ETWentHome, thank you, I'm really happy you enjoyed it! I hope Cal can believe Ethan's words too. And I hope Ethan will actually manage to say some words in tonight's episode!
Tanith Panic, you asked for more, you get more! I really hope you like it. Thank you so much for your review.
CBloom2, I'm sure he has too. I'd definitely forgive him after that. Either that or I'd forget there was anything to forgive him for. Thank you for the review!
Becs2202, I was annoyed too - but it was so near the end of the episode, it probably worked better for Ethan to say nothing than to try to resolve everything in a couple of sentences. I hope they'll talk tonight! Thank you for the review.
Sorry this is so long - I would make this into two chapters, but I wanted to get it all finished and posted before tonight's episode.
Cal stared at Ethan as though he could hardly believe what he was hearing. Then his eyes filled with tears again. Ethan put his arm around him and tried to keep his own emotions at bay. If he'd ever truly believed he hated Cal, the physical ache inside him now would have proved him wrong.
A few minutes passed. Cal's breathing gradually slowed. He blinked his tears away, but Ethan knew he was barely in control. He held him for a moment longer. "Would you like your tea now?"
Cal nodded. They were both silent as they drank. Ethan kept an eye on Cal and was relieved to note he seemed calmer, but he was only too aware that the effects of Matt's words hadn't left him. Perhaps they never would, but Ethan hoped Cal knew he didn't have to deal with it on his own.
"It is true what I said though," said Cal when they'd finished their tea.
"Of course it's not!" said Ethan, in full comforting mode now.
"You don't even know what I'm talking about yet," said Cal with a faint smile. "I mean I don't have a career plan, a girlfriend, a social life outside work or my own home. You can't say that's not true."
Ethan couldn't, but he still tried to comfort Cal. "I don't have all those things. I don't suppose I'll ever have a girlfriend and the only reason I have any kind of social life at all is because you keep dragging me to the pub."
"But you don't want a girlfriend or a social life," said Cal. "I do. I want someone to share my life with. Not just my bed for one night. My whole life. Forever."
Ethan hesitated. He actually felt quite lonely at times, but they weren't talking about Ethan now. "I'd like to try to help, Cal. I do have a couple of ideas. But this is a bit outside my field of expertise. I've hardly had any girlfriends and I've never had a one-night stand. I think I might have been offered one once or twice, but I'm not completely sure. I might have misinterpreted what they were saying."
Cal gave a shaky laugh. "Just do your best, Nibbles. You can't do any worse than me."
Ethan set his shoulders. "Okay. I'm sure you'll find a girlfriend once you're ready to start looking. You just need to look in different places. You're not going to find anything long-term by hanging round bars, picking up girls." Ethan began to warm to his theme. "I know what you should do. Think of a few things you're interested in and then get involved with something like that outside work. Then maybe you'll find a girlfriend and some new friends."
Cal shook his head, but he was close to smiling. "I can't believe you're telling me how to meet girls and get a social life!"
"Oh, it's probably not very good advice," said Ethan, deflated, but then Cal gave him a proper smile.
"No, it's good advice, Nibbles. It really is. I should listen to it and so should you. Seriously. Thank you."
Ethan gave a cautious "you're welcome" and Cal continued gloomily:
"I don't know how I'm going to get my own home though. Too many loan repayments."
"I don't think there's much point in buying a home yet," said Ethan. "The thing about houses and even flats is that they either tend to be too big for one person or too small for anyone to move in and share it with you. And if you do buy somewhere big enough for two and then find someone you want to share it with, they might not like it. You don't want to spend lots of money on getting your home how you want it and end up having to tear it all down because your girlfriend thinks purple doesn't go with orange."
Cal's laugh was a lot more convincing this time. "If a girl doesn't think purple goes with orange, she wouldn't be the girl of my dreams."
Ethan smiled. As Cal didn't like purple or orange as far as Ethan was aware, that had to be a joke. "I think you should stay here with me till you find someone you want to share a home with and then choose somewhere together," said Ethan. Wistfully, he added: "I've never done it, of course, and I probably never will, but it does sound fun. Choosing a home with someone; moving in and then decorating it together; making it completely yours and hers."
He was half-expecting Cal to reject that idea on the grounds that Ethan had thought of it, but Cal was nodding. "Yeah, that's a good point actually, Nibbles. And if we choose it together, she could pay for half of it!"
Ethan smiled, knowing that comment wasn't completely serious either, but a moment later, Cal was looking sad again. "Cal? What is it?"
Cal sighed. "I still don't have a career plan."
"Finally: something I know a little bit about!" said Ethan, and was rewarded with another smile from Cal. "I actually don't think your career's going badly at all. You're progressing. You're learning new things and gaining new experiences all the time. When you're feeling better, we can look at where you are and set targets, if you like. But even though it's good to have a career plan and look ahead, the most important thing – the most important thing by far - is what's happening now. It's the current patient that matters, not the next one and certainly not the ones five or ten years in the future."
Cal looked as though that hadn't really occurred to him. "I suppose that is the most important thing. The patient's future is really much more important than mine." Then the brightness that had momentarily filled his eyes faded. "But it is a bit pathetic that I'm still a registrar at my age."
"Hey, don't knock being a registrar!" said Ethan, and had a quick look at Cal to make sure he hadn't hurt his feelings. "You're not pathetic, Cal. Not at all. You're not all that much older than I am and it's been easier for me. I had a lot more support than you. And when we started here, you were a locum and I had a permanent contract. So they probably did focus more on me. They didn't know then how impossible it would be to get rid of you." He smiled as Cal turned uncertainly to face him. "Believe me, Cal. They haven't kept you on for my sake! The reason you're still here is because you're a good doctor. A very good doctor. I might be a bit further ahead of you in some things, but in other ways, I'll never catch you up."
Cal shook his head. "You don't have to try to make me feel better, Ethan."
Ethan hesitated, unsure how to put it. "I do want to make you feel better, but I'm telling the truth as well. You're a good doctor in terms of the medical side, but it's your compassion I really admire. I hope I feel compassion for my patients. I'm sure I do. But I can't show it like you do. You care so much, and not just about the things that you've been asked to treat. You realised there was something else wrong with Matt and you found out what it was. Not just by testing everything methodically like I would. You were intelligent enough to be able to work it out and you cared enough to try. But it wasn't even just that. You saw that the charity was important to Matt and you did everything you could to help him, even though he'd really hurt you. I'm not saying you're perfect because you're not. There are times when you aren't much of a brother and you can be a really annoying flatmate. But you're a very good doctor and a very good man. And I'm proud of you, Cal."
Cal looked a bit confused. He looked at Ethan as though he could hardly believe what his brother was saying.
"I mean it," said Ethan. "I wouldn't have wasted my breath if I didn't. I know it isn't enough; I know I can't just tell you you're great and expect you to believe it. I know that even if I can make you believe it today, it doesn't mean you'll still believe it tomorrow. I only wish it were that easy. But I'm here, Cal. Anytime you need me."
Again, Cal said nothing, but he reached for Ethan's hand and gripped it tightly. "I don't want to be a waste of space anymore, Ethan."
"Cal, you're not a waste of space." Ethan spoke calmly and firmly. "And I think I'd know better than someone who only met you today."
Cal continued as though Ethan hadn't spoken. "I don't want to waste my future. Because I'm lucky to have one. Some people don't. A lot of people won't live as long as I have."
"And most people will never achieve in a whole lifetime what you've achieved so far," said Ethan. "I'm not saying you're perfect, but you've helped so many people. Including me."
"But I could still do more," said Cal. "And if I could do more, doesn't that mean I'm wasting my life?"
"You can't do everything," said Ethan. "No-one can do everything they're capable of. There aren't enough hours in the day."
"But I could do more," said Cal. He looked determinedly at Ethan. "So I'm going to do more. I'm not sure what or how or any of that. I'll need to think about it. But I will do more."
Ethan couldn't help feeling a few doubts. Cal had never stuck at anything except medical school. But perhaps that was because no-one had really supported him before. "I know you will, Cal. And if you need any help, I've been making career plans since I was five."
Cal smiled reminiscently. "Was that the one that went: 'Be doctor. Save peeples lives. Be hansom like Caleb'? Well, congratulations, Nibbles. You've achieved two out of three already."
They both laughed. For once, Ethan was quite pleased to be insulted. It showed Cal was feeling better and that was what he wanted, more than anything.
"What would you like your career plan to be?" asked Ethan.
"Let's see." Cal thought for a moment. "'Be better doctor. Make peeples lives better. Be strong and grown-up like Ethan'. How's that?"
Ethan was surprised by a rush of genuine affection. "Honestly, I think you can aim a bit higher than that. But it sounds like an excellent place to start."
Ethan knew it would take time. Whatever Cal decided he wanted to do, it wouldn't be easy and there would be many problems on the way. He knew Cal would annoy him and he would annoy Cal and there would be times when both of them wished they'd never started this.
But he didn't say any of that. For now, all that mattered was that Cal wanted to try. His self-esteem had taken another bashing and his recovery would take time, but he wasn't giving up on himself, any more than he would give up on one of his patients.
"Inspirational chap," Ethan said for the second time that evening.
Cal looked far from pleased. "Yes, all right. He is. And perceptive."
"I wasn't talking about Matt," said Ethan. "I meant you."