Mikau: Hello, hello! Yes, I'm a day later than I thought, but…well, this week was horrid. Except for my birthday on Tuesday, thankfully. But…yeah. Horrid. I'm sick, work's busy, I've got a family member in the hospital…yeah. Horrid. Moving on. Congrats to AKristie for guessing the chapter title. It made me so happy! Sorry. I'm a total geek, and I was thinking that Haku-chan's ascent out of madness kind of vaguely paralleled the Divine Comedy…the titles at least…but really only in the fact that they ascend from somewhere viewed as "bad" to "good". Anyway, that should make guessing chapter three's title fairly simple. Thanks a bunch to all of my marvelous reviewers: Assasin8, Mai-chan63, DetectivePandaThief, Bunnyz-chan, and AKristie!
Disclaimer: If I owned it, do you think they'd fly me to Japan for the movie premier? I'd really like to see that movie. :/
…
Chapter Two: Purgatorio
In the fifth month, Saguru left the house for the first time. It was simply a short venture with Shinichi and Baaya to the grocery store, but it was a milestone in his recovery. The whole time he stuck close to Shinichi, keeping no more than three or four feet away at maximum.
They kept bumping into each other, their hands brushing awkwardly at times, and they'd laugh sheepishly and apologize. Even though Shinichi didn't mind in the least.
Saguru was really cute the way he subconsciously gravitated towards Shinichi seeking protection. It had been a while since Shinichi had the opportunity to paly the role of protector. As Conan, no one outside of maybe Ayumi or Haibara had looked to him for comfort, reassurance, or security. This was nice.
"You okay?" Shinichi whispered, putting a hand on Saguru's shoulder as the blonde nervously backed away from the seafood section.
"S-Sorry." Saguru looked away with a shiver. "I just…it's all a little overwhelming. There are so many people and sights and sounds that I… It's just been a long time since I've been around it all."
"It's understandable." Shinichi placed a comforting hand at the small of Saguru's back. "Don't worry. We're almost done. Then we'll head home and watch some Doctor Who while we eat that popcorn stuff that you like with the chocolate and the nuts."
"You know me so well," Saguru chuckled, smiling brightly.
Shinichi couldn't help but beam right back. It was really good to see Saguru genuinely happy like that. He was slowly getting better.
…
The next weekend, Saguru and Shinichi went to the park to walk around and see the last of the vibrant leaves before they shriveled up and fell.
"Shinichi, why don't you go back to school? It's not too late to get into a good college, get your degree," Saguru encouraged as they strolled around the lake.
Shinichi kicked at some of the fallen leaves, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he formulated his answer.
"I don't need to. I'm twenty, going on twenty-one, and yet I don't have a high school diploma. I'd have to take tests, fill out a lot of paperwork, and for what? I'd be two or three years behind my peers, and it's not like I need the degree. I could get hired on with the police right now. I could start up my own detective agency. I don't need the education."
Saguru considered the reply for a minute or two before responding "I just thought it might be nice to be around people your age…our age…groups of them. You know. Other people besides me."
Shinichi shrugged. "I'd rather be with one worthwhile person than ten boring, ordinary ones. It's not the quantity of friends that matters, Saguru, it's the quality. I'm happy like this. I'll…I'll go back out into society eventually—probably when you do—so don't worry about it so much. I enjoy your company."
"A fact that still amazes me," Saguru sighed, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Fine. Very well. So long as you're satisfied with your social life…or lack thereof."
Shinichi laughed, catching Saguru's eye and smiling. "Very satisfied."
Saguru cleared his throat, looking away with a blush. "Good then."
"Saguru, what about you? Do you want to go back to school?" Sensing Saguru's discomfort, Shinichi considerately got the conversation back on track.
"Me?" Saguru chuckled. "I already have my degree in Criminal Psychology. I did an accelerated program that only took me a year and a half."
Shinichi blinked. "Oh. Of course, I'd expect nothing less of you. So…what are you going to do with that degree?" Shinichi bit his lip, quickly adding, "I mean, once you're feeling up to it, of course."
Saguru thought about it for a minute and then shook his head. "I don't know anymore."
"Well…what were you going to do before…with Kaito?" Shinichi asked tentatively, worried about upsetting his friend.
Saguru smiled. Like usual, it was bittersweet, but this time there was more sweet than bitter to it. "Grow old. Have five kids, two dogs, a cat, a minivan, and a house with a white picket fence. I was going to keep on my detective work, and he…Kaito was getting degrees in theatre and engineering. He wanted to do a lot of different things, but the main one was do magic professionally…legally, anyway. We were going to travel and bicker and enjoy each other's company. All I ever wanted was mundane, day to day wedded bliss with him and all the headaches and dirty diapers and stolen sheets that went with it."
Shinichi pursed his lips. "You know…it won't be the same, and it probably won't be as good as it would have been with Kaito, but…you could still have all that…I mean…if you wanted it."
Saguru chuckled. "You mean with someone else? Where would I find someone whom I could love that mu—" Saguru cut himself off as his eyes met Shinichi's. Suddenly he found it hard to breathe. All he could do was stare into those beautiful sapphire eyes.
"Maybe…" Shinichi started tentatively. "You wouldn't have to love them as much as or in the same way that you love Kaito. Maybe you'd just have to find someone that you could love enough."
"I would feel like I was betraying that other person. I'm not able to give my whole heart," Saguru sighed, looking down at his feet as they walked.
"I'm not either," Shinichi replied a little bit too eagerly, causing Saguru to look back up with a questioning gaze. "I mean…I'm still not over Ran." Shinichi's hand riffled nervously through his hair as he attempted to phrase it correctly. "What I meant was that you should find someone like that. You know. Someone that would understand. Someone that would be okay with that."
Saguru studied Shinichi for a full minute before replying softly, "Okay."
"Okay?" Shinichi gulped.
"I'll think about it," Saguru clarified, walking a little faster as his cheeks began to glow scarlet.
…
They went on many such outings like that, the two of them: parks, museums, libraries, temples and shrines, the zoo. The one place Saguru wouldn't go was the aquarium.
When Shinichi brought it up, Saguru had shivered and simply stated, "I don't really like fish. Would you be interested in attending a concert with me instead?"
Come to think of it, the Hakuba household didn't seem to consume much fish. At least…Saguru didn't really. The Superintendent did, and Baaya did on occasion, but never in front of Saguru.
…It was kind of weird, but Shinichi got the feeling that he shouldn't ask about it. There was probably some kind of weird, traumatizing story behind it.
Shinichi got his answer one day, though, when he walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water and surprised Baaya, very intently crafting a tuna sandwich.
She jumped when she heard him behind her, turning around with her hand on her heart. "Heavens! Oh, Shinichi-kun. I thought it was Saguru."
"Just me," Shinichi assured, noting the sandwich.
Baaya caught his gaze and nodded. "Oh. That. Well, I don't know if Saguru has told you, but K-Kaito had a fish allergy." She still struggled to say the name. Kaito really had been a beloved member of the family. "I didn't know at first and accidentally served some to him in a casserole, and…" She winced at the memory. "I still feel horrible. He almost died. I put him in the hospital for a full week!"
Shinichi's eyes widened. "He was really that allergic?"
"Yes. I'd never heard of someone having such a violent reaction before either, but… Well, Kaito was special in all sorts of ways. And Saguru practically forbade fish from the house after that. He's still a little up in arms about me reintroducing it, but…" She pursed her lips, looking down guiltily at the sandwich.
Shinichi stepped in and rested a hand on Baaya's shoulder. "I'm sure he's not mad at you Baaya. It's just…he's still hurting…just like you are."
She smiled gratefully up at him. "Thank you, Shinichi-kun. I can't tell you how glad I am to have you here with us."
Shinichi returned the smile and slowly withdrew his hand, going over to get his glass of water. "Thanks, Baaya, but I can't help but feel like I'm taking Kaito's place. I don't want to shove him out and take over."
Baaya glanced to the side, over by the island. It was almost as if she shared a look with someone sitting there, and then she smiled. "I think Kaito would be happy that you're here, filling in. I believe you have his blessing. He was the one that sent you, wasn't he?"
Shinichi self-consciously rubbed the back of his neck. "I guess, but…I don't think he intended for me to…" Shinichi trailed off with a blush.
Baaya smiled knowingly. "Well, I, for one, think it's wonderful and sweet that you two are helping each other to heal."
Shinichi looked at Baaya in surprise.
She chuckled. "Oh, let's not pretend that you weren't broken in places when you first came here. Saguru was the one on his way to being shipped to the nut house, but you…you were hurting and sick too, weren't you?"
With a deep breath and a sigh, Shinichi finally admitted, "Yeah. It's been good for me, taking care of someone, being needed. I don't really want to think about where I would have ended up otherwise."
"You're both doing a lot better." Baaya nodded wearing a motherly expression. "I'm really grateful to see Saguru acting more like his old self. Well, his post-exposure-to-Kaito self, anyway."
"What was he liked before Kaito?" Shinichi wondered out loud.
Baaya hummed, trying to think of a nice way to say it. "A loveable little handful," she finally decided. "Stubborn and spoiled, yet lost and lonely. Secretly insecure despite his bravado. He didn't like himself very much, but Kaito did a lot to change all that. Kaito, well, he was the loving family that Saguru had been needing. You can kind of see what Saguru's family situation is like, so…"
"He had you," Shinichi argued.
Baaya sent the young man a melancholy smile. "Yes, but they pay me, and a devoted governess is no substitute for the love of one's parents. It seems that romantic love did him worlds of good, though."
Shinichi nodded as he filled up his glass, deep in thought. "Now that you bring it up, I don't know a whole lot about Saguru's family situation. I can tell that he's not close to his parents. I mean… Is his mother still living? She hasn't called or visited once since I've been here, and Superintendent Hakuba didn't seem to know Kaito very well despite the fact that Kaito had practically been living here the past two years. He hadn't even known that Kaito and Saguru were dating, let alone that they were married, so…"
Baaya pursed her lips. "No. Neither Helen nor the Superintendent are around much, I'm afraid. Though at least Helen knew about Kaito. They were actually friends. She liked to take him shopping and dress him up. She's a fashion designer, so… I think she was very upset when he passed away. Kaito was the best daughter-in-law that Helen could ever hope for, and, like I said, they did share a certain camaraderie."
An awkward silence hung in the air. Shinichi was ready to go, but it was a strange note to leave on.
"I'm sure she'll like you too," Baaya assured, smiling a tad mischievously.
Shinichi blinked.
"Probably not as much as Kaito." Suddenly Baaya's expression looked troubled. "The second wife always has to live with the first's shadow lurking about. There will always be things that Kaito did that you won't—good and bad—but I like you, and I'm more of Saguru's mother anyway, so as long as you have my approval I think—"
"—Whoa! Wait! I…I don't… I mean, I'm not trying to—" Shinichi flailed his arms, inadvertently spilling some of his water.
Baaya just laughed. "Oh, don't bother, Shinichi-kun. I see you two together. Even if you think that you have no such designs at present, you will shortly discover your true feelings." She smiled in that matronly way that all mothers do when plotting their child's future.
Shinichi tried to respond, but his vocal chords were not up to creating the proper syllables. Instead he made a strangled noise that kind of sounded like a dying squeaky toy. He bowed and shuffled out of the room as quickly as possible, face as red as a police siren.
Baaya continued to smile and chuckle to herself even after Shinichi had slunk off. She picked up her sandwich and started to take a bite before a slight movement out of the corner of her eye caught her attention. She frowned as she looked in the general direction of the island once more.
She sighed. "I'm sorry. I really shouldn't eat this in front of you, should I? Sorry, Dear. I'll go into the dining room."
…
After that slightly odd conversation with Baaya in the kitchen, Shinichi couldn't look at Saguru the same way.
Before, Shinichi had noticed that the other detective was cute and sweet and just generally adorable, but those had been passing observations. Now Shinichi found himself dwelling on things like that.
The way that Saguru smiled, radiant like a sunrise coming up over the ocean, made Shinichi stop and stare, appreciating the sight. The blonde's true smile was a rare thing, and it seemed like a shame not to enjoy it.
Mostly it was the little things like the way Saguru talked, the cadence of his voice, his gestures, the way he stood and carried himself, the way he moved. Now that Baaya had made that strange comment, Shinichi couldn't help but notice those little things and think, "Gosh, that's attractive."
And then he felt like a terrible, dirty human being because Saguru was still hurting, still grieving the loss of his beloved husband. Shinichi mentally berated himself for even thinking about taking advantage of Saguru's vulnerability.
But the thoughts kept raising their ugly heads, refusing to be silenced. He did his best to drown them out.
Talking about Kaito helped a little in some ways. Saguru was opening up more about it, sharing stories at Shinichi's prompting and managing not to cry most of the time.
"It doesn't hurt quite so much anymore," Saguru remarked with a quiet chuckle. "It's good…remembering the good times. It makes things a little easier. It makes it feel like he's still with me."
"He is still with you," Shinichi stressed, tussling Saguru's honey-colored locks.
After all, Shinichi could practically feel Kaito's eyes on him, watching his every move around Saguru.
Shinichi was getting to know Kaito through Saguru's stories, and he could almost imagine the magician there with them, sitting at the island as they ate breakfast, laughing at the jokes, snuggling with them on the couch as they watched movies.
If Shinichi were a superstitious person, he would have sworn that they were being haunted. But that was ridiculous. Shinichi was just being paranoid. It was because he had a guilty conscious about the whole…not quite "lusting" after Saguru, but…yeah the whole lusting after Saguru thing. I mean, Shinichi didn't want to jump him or anything! …Most of the time. All right, all right. Shinichi was an animal that wanted to proliferate…with another male. But…Shinichi was still trying to figure that one out.
Last time he'd checked, he'd only ever had feelings for Ran, so… He'd thought that other girls were cute, but he'd never felt like that for anyone besides Ran…until Saguru.
And Shinichi was slowly becoming okay with that. Because Saguru was just so…how could he not love Saguru? It was a little hard to accept at first, but once he got used to the idea, he started thinking that being in love with a man wasn't really all that different from being in love with a woman. He felt comfortable with Saguru. He enjoyed the blonde's company. He really liked how he felt with the other detective. They got along well, had similar interested, and they just seemed to understand one another. Shinichi was content with Saguru.
But there was Kaito. Saguru was still very much Kaito's (ghostly presence or otherwise). Shinichi knew that there was no room in Saguru's heart for him at the moment, but somehow he was okay with that because he got it. He was kind of still pining after Ran, so…he could respect that that relationship had been in place first.
He wouldn't try to push Saguru or manipulate him. He wouldn't force his feelings on a man still recovering from a tragic loss.
It was hard, though. Because Saguru didn't really seem opposed to Shinichi's attentions. When Shinichi dared to playfully, jokingly flirt a little, Saguru would flirt back. It was probably just in jest, but… But Saguru laughed at all of Shinichi's lame jokes, and sometimes their eyes would meet and there would be this connection there. It was…warmth and acceptance, safety. When their eyes met, Shinichi felt contentment and affection.
And then Shinichi started to get brave. Saguru and Shinichi had always touched in small, insignificant ways—a clap on the shoulder, a reassuring pat, a brotherly tussle of the hair. Shinichi slowly began to turn up the frequency, increase the duration.
And Saguru didn't seem to mind. In fact, he reciprocated.
They stood closer to one another, closed in the gap between them when they sat on the couch. They leaned against one another.
One day Shinichi even got up the courage to do that old cliché of stretching and putting his arm around Saguru. And Saguru settled in beside him, naturally melting into Shinichi's hold.
It was on that day that Shinichi began to allow himself to think that maybe…just maybe Saguru felt something for him too.
…
Before they knew it, May had arrived. It had almost been a full year since Shinichi had come to live at the Hakuba Manor, a full year since Kuroba Kaito's death. And Saguru was doing better. In the important ways.
Saguru still talked to Kaito, and sometimes he had a bad day and cried, but the wailing, screaming, uncontrollable episodes of before were a thing of the past. There were still days when Saguru didn't want to leave the house, but more often he was able to go to the store on his own…provided it was a relatively short trip. Anything longer than half an hour required Shinichi's presence, but…Saguru had made great progress.
He was even beginning to show an interest in detective work again. Nothing big, mind you, but he'd occasionally look at the newspaper and snort, "Clearly the doctor's lover killed the husband." or "It's obvious that this is an inside job. They should take a look at the bank's personnel."
Some days he'd even flip through one of the many cold case files still piled up on his desk, the files that he used to go through in his spare time as a sort of unusual hobby. He'd solve one or two if he were feeling ambitious, and then he wouldn't touch them again for another week or two.
Mostly Saguru did the word puzzles or brain teasers that Shinichi presented to him. Eventually they started watching murder mysteries together on Thursdays, something Saguru hadn't had the stomach to do since his beloved's untimely demise at the end of last June.
These were all little things, but they were the baby steps on the road to Saguru's recovery.
One Friday night that May, when Shinichi received a desperate call from Inspector Megure, begging for assistance on a bizarre case, Saguru tentatively asked, "Might I come as well?"
Shinichi was hesitant at first, but instead of babying Saguru, he looked him straight in the eye as an equal and addressed his concerns. "Saguru, this is a pretty grizzly murder. Do you think that you're going to be okay with…with the blood and everything? I'm just kind of worried that… You're doing really, really well, and we're all super proud of the progress you've made so far, so… I just don't want you…not getting hurt exactly, but…you know. I don't want you seeing this stuff and having flashbacks or nightmares or… I mean… Do you think you can handle it?"
Saguru nibbled on his lip in thought and then nodded in resignation. "I understand. I don't know how I'll react, honestly. You're right. It's probably for the best that I don't go."
Now it was Shinichi's turn to bite his lip. He really hated seeing that look of disappointed on the blonde's face. It made him want to slay dragons and conquer small continents in order to make Saguru smile again. He couldn't imagine not being able to do something that he'd once loved and found so much comfort and purpose in.
"You know," he replied hesitantly. "If you really want to get back into detective work, maybe we could start you out on something a little less gruesome. A triple homicide is a little…much, I think. I mean, I'm kind of wondering how I'm going to do. It's been just as long for me since I haven't been accepting other work since I've been working for your family."
Saguru rolled his eyes. "Shinichi, you'll be fine…. And I would like to get back to solving crimes, I think." Saguru paused, looking over Shinichi's right shoulder, beyond Shinichi. "I think that's what Kaito would want me to do, keep pursuing my passion, doing good, helping others."
Shinichi reached out and patted Saguru lovingly on the cheek. "So long as that's what you want to do. If it makes you happy, then go for it. I'll help in whatever way I can."
Saguru nodded, a small smile forming on his lips. "Thank you for watching out for me, Shinichi."
Shinichi shrugged it off. "Don't thank me. It's my job as your…" For a split second, he thought about their relationship, what he was to Saguru, what Saguru thought of him. How would Saguru introduce Shinichi to his relatives and old classmates? Playing it safe, Shinichi quickly filled in the word, "friend". Shinichi grinned, trying to cover up his brief hesitation. "And friends watch out for each other, right?"
"I wouldn't know. I've had so few," Saguru replied honestly, sort of throwing Shinichi off.
"Don't worry," Saguru chuckled in response to Shinichi's surprised expression. "Someone once told me that it wasn't the quantity of friends that mattered but the quality, and I've had the best friends any young man could ever hope for in you and Kaito, Shinichi. Now run along and solve a baffling murder in twenty-one minutes flat, astounding police and civilians alike. Kudo Shinichi has been in retirement for far too long, and I can't go monopolizing him any longer."
Shinichi thought better of replying that Saguru could monopolize him for however long he wanted.
A week later, Shinichi was called on another case, this one tamer, and Saguru did end up coming along.
It didn't go well, but it wasn't a total disaster either. Saguru stayed for about fifteen minutes tops before Baaya came to take him home. Shinichi would have gone with him too if not for the fact that Saguru (absolutely pale as the moon covered in chalk dust and looking like he was going to be sick a third time) glared at him and intoned, "I will never forgive you if you walk away from this case on my account. Stay. Solve it. Come home and fuss over me later once your job is done, Detective."
Shinichi solved the whole thing in three minutes after that because, one, he was worried out of his mind that Saguru was going to have a panic attack or pass out or something, and, two…Saguru looked absolutely ravishing with that infuriated flame in his eyes, and Shinichi wanted to be back at his side as soon as possible.
There were no panic attacks, though. Some minor sulking and listlessness, but no major setbacks in the recovery.
The next case went better. Saguru was able to stay the whole time. He still looked a little blue after seeing the blood leaking out of the victim's skull, but he was able to carry on by sticking a little closer than was socially acceptable to Shinichi.
The fifth case, Saguru actually solved himself. It was a bank robbery, much more his expertise. The whole time he was poking around, he muttered to himself, though. Only it sounded like he was talking to someone else under his breath, having an actual conversation, but… Shinichi really didn't want to question it. Sometimes it was better not knowing all the weird stuff about the person you were in love with.
…
June came, and suddenly Saguru seemed worse. Not necessarily bad, considering how bad he had been, but…just a little worse. A little more tired, a bit more down in the dumps, a little colder.
Shinichi gathered that this was because the month of June carried with it the double whammy of Kaito's birthday along with the first anniversary of Kaito's death. It was going to be a tough one to get through, but they'd been through worse, and they'd both survived. They'd make it through this one too so long as they stuck together.
Shinichi hadn't meant it literally, though. Was it just him or was Saguru getting progressively more clingy?
It all culminated one night as the bedroom door to Shinichi's guest room squeeeeaked open in the middle of the night and Saguru nervously crept in, whispering in the darkness, "Shinichi?"
Of course Shinichi was awake; still paranoid from his dealings with the Organization, Shinichi had trained himself to be a light sleeper. He'd been instantly as alert as a guy who'd drunk two cans of Monster energy drink the second he'd heard the beginnings of the creak of the door.
"Sorry to bother you, Shinichi, but…" Saguru chewed on his lip, obviously having second thoughts and wishing he had never woken Shinichi in the first place.
"It's no trouble," Shinichi claimed in all honesty. "What's up, Saguru? What do you need?"
Saguru tentatively approached and came to stand awkwardly at the foot of Shinichi's bed like he had several months ago…even though it seemed so much longer. "I can't sleep."
Shinichi sat up and motioned for Saguru to take a seat as well. "What's wrong? Nightmares?"
Saguru shook his head, cheeks glowing in embarrassment—Shinichi could just barely make it out in the dark. "I just can't sleep in that room anymore. It's too…lonely," Saguru explained. "For months now I've tossed and I've turned and I…I can't take it anymore. I know the bed isn't necessarily big by most standards, but it seems so huge to me. There's too much room. And it's cold, Shinichi. No matter how many sheets I pile on, I still can't keep warm. Also, the room is too quiet. The silence is driving me crazy, and…" Saguru's lip quivered, and the tears began to spill over. "I miss Kaito. I miss him so much it hurts. It physically hurts, Shinichi."
Shinichi found himself unable to say a thing. He didn't know how to comfort Saguru. What did you say to make it better? Could he make it better? Was this something that should be made better or was it just one of those things that only time could heal? If so, what could he do to get Saguru through it in the meantime?
Shinichi reached out and wrapped his arms around the blonde in a light, maternal hug. He stroked Saguru's hair and whispered, "Shhh. It's okay."
Saguru softened into his embrace, letting the tension go, letting the tears fall silently. "Sorry."
"No need to be," Shinichi assured, letting his hand trail all the way down Saguru's back and then back up it once again.
"T-Thank you," Saguru revised.
"You're welcome," Shinichi chuckled. "As for your problem, would it help if we switched rooms? If yours is so full of memories of Kaito, you could sleep in here, and I'll go sleep in your room."
Saguru shook his head. "It's true that the room still holds memories of Kaito like a time capsule, but…the room isn't the problem. It's being alone in it."
Shinichi bit his lip in thought. "How about if I come sleep in there on the couch? Or we could sleep in here, if that's easier. I'll just go get a futon and set it up on the floor, and you can have the bed."
"Shinichi, I'm not going to make you sleep on the couch or kick you out of your bed," Saguru retorted in indignation, pulling back a bit out of Shinichi's comforting embrace.
"Then…" Shinichi swallowed. "We could share the bed. It's big enough."
Saguru's cheeks colored, and he looked away to the left. "I…I wouldn't be opposed so long as you don't mind, Shinichi. I would hate to inconvenience you."
The biggest inconvenience would be having the guy he liked right there in the bed next to him and being unable to do anything at all about it. Still, Shinichi had clung to propriety and chivalry for how long now? Sharing a bed wouldn't be such a big deal…at least he didn't think so.
"You're fine, Saguru," Shinichi assured, scooting over and lifting the covers so that Saguru could climb in next to him. "I mean, we've done this before, and I really don't mind, so…"
"All right." Saguru settled down under the sheets beside Shinichi and apologized in advance, "I'm terribly sorry if I steal the covers or end up cuddling with you or something like that."
"Don't worry about it." Shinichi shrugged off his concerns. "If it happens, we'll just try not to be weird about it, agreed?"
Saguru nodded his assent. "So long as it's okay with you."
More than it being okay, Shinichi was kind of hoping that they ended up snuggling.
They didn't, though. At least, not that first night. Saguru quickly drifted off to sleep as soon as he was situated and slumbered soundly the whole night. He stayed in pretty much the same position he'd fallen asleep in, and in the morning he awoke feeling refreshed. He reported that he had slept very well over breakfast the next day.
Shinichi, on the other hand, had a very fitful night. Now that he was aware of his feelings for Saguru—thank you, meddling Baaya—it was rather hard to sleep with his crush by his side. He found himself watching Saguru sleep like a creeper, listening to him breathing, taking deep inhales of his freshly showered scent.
And he felt dirty and perverted for doing it.
The next night at about one o'clock, Saguru came into his room again wearing a penitent expression.
The third night he begged for forgiveness when he wondered in at two twenty-six. "There really is no excuse. I'm twenty years old. I need to get over it and learn to accept the way things are and sleep in my own room like an adult. I can't keep leaning on you like a crutch forever. I'm no longer a child."
"I wouldn't mind," Shinichi replied quietly. "I mean, I don't want to steal your autonomy from you, but I don't mind supporting you. The fact that you need me gives me purpose, keeps me going. Why don't you let me baby you for a little while? This month is really hard for you because of…you know, right? It's okay to need help, so…just until June is behind us…. Maybe until your birthday. Let me be your support until then."
Looking into Shinichi's eyes, stained midnight blue in the darkness, Saguru whispered, "…All right." and settled down beside Shinichi, a hair's breath away from letting their skin touch.
Sleeping together platonically did not get any easier as the month wore on, especially not when Saguru stared to get comfortable sharing the bed. Unconsciously (literally when Saguru was asleep), Saguru had begun to make himself at home.
And Saguru was a snuggler. More often than not, in the middle of the night Shinichi would be woken up by the feeling of being entirely too warm. And then he would find Saguru lying on top of him. Other times he'd dream of pine trees (the scent of Saguru's body wash), and then he'd wake and find Saguru plastered to his skin like a wet t-shirt. Sometimes Shinichi would just wake up to a face full of soft, blonde hair whenever Saguru slept with his head on Shinichi's chest.
It was glorious torture.
And sometimes Shinichi would be bad. Sometimes Shinichi would snuggle back when Saguru was stone cold unconscious. Sometimes Shinichi would dare to wrap an arm around Saguru. Sometimes Shinichi would rest his head against Saguru's.
And he felt like the scum of the earth for doing it, but…
…
Mikau: Well, I think I liked the first chapter better, but this one's not bad. I can't say I'm dissatisfied with it. Besides, this chapter is where all of the relationship developing takes place, so… Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it! See you again soon!