"And do you feel like you're going to be safe at home, Daniel?" Dr Reynolds asks, sitting next to the hospital psychologist, Wendy.
"Yeah," I nod,
"That's great, Daniel," Wendy smiles, "And your parents have your medication and have signed all your forms?"
"Yep,"
"We've kept you in here for six days now," Dr Reynolds chimes in again, "And I know that's a long time and you want to go home, but honestly, do you feel like there's the chance that you may hurt yourself or anyone else?"
"No," I say firmly. I'm not going to. I know I'm not going to. Yes, of course there's that fear that it may happen again, but things like what's happened have never been planned, they've just… happened, which is precisely why everyone is going to be looking at me and more behaviour more closely. At least the situation makes sense to everyone now. They understand what I'm struggling with now that everything's out in the open, which I don't really like because I'm genuinely worried that whenever mum, or Jamie, or PJ, or Phil, look at me… they won't see me. They'll see a victim. I don't want that, but I also don't want them to have no idea what's going on, so I guess them knowing isn't entirely awful.

"Do you feel like you might do something like this again?" he asks,
"No, and I don't want to, either. I really don't,"
"Alright," the greying man smiles, closing his folder of notes and standing from his chair, indicating for Wendy and I to do the same, "I wish you the best, and remember if you have any problems, we're always here."
"This is a list of the emergency numbers, the hotlines, the websites, and the twenty-four hour services available if you need them, alright? If you're scared that you're about to do something, you contact one of these services or triple nine," Wendy says, handing me a sheet of colourful paper, "It was nice meeting you, not under these circumstances obviously," she laughs, and I smile as we exit the room and I spot Jamie waiting behind the staff-access doors. Wendy swipes her card and the doors open with a loud beep. I'm free to go.

Wendy was so nice when we first met. She came into my hospital room and explained where I would be moved to and what was going to happen. The hospital moved me into a psych ward, one of the smaller ones connected to the hospital for people like me. One of the nurses said that it tends not to be helpful for some people to be facilitated with longer-term patients with more severe mental health problems, and I guess I can understand that. I had to sign some papers to say that I was voluntary, because apparently if you're involuntary you have less privileges and it's on your record or something, I don't know, I wasn't really listening. It was strange though, constantly being checked on, not being allowed to have sharp objects, people secretly smoking, watching when another patient just kind of broke down or something… I'm not going to lie, I was that patient at least twice. It wasn't a bad experience though, it's where I needed to be, even if it meant I wasn't allowed to have a phone or internet access.

Mum, Jamie, PJ, Phil, and Chris all came to visit while I was in here too. A few people didn't get any visitors, so I felt a bit bad about having multiple people come in each day, but I know that if no one came I would probably just die for real.
"Ready to go, kiddo?" Jamie asks with a smile, placing his hand on my back as we start walking through the corridors,
"Um, yes," I laugh, "It was weird."
"What was the weirdest thing in there? And don't say the big plastic box around the TV, because you've already complained about that one," he chuckles.
"The lack of shower curtains," I say, "Apparently there are people smart enough to figure out how to hang themselves with them,"

"Considering that you managed to figure out that that's why they don't have them, I'd assume that's reason enough, I guess," Jamie says with a tilt of his head, waving at someone he probably knows from work as we pass by.
"Yeah," I hum, "I'm sorry for everything…"
"Don't be," he says, "None of this is your fault. You're trying your best, and even if you aren't trying your best, the fact that you're not trying your best is also not your fault." Strangely enough that earns him a smile, it makes me feel a little better. I don't know how I would cope if I didn't have Jamie, or if I had a family that blamed me for being depressed and overwhelmed, or for trying to commit suicide… I'm not sure what it is though, but I really do feel like I didn't mean it, almost like it was an accident. I don't know. It's weird, but I guess that's mental illness for you, right?

By the time we pull up into the drive way at home, Jamie's finished filling me in on and explaining all about the new furniture and toys that he and mum want to buy for the baby. While I was gone they started moving things out of the study and finding new homes for things, apparently PJ even conned Phil into housing two of our old bookcases, basically, Jamie is so excited that it's comical. Jamie unlocks the front door and I'm welcomed into my home and into mum's open arms as she wraps me in a hug and runs her fingers through my hair.
"I'm so happy you're home," she fusses, playing with the collar of my jacket, "Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm sure," I confirm, and she nods with an eager smile,
"PJ's upstairs," she tells me, patting me on the back before I take my bag full of the belongings I had at the hospital upstairs.

"Phil, are you sure you're feeling okay?" I hear PJ's voice in his bedroom, apparently talking to Phil on the phone or something,
"Yeah… it's just anxiety," Phil's voice returns. Phil must actually be in there with him! I stand by the outside of the door, back pressed against the wall and listening to what's going on inside,
"About what?" Obviously it's about me. Obviously I've been too wrapped up in myself since the second I met him to even notice that he had any anxiety in the first place. He cared about me, looked out for me, always asked me how I was feeling and I just… I did not of that for him. I never asked him if he was anxious about anything, I never noticed if he might be worrying, not beyond anything normal at least. I know that he downplays it and acts like it's not a big deal, but it is. He pretends that it's all fine for me. But it's not. It is not fine. He's a person too, with thoughts, feelings, and an actual psychological disability that he takes medication for. Undoubtedly it's much more of a bigger deal than he lets on… I'm just not the person he can, or will, talk to about it. He should be able to talk to me… I'm just so goddamn, fucking selfish.

"I don't know, Dan, maybe? It started at school, it's been getting worse all day… I just want him to be okay, and I'm worried about so many things…" Phil's shaky voice breathes, "I love him, and I'm so scared that he's going to come to his senses and not love me anymore… and just, so many things…"
"He's not going to stop loving you," PJ tells him, "I've never seen Dan as happy as he is with you, I've never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you. He's always gushing about how much he loves you, how incredible you are, and-"
"Thanks," Phil chuckles, cutting him off. It was probably because he was starting to blush, he had a particular little chuckle that he did when he was trying not to blush. "I just want to see him at home again where he's comfortable and says stupid things, and where I'm allowed to kiss him, and hug him, and love him. I've been getting so anxious so much, I've been having anxiety attacks again and I haven't had them in over a year, not since I went on my medication."

Phil's on medication too? Phil's been anxious and having anxiety attacks because of me? I need to hug him, I need to cuddle up with him and tell him that everything's going to be alright. I need to feel his breath by my face, I need to feel the way his lips ghost over mine before he kisses me, I need to hold him and make everything okay again. I walk past the door, knowing full well that the two of them can see me, and into my own room, tossing the bag of clothes, my two bears and anything else I had with me at the hospital. Within thirty seconds Phil's arms are around my waist, hugging me from behind me. I spin around and look into his watery eyes, he really does look shaken; I've only ever seen him like this once before, when he was trying to keep my awake when I overdosed. I stretch up to kiss his cheek and then capture his lips in a proper kiss, his tongue tracing my lips and my teeth pulling on his bottom lip before he rests his forehead against mine, just looking into my shiny, brown eyes as I stare into his blue ones.

"Philip, I love you," I murmur, and his lips twitch up into the smile I've been dying to see.
"I love you too, so, so much, baby bear," he purrs, "It's so nice to hold you," he laughs gently, "I've missed this…"
"Can you stay over tonight?" I whine into his ear, and I hear PJ chuckle from behind us,
"He's stayed here all week," Peej says,
"What? How come nobody told me?" I ask, and Phil separates us and grabs my hands,
"I didn't want you to worry about me, and if you knew that I was freaking out enough to not be at home, you'd feel bad…" Phil whispers, "Though, if I'm being honest, your bed is nowhere near as comfortable when you're not in it," he chuckles, and I attach our lips once more,
"You guys are gross," PJ rolls his eyes with a smile, but the second Phil and I pull apart, he fills the gap where Phil was, hugging me quickly before exiting the room, leaving my currently very clingy boyfriend and I alone.

I tug his hand and lead him into my bed, cuddling up to him quickly, realising just how much I've needed this, just how much I've needed him… And I'm sorry, more so than ever, for what I put him through. I suck in a deep breath of air and exhale deeply as Phil runs his fingers through my hair and I draw little circles on his arm which quickly become small triangles and wonky squares.
"I'm surprised your family doesn't want to spend time with you now that you're back," he whispers, caressing my cheek,
"They visited me every day after work and school," I chuckle, "I think they saw more of me while I was in hospital than when I'm at home."
"I'm sorry I didn't come with them every day…" he says, diverting his gaze, "I just… I couldn't… My anxiety was just too bad and I probably would have been admitted myself," he laughs.
"We could have been mental patients together," I giggle, "But no, I understand."

"Hey, can I sit with you guys?" Chris asks, pushing his light brown hair from his eyes. Despite having seen each other and been friendly since his first apology, we haven't really spoken since I got out of hospital, and now it's my first day back at school. He looks nervous and ashamed, everyone's eyes flick to me and Phil's smile sets me sure of what to say,
"Yeah," I smile at him and scoot over so that he can fit on the seat with Phil and I while Peej and Jessica sit on the opposite side of the table.
"Again," he starts, "I'm sorry," he says, chewing his lip,
"You're forgiven," I chuckle,
"Thanks," he ducks his head for a moment before looking up again.
"So, uh…" Jessica begins, "Dan, I heard what happened…"
"Yeah," I breathe,

"He decided to come back to school this week despite having permission to stay home for a little while, and that's how we know he's certifiably crazy," PJ jokes, and I laugh.
"I think the fact that I landed myself in what's politically incorrectly referred to as a mental hospital," I muse, and Jessica's eyes continue to widen,
"Calm down, Jess," Phil chimes in with his usual calming voice in conjunction with a smile, "It was just a ward attached to the hospital and it was pretty, and clean, and bright, and not at all as creepy as old movies make them seem,"
"I'm okay, I really am," I assure Jessica and she shoots me a smile. I think she's finally convinced,
"I would've visited, but Peej was only at school on days of rehearsal and wouldn't tell me much, and Phil was pretty much out too, and Chris-"
"And Chris was a complete jerk that you were unsure about talking to about it," Chris finishes her sentence and she twitches up the corner of her mouth with a nod.

"It's alright," I tell her, "Honestly, I had mum and dad, Chris, Peej, and Phil. Trust me, just because Phil makes it sound nice, doesn't mean it's a place you want to be, even if it is just visiting, so it's probably best for your own sake that you didn't know about it,"
"Did Dan tell you about the shower curtains yet?" PJ asks her, "Because so far it's his favourite thing to complain about," he laughs.
"No! What happened with the shower curtains?!" Jessica chuckles,
"There were none!" I exclaim, "I felt so exposed!"
"You were alone in a locked bathroom," Chris laughs, "How could you have possibly have felt exposed?"
"It was just wrong, okay?" I giggle, and Phil's arm encircles my waist,
"So, you'd rather complain about a literally none existent issue than about how they took your phone and the only outside contact you had was these twits and your parents?" Jessica laughs, showing off her pretty grin,
"Um, yes… because thinking about my lack of internet still hurts."

I do not like Mrs Williams. I dislike her with a passion. I wouldn't go as far as to say I hate her, but I don't like her one bit. She's the schools infamous floating substitute teacher, basically, if any teacher is absent or unable to teach a lesson she's the first person called. She's usually here every day, supervising something or taking over a lesson or two, so I'm sure the teachers would like her, but not the students. She's been teaching Ms Winder's class for about a month now since she went on maternity leave. Ms Winder's was an excellent teacher, so in comparison, she's honestly pretty shit,
"Daniel, can you come to the front please?" she calls me from the teachers desk at the front of the history classroom. I hesitate for a moment, I'm not entirely prepared for a conversation with her, not now, not today. I've already had to speak with several teachers today about my "special situation", ensuring that I'm never alone at school and blah, blah, blah – Mrs Williams was not there. I awkwardly make my way to the front, all eyes on me, and stand by the desk.

"Yes, miss?" I address her, and she gestures for me to sit in the chair by the desk,
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but the record says that you haven't been in class for over a week now?" she queries and looks at me expectantly.
"Yeah, I've… sick," I say, quickly thinking of a viable excuse,
"Is that so?" she asks, and I shrug my shoulders with a nod. What else am I supposed to tell her on the spot like this? "And what was the matter, Mr Howell, which was so serious that you couldn't attend my class for over a week?"
"I don't really want to talk about it…" I murmur,
"That's not answering my question, Daniel," she says sternly. I'm starting to feel rather anxious and uncomfortable. Why won't she just leave me alone?

"I was in hospital…" I mumble, and she looks at me, clearly unimpressed.
"You look perfectly healthy to me, what was the matter?" she demands, looking cross.
"Looks can be deceiving," I say under my breath,
"Excuse me, Daniel?" she requests angrily, "And don't mumble, and don't you dare give me another smart answer."
"Fine!" I say standing up to exit the classroom, drawing the attention of the entire class, "I wasn't here because I was in a fucking mental hospital!" I spit, tears in my eyes, "Because I tried to kill myself!" I storm from the room, probably leaving a shocked classroom and hopefully guilty as fuck teacher behind as I power-walk through the hallways with tears streaming from my eyes. Where the fuck do I go? What am I doing? Where am I going? I have one more period after this one, Phil and Chris are both in English with me and will definitely notice my absence.

I find my locker through the blurred haze of tears and shove my book in there before slamming it shut and continuing straight outside, past the picnic table under the tree that we sit at during lunch, and out the school gate with absolutely no regard of the security man calling out to me and quickly grabbing his walkie-talkie to notify someone that cares. I hurry down the street, rubbing my eyes and dabbing my cheeks with the edge of my sleeves, trekking straight home. I unlock the front door and head to the kitchen, opening the fridge and staring inside it. Suddenly I feel ill. Nothing is appealing, I don't want anything. I just grab a bottle of water and drag myself up the stairs, biting my lip to hold off the sobbing. All I wanted was for things to go back to normal! Why didn't I just stay in my bed? That's it, I'm not going again. If the definition of insane is repeating the same action over and over again and expecting a different result, then I'm going to prove I'm not insane by not going to school again. What's the point?

The moment I've gotten myself undressed, wrapped myself up in my duvet and snuggled down into my bed, my phone starts ringing. Consistently. Whoever it is just won't let up, but I don't care, not now. I just grab my blanket and pull it up higher, absentmindedly snapping the rubber band around my wrist against my skin, a habit that I'd thought I'd dropped after telling Peej and noticing him constantly watching me and eventually resorting to taking them off me whenever he noticed me playing with them. Eventually the tears stop and I'm left feeling sick and generally off. I close my eyes and ultimately cease all movement, falling asleep to vibrations of my phone and the sound of my own slow, deep breathing.
"DAN?! DAN, ARE YOU HERE!?" PJ's voice wakes me up, followed closely by the sound of two pairs of feet galumphing up the stairs at a quick pace. My door is flung open and I sit up with tired, red, puffy eyes looking up at them, at Phil and PJ.

"Huh?" I wonder aloud, rubbing my eyes, blinking a few times and
"Baby doll, are you alright?" Phil asks after taking a single look at me and hurrying over to envelop me in a hug, "What happened? Baby, talk to me," he gushes, squeezing me tightly.
"I, um… no. I don't want to talk about it…" my muffled voice answers him,
"Dan, are you okay?" PJ asks, "Sarah came up to me after school and told me what happened, and, well, you know Sarah, her version of events was more of a gossip thing than helpful, reliable information."
"I'm not going back," I murmur,
"It's okay, angel," Phil whispers, brushing his lips against my cheek, "Just take some time and you can think about it all when you feel better, yeah?"
"Yeah…" I breathe, and Phil and PJ exchange a look,
"Can we join you in there?" Phil smiles, and I let out a short, breathy laugh and nod before the two of them join me, one on either side of me in the double bed, squishing us together a little.

"You really need to stop disappearing from school and not answering your phone," PJ sighs as he pulls the corner of the duvet over us a little more,
"I'm sorry…"
"After what happened with Mrs Williams, she freaked out and went to the deputies and no one could find you, and then Dan the security man called in and told them some student had just walked out and they freaked out and pulled me out of class," he continues, "They called mum…"
"Should we maybe tell your mum I'm okay and get her to call the school? What time is it anyway?" Phil asks,
"I texted mum," he says, "It's about quarter past two,"
"So you guys left school early because of me…?" I ask, and Phil nods,
"Peej came and got me before coming home, he figured I might be useful," he tells me.
"I'm sorry…" I say, and I mean it.

Mum shuffles about in the kitchen, putting a variety of strange foods on top of each other to form a sandwich. I take the last bite of my own sandwich and watch as she wanders into the dining room and sits across from me,
"Was it good?" she asks, and I nod. I haven't really spoken to anyone at home for a couple of days, mostly out of embarrassment for ruining everything on Monday… I haven't been back to school either, "Sweetie, Phil came over before school to walk with PJ," she says, "He asked me to tell you to call him when you're feeling up to it. We're all a little worried, you haven't spoken to anyone since Monday afternoon. It's Thursday, Dan, and I know you're going through a lot, but… I miss your smartass comments, and the baby misses your voice." She smiles and I smile back with a quiet, breathy laugh. "Can I tell you a secret?" she leans over the table and I nod a little, "Jamie and PJ don't know yet, so you can't tell them!" she laughs, and I nod again.

"Well," she continues, "I wasn't sure if I wanted to know, but I then I decided that I'm way too impatient to wait until late November, so I spoke to my doctor on Tuesday when Jamie went to get the car after my appointment, and… You're going to have a brother! Another one, I guess," she adds with a chuckle.
"Really?!" I exclaim, and her entire face lights up even more,
"Yes, really!" she squeals with a bright grin, "I know I said no more boys, but I'm going to have another little boy and I'm so excited! He's healthy and he's going to be all handsome just like all my other men," she beams.
"So Jamie and your other four boyfriends?" I joke,
"Daniel!" she laughs, "I guess I asked for that, I did say that I missed your stupid smartass comments,"
"They weren't stupid when you missed them," I tease,
"Be quiet, you. I meant you, PJ and Jamie!" She says with a giggle, "Do you think he'll have blue, or green eyes?"

"Why not brown eyes?" I pout,
"Because Jamie's eyes are green, my eyes are blue, and none of our immediate relatives have brown eyes except you," she says, "And your brown eyes come from your-" she stops herself.
"My dad?" I finish, and she nods,
"Sorry…"
"It's alright," I shrug with a shy smile, "Is it hard? Like, looking at me and seeing his eyes, and his nose, and his features?" I ask quietly, and she shakes her head.
"No, sweetie," she smiles, "When I look at you I only see you, your eyes have a different soul behind them, they're the same colour as your father's, but they're definitely not the same, sweetheart. You are very different from your father, and I've known that for a very, very long time. You care about people, you love people, and you are a better person than he is. You're a better person than the person I thought he was too" she tells me, "And I am very, very proud of you."

"I love you, mum," I whisper, and she smiles,
"I love you too, my baby,"
"Mum… what about Jamie? Do you think that it's hard seeing bits and pieces of his first wife in PJ? I mean…"
"His does miss her," mum says, "He still loves her, and I'm glad that he does. I went to high school with Rachel, we weren't friends but we had a few classes together over the years and she was a nice girl, very smart and very talented. I can fully understand why Jamie fell in love with her, and I'm sure it must be at least a little harder than he lets on, but he believes that everything happens for a reason. He knows that she would have wanted him to be happy and for he and PJ to have some sort of a family and happy lives, which they both have now, just like we do."
"Is it really that happy with me around, though?" I sigh, and mum looks at me sadly,
"They love you, Dan. You're going through a rough patch right now, but you have most definitely contributed to making us, as a group of people, a family. Just because things are difficult now does not diminish the fact that we all love you and that you make us all happy."
"I guess…"

"Dan, if it wasn't for you, PJ wouldn't call me mum. Remember when you were younger and your school wanted everyone to do Mother's day craft?"
"Yeah?" I answer in a small voice,
"Jamie and I had just gotten engaged and that whole situation was very, very difficult for him. It was a strange transition and he didn't know what to do. He'd never had a mum before, was I his mum? Was I not his mum? Was I going to be his mum, but wasn't yet? He didn't know, Dan, but you told him that he could share your mum and solidified for him the idea that we were going to be a family. Looking back it might look like a little thing, but that started a roll of other little, yet very, very, important things for us as a family. We have all contributed greatly to becoming the family we are, including you," mum says. She's right. She's so right! I get up and walk around the table to hug her and she kisses my cheek,
"You're right," I tell her, "Now eat your gross sandwich," I joke, "I love you."

The second PJ walks in the door from school I practically tackle him, wrapping my arms around him and taking a moment to steady us so that we don't fall over,
"Peej," I grin,
"Hey," he says, "I take it you feel a little better?"
"Yeah," I smile at him, letting him put his stuff down and kick his shoes off,
"Okay," he says, "You may proceed," and I wrap my arms around him again, reflecting off of everything mum had said earlier and off of all the little things that brought us to where we are now, and I grip him tighter as silent tears escape my eyes until I'm forced to take in a shaky breath.
"I thought you were feeling better?"
"I do, I swear," I laugh it off, "I just- I'm really glad you're here."
"I had to come home from school eventually," he chuckles, still obviously confused,
"You know that's not what I meant," I say, "I need to go, I'll see you later, okay?"
"Um, okay…" he replies, heading up the stairs as I shoot out the front door.

After running to Phil's house I'm sweating and I'm gross, but I don't care, I knock on the door anyway. All that physical activity is not going to waste, it will not be for nothing!
"Dan?" Phil asks with a smile when he opens the front door, "Are you okay, you look, um… have you been running?"
"Yeah," I puff, "I ran here."
"Why?" he chuckles, motioning for me to come inside,
"Because I love you and I'm sorry for everything, and you're really intelligent and cheeky and fun, and I know I've been really self-centred lately, but I'm so thankful for having met you because you are so amazing, Phil Lester. I'm sorry that you've been anxious because of me, and I'm sorry that people at school, including myself, have been so horrible to you, and I'm sorry that you have to be away from your family, but… everything else to do with you, I'm so grateful for."

"Dan, you don't need to apologise," he pulls me in for a hug, "I love you too, and none of this is your fault, okay? Except maybe the part about how you were a jerk to me for the first couple of days at school," he chuckles, "But I knew you were dealing with some kind of mental health stuff from the second time we sat and talked in that disabled bathroom. I asked PJ about you, and he didn't say anything specifically but with our encounters and the slight inclination that PJ gave me, it was enough to put two and two together… So I knew and I still chose to involve myself with you because you just appealed to me so much, and you're really fucking hot, Dan, so it's my own fault anyway. Basically, you're adorable, you're a terrific person and you're worth all of my time and energy."
"Did you just say 'terrific'? Are you a primary school teacher stamping my homework?" I laugh, and he kisses me briefly,
"See? There we are! My usual Dan, ruining the moment," he grins, "I wouldn't have it any other way."