I woke up but I felt something hard only to open my eyes to a cold floor. Then my mind went back to the screaming, crying, and burning. I got up practically limping. Every step I took hurt. I went to the bathroom and looked at myself my face had a bruise on one cheek and a burn mark on another. As I touched my face tears slid down my eyes and I slid down the wall. Once I hit the floor my hands reached up and grabbed the razor from the sink. I grabbed it and pressed down until my flesh tore. Each cut a little deeper.

One for lying to Eli.

One for being the cause of my parents relationship.

One for just sitting there crying while he touched my sister.

One for being so fucking useless

Each cut made more tears come down. Not from the physical pain but mental pain.

I got up and took off the bloody clothes. And I stepped into the shower. The hot water ran down and hit every bruise and scar on my skin making me wince in pain. I took the soap and washcloth and scrubbed every inch of my body. This happened all the time. Every time my dad beat me I felt dirty. I could never get the feeling of his big clammy dirty hands out of my mind and all the bruises he caused with them.

Every scar and bruise each one reminding me why I'm hated so much he hits me. I know no matter how hard my mom tries to hide it she fucking hates me.

Because I am the reason my dad hurts the family.

I'm the reason my mom never comes home from work

I'm the reason Darcy was raped.

I got out the shower thinking all the reasons my dad hates me and I wonder if it's because he never wanted an ugly fat fuck as his daughter. Now thinking about it I don't blame him as I stand naked in front of the mirror looking at the flabby overweight reflection staring at me. I couldn't take it anymore. So I ran to the toilet with tears streaming down my eyes and dropped my bare knees on the floor and stuck my finger down my throat only to have a gag reflex but I couldn't stop I had to get the food out of my system. After a couple of tries the food I had eaten had come up. I was coughing and sobbing and I couldn't stop. It felt good I felt myself one step closer to perfection…. I got up and brushed my teeth rinsing away all the puke. I slowly trudged to my room stripping into my pajamas. Putting headphones in my ear I pressed play on the song I lay down drifting off to sleep but not before my last thought

"What would Eli think of this?"

"What would Eli think of this?"… I stared in my mirror while getting ready for school. I was putting on my usual attire a gray long sleeve shirt and black sweatpants with combat boots. I looked in the mirror as I put on makeup to cover up the bruises and thought back to the time where I would have my long wavy hair with my glasses. This was when I used to wear nothing but floral print dresses. That was then when I was happy and not worrying what my boyfriend would think of my self-harm. I concluded my answer Eli would be happy he would finally have a skinny girlfriend. Something I know he always wanted. I didn't realize tears were streaming down until I looked in my mirror. I quickly wiped the tears and ran downstairs looking at the kitchen it was taunting me but I knew if I ever wanted to be skinny that's a no-no. I closed the door and started to run to school. I forgot Eli was supposed to drive me to school he was sitting outside my house the whole time. He started to follow me and honked the horn.

I turned around to see his gorgeous face. I walked and climbed into the front of the hearse.

"I'm hurt Clare you would rather run to school than see my face"

The green eyed boy said feigning hurt. Though it was a joke you could still hear the concern in his voice. He started driving then we finally got to school.

"Blue Eyes"

That nickname made my heart melt

" What's wrong"

"Nothing"

I said lying straight through my teeth.

" Thanks Eli for asking"

"No problem Blue Eyes, um you know we still have 20 minutes before school starts"

And with that his lips captured mine into a kiss that made me forget everything including my bruises. The kiss was full of the closeness we needed after being distant this kiss was getting a little carried away and his hand found its way to the hem shirt revealing my bruised stomach. Before he could notice I slightly pushed him up and said

"Stop" while staring into his eyes. "Why? Why Clare It seems like you don't want to be with me"

"Well excuse me for thinking my boyfriend wanted me and not the sex" I screamed and completely pushed him off of me. "Clare I didn't mea-"But before he could finish I got out the car and slammed the door running up the stairs with tears in my eyes. My vision was a little blurry but clears enough to get to first period on time. The whole three periods I had to listen to my stomach growl and remind myself I didn't need food all it did was make me fat. Finally the bell rang signaling lunch time I hurried trying to find Eli to apologize for my outburst but then I saw it more like saw them. Eli and Imogen sitting together laughing and talking. I know it seems like I'm over reacting but she is everything I'm not. She is pretty, confidant, and most importantly skinny. Plus Eli seemed like he enjoyed her company more than mine anyway so I ran to the library where no one will try to make me eat. I picked up a book on quotes and sat down and started to read. But one quote was trapped inside my head.

There is such a thing as perfection... and our purpose for living is to find that perfection and show it forth... Each of us is in truth an unlimited idea of freedom. Everything that limits us we have to put aside. (Richard Bach).

This stuck to me because my purpose of living was to be perfect and in my mind the only way to be perfect was to be skinny.

(A/n yup I'm bringing Imogen in this you will meet her in the next chapter I don't want to give away too much but she is going to have a huge effect on Clare reaching her boiling point. Um reason you haven't seen me in a while well there are two reasons first I need help on ideas so if you have any put them in your comment and second this commenter 'k' said something mean but I realized I'm not here for everyone to like me well bye till next time