"It's absolutely lovely to see you here today," a calming voice chirps and I feel him take a seat next to me at the back of my English classroom. I lift my head from my desk and look up at him with tired eyes,
"Hi Phil," I murmur,
"What's up, buttercup?" he asks, nudging my arm by pressing the side of his body against me for a second.
"Not me," I croak,
"Not you?" he repeats, "You're not up?"
"No, not me. I'm not up."
"Why're you in here so early? Class doesn't start for another twenty-five minutes or something," he asks, and I shrug. He dips his head down to kiss my exposed cheek, "Cheer up, sweetheart."
"Maybe later."
"How come you weren't in the past few days?" he enquires, "Are you alright?"
"I couldn't be here, I wasn't… okay," I answer.
"Well, you picked the perfect day to show up because there's seven mice in Mr Tacker's desk," Phil laughs and this peaks my interest so I sit up a little.
"…Why?" I almost laugh,
"Because Jacob put them in there yesterday afternoon, I was in here with- I was in here and he didn't know, so I watched him put the mice in there," he explains.
"Who were you in here with?" I ask, caring a lot more than I probably should.
"Oh, uh- just… Tracy," he says and he sounds almost shy about it, "I needed some help with some stuff and she offered so…"
"That's really nice of her," I smile, "Can you do me a favour?" I request.
"Sure," he smiles back, eager to do what he can to help me,
"Could you maybe kiss me?" I blush, biting my lip a little, and he lets out a relieved laugh as though he were expecting me to ask him to kill a man.
Phil nods a little and leans in, kissing me gently on the lips for a short moment before pulling away.
"You're so calming," I chuckle lightly, feeling a little better already, "I like you. Are you still coming over tonight?"
"I'll come over and keep you calm all night long," he winks before shaking it off and continuing, "Because I like you too."
"You're great," I lean my frame against him and he puts his arm around me, it feels safe. I like the way I feel when he's around. He's strong, and confident, and inspiring, and calming, and intimidating, and confusing, and wonderful. It's a concoction, a potion of emotion, if you will.
"I'd very much enjoy spending some more time alone with you," he smirks,
"Just a few more hours and I'm all yours," I laugh, "Mum and PJ's dad are going to help arrange some stuff at my gran's nursing home this weekend, da- I mean Jamie, left this morning and mum's going after work, and PJ's staying over at Chris's," I smile and Phil separates us properly before quickly leaning in for another kiss before someone walks into the classroom, closely followed by several other students, all blissfully unaware.
The day passed quickly, thank god. I, somehow, managed to catch up on everything at lunch with PJ, Chris, and Phil's help, and it was… interesting. Phil and Chris were getting along. I think PJ might've spoken to Chris about it too, and as it turns out, he and Phil share some similar interests. After the blissful walk home, I open the front door and invite Phil inside,
"Your house is really nice," Phil exhales as we put our stuff down by the door. "It's got the whole family-feel-thing going on,"
"Yeah," I smile, "It's the best house mum and I have lived in. I don't know if it's the physical house and location or if it's the family that came along with the move, but it's my favourite."
"You and PJ are really close, aren't you?" He asks rhetorically as we enter the kitchen, "What do you guys do if your parents are fighting? Like, do neither of you side with your parents or anything?"
"Mum and Jamie don't really fight. I don't remember them ever fighting, if I'm honest. If they do they must purposely keep it from me and Peej," I answer pulling the jug of water from the fridge, "Want a drink?"
Phil shakes his head, "No, thanks," he smiles, "I don't know your parents, but I like them."
"I like them too," I laugh, "My mum's stopping in before she leaves, she says it's to pick up extra suit cases she didn't want to leave in the car at work, but it's really to make sure we're okay and that I haven't brought home a fifty-seven year old internet predator," I laugh,
"It's a good thing I'm only a fifty-six year old internet predator, then," he smirks at me, "Daniel Howell, you're very attractive."
"You're sort of really sexy…" I murmur, and he pulls me in close to him. I kiss his neck and he pushes me away gently,
"Careful, cupcake," he sniggers, "Your mum might come home you'll have some explaining to do,"
"Mum would probably sit you down and grill you on your intentions toward her son," I laugh.
Mum was always doing that. The mum thing. She did it in the best way possible though, so it was more entertaining than annoying. Phil laughs back at me with a look of understanding, and he- wait. Phil's parents. What if his mum used to check up on him and make sure he was okay? What if his dad used to laugh and joke around with him about silly little things like his mum trying to convince them to eat actual meals that don't come from a microwave, like what Jamie, Peej, and I do? I can't imagine what it would be like to lose all that… How does someone learn to live without their loving family knowing that they're not there for them anymore? I think that that would be the most painful experience a person could suffer. I sort of understand, having lost my dad like that, but that was different. That wasn't my mum, my dad, and my older brother. That was just my horrible, horrible father.
"Dan, you alright?" Phil's voice interrupts my thoughts,
"What? Oh. Yeah, I'm fine. Are you?" I respond.
"Why wouldn't I be?" He asks, wrapping his arm around my waist as I lead the way toward the bench,
"Don't you miss your family?" I ask, fully aware of how insensitive a question it is but honestly not really caring. It's all that can occupy my thoughts.
"I do, but they're still my family and I know they love me," he smiles, a hint of reminiscence shimmers in his eyes as we're walking toward the breakfast bar, "Don't worry about me and my family, I'm fine."
Phil and I are sitting on the little breakfast-bar stools by the kitchen, quite awkwardly if I must say so myself. I don't even think that I'd call it sitting, actually, it's more of a perch.
"You seem a little distracted, sweet," Phil laughs, and I turn to look at him properly. I'm still thinking about his family and his situation. I feel sorry for him, and yeah, I know that's completely hypercritical because I hate when people feel sorry for me and I know that Phil doesn't want to be portrayed as a victim, but I can't help it. Suddenly I can understand where other people are coming from in regards to having an absentee father.
"Huh? Oh. Sorry, PJ said he was going to come home and grab some stuff before he goes to Chris's," I say, and suddenly there's a click at the front door, "And that must be him now," I smile. Phil lets out a brief laugh and his eyes do that thing where he looks at me like I'm the most precious human on this earth, and I want more than anything in the world to cuddle into him and sprinkle little kisses all over his face.
"Dan?" PJ calls out as I stand from my wobbly stool, "Are you home?" he asks, his usual-as-of-late concerned tone ringing through the first story of the house.
"Yeah, we're in here!" I yell in his general direction and Phil looks a little nervous but his demeanour quickly changes when PJ enters the bright and open area between the kitchen and the dining room.
"Hey," PJ smiles, looking at me before quickly flicking his sights onto Phil with a smile. PJ and Phil had eaten lunch together pretty much every day that I wasn't at school and from what I've gathered from Peej, they're actually pretty good friends now. I'm not jealous. Except I kind of am. It's irrational, but I know it's stupid so I can laugh at it.
"Hey, Peej," Phil grins.
"Oh, I moved your stuff, sorry," I remember. PJ left for school early to set up some things for the dress rehearsal of the school musical and I'd needed a pair of socks because, well, I'd forgotten to wash all of mine so I decided to steal a pair from his bag since it was closer to me at the time than his sock drawer. "I'll go grab it," I say, quickly turning and walking a few paces before I round the corner. I'm about to walk up the stairs when I hear PJ's voice in the next room,
"Can you just make sure he's alright tonight and tomorrow?" he asks Phil. What is he doing? What is he asking? He's not really asking him to make sure I'm alright, he's asking him to essentially baby-sit me and make sure that I don't die or something! Fucking hell, PJ! Now Phil's going to ask questions and/or think I'm a complete freak that can't stay home alone despite being almost seventeen fucking years old.
"What do you mean?" Phil asks, of course he would ask that though because who wouldn't?! It's exactly what someone would proceed that question with.
"A few, well, more like five or six, months ago… something happened, and I can't really talk about it, and I know Dan won't either, but this is the first night he'll be here without me, or mum, or dad since it happened…" PJ explains briefly, and if I were standing next to him right now, I can promise that my hands would be securely around his neck.
"Is he… is he okay?" Phil asks,
"Ye-yes, he's fine, I think. I just… I worry about him, you know? He's my best friend and my family, and who else do I have to worry about?" he chuckles, and I can tell the mood is lightened so I quickly grab PJ's bag from the middle section of the stairs and head back down.
"If something happens, and you'll know if something happens –trust me- just… just give me a call, okay? I'll come right over and-" PJ is babbling before I round the corner. As I'm about to enter the room again to shut him up, Phil interjects and I remain hidden behind the wall,
"I'm sure it'll be fine," I can hear his confident and strong voice, not only is he instilling confidence in PJ, probably, but even I'm suddenly finding myself feeling overwhelmingly confident that nothing bad will happen – not that I was worried about it in the first place. I take a deep breath and stroll into the room, handing PJ his bag.
"Found it," I breathe with a forced smile, "What were you guys talking about?"
"Oh," PJ lets out and I can practically see his mind scrambling for something, "Just school," he lies.
"Chris is going to be waiting, is he not?" I ask, implying that I want him to leave, and he gets the message,
"Yeah, probably," he chuckles, "I'll see you tomorrow afternoon or whatever."
Phil and I give quick good-byes and PJ's out the door. The second we see PJ walk a little way down the street through the glass living room window, Phil grabs my body and pulls me into him, kissing me quickly on the lips, then my cheek, then my jaw, then just under my eye, and finally on my lips once more. The blood rushes to my cheeks and I let out a small laugh disguised as a breath. I like when he kisses me. The butterflies in my stomach begin to stir and rustle up a little like browned autumn leaves dancing along the grass in a cool breeze. It makes me a little nervous though, I know he likes me, but he's not my boyfriend or anything. Can you have a boyfriend if you're not out? Is that a thing? I don't think that's a thing. If I were his boyfriend, would I have to tell PJ and mum? Would Jamie not let Phil stay over because we're more than friends? Oh, wait. Jamie knows. Ha, well, that's one thing down. Phil's hand trails down my arm and his hand soon finds mine, our fingers intertwining and he's smiling.
"Hey…" Phil whispers to me, brushing my fringe from my eyes with his free hand, "Are you okay? Is this alright?" he asks.
"I'm fine, this is all good," I smile, "I'm so glad you're here and that you're kissing me and you don't hate me,"
"I couldn't hate you," he smiles sweetly and tenderly, "You're really quite precious, and I'd be kicking myself for who-knows-how-long if I didn't at least try to capture your attention and-"
"And?" I ask, and he shrugs.
"I just… I like you, and I know we haven't known each other for an awfully long amount of time, but I really do like you, and I think that you feel the same way. Maybe. At least I hope you do," he laughs shortly like he's nervous, "I don't want to push anything on you though, I know that that's- it's not helpful," he almost chokes out.
"I do like you," I smile, "And you're not pushing anything on me, I promise. I like you, and I want- I don't know what I want, but so far I've wanted everything you, or we, have done. I do like kissing you though," I wrap my arms around his waist, "This is all really new to me and a little scary, you know?"
"I know," he rubs his hands up and down my back, "I'm very fond of you though, so don't you ever hesitate to tell me if you're uncomfortable or if something's wrong, alright?"
"Alright," I respond, and I know he's not just talking about in regard to the two of us, but is referencing what PJ had mentioned to him earlier when I was eavesdropping as well.
"Shall we watch movies and cuddle on the couch?" he suggests, "I kind of want a good excuse to cuddle up with you for an extended amount of time," he giggles. I tug him along by our joined hands and push him down onto the lounge before letting go of him and turning to the DVD player. He lets out a little whine as our hands disconnect, he's adorable.
"What do you want to watch?" I ask, and Phil shrugs,
"Just whatever."
"I don't think I've seen that one," I smirk,
"Just put on whatever's already in there," he laughs, "I'm not that fussy."
"Alright then, I guess we're watching… Shadow Demons," I declare,
"I didn't take you for a fan of horror movies," he jokes, and I'm not a fan of horror. They usually freak me the fuck out and I tend to avoid them, but I guess this time I can just forget about that.
"I think PJ left it in when he watched it with Jessica the other night," I say as I sit down next to him, and he wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer. I'm comfortable and I'm smiling like a complete idiot.
We're about half-way through the movie when it starts getting really fucking terrifying, and while I'mtrying to focus on Phil's finger drawing little circles on my now-exposed hip, or his lips that occasionally dot my skin with kisses that leave little goose-bumps, or even the feeling and warmth of him that radiates through me as I press up against him with my arms wrapped around his waist, I can't. Because if my eyes leave the screen, or if I blink, the demonic shadow-man is going to kill me. Okay, realistically, that's probably not going to happen, but that doesn't mean it's not the belief that's sitting in the forefront of my mind right now. I hold onto Phil a little tighter as the demonic shadow-man stalks and prepares to kill the panicked and distressed young woman.
"Dan," Phil interrupts my horrific thoughts, "Sweetness, are you, um- are you scared?" he asks,
"No…"
"You're whimpering."
"Am I?"
"You are."
"Horror movies aren't exactly the least frightening of movies," I inform him, and he chuckles. He does that a lot actually. The chuckling and the laughing, I mean. It's nice.
"You're so adorable," he squeezes me and pulls me closer and his smile makes me feel all fuzzy inside, "I think I'll keep you."
"You'll keep me?" I giggle,
"Yeah, if that's alright with you?"
"What would your keeping of me require on my part?"
"You would have to refer to me as 'Sir Philip of Charmington', bow down to me upon sight, and let me tell you, it gets worse," he says mock-seriously.
"How could it possibly get any worse than that?" I laugh,
"…You would have to refer to me as your boyfriend," he hesitates, "Even if it's only to me."
"Even if it's only to you?" I smile, feeling a lot more secure than I was earlier because this is Phil asking me to be his boyfriend. This is Phil asking me to be his boyfriend without pressuring me to come out. He wants to be with me even if he can't show the entire world. He isn't pressuring me to do, or be, anything at all. He's respecting me and what I do, or don't, want. And of course, he's doing it like this, no big, daunting, overly formal interaction. I think he's picked up that things like that scare me a little.
"Even if it's only between us," he reassures me, "Whatever makes you feel safe, alright?"
Whatever makes me feel safe? Phil makes me feel safe. Just looking at him, being with him, listening to him, trusting him… it's all safe. He doesn't even know how important feeling safe is to me, but he makes sure that's how I feel. He's so wonderful.
"I guess you can keep me, then," I struggle to hide my smile and he's grinning to himself like an idiot.
"Can I kiss you?" he grins and I nod furiously before leaning forward to meet his lips, and they're soft. They're comforting. They're sending little exhilarating shocks through me and it I just want to be with him forever, never leaving the warmth, comfort, and safety of his embrace. For a moment I think I might cry, but I don't want to, so I don't. I won't. We stop and laugh breathy laughs between our faces as our foreheads rest against each other. I look back up at the TV and the movie is over and the demonic shadow-man is the furthest thing from my mind. Phil kisses me again.
He's not the first man to kiss me, but he's the first man that I've wanted to kiss back. That scares me sometimes. I worry that if I kiss someone, I'll see my dad. I worry that if I ever decide to engage in other sexual activities with someone that he'll… that he'll infiltrate my mind and ruin everything. I've always had that worry in the back of my mind, right from when I got my first girlfriend. Her name was Rachel and we were fourteen. She was my "first kiss", you know, like that one that wasn't your mum or… dad, or whatever. After we kissed I felt a tightness in my chest and all I could see in my mind was the first time my dad kissed me like that. It took everything in me not to cry. I can't imagine what would have happened if I cried. She probably would have told her friends and they would have told their friends, and next thing you know, I'd be trying to explain to Chris and PJ why kissing a girl made me cry. Fourteen year old boys have rough expectations thrust upon them in the sense of being tough, and strong, and manly. I'm not the kind of tough that society wants me, as a teenaged boy, to be. I like to believe I'm strong, not in the physical sense as much as the mental and emotional, and I'm not exactly the manliest of people, but I'm here.
I never thought I'd be kissing another man. Before I met Phil and I was just starting to question my sexuality, I thought that maybe he did it to me. That my dad, somehow, made me like men. I blamed him… and then I learned that that's not how those things work. Maybe if I had cried after kissing Rachel I could look back and blame it on my sexuality instead. Then I could have pretended that what my dad did to me never happened. Oh well. I guess it's too late for that now. I went through another three girlfriends at school after Rachel. Meagan, Danielle, and Sarah. God, Sarah was a bitch. She was last year, literally about nine and a half months ago was when we broke up. I didn't want to have sex with her and she took personally. I was scared, I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared for that! Phil is different though. Perhaps it's because I'm actually sexually attracted to him, the whole thing with me not being attracted to women might have something to do with the lack of success in my forced previous relationships with said women.
"You keep zoning out, is something on your mind?" Phil asks, and I nod, "Wanna talk about it?"
"Not particularly," I tell him, "I'm pretty much just thinking about how perfect I think you are for me."
"I think you're perfect," he whispers in my ear, sending shivers down my spine, "In every sense of the word."
"You're my boyfriend," I suddenly let slip from my thoughts, and he laughs,
"That's right," he strokes my cheek with his thumb, "Congratulations," he smirks, licking my cheek.
"Philip!" I almost shriek, hitting him with the nearest throw pillow before pouncing onto him and wrapping my arms around his torso, "Let's eat dinner and then we can spend the rest of the night with video games," I laugh, and he agrees.
"What time is it?" Phil asks, wrapping his arms tightly around my pillow as he wiggles around to get temporarily comfortable. We'd spend the entire night mucking around downstairs until mum stopped in as promised and left again, happy to meet my "new friend". Now it's probably about three in the morning, but I can't be sure, so we we're getting ready for bed, stripping down to his tight underwear and my boxers. Nothing's going to happen, I know that much, but it's a little bit exciting and a little bit… nerve-wracking.
"Um…" I fumble for my phone to check the time,
"Why don't you have a clock or something in here?" he laughs as he makes a large gesture around my room, "How will you know what the time is?"
"I know what time it is," I huff, "It's late O'clock."
"Yes, of course it is," Phil laughs. "Are you going to come to bed, love?" he winks, playing as if we are a married, domestic couple. His bright, cheerful eyes look up at me from my bed, his black hair splayed messily across the pillow case. He smiles. He smiles and it's like pure bliss. I crawl across the bed and plop myself down next to him, forcing him to roll over with a groan.
"Will you cuddle me?" I pout and he tugs me slightly so that I'm down on his level, laughing as his arms wrap around me instead of the pillow. I pull away from him slightly to turn off the bedside lamp, and within seconds Phil's lips are on my collar bone, then my neck. I let out a quiet moan and he giggles into the crevice of my neck,
"Is this okay?" his low voice asks,
"This is very okay," I purr and snuggle into him, kissing his chest lightly several times. I relax into his embrace and feel his lips against my now-flushed cheeks, they're soft and it's a sweet, tender kiss, and- oh. Oh. Phil's hand is sliding its way down the back of my underwear and… I like it. It's not scary. I trust him. I know he's not going to go further than that. At least that's what I'm hoping.
"How about this?" he asks, and this time I just nod, one hand fisting in the sheets comfortably and the other pressed up against his chest, feeling the beating of his heart as it slowly speeds up. "Are you sure?" he asks, retreating his hand slightly, he's clearly noticed that this time I wasn't as enthusiastic.
"Yeah," I breathe, but there's a slight hitch in my breath as he begins to play with the waist band, "But… just…"
"No further?" he smiles, and I nod again, "Sounds good to me," he whispers and he strokes the exposed skin of my lower back tenderly with his thumb under the covers.
"Thanks," I whisper,
"Can I ask you something?"
"Mmm?" I hum, and he pecks me on the cheek and then the ear,
"How are you so gorgeous?" he mumbles. I just grin and shake my head,
"Your contacts aren't in," I giggle, pressing myself closer to him and closing my eyes as he plays with my hair. I wiggle around to get comfortable, our legs intertwining and my eyes closing, with his lips gently pressing against my forehead at sporadic intervals, lulling me comfortably to sleep.
The morning light seeps into the room, illuminating Phil's pale, white skin and blinding me slightly as I make my third attempt to open my eyes properly. The house is still, the birds are chirping outside and it's a little bit cold, so I snuggle in closer to Phil's warm body. His arms are slowly snaking around me and he whispers a quiet good morning, or something along those lines – his voice is a little muffled – and now he's holding me closely and it's perfect. We both close our eyes once more and allow ourselves some time to just lay in the presence of each other, cuddling and resting. I sort of wish I could stay like this with him forever. It's not often that I feel this good…
"Dan?" a small, very awake, voice addresses me and I can barely hear it, I must've fallen back to sleep like Phil had. "Oh my god…" the voice continues. I open eyes and I'm facing Phil, still wrapped up in his arms and looking up slightly to his still-sleeping face, and that means… that means the voice wasn't his. I quickly crane my neck and look at the bedroom door, which is open, but no body's there. I gently detangle myself from Phil and he lets a little noise, an adorable little noise that I need to ignore. The second I'm out of bed, I'm power-walking through the upper level of the house.
I quickly check in PJ's room and it's empty. Mum and Jamie's bedroom door is still closed, and therefore locked, so I continue down the stairs… and there's PJ. There's PJ, standing in the kitchen, head in his hands.
"Peej?" I ask, and he turns to face me, dropping his hands.
"What's going on?" he asks, and he doesn't look mad, or disappointed, or disgusted, just confused and a little concerned. His wobbles a little as he speaks and it's clear to me now that he's still trying piece together a sentence that could maybe explain whatever's going through his head.
"What, uh- what do you mean?" Jesus, that sounded stupid, it's really fucking obvious that he means what's going on with me and Phil being all cuddled up and almost entirely naked together in my bed. That's what he means.
"Dan…" He looks at me seriously, "I really think you're leading him on, and that's not fair on him, or on you either, if things start to happen and you're not into it."
Oh my god. He's really not getting it. He's REALLY not getting it. Unless… he's in denial. Like, what if he doesn't want me to be gay so much that he's just refusing to have it anywhere in his mind?!
"PJ, I'm not leading him on…" I tell him, repeating exactly what I'd told him a few days ago,
"Dan! You're wearing," he pauses and looks down at my lack of clothes with wide eyes, "That!" He points out, "And you were cuddled up in bed with him, with your hands in his hair and- and- and oh my god…"
Okay. Yep. He's catching on. He's lost for words, standing there with his mouth open, trying to find the words he needs.
"PJ, I'm not leading him on. I like him. A lot…" I say quietly, and I seriously hope that I'm not making this worse.
"That's not something that most friends do, Dan…" Peej is clearly struggling now,
"No, it's not," I confirm.
"Then why are you..?"
"Because we're more than friends, Peej."
"But…" he swallows the saliva that's built up in his mouth and now he's looking at me, shaking his head slightly,
"PJ, I'm gay…" I whisper, and fucking hell, now I'm crying. Why am I crying? PJ looks up at me and suddenly he's coming toward me and wrapping me in a tight hug. He's hugging me, he's okay, and he doesn't hate me!
"I just- I thought- I didn't- Oh my god, Dan. I should've known! You were in bed with him and my first thought was literally that you were leading him on, and there was that text, and when dad- wait. Does dad know? Did you tell my dad before me?! Is that what the same-sex-sex-talk was about?!" He rambles, and I can't help but laugh.
"Yeah… I didn't tell him," I laugh, "He figured it out himself,"
"How long have you known?"
"I don't know. I've been a bit unsure for a while and recently… I don't know, I just kind of figured it out a little better recently with Phil around. He's really great, Peej, and he makes me happy… I have an actual boyfriend!" I grin, and PJ smiles back at me.
"I'm happy for you," he assures me before his tone turns serious, "Just… be safe, okay? And if he hurts you, I'm going to kill him."
"I'm pretty sure I could take care of him a little better than you could in regards to killing him, but if you say so," I laugh,
"You're my best friend and my little brother-" he begins before I cut him off,
"You're only older than me by a few months or something!"
"It doesn't matter," he continues with a laugh, "I've just always wanted to say that and didn't think I'd ever have the opportunity."
"You weren't gonna threaten to kill the girls that would be mean to me?" I pout,
"I always assumed that you'd be the one to fuck something up," he shrugs with a smirk, and I punch him playfully on the shoulder,
"I'm going back upstairs, just try not to make things weird, okay?" I say, entirely seriously but with an entertained tone.
"Do you have condoms?" he asks as I'm walking back out of the kitchen,
"No, I do not," I breathe and give him a look that says to drop it before I hit him,
"Wait, so you're not being safe? That's a bit irresponsible, don't you think?"
"I'm not being safe because I don't have to be. We're not having sex," I say quietly, just in case Phil can hear from upstairs,
"Oh."
"Like I said, just don't make things weird," I laugh, "We can talk later when it's a little more convenient."
"Sorry," I say as I enter my bedroom to find Phil sitting up and fixing his hair, "PJ came home and saw us and I had to explain some things…"
"What did you tell him?" he asks, and I make my way into his arms again,
"The truth,"
"Aw, Dan," he squeezes me tightly, "I'm so proud of you!"
"Now I just have to tell my mum at some point and I'm all good, right?" I joke,
"Yep," Phil kisses my temple, "No problems with PJ, then?"
"None at all," I answer him, "But he says that if you hurt me he'll kill you," I laugh, "So watch it, buddy."
"Don't worry Danny, I don't want to hurt you anyway," he giggles,
"Please don't call me Danny…"
"Alright, sorry," he apologises, squeezing my shoulder.
"If you do it again, I'll tell PJ," I whine like a little kid threatening another with telling their mother, "And he'll… art you to death."
"Shut up, Daniel," he laughs before kissing me on the mouth so that I can't respond, taking my lips in his own and the second I grant his tongue access to the inside of my mouth, I feel the deepest urge to submit to him fully. But I don't, because I can't. I can't take this too far because then I won't be in control anymore, and the second Phil knows about what happened with my dad, he'll think I'm disgusting and will probably never talk to me again.