Street Rat Ch. 6
You're sitting in the desk chair, looking at your room. You're looking at your closet, which is now filled with clothes. You're looking at your bed, brand new with a new comforter. You're sitting in a chair that's next to a desk.
You're dwelling. You're overanalyzing.
All of this is too much.
You've been living with Laura, LaFontaine, and Perry for a month now. You've been watching them leave and return to the apartment every day. You've accompanied them to the grocery store. You've watched them do homework. You've helped LaF cook. You have started a life with these people. And you don't deserve it. You've gotten all of this stuff without doing anything to deserve it. Quite the opposite, actually. You get caught stealing and you're offered a home. A place to stay. How is that fair to the honest people that are sitting out in the cold right now with empty stomachs?
You need a break from all of this pampering. So you slip out the door at 2am, exiting the apartment complex and begin to walk around the city.
You used to do this a lot before. You would get bored of sitting and begin exploring new parts of New York, going places you've yet to see. It's relaxing.
In hindsight, a jacket would have been nice. You're currently walking down 11th street with nothing but sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt on. It's cold. Just above 20*F. By the time you reach 18th street, you're shivering.
You don't return to the apartment until late in the morning.
When you enter the apartment, you're immediately pulled into a tight hug.
"Where have you been?" She pulls back, looking you in the eyes.
"I just went for a walk." You look at her, confused at why she's so worried.
"Yeah, for hours. I heard you leave at, like, 2am." She throws her hands up. "Listen. You can't do that. I was scared something was wrong." Her hand absentmindedly grabs yours.
"Well, I am almost 20. I do believe I can manage a nightly stroll without notifying anyone."
Laura looks taken aback, which is understandable. You've never said anything like that to her. But you're just not used to the coddling yet.
You release a sigh before apologizing.
"I'm just not used to having someone look out for me like this." You explain.
Laura nods, understandably. "Just let me know when you're going for impromptu walks in the middle of the night so I don't freak out again." She chews on her lip.
Your crush on Laura has grown and you can't seem to help it. You've tried distancing yourself, but there's only so much you can do when the girl you like lives in the same apartment as you, her room located across the hall from yours. She is always near you. It's driving you insane.
You have a fear of getting close to anyone. The last time you got close with someone, it ended terribly.
"Yeah, okay. Sure thing." You start for your room.
"Hey, listen. I was going to study in the library down the corner. Want to come with? Keep me company?" She gives you a grin.
You want to say yes, but every time you hang out with her, you like her a bit more.
"No thanks, cupcake. Wouldn't want to distract you."
"Good point. You're very distracting." She looks you up and down, which causes your eyebrows to shoot up to your hairline.
She turns and exits the apartment with her books in hand, leaving you dumbfounded at her uncharacteristically flirty behavior.
You continue walking towards your room, falling onto your bed as you let out a loud groan. Laura's too good for you. You've already established that. Even if Laura were interested, it would probably be in everyone's best interest that you both just remained friends.
You wake up to a dead weight on top of you. Looking down, you see Laura's head resting on your stomach, her arm wrapped around your hip. You frown.
"Cupcake." You jostle her a bit. She wakes up with a muffled groan, rolling on her back to stretch. She looks up at you and she smiles a bit.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep. I just needed to cuddle someone, and since you've been up for it every time I asked for the past four weeks and you said yes, I figured you wouldn't mind if I came in here and – "
"It's fine. Don't hurt yourself trying to explain." You smile a bit at her.
You check the alarm clock next to you, seeing that it's 5:29pm.
"I'm going to make something to eat." You say, crawling out of bed. Laura gets up with you.
"Mind making something for two? I just got home an hour ago, and I'm pretty hungry. She rhythmically taps her fingers against her thigh as she stands in the entryway to the kitchen.
You give her a curt nod.
"So, I've been wondering," She turns towards you, hopping on top of the counter, near the stove where you begin to prepare Macaroni and Cheese.
"What's that, cutie?" You turn the stove on the correct tempature before leaning against the counter opposite of Laura.
"What's your last name?"
You hesitate. You avoid telling people your last name for specific reasons. Everyone can recognize your last name. You drop Laura's gaze, beginning to find the floor more interesting.
"Hey." You here Laura say softly, before seeing her slide off the countertop and walking closer to you. She stands directly in front of you before bringing her finger underneath your chin to pull your head back up, causing you to look into her eyes.
"Hey, it's okay. You don't have to tell me if it's something you don't want to share." Her eyes glance downward for a moment before meeting yours again. She hesitates for a moment, holding your gaze. You see out of the corner of your eye, the water beginning to boil over. You move swiftly out of Laura's grasp, thankful for the interruption.
You finish up the Macaroni and Cheese, making Laura a bowl before your own.
You nod before grabbing your bowl and slipping through the window. It's a colder night, in mid-January. You're wearing a large hoodie and some cotton pants, keeping you fairly warm. You can hear Laura's spoon scrape against her bowl though the cracked window.
You know you probably should have eaten with her. But distance has always been your way of resolving things. In this case, your crush on her. Waking up with her on your stomach only made you want her more.
You sigh, scraping the last bit of Macaroni and Cheese into your mouth and slipping through the window. Laura had already finished, her bowl put in the dishwasher, along with the pot you made the food in.
You retreat back into your room, grabbing the novel you had been reading for the past few weeks. You found it in Laura's room when you were both lounging around, and she had told you it was a good read.
It's around 11pm when Laura slips into your room, drawing your attention away from the book.
"Hey." She stands awkwardly in the doorway.
"Hey." You echo.
She wordlessly walks over and pulls you up onto your feet before wrapping you into a hug, her arms tight around your neck. You immediately hug her back.
"You okay?" You whisper, the atmosphere feeling fragile.
"No. I mean yes, but no. I don't know." She shakes her head. "It's you."
"What about me?" You ask, falling back down onto the bed. She crawls over you, claiming her usual spot, leaning against the headboard.
"I want to get to know you, but I feel like everything I want to ask is too personal, or not appropriate or something." She huffs.
"Is this about my last name?" You arch an eyebrow at her.
She stares at you intently. "No, this is how you somehow managed to maintain amazing eyebrows while being homeless."
"I have my ways." You smile at her.
"No, yeah this is about your last name." She sighs, closing her eyes.
You look up at the ceiling. What harm could it do? You know she wouldn't react negatively. It's just a difficult thing to talk about.
"Remember how I was talking about my mother?" You look at her, watching her nod.
"Well, my mother is Doctor Karnstein." You say, taking in her reaction.
Her eyes widen, and she opens her mouth as if she's about to say something, but she closes it and gestures for you to continue.
"Everyone who meets her immediately writes her off as a kind person. And don't get me wrong. On some levels, she's a lovely woman, I suppose." You sit up, moving to lean up against the headboard.
"She is one of the most accomplished doctors in the world." You pause, seeing f Laura has a question so far. When she gestures for you to continue, you do.
"My mother needs perfection. She does not see perfection in many people, including myself. She doesn't see perfection in me because I was born out of wedlock, and because I'm gay, and because of that one time in math class when I was 11 when I got a B- on my report card. She doesn't see perfection in the types of music I listen to, or the type of books I read." You breathe.
"And she let me know that's what she thought. She told me every single day, exposing a new flaw to me, or bringing up an old imperfection, reminding me of their defect. She would dig at it until it bled, and until she had be crying, apologizing for being a disgrace.
"It wasn't until I was much older that I had learned that this wasn't okay, that what she was telling me was not good parenting. I know that nobody is perfect, but to point out each flaw to your child, to shine a light on it and dissect it is a cruelty no one should ever endure."
You hate explaining this to people. They consider you nothing more than an overdramatic teen.
But not Laura. Laura seems to understand, or at least pretends to. She leans her head onto your shoulder, wrapping her arms around your waist.
"Carmilla Karnstein. I can't believe I never noticed it. You look just like your mother." She pauses. "Which is probably not what you want to hear. Gosh, I'm sorry."
You don't mind it, honestly. Your mother is beautiful, if only on the outside. You wrap your arms around her shoulders, instinctively kissing her on the top of the head.
"If it's any consolation, you're probably one of the closest things to perfection I've ever witnessed."
You can't help the large grin that spreads across your face.
"Thank you, Laura."
You click off the lamp on the nightstand next to you before laying down, Laura's arm draped across your waist, her head buried in the crook of your neck.
"Goodnight." You whisper.
"Hmm." Laura hums into your collarbone.
You don't feel the need to wander the city tonight.