When I was younger, it was just me and him against the world, no black mailing teachers or closet cases could ruin our day. It was peaceful and content. We would go on picnics and braid each others hair; when it rained outside we would whip out the Nerf swords and guns and just wreck the house battling each other. It was fun and innocent but it couldn't stay that way. Around the time I turned fourteen I started to notice boys. Some were lean, some were muscular, and all of them looked preferable to the female figure. Nothing is wrong with curves, I just craved a more angular physic. Then I started to notice him, a squared jaw and firm body, it was disturbing how attracted to him I was. I shouldn't have felt that way about my brother. Liking men was one thing but falling in love with your sibling was rated on an unacceptable level.
I woke up early today and just watched him sleep; it was so cute. He looked relaxed for once; his gentle snores were muffled by a pillow as he snuggled it closer; I wanted that pillow to be me so desperately. I chided myself, I couldn't think these things, not now, not ever. I shook him awake tugging at his messy hair, grinning as he grumbled about it being to early. I wanted one last day, that's what I always told myself. Just one more day for us to be happy together; then I would tell him. Not about my lusting of course, no, but I would come out of the closet.
So we packed up a blanket and some sandwiches and headed off to the park. It was sunny out but still chilly, spring was only beginning after all, so we lounged in our sweat pants and hoodies near the vacant play ground. He didn't look as miserable as he had been lately, which was great, but I longed to see his smile. His smile was like candy; like himself, sweet, innocent, and carefree. He hadn't been smiling a lot lately, not real smiles, they were bitter and false. I had to know the real reason, I needed to know what made him so depressed and lost looking. I think he could tell what I was asking just by looking at me. He sighed, and gave in, finally trusting me.
"I'm gay, Fili." Kili said, his voice cracking, his dark eyes darted off to the distant swing set, which must have been much more interesting to look at than my face. I was shocked, there was no way, the chances of two brothers both being-. I started to play with my hair nervously, he couldn't possibly feel the same way I did. I heard a sniff, and I realized he was crying, he must have taken my silence for disapproval. I quickly reached out and pulled him in close. He was so brave telling me this, I knew I owed him the truth as well.
"Kee," I said pulling him back a little so that I could look into his eyes, he need to know that this was the complete truth, "me too." He gasped, the amazement was written clearly across his face until he buried it in my shoulder. I stroked his dark tresses; I didn't want to let go, this was as close as I could ever get to him. I would never have more than this. He pushed me away after a few minutes, apologizing for the tears and wet spots on my hoodie. After all of the drama we went on to do the norm, brushing and braiding hair, eating our sandwiches. I hoped this was a sign that this wasn't our last happy day together. There was still a question nagging me in the back of my head.
"Is this what Thranduil was using as black mail?" He became tense again, and I internally screamed at myself for ruining his good mood.
"I suppose you could say that" he murmured. I was confused by what he meant, there was a piece of this puzzle that I was missing, I needed to find it. He got up from his seat and brushed some sandwich crumbs off of his pants and onto the blanket. He held out his hand which I took and stood up as well. He pointed off into the distance, most of it was just field until there was a six-foot metal fence surrounding the east end of the park.
"Race you there?" He asked. I nodded once, he obviously didn't want to talk about school. "On your mark, get set..." He started running and shouted a "Go!" behind him as he fled. I chuckled and raced to catch up to him, he was a lot faster than I remember. There was no way I was going to win by playing fair but if I couldn't win then neither could that cheater. Once he was in arms reach I did catch hold of him around the waist lifting him into the air so his running was cut short. He was heavier than I remember too; we fell to the ground laughing and out of breath. He rolled off from his crushing position above me and laid down next to me, using my arm as a pillow momentarily before propping himself up on his elbow.
He gazed at me with such a fondness, and for a moment my breath caught in my throat. He looked so happy and kind, and for a second I though I saw something more in his eyes. I wanted to sit up too, but if I did either two things would happen. One, I would kiss him, or two, the moment would end. I did want to kiss him, but I didn't want this moment to end. I noted how close we were and how easy it would be to steal a peck. I would love to feel those pink lips on mine, I wanted to know if they would be demanding and rough or submissive and soft. I could feel my cheeks heat up as I looked from his mouth to his eyes and back to his mouth again.
This had to stop, I realized getting up suddenly, anymore temptation and I would give in. I was at war with myself inside. Part of me was scolding me for being so stupid, another was screaming about how nasty it was to think about my baby brother that way, and the last part was crying out at the loss of closeness. Kili sat all the way up now and looked concerned, and scared? No, I denied it, I was mistaken.
"Fili?" He called out, the tone sounded like what a kicked dog might sound like if it could talk after it's master abuse. I really had to thank the weather men for being terrible at forecasting this once, because it was starting to seem anything but sunny out. Dark clouds consumed the light blue sky and swallowed the sun, as little rumbles of thunder was heard. It seemed like a great excuse to get going.
"Let's go Kili, it's going to rain." We packed up our stuff and started home. Our beautiful Sunday was gone and tomorrow was Monday; then the torture would start all over again. We wouldn't get out the Nerf weapons, we would just pretend the day was ruined by rain. It seemed like this was our last happy day.
Author's Note: I hope that wasn't too confusing and that it didn't move too fast. I wanted to try out a Fili POV. I also hope that it might have lightened the mood a bit. I know sometimes when I'm reading angst I have to stop because my "feels" hurt too much. I'll be back in Kili's POV for the next chapter.