Chapter 2

Meeting Hazel Grace

I know I just dropped this bomb about being in love with my (dead) best friend's (dead) girl, and then I carefully retreated behind impossible hypothetical scenarios, some bad blind humor, and a beautiful metaphor about choosing your friends like they are produce. (Did you notice I chose eggs because they are fragile, like life? God, I'm such a brilliant bastard. Not really. I just happened to have eggs on my brain because I had just mentioned egging Monica's car. Man, those were good times).

Anyway, as I was saying, I totally didn't get into why I was into Hazel, why I hid my feelings, or what happened after I stopped hiding them. It's a long story. I suppose it's THE story, really, of my 18-year-old life.

I guess like any story, it's best to start at the beginning. (Wow, that was lame. I'm sorry I used up all my brilliance for the day on the egg metaphor).

So maybe "Meeting Hazel Grace" is a title more eloquent than it is realistic. For instance, this chapter could have easily been named "Pining for Hazel Grace" or "Obsessing About Hazel Grace From Afar Like a Creeper". She came into support group looking like she wanted to be anywhere else. I think that was the first thing I liked about her, aside from the fact she was gorgeous, oxygen tank and all. (And trust me, nasal cannulas are a hard look to pull off).

She sat in the chair closest to the exit. I wasn't sure if she sat there because she was out of breath or if she just wanted a fast escape when it was over. Probably both. It also happened to be the seat directly across from me, so I could coyly look at her without being too obvious, which was awesome.

I barely noticed that the group introductions had begun until she started talking.

"I'm Hazel Grace Lancaster. Sixteen. Thyroid originally but with an impressive and long-settled satellite colony in my lungs. And I'm doing okay."

Just like that, I was in love and heartbroken at the same time. Not a good prognosis, but then again, what should I have expected with an oxygen tank? As I sat there imagining how I was going to approach her later after the meeting, I totally missed my cue to introduce myself.

"Isaac? You okay?" Patrick no-balls asked me.

"Yeah, I just… um," I said, not very eloquently. "I'm Isaac. I'm seventeen. I have retinoblastoma. For those of you that don't know what that is, it is a fantastically improbable eye cancer. I lost one of my eyes to it when I was a kid. So now I have a fake eye. And now they say… well, they say I could lose the other one too." I looked down. I don't usually share that much. I'm not sure if I really wanted to tell the girl I had an intense five minute long crush on that I have a fake eye and could be going blind, but it all just sort of came out once I got started, and it was probably for the best. It's hard to slip that kind of information into normal chitchat, you know? Hazel looked a little more interested in me than before I disclosed that information, but not in a pitying kind of way, which was good.

"And how do you feel about that? How do you feel about the possibility of losing your other eye?"

"I try not to think about it." Before Patrick could open his mouth again I put an end to the pity party he was trying to throw me.

"I don't think he's had a chance to share yet," I said. I tilted my head towards the guy beside me who just gave me a "Gee, thanks" look. Gosh, doesn't anyone want to be here? Or do we all just come to listen to other people who have it worse than us?

Anyway, the rest of the support group meeting that day was a blur. All I remember is people droning on and on like they normally do and stealing glimpses of Hazel whenever I could. After the meeting, I was working up the courage to go talk to her and trying desperately to think of something not lame to say, but before I could even stand up to approach her, she fled the room.

"Dude, she fled the room? HOW?" Gus said later while we were hanging out at his house. He was digging through his video game cases, trying to find the video game we wanted to play.

"She moves fast for someone with an oxygen tank," I argued.

"Geez, what did you do to her?"

"NOTHING! She just, probably didn't want to stick around. Support group is rather depressing."

"Then why do you go?"

"Apparently to scare away hot, potentially terminally-ill chicks. You should come with me next time. Be my wing man." Gus was my best friend. I met him when I was going through the whole ordeal losing my first eye. I was with him when he lost his leg and when he started to lose his mind over Caroline (although honestly I think he lost it more when she was alive than after). I told him almost everything, but I couldn't tell him that I was terrified of going blind because to acknowledge that fear was to admit the possibility that it could happen. I wasn't ready to do that yet, especially when there were all these delightful distractions like girls and video games to amuse myself with.

"No, thanks. I'll pass. Besides, whatever happened to Monica?" he said as he started up the new video-game-of-the-week.

"We broke up."

"You'll be back together again in no time. You two can't stay away from each other for long."

"What can I say? I'm irresistible, except when I'm scaring girls away."

We played the game-of-the-week for a couple hours. I can't remember what game it was, but I'm sure I was winning. Then, out of nowhere, Gus said, "Maybe it's the fake eye."

"False. Your theory doesn't have a leg to stand on."

"Neither do I, but at least I can see both sides of the situation."

"Asshole."

"Bastard."

"You know what? I'm going to ask her out. Just to prove you wrong."

"Do it, bruh. I could use a laugh."

I was going to say something refined and witty like, "Screw you", but I just dominated him in the game, whatever that was, which was much more satisfying than any comeback could be.

I ended up not asking Hazel Grace out. After obsessing about her for two days and nights, and doing everything besides doodling Hazel Grace's name over and over in my notebook, Monica texted me.

It said:

I love you. I'm sorry. Forgive me?

P.S. Always 3

And well, I'm a sucker for always. Always have been.

I texted back:

Always

Just like that, we were back together. Everything I felt for Hazel, well, I just stuffed those feelings down. I was potentially going blind. I needed someone who would constantly be there. I convinced myself that Monica just got scared when I told her I could be going blind. I should have expected she'd need time to adjust. I sort of felt like a jerk for even thinking about Hazel that way when Monica was trying to deal with everything I'd thrown at her. So I did one of the stupidest things I've ever done in my entire life.

I just let my best friend have her.

Granted, they would have probably ended up together anyway. Gus is a class act, and I have no game. Still, I didn't even try. For Gus's sake, I'm glad I didn't. For Hazel's sake, I'm glad I didn't.

For my sake, well, let's just say I'm still kicking myself for it.

Author's Note: If anyone is interested in beta reading this story, please message me.