Serenity Courage Wisdom
Chapter 2
Sharon didn't sleep that night after Andy left. She tossed and turned. She would doze off for a few minutes but couldn't get Andy's words out of her head. Logically she knew there were things that she could not control in this world. She had seen enough in over twenty years with the LAPD to know that. She had eventually known that she could not control Jack's drinking and gambling. However, she had always managed to keep her children safe. She had always managed to keep her priorities in line so that she gave them what they needed. Now, Andy was challenging all of that.
Then there was the other matter. He had told her that he loved her. What was so unusual was he didn't tell her that he loved her because he wanted something from her. He told her he loved her so that she would know he would be there for her, however she needed him to be. Sharon truly didn't know what to make of that. She wanted to trust Andy, to count on him, but she honestly didn't know how.
As she was getting out of the shower Sharon heard her phone ringing. She picked it up off the counter of her bathroom, it was Andy. "Hello" she answered nervously. "Hey, I just wanted to check on you. I know I said a lot last night and I wanted to see if you were all right." Andy said. Sharon was quiet on the other end for a minute. "You left me with a lot to think about and honestly I don't know how to work it all out." She finally told him honestly.
"How about you try and talk about it with your friend Andy." He said, and Sharon could almost see the sheepish grin on his face over the phone. "We could meet for brunch." He added. Sharon hesitated again but finally said, "Andy, I want to be fair to you…"
"Sharon let me be responsible for what I can and cannot handle. I can handle listening to my friend talk about what's going on in her life…if she wants me to listen." Andy told her.
Sharon sighed and smiled, she had treated him so badly recently but here he was offering her so much. "All right, give me an hour?" she said.
They met at a small place down the street from her condo. After they ordered Sharon pulled a notebook and pen from her purse. "So, I tried making lists.." she started and Andy couldn't help but smile. It was so perfectly her. He leaned over and looked at her paper, "Its blank." He said with a small chuckle. "I know." She said looking away from him, "I really don't know where to start. This all feels so much bigger than just a simple list." She finished.
"Because it is" Andy said placing his hand over hers. "Sharon the problem is you cannot logically figure all of this out. Faith has to play a part in it somewhere. You have to have faith that even though you aren't the one controlling everything that things can still turn out all right."
Sharon glanced out the window next to them. "Faith, I have never been very good at that." She said quietly.
Andy looked at her in surprise. "Sharon, you're Catholic. You are so Catholic you stayed married to a man that you didn't live with for twenty years and you sent all of your kids to Catholic school, now I'm a little out of practice but I'm pretty sure they teach something about faith in the Catholic church."
Sharon hummed and pursed her lips, "They also teach a lot about rules and order. The right way of doing things. That's the part I always found comfort in. I knew what the rules were and I could follow them. My faith was in the rules and the system."
Andy looked at her, he wondered if she had ever admitted that to anyone before, or herself. If it was even possible he loved her even more for it. "So, it must have stung when you followed the rules and it didn't work out the way you thought it would." He said tenderly
Sharon looked at him in surprise, "What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well, following the rules didn't keep Jack at home or sober, it didn't keep Stroh from escaping. Sharon, you have to accept that no matter how much you follow the rules not everyone is going to. You've taught me that it is important to still follow them anyways. Now maybe it's my turn to teach you something." He explained.
"What's that?' She asked
"That recognizing that you can't control everything doesn't mean you actually have less control. You are simply acknowledging what is already true." He told her.
Sharon looked at him for a few minutes unsure of what to say. They sat there for several minutes neither of them talking but Andy could tell that she was thinking about what he had said. "So how do you know the difference?" She finally asked.
"Between what you can and cannot change? It's not easy and I get hung up in that area a lot. For me I ask myself some questions. Have I tried my best? Have I thought about others? Have I thought about what I need? Most importantly, have I been honest with myself and others? If you really want to make a list maybe try making one of the things that have already happened that you could not change and what happened in your life because of them."
Sharon found herself staring at him again. This time she reached over and took his hand, "Thank you Andy, for everything."
They ate their brunch and talked comfortably about other subjects. Andy walked her to her car when they finished. He reached out and put his and on the side of her face, "Are you going to be all right?" he asked her. She smiled a genuine smile at him, "Yes, I feel a lot better. I still have a lot to think about but I think I know where to start. Thank you Andy, again." She told him before kissing him on the cheek. As he turned to leave she grabbed his hand again. He smiled at her, "You're making a habit of that." He teased her. "Andy, this might not be easy for me, promise me something no matter how much I push you away that my friend Andy will keep showing up. I need him." Andy pulled her close, he knew that for her to admit that she needed anyone was a huge step. "Always" he said kissing the top of her head, "Call me later" he said as he put her into her car.
Sharon turned out of the parking lot but didn't head home. She wasn't entirely sure where she was going but she knew she needed a place to think. She found herself at St. Joseph's the church had a small chapel that she knew would be open. She found herself automatically going through the rituals as she entered finding comfort in them. She lit a candle and found her way to a pew in the back of the chapel. She sat there for several minutes trying to collect her thoughts. She sound it impossible to complete a thought. She was growing frustrated and about to leave when she remembered the card Andy had given her the night before. She pulled it out of her purse and ran her fingers over it. It was so worn and faded she could barely make the words out on it anymore. She wondered how many times in the early days of his sobriety Andy had held it the same way. Sharon didn't need to read it though she was knew the words already. It was not the kind of prayer you said in the Catholic Church usually but she knew they were the words that echoed the cry of her heart. She closed her eyes and whispered them quietly out loud, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
After she prayed the prayer she remembered Andy's words from earlier. She pulled back out the notebook that was sitting blank in her purse and started a list of things that she had not been able to change in her life. Of course at the top of that list was Jack. She had loved him, enabled him, yelled at him, and finally divorced him and he still couldn't stay sober or stop gambling. She was quiet and still for a minute as she thought about what had happened in her life because of that. Pain, was her first thought. So much pain for both her and her children. Then she thought further and thought about the decisions she had made because of Jack's actions. If he hadn't lost all of their money she would have gone to law school. She would never had joined the LAPD. The career she loved and all of the relationships she had would never have happened. If she hadn't joined the LAPD she wouldn't have one of her children. That thought sent a shockwave of emotion through her. If she had been able to change Jack she wouldn't have Rusty. It made no sense to her. How could something that had been so painful also have led to something that brought her so much joy?
Sharon turned the page in her notebook and wrote "Rusty". When he first came into her life she wanted so desperately to fix all of his problems. She wanted to find his mother for him. She wanted Sharon Beck to be clean and sober and to mother him the way he needed. Sharon had not been able to make that happen. When Daniel came along as much as it hurt she wanted Rusty to know what a family could be. She wanted Daniel to love Rusty and give him a family. He was not the man to do that. If she had been able to change either of them Rusty would not be part of her family today. She would not get the pleasure of watching him grown into such an incredible young man.
She turned the page again and wrote on the top of the page, Major Crimes. She didn't want to take the positon. She had dealt with that division so much and they hated her. Pope and Taylor however left her no choice. She had been unable to change their minds and she stepped into the position. She smiled when she thought about it now because her team was now such a part of her life. They had her back and she had theirs. She had never felt more at peace in her professional life than she did now.
Sharon turned the page one more time. There was only one place left to go and she wasn't sure that she wanted to go there because it was still so current and unresolved. She took a deep breath and wrote his name the top of the page "Andy". It wasn't that she wanted to change Andy, not at all. Maybe when she had first met him she had wanted him to change his temper but he had worked on that. No there was nothing about Andy that she wanted to change at all except for the way she felt about him. She had never planned on starting any kind of relationship with him outside of work. He had seemed so lost the day of Nicole's wedding that she had to try and help him out. Then things just started to happen slowly, The Nutcracker, dinner once a week, dinner twice a week, the Dodger's game, the charity banquet, suddenly it was more dinners together than apart. Then it was Christmas and he had worked with her kids on the party. That night after everyone had left and it was just the two of them in her office, after he gave her that angel, she had slipped her arms around his neck and kissed him. That was three weeks before Stroh had escaped. They never labeled their relationship but it was different after that and they both knew it. Until Stroh escaped and Sharon pulled back. However despite her best effort, despite the distance she put between them she could not change how she felt about him. Probably because he kept showing up just like he did last night and today. He was always there in case she needed him. He made it completely impossible to change what she felt for him. She loved him.
Suddenly a feeling settled over her as she read back over her notes. Her son, her team, Andy, all things she would not have if she had been able to change things. At first she was unable to identify the feeling. Then she remembered Andy's card, "Serenity" she whispered quietly.
Sharon was surprised to see that the sun was starting to set outside the windows. She had no idea that she had sat there for so long. She put her notebook inside her purse and made her way from the chapel. She pulled out her phone. A text from Rusty and one from Andy. Rusty was staying another night at Tao's. Andy was just checking on her. She took a breath before texting him, "I'm better, can I come over?" He told her he would start dinner for them. Sharon took a breath before starting the car suddenly filled with nerves, "Courage," she said out loud, "give me courage."
A/N Thank you so much for all of the wonderfully thoughtful comments/favorites and follows to the first chapter. I'm glad so many of you felt a connection to it!