Thursday morning. Great. Just great. I pull myself from my bed, regret being born, get dressed, straighten my hair and consider 'accidentally' falling down the stairs as I walk down them, though before I can make a proper decision PJ calls out and asks me to bring his books home from school today since he's going to be out. Ah. That explains why Jamie chose tonight to tell mum, because PJ won't be here.
"I'll be home at like nine or something, but I don't really want to carry them around for ages, you know?" he says, and I agree. We walk the twenty-five minute walk to school together and he asks me why I seem off today, and if I'm okay, and if I want to talk about it. I seem off today because I'm not okay because I do not want to talk about it, but I can't tell him that. I just tell I'm fine and continue our walk, taking in the scenery to distract myself.
The sky only has a few light-grey clouds today, it's a little warmer than it was yesterday and we're just in time to watch the regular morning traffic go by. It's a rather boring walk, lots of repetition: tree, tree, car, tree, driveway, grass, tree, driveway, driveway, car, dog- whoops, I bumped into PJ. Where was I? Oh yeah, driveway, grass, more grass, mail box, car, car, car, traffic light, Phil, house, grass, tree – Phil!
"Hey, Phil!" PJ calls out, and Phil turns around, beaming when he sees us.
"Morning," he says to PJ, moving to my side and wrapping his arm around my waist upon seeing me fiddling with my own fingers, "You alright, sweetness?" he asks me.
"Yeah, I'll be fine," I sidle into him a little more as we walk, at this point I honestly don't even care if anyone we know sees. I don't particularly care about what people at school might say,
"Aw baby," he whispers in my ear, "You look like you need some cuddles. Do you want to sleep over tomorrow night?"
"Yeah… I'll ask mu-" Mum. Would she let me leave her sight ever again after I tell her? Will things be really different, or only just a little bit different? Oh god.
"Mum?" PJ asks, attempting to finish my sentence, and I nod, "Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah, I have to talk with mum and Jamie about some things tonight and I'm just really worried," I tell them, I can't be bothered lying.
"What about?" Peej probes,
"Nothing, don't worry about it,"
"So it's about whatever it is I'm not allowed to ask about?" He seems a little upset now, and not the sad kind of upset, but… almost like he's frustrated or angry with me but trying to mask it. "I don't know when all this started, but I feel like since whenever it was that it did start I've been edged out and left clueless! I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do or say anymore." With that he walks on ahead and I just drop my head as he rushes off to school and away from me.
I know that PJ's been left out of the loop a bit lately, and I know I've been distant and weird, while at the same time being a little clingy. Things are complicated and there really is a lot going on… I know it's not his fault, and I honestly feel sorry that he's being affected by me and all of the stupid trouble I've put everyone though. PJ and I rarely fight. When we have fought it's been sorted out fairly quickly, but generally, it doesn't happen and we certainly haven't had an incident since what happened last November.
"Dan," Phil sighs, "What's going on?"
"Things are just a little difficult at home at the moment…"
"How come? Has something happened?" he asks, rubbing my back,
"It's all because of me…" I whisper softly, I actually don't think he's heard me because he's being really quiet.
"It can't possibly be all your fault," he says. He definitely heard me.
"Phil… I'm ruining everyone's lives, and they're trying to be supportive and help me but I'm still just as fucked up as ever. Things aren't getting better and I don't even expect them to anymore, everything is escalating!" I cry, my heart heavy and my lip trembling. It's all getting too much and I don't know how to cope anymore…
"No, Dan, you're not messed up," he says, "It's perfectly normal to struggle like this, alright? It happens and you can get past it. I know you can, baby bear."
"I heard mum and Jamie arguing…" I whimper, "They never fight, but they have three times in the past two and a half weeks. It's all because of me. I'm missing classes, I'm depressed, I'm skipping meals, I'm not talking to them about what's going on, I try to be happy and I try to be myself and sometimes it's like everything's fine, like everything's normal… but it's not… They're fighting because of me. I'm going to break up our family just like I did before!" I ruin everything.
Half of the day has passed and I'm not feeling as sorry for myself as I was this morning, which I guess is a good thing because I can't image how awful today would be if I was a walking lump of misery. I walk down the hall to the library, a little late from lunch – not that it matters because I'm only going to my free study periods and there's little to no supervision – it's nice to walk down past the lockers and doors to classrooms when it's quiet and no one's around, it's peaceful and a calm-
"Hey, Howell!" a male voice calls from behind me, interrupting my thoughts. I turn around and I'm met with the sight of Jacob and two of his friends, Matt and Ian. They look a little… not pleased to see me, despite obviously having sought me out for confrontation.
"Hey, Jacob," I say, looking at him a little confused because he's very close friends with Chris and has been friends with me by extension for a little while. We've hung out quite a few times, Matt and Ian as well, but I guess Chris would have spoken to him…
"We heard you got yourself a little boyfriend," Jacob states nastily, "When Sarah told us you wouldn't fuck her I just thought you were frigid or had a tiny dick or something," he laughs.
"Yeah, apparently she's not my type," I joke, and with that he's at my side and pushing me against the lockers with a loud slam. I feel it through my back and the pain quickly fades as seconds pass after the subsequent impact.
"What is your type then?" Ian asks, gritting his teeth and looking like he really ought to get more vitamins in his diet,
"Well, you know…" I trail off as they stare me down, Jacob and Matt's hands keeping me pushed against the cool metal, "I like guys?"
"You like cock then, mate?" Jacob spits, "That's fucking disgusting."
"I've seen you two walking home, kissing, holding hands, cuddling as you walk down the street," Matt chimes in, "Why don't ya keep ya dirty faggot play for the bedroom, huh, mate?"
Jacob's grip around my already bruised wrist loosens slightly, maybe he'll let up and let me go. Maybe it's all over. Ouch! Fuck, I can't breathe properly. His hand has moved entirely from my arm and is now around my neck, my arm being held back by Ian now.
"Does looking at me turn you on?" Jacob spits in my face, his warm saliva cooling slightly as it slowly trails down my face. It's disgusting. This is what Phil has been subjected to since before he even came to this school. This is what I was afraid of. This is why I didn't want to be gay! This is why I just wanted to be straight! Why can't I ever just be normal?! I don't even know if you're up there, but can't something just go right, please, God?!
"Everyone knows what your type are about," Ian pipes up again, and more than anything I just want to punch him in the mouth, "You're fuckin' sick, you know that?"
"What, are ya touchin' little boys behind closed doors too, ya faggot?" The words spew from Matt's mouth and stab me straight through the chest, the tears begin to prick in my eyes and it hits me. I'm going to be just like my dad. I'm going to hurt my kids the way he hurt me. No! Mum's baby! No! No! No!
"Oi, yuck, mate," Jacob responds, "I bet he's getting hard just thinking about them little kids,"
"We thought we was ya friends, mate," Matt sneers, "But ya only was cause ya thought ya could 'ave a perv, didn't ya?"
"No-" I manage to squeak, but Jacob pushes harder against my windpipe and cuts off my speech, rendering my solution of talking it through with these guys completely useless.
"You're sick, and revolting, and you think you have the right to walk around here with us like you're not a disgusting pervert. It's a good thing fags can't have kids because we all know what you homos do with them behind closed doors," Jacob slurs, and once again I feel it right in my chest. He lets go of me and just stands there while I regain my breath and composure,
"Don't you ever talk to us again," Ian says as they walk off, "Or it'll be worse next time."
I hitch in another breath as I watch the three of them walk into the library, I can't go in there now. I can't. I need to get out, but where do I go? Suddenly I'm running, I don't know where, but I guess I'll be better off wherever it is my legs are taking me. I run out of the school, my body working off of pure adrenalin and unable to feel the effects of my lack of fitness, and I'm running, running, running as fast as I can to get anywhere else but wherever I am now. I need to get away. I can't become my dad. I can't be like him. I'm going to be like him. What if it's too late? What if I am going to be like that? What if it's all just a big cycle and I can't stop it?! If I just keep running, it'll be okay. I'll get away from everyone and I'll stop fucking everyone's lives up, and I won't ruin our family, and I won't become my dad. Everything will be okay the second I'm not there anymore. Why am I running? I'll never be too far away to cause damage! I need to do something else. I can't hurt them all anymore. I can't do it. I stop running, looking around all there is are trees, a wooden bench, and the voice in the back of my mind that's telling me to calm down and go home despite how negatively I affect everyone. Even if I wanted to I couldn't go back. I don't even know where I am.
"Received 12:42pm – Jacob: I hope you fucking kill yourself, faggot."
"Received 1:22pm – Peej: My thing this afternoon was cancelled. Apparently Jane Randolph has the flu. What's a show without the star, right? Haha, I'm in the library, where're you?"
"Received 1:37pm – Peej: Dan, I'm with Phil, so where are you?"
"Received 1:37pm – Phil: I'm in the library waiting for you, sweet-pea. Where are you now? J"
"Received 1:42pm – Peej: Did you go home?"
"Missed Call 1:42pm – Peej (PJ Liguori)."
"Received 1:44pm – Peej: Seriously, are you not at school?"
"Received 1:46pm – Jess: Mate, where you at? PJ just called me and he's freaking out!"
"Missed Call 1:46pm – Phil (Phil Lester 3)."
"Received 1:47pm – Peej: Where are you, Dan?"
"Received 1:47pm – Phil: Precious, where are you? I love you xx, please text me back…"
"Received 2:00pm – Peej: I'm coming home."
"Received 2:01pm – Jess: If you get this, can you call me? Or Peej? Please?"
"Received 2:03pm – Phil: I'm starting to worry, I can't find you anywhere…"
"Received 2:07pm – Chris: I just spoke to Jacob, what happened?! Are you okay?"
"Received 2:08pm – Chris: I swear I didn't say anything to him, I'm so sorry…"
"Missed Call 2:10pm – Phil (Phil Lester 3).
"Received 2:10pm – Phil: Chris just came and apologised to me? He said he wants to talk, so I'll let you know what happens. Call me? Xx"
"Received 2:12pm – Phil: OH MY GOD, I SPOKE TO CHRIS! Did Jacob hurt you? Dan, I need you to reply to me, okay? Where are you?!"
"Received 2:13pm – Phil: Sugar, I need you to tell me if you're okay. Please?"
"Received 2:17pm – Phil: Dan, I'm really worried… You're scaring me…"
"Missed Call 2:22pm – Peej (PJ Liguori)."
"Received 2:23pm – Peej: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?! I just got home and no one's here! Where are you, Daniel!?"
"Missed Call 2:24pm – Peej (PJ Liguori)."
"Received 2:24pm – Peej: Dan, I'm really scared, please reply to someone…"
"Received 2:24pm – Peej: Phil just called me, what happened?! Where are you?! I'm calling mum and dad."
"Missed Call 2:25pm – Peej (PJ Liguori)."
"Missed Call 2:25pm – Peej (PJ Liguori)."
"Missed Call 2:29pm – Mum (Caroline Liguori)."
"Received 2:30pm – Mum: Honey, where are you? Can you just let us know you're okay? Everyone's very worried! I love you, my baby!"
"Received 2:30pm – Phil: Dan, I love you. I don't know what to do, please just tell me you're okay…"
"Received 2:33pm – Hey mate, your mum, PJ, and I are really worried, he says you're not answering anyone. It's okay if you need some time alone, just let us know you're okay. We don't have to worry about talking to mum tonight, we can leave it until you're ready. No stress."
"Incoming call 2:36pm – Peej (PJ Liguori)."
"Dan? Dan? Dan, are you okay?" PJ's voice echoes through the phone, it sounds shaky and scared, I think he's been crying.
"…Peej?" my voice trembles too, if he yells at me I'm hanging up.
"Dan! Are you okay? We've been really worried, where are you?" his panicky voice asks,
"I, um… I'm- I think I'm okay…" I say slowly, maybe if I let the words sink in I'll believe them.
"Okay, yeah, that's good. Where are you?"
"I don't know…"
"You don't know where you are?" he asks,
"No, I don't know where I am… I was running and then I just… wasn't running…"
"Alright, and then what?" he enquires slowly,
"And then I was here. It's a park," I say, clutching the phone even tighter. PJ's quiet and I might as well use now to tell him everything I need to tell him. "PJ, I'm sorry… I didn't mean to fuck everything up, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry that I make everything bad, I don't mean to. I'm gonna fix it, okay? I'm going to make sure that you are happy, and that mum is happy, and that Jamie is happy, and that mum and Jamie's baby is safe. I'm not going to ruin anything for anyone ever again. I promise. I just… Peej, I don't know what to do, I'm so scared…"
"Dan, I need you to listen to me, alright?" he says, and I nod even though he can't see me, "The only thing that will make me happy, in the whole world, is for you to come home. I just called mum and she told me that she loves you and that it would make her happy to know you're alive and safe at home, and my dad won't be happy without you, do you understand?"
"But the baby… I don't want to- I'm going to… I can't hurt the baby, Peej! I can't ruin the baby's life the way he ruined mine, I'm sick and I'm going to do bad things and I'm going to hurt the baby, I know it!" I wail into the phone, tightening my grip around it for security. My knuckles are white.
"No, Dan. You're not going to do anything like that, okay? You're not going to do bad things to anyone, I promise. I know you're a good person," he replies, "I honestly don't know what you're talking about. What do you think you're going to do?"
"I might do to the baby what he did to me… " I've said enough. I've said too much.
"Dan, what-" I hang up the phone before he can finish his sentence, turning it off completely.
It's getting dark and I'm still sitting on the bench in this park, there's someone walking towards me. I've been here for literal hours with no desire to move. I want to go home, but I'm scared. Every time I think about this whole afternoon a new wave of guilt washes over me, but it's too late now to fix it, isn't it? The dark figure is slowly getting closer to me, but they're still a little over two hundred metres away, I can't see if it's anyone I recognise, all I can tell is that they have a very male-like build yet are still quite slim in figure. I think this counts as running away from home, doesn't it? Have I accidentally run away from home? Who the fuck accidentally runs away from home? Someone that's mentally unstable, probably.
The person's nearer now, they're speeding up. Maybe if I'm lucky they'll be a murderer or something. Just because I've promised not to kill myself doesn't mean I can't hope someone else does it for me.
"Dan, is that you?" the person, definitely female, asks me, I don't respond. I still can't tell who it is, my vision is still a little bit blurry from crying. My eyes sting. "Dan, it's me, Jessica," she says, and it is her. She takes a seat next to me and looks at my probably tear-stained face. We just sit in silence for a moment before she speaks up, "Everyone's out looking for you. I texted them when I saw you here, so they know you're safe."
"I'm sorry…" I breathe, my breath shuddering as I inhale again,
"No, no. It's not your fault," she takes off her oversized jacket, which upon close inspection I believe is PJ's, and drapes it over my shoulders. "I know what happened with Jacob and the others, I'm so sorry that happened… Andrew saw everything and told the principle,"
"Why would he do that?" I ask as a cool gust of wind blows past us.
"Because Chris told him to," Jessica says seriously, "It's the least he could do, I guess. I got the whole story out of him, including what that Andrew guy saw. Dan, I need you to know that nothing they said is true or viable."
"I need to make everything okay…" I murmur into the collar of the jacket, "I don't know what to do."
"Everyone knows you're sorry for worrying them, no one's mad at you. It'll be alright if you come with me, your parents and everyone should be at your house by the time we get there" she stands up and gestures for me to do the same. I stand up on shaky legs and the second I'm up I wrap my arms around her for a second before standing up straight.
"Okay," I nod, "I need to go home."
After a forty-five minute walk home with Jessica, with everyone waiting for me at home, Mum, PJ, Jamie, and Phil are just sitting in the lounge room. From the entrance hall I think I can hear mum and Jamie trying to get to know Phil a little better. Poor guy. Jessica shoots me an encouraging smile and the door clicks shut behind us. The second I shrug off PJ's jacket there are arms around me, Chris's arms, and Jessica smiles before wandering into the next room. The voices in the next room stop and there's some shuffling.
"Dan, I'm sorry…" he murmurs, and I nod into his shoulder, hugging him back, "I was horrible, I'm so glad you're okay…" he says quietly, "I'm really sorry for how I reacted, and for what happened with Jacob, Matt and Ian."
"I forgive you," I whisper, and he thanks me, letting me go. I take a deep breath before walking in. Everyone's looking at me, but finally I'm greeted by Phil practically throwing himself at me, wrapping his arms around me and kissing my cheek, "Sweetheart, you have no idea how worried I- we all were," he whispers into my ear, "I love you," he says, "I love you so much."
"Honey, we were all really worried," mum says, wrapping her arm around my back, ignoring the fact that Phil still hasn't let me go,
"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to…" I mumble and Phil slowly retracts his embrace, stepping back to join Chris as Jessica migrates to PJ's side.
"I know, I know, baby," mum kisses my temple, "We were just worried because you wouldn't answer anybody, and you weren't at school, and you weren't at home. Then PJ told us you two had a bit of a spat this morning and then something happened at school, too? I know you're not feeling too great at the moment, but we need to know where you are and that you're safe."
"Okay, I'm sorry," I say truthfully and mum smiles, hugging me closer to her before turning to Phil and Chris, "Are you boys alright to get home, you too, Jessica?" They all nod with polite smiles and say their goodbyes before Phil pecks me on the cheek and they're both out the door.
"Come sit down, Daniel," Jamie smiles at me sympathetically and gesturing to the couch,
"I'm going to sort something for dinner, will you boys be okay?" she asks and Jamie kisses her cheek and assures her that we'll be fine. She strides into the kitchen and I let out a laugh, even after all of this stress she's got her same cheeky attitude.
"Dan, I'm really sorry about this morning…" PJ finally speaks up,
"You're entitled to feel like that…" I shrug, PJ just sits quietly.
"Dan, PJ told me what you said to him on the phone," Jamie says professionally, "I think that we need to have a conversation about all that. Do you think we should call your mum in here and talk about everything as a family?"
As a family. That's all I need to hear. Once I get everything out in the open things will be easier for everyone, right? Maybe that's what I need to do. PJ looks hopeful but also scared and his face tells me that the second he knows what's really going on everything will change – with everyone – but will be better in the long run. Mum and Jamie might even go back to normal. This isn't about me anymore, this is about us as a family and that's the only reason why I'm about to tell them all. This is the right decision, I just hope that they don't think I'm disgusting, or that it's my fault, or that mum doesn't blame me for dad leaving…
"Yeah," I breathe, and Jamie looks a little shocked at my malleability, but also a little relieved. He gets up and smiles at me encouragingly before heading off into the kitchen, emerging a few moments later with mum.
"What's going on?" PJ asks and I can feel the tremble in my bones, the vibration starting in my jaw. I'm scared. This is what I have to do, but I'm so scared…
"Is everything okay, sweetie?" mum asks, and I swallow the saliva that's pooled in my mouth.
"Um…" I haven't even started speaking real words and there are tears running down my cheeks, "My da-" No. I've changed my mind, I can't do this! "My depression is, uh- it's getting bad again…" Technically it's not a lie, it's just not what I had intended to tell them… Jamie looks just short of disappointed and mum takes in a deep breath,
"Oh sweetie," she gushes, rushing to envelop me in her arms, "Is this what you and Jamie have been talking about lately?"
"I guess…"
"Why didn't you tell me? Sweetheart, I'm always here for you! I love you so much and I'm so proud of you for trying to look after yourself and get help when you need it," she tells me sternly but lovingly. I look up at PJ and he's not buying it. He knows I'm not telling the whole truth.