time! Show's over and we'll see you next week on -" Yoruichi started.
"HOLD IT!" Rudborrn flung open the door.
"Aizen… taichou… I'm… I'm… going to get you…" Momo wasn't going to give up on her Hooker Empire just yet, nor Aizen.
Finally, I'm done! Huge writer's block for this chapter on top of a three week camp! This was most definitely tiring. I took a small writing lesson from themonsterunderyourbed5454 so the style has sort of changed. McSoul's has appeared… again. Rudborrn has appeared… again. Tesla is amazing… as always. Luppi and Aaroniero are still bawling their heads off, last time I checked. This was supposed to be a truth or dare show (it will still be once I can think up some more) but it's descended into being a proper story. Thanks for the support so far and sorry again for not writing!
Viva la fanfiction.