"Boys?! Are you guys up yet?! It's just past midday, we're home!" mum calls from hallway, penetrating into my dream and waking me up with a startle. I jolt awake and notice that PJ is lying beside me, rubbing his eyes and stretching his legs out,
"How're you feeling?" he whispers without looking at me, obviously trying to make sure I'm alright before my mum inevitably comes marching in, searching for her children.
"Better. I'm sorry for everything…" I whisper back, "Thank you,"
"It's okay, it was a rough night. We all have them sometimes, yours just happened to be a little bit extremely rough," he says, leaning over to hug me. I close my eyes and lean into his embrace, he's probably the best person on the earth.
"Aw, boys!" My mum's voice coos from the doorway, causing PJ to let go of me and sit up a little straighter, "You two are so-"
"If you say cute, I swear to god that I will leave you without grandkids," I threaten her with a grin and she pouts at me. Mum really wants grandkids one day, I wonder how that will play out if I marry a guy… "
"Fine," she laughs, "Any plans for the day?"
"I'm going out with my friend Jessica tonight," PJ speaks up, "We're going to her friend's eighteenth."
"Oh, sounds good! Be safe and don't do anything I wouldn't do," she winks and we all laugh,
"Well, that severely limits my fun," PJ teases with a smirk.
"How about you, Daniel? Any plans?" she looks at me expectantly,
"I was gonna go to my friend's house tonight…" I say quietly,
"Are you staying over, or…?"
"I'm not sure, I'll text you when I know," I assure her.
"Which friend is this?" she asks, letting her motherly nature show, and I do appreciate her love and caring, it's just that… I don't know what to say.
"Uh…" I pause, "His name is Phil."
"Wait, you're actually still friends with Phil?" PJ looks over at me, shocked, "But like, you know… At school with Chris…?"
"Yeah, I know, but he doesn't blame me for that and we spoke again at school. We're actually getting to be really good friends," I inform them both as PJ looks on and mum attempts to take in as many details as possible for her motherly information bank.
"Peej, do you know this Phil boy, too?" she catches on, curious,
"Yeah," he answers her, still looking at me, "He's in my art class and a few others. We've talked a few times too, we're sort of friends at school, in class, I guess."
"Maybe I could meet his parents then?" mum smiles and I shake my head. She gives me a curious look, telling me to elaborate on my gesture.
"He doesn't really have a relationship with his parents at the moment, he doesn't live with them…" I tell them, "But please don't mention this to anyone because I don't know how many people he would want knowing things like that. He lives by himself."
"Oh. That's a shame…" she says before beaming again, "How about you tell him that whenever he'd like some company, he's more than welcome to come over here, okay? And if he needs any motherly love, I have plenty to share around," she laughs, and Peej and I smile at her, appreciative of her kind nature and the fact that she's always here for us. Then she stops laughing. "Dan, sweetie…" her voice drops, "What've you done to your arm?"
It's half four in the afternoon and Mum's dropping PJ and our friend Jessica off at their party. Apparently they'd volunteered to help set up and get things going. I'm nervous. I'm going to see Phil. My friend, Phil. That kissed me. That I kissed back! …I think. What's going to happen? Is he going to kiss me again? Is he going to expect that I kiss him? Does he think that kissing me was a mistake? He's never brought it up… not that we've had a million opportunities to talk about it, but still!
"Dan, are you still here?" Jamie calls from the kitchen, and rather than yelling back to tell him I'm here, I get up and wander into the white and chocolate-grey kitchen, stopping at the breakfast bench and looking up at him.
"I'm here," I say, smiling smartly because yes, obviously he knows where I am now that I'm standing right in front of him.
"Good, good," he answers with a smile, "Your mother filled me in about the glass last night and I had a look at the remains this afternoon and, seriously Dan, how do you manage these things?"
"With great skill and super-human-like powers?" I suggest with an embarrassed shrug, I know that they talked to Peej about it in better detail after mum noticed the dressing, but I have this feeling in my stomach that they're not entirely convinced. This time, however, Jamie seems to accept my response.
"What time are you leaving tonight?" he asks, continuing to dry the glasses and dishes from the dishwasher.
"In about fifteen minutes," I sigh. He pauses his wiping and looks at me for a moment as if he's trying to figure out what to say,
"Where'd you say you were going tonight?" Jamie asks after a short moment.
"To my friend's house," I tell him plainly, "His name's Phil."
"Have I met Phil?" he genuinely looks as if he's trying to recall whether or not either PJ or I have mentioned him before.
"No," I mumble, "Is that a problem…?" He contemplates for a second and looks down ever so slightly into my eyes with a somewhat serious expression before shaking his head.
"No drugs, though," he laughs, and I join in, "No smoking, and no drinking."
"No drugs, no smoking and no drinking," I repeat respectfully but with a playful smile. I know he means it, but he trusts me. I don't really have any use for those things anyway, we both know he has nothing to worry about in that sense.
"How're you going anyway, mate?" he smiles at me, "You alright?"
Uh… That's a good question. I pull my lips into a smile and sit on the stool beside me,
"Yeah, I'm fine," I say, taking a reasonable sized breath,
"You're sure?" he makes sure, and I nod with a smile as he closes the glassware cupboard. "So, your friend, Phil?"
"What about him?" I perk up, a little excited by the idea that I get to talk about him,
"You two good friends?"
"Getting there," I beam, "He's really great, like, he's such a good person, and he's confident about things and he's nice, and he's not resentful. It's just… impressive, you know?"
"Sounds like you really like him," Jamie says with a smile, "Is he new?"
"He's new," I laugh,
"Anything else I should know about him?" Jamie asks with a raised eyebrow. What does he mean by that?
"Um, no?" I question, standing up and grabbing my set of keys from the hook by the fruit bowl, "What do you mean?" I decide to just ask him straight out.
"I mean, is there anything else," he forces his throat to clear, "that I should know about him?"
"Like what?" I breathe. I'm a little concerned now. I don't… I don't like where this is going, and I don't know what he's implying…
"Nothing," he tugs at a small smile, "Just be safe and use protection, okay?"
Be safe? Use protection? What the fuck does that mean? I mean, I know what he means, but why the hell would he think that?!
"What- What the hell are you talking about?" I ask, putting the keys down on the bench loudly.
"Daniel, I know things. Your mum and I discuss most things, and she told me about Phil," He grins in amusement, "And about 'Philippa'… and while your mother hasn't quite put two and two together, I have."
"And what have you calculated then?" I ask warily,
"If you like this boy – Phil - then that's okay, you don't need to feel like you have to hide it," he smiles, walking around the bench and put his arm around me, "You know that your mum will support you no matter what, PJ's not going to think of you any differently either, he cares about you and you're the best friend he's ever had, and I'm always going to see you as my second son, no matter what. Now, I'm not going to say anything to your mum or anyone else, but as long as you know that nothing bad will happen if you choose to, then that's enough for me, alright?"
Oh my god. I resist the urge to slap my palm against my forehead and bite my lip instead, Jamie knows. How could I have been so careless? Holy fuck, I'm an idiot! I mean, he says that it's all fine and he's not yelling at me or disowning me or anything, and that's good. That's great! I can't even begin to explain the relief flowing through my body, I feel my legs wobble a little as my mind loses focus on doing the whole balance thing, and I lean against the breakfast bar.
"Jamie…" I try to smuggle my smile, "I- uh… Thanks,"
"You and PJ though, you're not…?" he queries, and I can't supress my grin or my laughter,
"No, Jamie," I laugh, "PJ and I are not," I say, not completing my sentence as he knows exactly what I mean.
"I didn't mean anything by that!" he justifies, "It's just that your mum found the two of you in your room this morning and a few times before and I never considered that maybe there was a possibility-"
"It's okay," I laugh again, but he continues rambling and I just stand there, listening in amusement until I properly tune in again,
"…And then you two were sleeping in your room and had changed the bed sheets, and after it hit me I was a little worried because we've never really sat down and had a proper discussion about things like that, and- why are you giggling? Oh hell. I'm sorry, I'm not helping, am I?"
"Not in the slightest, but it's funny, so you're forgiven," I chuckle.
"The fact that you started laughing at the idea of a sex talk means that you're too young to be doing anything like that, so I trust you will take that into consideration," he nods exaggeratedly.
"I would never dream of doing such things," I smirk, picking up my keys and beginning to walk toward the front door,
"Prepare yourself for a proper talk tomorrow afternoon! Tell PJ his presence is mandatory!" He calls after me.
Phil's house has so much light in it, it's really pleasant and homely despite the fact that it's been poorly decorated by a teenaged boy. Phil crosses the room and tosses a throw blanket over a large lump of something in the corner as I step properly into the house.
"How're you going, babe?" he asks, wandering back over to me, and I smile.
"Not too horribly," I chuckle, "How about you?"
"I haven't seen another human being since school yesterday," he laughs, "So, needless to say, I'm good. What's up, you look a little… weird?"
"PJ's dad has made a time for him, PJ and I to sit down and have 'the talk'," I tell him with a skeptic and entertained face.
"Is he unaware of the fact that you're almost seventeen and not twelve?" He asks with a short laugh, "Or that pretty much everyone our age is already sexually active?"
"I don't think he's unaware, per se," I say with a chuckle, "But more that he's very much aware of what goes on with everyone in the house and the fact that I… am not."
"Ah," he says, "That's a bit cute." I open my mouth to protest but he beats me to it. "What happened to your arm?'
"I, um…" I don't know what to tell him, he looks genuinely concerned,
"It wasn't wrapped up like that yesterday, was it?" he asks again,
"No, it was not," I confess awkwardly.
He seems to ponder a moment before running his hand from the tip of my shoulder and down my arm to hold it up a little by my hand.
"What happened?" he asks again.
"I knocked over a glass and then… the blood… happened?" I answer extremely ungracefully,
"Jesus, Dan," he laughs, "You're in the wars lately, aren't you?"
"Seems like it," I mumble.
"You're really adorable," he chuckles, and squeezes my hand. I had completely forgotten he was still holding it, it just feels so natural, "Hey, Dan?"
I smile at him, "Yeah?" I ask, stepping a little closer because, well, because why not?
"You can say no, it's okay, I'll back off completely, but… can I kiss you again?" he asks me, and my stomach flips, my heart jumps in my chest and I feel warm and tingly all over, "If you don't want to, we can just be friends if, um… if you still want to be?"
"Yeah…" I whisper as his other hand finds its way to my waist, "You can kiss me."
He steps closer to me and I can feel my heart thumping erratically in my chest, he's getting closer, and closer, and suddenly I'm smiling into his lips. I want to kiss him back like a normal person probably would, but I can't stop the smile. His hand finds my face and strokes my cheek tenderly, his thumb brushing over my dimple, causing me to giggle a little, he chuckles too and his lips move to my cheek for a small peck and he moves away again, taking both of my hands in his.
I'm literally speechless.
"Dan, are you going to say something?" he murmurs, and I shake my head, quickly fixing my hair,
"No, are you?" I joke, unable to take in the situation properly without throwing in a stupid comment, but I guess it is okay because he's laughing.
"You're not freaked out?" he asks,
"Nope,"
"Are you okay?"
"I'm okay," I breathe, wishing I could spout off about how I feel such a strange, wonderful connection to him, how I feel safe with him, how everything bad disappears and falls away when I'm with him, how he's so incredible and how… how I want nothing more than to be close to him.
"I really like you, Dan… I know we haven't spent a huge amount of time together or anything, but I like you. You're… special, and adorable," he smiles shyly. I drop his hands and he looks scared, which is a look I'd never seen grace his features, it's a look I never want to see him portray again, and I wrap my arms around his waist, burying my face in his chest a little.
"I like you too," I admit, "It's strange, and I like that."
"Wanna play some video games?" he suggests with a chortle,
"God, yes," I laugh, and he takes me into the living room, "I'm gonna beat you, though," I say sternly, and I do. I beat him at literally everything he pulls out, even with a slice of pizza in my hand, and suddenly it's been three and a half hours.
"Do you have a time you have to be home, or…?" Phil asks as the game's home screen pops back up on the TV,
"Nope," I say, "Just whenever you kick me out," I joke, flopping onto the beanbag on the floor.
"I guess that means you're moving in then," he replies with the most appealing chuckle,
"Ha, ha, what time do you want me to go?" I ask, dropping my head back and looking at him from the awkward angle.
"You could stay over if you want to?"
"Are you sure?" I ask sceptically,
"I'm sure," he smiles, "I like your company."
The night's gone by so quickly, Phil looks really good in the artificial lighting, better by far than the average person. There's something so appealing about his entire being, and there's a craving within me to be as close to him as possible. I trust him. He walks back into his bedroom, joining me, and begins to rummage through his drawers for something for the two of us to wear to bed. He tosses me a pair of tracksuit pants and begins to change in front of me, clearly not ashamed of his body in the slightest, not that he has anything to be embarrassed about – he's beautiful. I quietly suck in a breath of air as I take in his pale skin, his well-distributed body hair, the shape of his body, the dusting of a light pink on his exposed arms to contrast the white that may never have seen the sun. He's literally breath-taking. He catches me staring and grins a little, "You're not so bad yourself," he chuckles.
He catches my blush and looks down my body,
"Sorry," I apologise, he just shakes his head and continues to smile at me.
"Want me to leave so you can get dressed?" he asks, gesturing toward the door. I'm not sure what it is, but I don't want him to leave. I sort of want him to look at me the way I found myself staring at him, I want him to want me.
"Nah, its fine," I say, lifting my shirt over my head and standing up, "You can stay." I unzip my jeans and let them drop to the floor. I pull on the tracksuit pants he provided me and sit back down, not bothering with a shirt or anything, and sure enough, he's checking me out.
We climb into his bed, as we'd already agreed to, and he pulls the duvet up over the two of us. The warmth settles its increase between us and I can still feel the cool night air, Phil shuffles a little and looks at me deeply,
"You're really pretty," he says, and I hold in my laugh – very poorly.
"You're breath-taking," I tell him, reflecting off of my earlier thoughts,
"Isn't it weird that being breath-taking and taking someone's breath away mean the same thing? Unless, like, it's not breath-taking, as in taking a breath, but it's breath-taking as in taking their breath away, like… shortening it…" he whispers,
"What even are you?" I laugh, "You're so…"
"I know I am," he pokes his tongue out and slides his arm over my hips and around my waist, allowing me to shuffle close and cuddle against him, "You're so cute," he chuckles.
"Alright," Jamie breathes as he takes a seat on the couch in front of PJ and me. He literally rearranged the living room for this. He moved the small loveseat directly in front of the large couch, placing the coffee table right in between.
"Alright," PJ laughs at him, clearly not taking this as seriously as his dad would like,
"Where's mum?" I ask,
"I've sent your mum out to- actually, I didn't send her out anywhere, she said she wanted some new work shirts, so she's at the shops I think," Jamie replies, "Now. We're going to be having an important discussion today,"
"The sex talk," PJ finishes.
"Yes, PJ. The sex talk. I'm going to be taking this very seriously, and I expect the two of you to as well," he says, taking turns to look both of us in the eyes for affirmation.
"Are you boys comfortable having this talk together?" he asks us, and we both nod, "Good. Now, are either of you sexually active already?"
"Dad, you know that we're not," PJ answers him,
"Okay, yeah, but who knows what's happened since the last time I asked?" he looks at me and waits for me to respond. I shake my head.
"You've never asked…" PJ comments,
"Never asked YOU," Jamie says to him, and I laugh. PJ turns to look at me as if asking if his dad had spoken to me about it. I nod and PJ laughs, mumbling a giggly apology. Jamie focuses us again and we turn to look at him, "I'm just going to give you guys the basics. Condoms. Use them. You don't want to get a poor, young girl pregnant. Don't do that, it's bad and your mother and I aren't going to be paying for a baby. We pay for you two, we're not paying for our baby's babies."
"No babies, got it," PJ writes down in the note book that Jamie had provided for his "lesson",
"Dan, no babies, understood?" Jamie confirms,
"Not a problem," I force a small chuckle, breaking my silence. I'm a little wary of this conversation if I'm being honest,
"STI's!" he exclaims, "Condoms prevent STI's!"
"We know," PJ sasses him,
"Quiet," he hushes PJ and continues, "When having sex with a girl or guy, you need to wear a condom. You don't know what he or she has, they don't know what you have, and just because someone says they're clean doesn't make it true."
"We're having the gay sex talk too?" PJ questions him, "Because we're not-"
"We are all inclusive in this household, Peej. Maybe one day you'll want to have sex with another guy and you'll think, 'Wow! He's a guy and won't get pregnant! No condoms for me!' and then you've got chlamydia. Now you can never say I didn't warn you about that," he says seriously, and by this point, even I'm stifling a laugh because I KNOW he's only saying this for me, and the fact that he's thought about how to justify it to PJ is really nice and proves I can actually trust him, but it's just a little bit hilarious.
"Okay, inclusive household," PJ repeats, "But dad, is this because you somehow heard one of the school rumours about me being gay? Because they've been going around since I was like, fourteen, and continued because I still haven't had a girlfriend…"
"No, PJ, this is not about school rumours, and you know that I know about them because you used to complain about it to me, it was only a few years ago and dads never forget anything important!"
"One time you forgot about be at the supermarket and drove home without me," I say, cutting into what had turned into a conversation strictly between the two of them, and PJ bursts out laughing. I remember that day well, actually, an old lady sat on a bench with me while I waited for Jamie to come back for me after I called and informed him of his mistake. She bought me a lollypop because, despite being fourteen at the time, I must've looked about six through old-lady-vision.
"I apologised and we got McDonalds on the way home!" Jamie laughs, justifying himself,
"Yeah, on the second trip home," I laugh back.
"Why didn't I get McDonalds?" PJ pouts and crosses his arms, "I feel neglected as a child."
"You're almost eighteen, Peej," I tell him, "You barely even count as a child."
"Anyway!" Jamie claps and brings us back to attention, "Sex."
"Dad, we're not thirteen, we know all of these things. We have internet access, and sex education in school every two years, not to mention the fact that Dan's almost seventeen, and I'm almost eighteen, we know what's what," PJ informs him, probably shattering his dreams of ever having the opportunity to embarrass his children during "the talk".
"I know, I know," he says, picking up an old magician's hat from under the coffee table. PJ and I just stare at it. What the hell is he doing with that old thing? I didn't even know we still had it, it was from when Peej and I were like, nine, and had to do a magic show for the class. It was before we were a family, that's how old it is. "We're playing a modified version of twenty questions!" He slides five cards each across the coffee table to each of us, "I've got ten pre-made questions in the hat, then you guys write five each, you can have more if you want, and we mix them in the hat and I answer them all, and because I have the pre-made questions, you won't know what the other has asked!"
I have to admit, Jamie's idea was good, but after an hour and a half of listening to answers to questions we didn't have, I felt brain dead. I take in a deep breath as PJ opens the door to my bedroom, smiling at him when he's greeted with the sight of me laying on my bed with my head hanging upside-down over the edge. We escaped from Jamie's well-meant talk about twenty-five minutes ago and apparently PJ can't think of anything to keep him occupied now either.
"You're gonna give yourself a headache," he chuckles, shutting the door and making his way over to sit next to my contorted body,
"I already have one," I say, "I'm waiting to see how long it takes for me to go blind or something."
"Sounds productive. Sit up," he says, and I obey, feeling very warm and throb-y throughout my head as I sit up and feel the blood drain from my red face, "Dad was pretty adamant about his inclusiveness of other sexualities today, huh?" he says.
"I noticed," I agree,
"Which one of us do you think he thinks is gay?" he asks with a giggle,
"Me," I reply truthfully, and PJ laughs, of course he laughs, he doesn't know that it's more than a hunch on Jamie's part.
PJ doesn't know that Jamie only thinks I'm gay because I led him to think so, PJ also doesn't know that even I think I might be gay. I don't even know what I am anymore. Maybe I'm gay. Yeah, maybe I am gay. Or bi. I've been trying to figure this out for months and I… I don't want to be gay, or bi, or anything else but straight. I have nothing against people that aren't straight, they're people, they're human, they're just like anyone else – except for the homophobic comments, bullying, unequal marriage, lack of rights and lack of equality in general. I don't want to be bullied. I don't want people to make homophobic comments toward me. I don't want to be treated as less than human by such a large percentage of the human population. I don't want to handle that. I can't handle that. I shouldn't have to handle that. No one should. Just because Jamie says that it's not a problem and that our family will be fine, which alleviates just one of my concerns about it, doesn't mean that everyone else will be. And that really, really scares me.
"Oh good," PJ grins, "So my dad doesn't think I'm a colossal homo, always good news," he laughs and I force out one too, even I can hear how fake it is. "You okay?" he asks me.
"Yeah, I just have a lot on my mind," I breathe, "And you know, school's tomorrow."
"Ah yes, school," PJ dramatizes, "The place where the spirits of young students go to die."
"Yup," I confirm, laying back down on my bed, this time without my head hanging off the side,
"So you hung out with Phil yesterday?" PJ changes the subject, and thank god he does because the last thing I want to be thinking about on a Sunday afternoon is school tomorrow.
"I did," I answer him with a small smile,
"What'd you guys do?"
"Video games, food, talked, slept," I list off some of the activies that we partook in,
"Sounds… fun?" he chortles, "What do you guys even have to talk about? Like, I'm glad you're friends and I want you to be friends, because he and I are sort of friends and we talk in class and stuff, but like… you're a bit different?"
"You and I are a bit different," I remind him, "And you and Chris are VERY different,"
"Yeah, I know, but… You and Chris were horrible to him and, yeah, it was mostly Chris, but how do you just turn that around? How do you go from being an absolute dick to him to being his closest friend from our school?" PJ asks, not only sounding confused, but… jealous?
"We talked, I got to know him, I acknowledged that I was a dick, I apologised, and he forgave me while also getting to know me and deciding that he likes me," I orate, "Phil has some really good qualities such as not being a resentful ass."
"Chris told me that Phil's gay," PJ blurts out, "He told me to watch out for him,"
"Please tell me you told him to grow up or something," I roll my eyes and I hope PJ sees, "Just because someone's gay doesn't mean that they're automatically interested in you because you happen to be the gender they're attracted to."
"I know, I know… But I've seen the way he looks at you in class…" Peej hesitates,
"And?"
"And… I just wanted to make sure that you knew that, because… I don't know, just in case he tries something?" PJ vocalises, and I can tell he's embarrassed about doing so the second the sentence leaves his mouth.
"Peej, if you try something with a girl and she makes it known that she's not interested, what do you do?" I ask him, irritated now,
"Back off?" he suggests, and I nod.
"Yeah, you back off. Just like he would if a guy told him he wasn't interested, same with any person that's not straight. They're not predators, they're normal people," I inform him with a harsh tone. PJ seems to think about this for a moment before nodding,
"You're right," his opinion sways, "I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd get so… uptight about this."
"I accept your apology," I say, deliberately not telling him that it's alright, because it isn't, "But don't call me uptight for trying correct you and maybe, I don't know, educate you a little."
"Okay," PJ agrees, "Alright."