It's Friday morning and my alarm is going off. I blink a few times, waking up properly, before contemplating the murder of whoever invented the alarm. I grab my phone and turn off the godforsaken noise, checking the time and sliding from my bed. I'm going back to school today. I'm not better and I don't know when, or if, I will be, but today I'm going to start getting things together again. This was just a relapse, and I understand that that happens sometimes and it's a not fault in myself, Jamie has assured me of this, so I know that today is going to be okay. I quickly straighten my hair, which turns out to not really be quickly at all because I'm a complete moron that slept with wet hair, but that's just a minor setback. Not a problem. I pull my shirt on over my now-perfect hair, and pull my jeans up over my legs and wander downstairs to eat breakfast with mum, Jamie, and Peej. I'm scared.
Mum's really happy that I'm going to school and feeling good today, and she can't stop smiling as she tells Jamie and PJ about the sex of the baby. The second the sentence exits her mouth, Jamie is beaming right along with her, and PJ is laughing because mum once swore that she wouldn't let another boy into the house because she's already outnumbered.
"When are your appointments with the sex-changing witch doctors?" PJ jokes, and mum tells him that she's changed her mind and loves him just the way he is, even with his penis.
"Are you really discussing genitals at the breakfast table?" Jamie asks, standing up and transporting mum's and his own cereal bowl to the kitchen sink,
"What else would we talk about?" mum chimes with cheeky grin, and he smiles, kissing her quickly before saying goodbye and heading out the front door to work. Within a few minutes PJ and I do the same and are on our way to school. I'm scared.
We enter the school gates and see Phil talking to Chris while Jessica and her sister, Mia, stand by them, engaged in their own conversation.
"Hey," Peej smiles at Jessica and Mia, and Chris and Phil smile a hello at us,
"Hey Peej, Mia here was just telling me ALL about how wrong her opinion on Scruff's haircut is," Jessica says.
"Scruff got a haircut?" PJ asks, referring to their somewhat annoying little white dog that refuses to be house-broken.
"He went to the groomers looking like he was wrapped in shag and came back yesterday looking like rat!" Mia argues with a laugh,
"He's adorable!" Jessica exclaims, and pulls out her phone to show us all photos,
"Yeah… He's looking a little rat-ish," Chris laughs,
"But he's a very cute rat-dog!" I chuckle trying to offer both my opinion and support to Jessica.
"See, Jess? Even your friends agree with me, that means I'm right," she giggles and quickly ties her pretty blonde hair into messy pony-tail as Phil hops over to kiss me on the cheek and tell me he'll see me in class because he has to see one of the deputies before the bell rings.
"PJ, please tell me you think he's cute…" Jessica pleads,
"He's a little bit cute," PJ admits. "He looks happier."
"Fine," Mia says, "He's a cute, happy, little rat," she sticks her tongue out at Jessica and quickly rushes some goodbyes before running out to join the soccer match she must've spotted going on down on the front field. Within ten minutes the first bell rings and we all head off to our first lessons. I sit down in my seat and Phil's not here yet, in fact, by the time the entire class and the teacher, Mr Tacker, are all in the classroom, Phil still is not. Come on, Phil… Where are you? I open my book to all of the catch-up work I did when I was away from school and in hospital, I'm really glad I caught up on all this Shakespeare stuff, and wait for Mr Tacker to start the lesson… and then the door opens.
When I was in year five, I tripped over the garbage bin by the door and ended up falling out the classroom door in front of everyone. When I was fourteen, I tripped over my own feet and fell face-first onto the floor in front of, you guessed it, my entire class. I have a habit of drawing negative attention to myself. Every time I have to enter a classroom that's already full of students I somehow manage to mess up something as simple as walking, or on one occasion, breathing – ultimately resulting in becoming a spectacle. I have never just walked in confidently, smoothly or calmly, yet, this is exactly what the black haired boy at the front of the room has just done. He's tall, exactly six centimetres taller than me, and he walks with a confidence that I have always admired about him. He walks down the centre of the room without obtaining unnecessary attention, just another quality I envy of him, and his head is held high. He takes his seat next to me and flashes me an absolutely lovely smile, immediately pulling out two pencil cases. I once thought that was weird, but not now. It's just Phil, my Phil. He needs them both, one for his regular school pens and the other for his coloured pencils and, this time, a brand-new, blank colouring book… It's time for a fresh start, and I don't think I'm scared anymore.