The Body

A week later, on Wednesday like always, Alfred found himself at the grocery. Now, that in and of itself wasn't very surprising, but the fact that he was looking forward to shopping, that he was actually excited? That's what was surprising.

He hurried through the first part of his grocery list, eager to get to the aisles where it was possible to leave notes. Each item dumped into the cart and checked off the list was one more item closer to finding a note from the mysterious (and pissed off) Englishman.

If there was a note, at all.

There had to be, Alfred was sure of it. The person who wrote the first letter wouldn't give up after only one rebuttal, that much was obvious. He could only hope the author was like him, and had a routine for grocery shopping.

He picked out a box of Frosted Flakes, and it wasn't until he was walking out of the breakfast aisle that it occurred to him: the note might be in the same place it had been before. Alfred quickly backtracked and searched for the empty area. It wasn't easy. A lot of the cereal had been restocked and there were barely any empty spots for letters, but he eventually found one of the letters.

It was difficult not to do a victory dance in the middle of the breakfast aisle. He snatched up the letter and quickly read it, full of anticipation.

"Dear An Amused American,

You are insufferable! Not only do you make a mockery of my letter, but you have the nerve to leave a smiley face made out of fruit and vegetables?

At least come up with a better name, yours is ridiculous and I felt incredibly silly writing 'An Amused American'. Though, I do give you credit for using alliteration, if you even know what that means.

Sincerely,

Still a pissed off Englishman"

Just like that, Alfred fell into an easy exchange with the Englishman. Every Wednesday he looked forward to either a response to whatever letter he had written, or leaving an obnoxious letter for the other man to read. It was something he enjoyed, teasing the person he could not see, and getting scolding letters in return. He wasn't sure what exactly was enjoyable about it, but it was obvious he had changed his opinion on grocery shopping.

One day, after he had taped down a letter in response to the Englishman, and after he had finished his shopping, he went to check out. Alfred chose the checkout lane #4, mostly because he prefered routine and every time he checked out, it was the same girl. They usually didn't talk much besides a few sentences on how the weather was doing, or if the local sports team lost.

Unfortunately, even the most routine things can change.

"So, you've been smiling a lot," the girl pointed out, though it was mostly a question. She scanned items and sent them down to be bagged, looking up and smiling shyly at him, like she had finally gotten the courage to ask him. She probably had.

Alfred was quiet for a moment, debating how to explain what had been going on without sounding completely insane. He swiped his debit card and punched in his pin number, and replied ambiguously, "Grocery shopping really isn't so much of a chore now."

The cashier glanced at him bewildered, obviously thinking Alfred was crazy, before nodding and smiled at him as if she was happy for him. They said goodbye and he walked away, still grinning.

"Dear Englishman,

Sorry I had to shorten your name, I got bored of writing 'pissed off'. Mostly because you're not angry, you're just a little flustered, you know? There's a difference.

The other day, the girl that checks me out (in the grocery store line, not because I'm attractive. Well, I am attractive, but you know what I mean.) told me that I've been smiling more than usual. I told her that grocery shopping isn't boring anymore. You've become my entertainment for Wednesdays, congratulations!

Smell ya later,

Grocery Store Super Hero

P.S. I changed my name for you"

"Dear Grocery Store Super Hero,

I don't really think this name is any better. It actually might be worse, though if there's one thing I've learned about you by now is that you enjoy getting on my nerves. I suppose there won't ever be a name I will like, in that case, hmm?

By the way, will you ever stop leaving items on top of your letters? Or do you just do that to get on my nerves? Who am I kidding? You do it to get on my nerves. At least leave something useful next time, like Earl Grey Tea.

Sincerely,

Englishman"

Alfred grinned, not caring if he seemed a little bit off. The entire world should know he was happy and excited! He took his time shopping, though he was eager to get to the breakfast aisle and leave his letter. In the past few weeks, he had finally started to consider them something akin to pen pals, though definitely more hostile.

It had been nearly three months since the entire fiasco had begun, and there had only been a few letters. Of course, it made sense. There could only be one letter per week. If Alfred left a letter, he had to wait until the next week to get the Englishman's letter, and then another week to leave a response.

This led to Alfred thinking about the Englishman's responses as he wandered through the store. If he left a letter, the Englishman would get it the next Wednesday before Alfred returned. But wouldn't that mean he would have to write the letter on the spot?

Probably.

There was always a letter waiting for him when he got there, and besides the first two, they had been handwritten. Alfred wondered if the Englishman brought a notepad with him, just to respond. That was commitment. He told himself he would add that in his next letter, he didn't usually compliment the Englishman. Maybe he would enjoy the compliment.

Alfred could only hope.

When he finally made his way into the breakfast aisle, he made a beeline to their own little area where they put their correspondence. The empty shelf had became their home base, even if cereal boxes piled up on top of the shelf: they both knew to look at the spot.

Alfred reached into his back pocket and pulled out his letter, unaware that he was being watched. He lifted up one of the cereal boxes on the shelf and put the letter under it, confident the Englishman would know where to look. As he turned to leave, he finally noticed the person staring at him.

It was an employee. A really, really old man.

The man hobbled towards Alfred, staring at him, as if he was trying to understand exactly what was going on. Apparently, he had seen the entire thing, and no doubt had probably seen the previous exchanges. He stopped in front of Alfred, standing his ground, and pointed at him, obviously calling him out.

"You," he said, "Why are there always pieces of paper there?"

Alfred stumbled over his words, trying to explain without trying to sound weird. It wasn't working very well as he could feel his face heating up, probably turning his cheeks red from embarrassment. The old man just stared at him, as if he couldn't decide how he felt about the customer.

The old man was silent for a long time, before he finally broke eye contact. He took a deep breath, and looked away, shrugging. "Alright then. You can have the spot. Just…"

He trailed off, unsure of what exactly he wanted to say. Shaking his head, he walked away without ever finishing his thought. Alfred stood frozen in place. He didn't know what to do, so he shoved all the weird emotions back down and continued his shopping like nothing had happened.

"Dear Grocery Store Super Hero,

Thanks for the tea. I ended up buying it instead of putting it back where it belonged. However, I did not appreciate the hamburger seasonings, I did have to return those.

Yes, I do bring a notepad with me to reply to you. Mostly though, I do it because I know you would be impatient if I did not. Also, I will not thank you for the compliment because I'm ninety nine percent sure you're being sarcastic. It is hard to understand sarcasm with just words, if you ask me.

I would appreciate it if you stopped changing my name. You keep shortening it, you cannot get much shorter than E. I cannot comprehend how you went from a pissed off Englishman to Englishman to English to E in a matter of months. Please make up your mind.

Regards,

An irritated Englishman"

"Dear E,

If I stop leaving stuff for you to put back, will you tell me your name? Here, I didn't even leave any items this time. Are you proud of me? I bet you are.

Toodles,

Grocery Store Super Hero"

"my name is Arthur"

"Dear Arthur,

You know, the proper etiquette for letters is that you have a salutation, a body, and a closing with a signature. Your letter did not, I apologize. I guess the American is better at English than the Englishman, huh?

Just kidding, I'm sure you're better at English, please don't yell at me with your weird British curse words. I'm a math person, if you were wondering. You probably weren't but… yeah.

See you later alligator,

Alfred"

"Dear Alfred,

As you so eloquently put it, I do suppose I must use proper etiquette for letters. Though, you're missing the very first part: the header. However, seeing as neither of us had ever used a header nor addresses, I'll give you a pass on that one.

Is it bad that I had a feeling you might've been a math person? I won't yell at you with my scary English curse words, you've been good. You haven't left any items for me to put back, so I guess I can put up with you, if you dare insist.

In a while, crocodile,

Arthur"

Alfred stared down at the paper in his hands, stunned into silence. Did the stuck up Englishman that had been scolding him for weeks really return his see you later, alligator? With the correct response, too? Incredible.

He carefully folded the letter and put it in his pocket. It would probably be weird to keep this letter, but it didn't matter to him. Alfred knew he wanted to befriend this nerd named Arthur, and sooner rather than later. They had been talking for way too long already, over five months.

Alfred went to check out, again at lane #4, and made small talk with the young girl. It seemed so long ago that she had asked why he was so much happier, but he couldn't lie to himself any longer. This exchange he had with these letters did make him happy. It made even the most boring and mundane chores bearable, if not fun. Grocery shopping had turned into something he enjoyed, something he looked forward to.

Suddenly, Alfred was grateful he replied to the first letter, all those months ago. He was glad they started their rocky relationship, annoying and pissing each other off. However, the letters slowly transitioned from hostile to annoyed to curious. His only hope was that he could coax them into an actual friendship, they had come so far.

He briefly wondered if Arthur already considered them friends, or if he kept denying their friendship. Either way, it didn't really matter if they could only talk once per week, through letters. Walking out to his car with his bagged groceries, Alfred bit his lip in concentration. He would have to think of a plan to get them to meet face-to-face.

Hopefully everything turned out okay.