I don't own Glee or its original characters.

Chapter 5

The after-dinner conversation flowed loosely around several topics for a while, from Max's basketball team he coached at his school to Blaine's new album and from there to Santana's hunt for an apartment. With Rachel and Quinn getting married she wanted to give the couple some privacy. Besides, she found, it was time for a place of her own. While Rachel and Quinn insisted that Santana was welcome to stay, sometimes it did become a bit crowed in the bathroom in the morning with four people when Teresa also stayed over. So Santana stubbornly refused the offer to stay.

"Look at it this way. If you two have a fight, one of you will always have a place to crash."

Quinn rolled her eyes and snorted. On the one hand she understood Santana's reasoning. She and Teresa seemed to get along really well, so it was only logical that the two women wanted a bit more privacy as well. Still, it would be hard to not have her best friend around anymore, Quinn thought. Santana had been living with her for the past two years and so far it had been a great arrangement that had served everybody well.

Quinn leaned forward and reached for the wine glass on the table. Slowly she got up and strolled along the strings with the pictures attached, casting a cursory glance at them while she passed. There was one of her with Santana during Cheerio practice back in high school. A nostalgic smile washed over her features. All of a sudden she felt a presence near her and was not surprised to hear Santana ask in a low voice:

"Do you miss the good old times?"

Quinn looked at her friend who kept staring at the picture, then she looked back at it as well, revoking the atmosphere of that particular day the photo had been taken. It had been an extra curriculum training session during a Christmas break, the blonde remembered. Sue Silvester, their coach, had insisted that everybody was getting fat over the holidays and in order to prevent that, the girls had to attend a couple of extra early morning exercises. In the picture Quinn was ordering some younger girls around wearing her Queen B face, while Santana stood in the background talking to Brittany.

Quinn chuckled. "Well, I miss some parts of it, but not everything. If you asked me if I wanted to switch my time now with my past, I'd definitely say no! Life is much better now. Not necessarily easier, but still better."

Santana thought for a while, looking at Brittany in the photo.

"Hm. I have the same feeling. We had some great times and we learned a lot and sometimes I think that things were a bit easier then – in retrospect. But I also would not want to go back." From Brittany on foto she glanced over to Teresa who was talking to Lauren with Kurt's help.

"Is Jenna also coming over?" Santana then asked.

"Depends on when she gets out of the theater. She said she'd definitely try to come," Quinn answered, following Santana's gaze.

Jenna was close friend of Quinn's. The blonde had been her mentor at Yale. When Santana and Jenna got to know each other, some sparks flew between them, but it was never enough to really burst into flames. They liked each other a lot, but they would not be more than good friends, both decided.

Santana had met Teresa at a birthday party from one of her colleagues. The Latina worked at a private company that specialized in personal trainings. Even as a Cheerio she had always enjoyed bossing the other girls around. It was not really surprising that she also loved that part of her job now where she got to kick some ass. As a personal trainer she was often hired to train some highly paid corporate VIPs and the occasional actor or actress. The only part she didn't like about her job was getting up so very early in the morning, because many of her clients wanted to get their workout done before work.

But a grumpy early morning Santana could be very convincing when one of her clients thought he or she could cheat their way through an exercise. They soon learned that they'd rather risk breaking down than giving Santana a reason to raise her bitch factor.

The Latina took a step to the left and glanced at a picture that showed Quinn in the musical Bohemiens while she was on tour for three months. Santana and Teresa had visited Quinn in Chicago on one weekend where the musical was scheduled for three nights. As Teresa had not seen the musical, Santana took her to see it. Together they explored the city for the rest of the weekend. Quinn had been able to make some free time and joined them on a city sightseeing tour.

The blonde stepped closer to her friend to examine the photo as well.

"Oh my," she sighed.

"What? I thought you liked touring with your colleagues."

"Yes, I did, but I found it so hard being separated from Rachel for such a long time. I mean, we did see each other in between, but not as often as I would have liked. I was just so glad that she then started preparing for her movie. So I knew we both would not have had much time for each other anyway, even if I had stayed."

"Would you have stayed, if Rachel had asked you to?" Santana asked curiously.

Quinn shook her head, then sighed. "No. Yes. I don't know. The thing is, she never did ask and she never would have. I know that she would never place herself between me and my career. So I never had to think about that. Why do you ask?"

Santana shrugged. "Just curious, that's all."

"Santana, you are never just curious. Spill, Lopez." The Blonde demanded and her hazel eyes bore into her friend.

"I was wondering at times how much you would give up for her. How far you would go to make her happy, regardless of what it would do to you. Don't get me wrong, I never doubted your love for her or hers for you. I was just afraid that either one of you would have to sacrifice too much at one point." Santana turned towards her friend. "You know, I really though at one point that you being a musical star and Rachel – with all that she had to leave behind - well, that those two worlds would clash and that you'd never find a way back tos each other. After she broke up with you that time in Lima, I really prayed that you'd somehow manage to get back together. You two kept me really sweating there for a while."

Santana smiled slightly, but Quinn understood that this time had been quite hard for her friend as well. She cherished this moment of raw honesty and insights into the other women's feelings. Santana could be rude and very challenging, but deep inside she really cared for her friends and would do everything to protect and help them.

Already before the time of separation Santana had come to like Rachel and accept her as a friend. So standing between the two women, seeing her family breaking apart took quite a toll on the Latina, more that she'd ever admit. Seeing them so happy now, after all they had gone through, made Santana really happy as well.

"Well, I'm just glad that we both had friends who helped us through this." Quinn stated simply.

"I know Berry hated me at times for kicking her butt," – for calling Rachel by her last name she received a slight shove from Quinn's elbow in the side and continued with a teasing smile –" I know Rachel hated me at times for challenging her. At one point I would really have understood if she would not have been able to go through with it all, but don't you ever tell her that! I can't have that she thinks I'm going soft on her." Santana laughed.

"Tell her what?" Quinn feigned ignorance with a raised eyebrow.

"That's my girl," Santana grinned. She grew sober again. "I'm just glad that her love for you and her determination seem to overcome a lot of obstacles. And so did yours," she smiled and bumped Quinn's shoulder slightly with her own.

"You played an important role in that, Santana. Don't underestimate yourself."

"Nah, that could never happen," Santana smirked.

They both looked at the picture again. Quinn didn't want to remember the conversation she had with Rachel prior to her touring. She had put it off too long to tell Rachel about the offer she had received. She had known that the longer she waited, the harder it would get, but somehow she hadn't managed to tell her other half about it.

Backflash

Quinn threw an angry look over her shoulder at the seat behind her. "Oh shut up!" she mumbled through her clenched teeth. The subway rattled along its tracks and rocked them slightly in their seats.

"What's wrong?" Rachel read the irritated expression on Quinn's face, even though she couldn't quite read the words from her lips.

Nothing. Quinn signed quickly, shaking her head.

Rachel narrowed her eyes, debating whether to probe more or to leave Quinn alone.

"You don't look like it's nothing," Rachel observed.

Quinn sighed and leaned her forehead shortly against Rachel's shoulder before she started explaining with her hands, not bothering to speak in parallel.

I don't know why it bothers me so much today, but I so fucking don't care that this guy two rows behind us is trying to explain his wife how to get the new TV set up. I would like to smack that guy over there so he will finally stop tapping his foot. And if that girl at the other end shouts any louder into her phone, she doesn't need it anymore because whomever she is talking to will understand her without it, she finished exasperated, her signing getting more and more agitated.

Rachel had picked out the people in the crowded subway train through Quinn's descriptions. She tried to evoke the acoustic memory of the sound level such a train ride during rush hour usually provided. She remembered the squeaky noise of the wheels on the tracks, the rattling of the wagons as they chugged together, the shrill sound of the breaks.

Slowly she evoked the other noises as well. The low murmur of people talking, some to their seat neighbors, some to friends or family on the phone. Sometimes you could hear the music over the headphones of someone who apparently gave a damn about his hearing. Passengers where coughing, clothes were rustling while they moved or searched something in their bags.

All in all there were a lot of noises, but Rachel could not remember that it was so loud that it set you on edge. Maybe Quinn was just tired. She'd had a couple of exhausting weeks. Or maybe she was still a bit nervous about that time when they got stuck in a subway car without lights for hours on end. Rachel new that Quinn never liked being underground, neither in a building or a train. Very often they opted for a cab if the ride was not too long and expensive. Usually the distances they crossed were within city limits and hardly put a dent in their pockets.

"Want me to lend you my ears for a while?" Rachel asked half joking.

Quinn had to laugh. "Yeah." That would be good, she continued with her hands. Sorry, but right now I wish I could turn off the sound. Sometimes I feel like all these noises and people force themselves on me and I can't do anything against it. You know, if you don't want to see anything, you just close your eyes. But with your ears, that doesn't work. You are constantly forced to hear. If you want to or not, if it interests you or not. It's just so hard to not listen to something.

Quinn turned and caught the strange look on Rachel's face. The brunette then turned and let her eyes roam again through the train, search for any potential sources of noise. It was hard to judge what could indeed be bothersome and what not without actually being able to hear it. Even after one and a half years, she still wished she could turn her ears on, even if just for a moment. She was afraid of forgetting sounds, of forgetting music, voices, sounds in general. Moments like that helped her remembering. Even though the noise level was bothersome for Quinn at that moment, sharing her irritation with Rachel kept the memories alive.

"Can you hear the girl's music through her headphones?" She then asked Quinn, indicating with her head whom she meant.

The blond nodded. Yes. Another constant background noise.

Rachel focused back on her girlfriend. Quinn was irritable the whole day already and the brunette had the feeling that something more was going that she was not telling her. Why all this rant about the noise? Rachel knew what Quinn meant about not being able to turn off the noises and voices as easily as it was with images and pictures. She was wondering why she brought it up now, but was interrupted in her train of thought by Quinn's hands angrily moving through the air.

And if this bozo who just sat down opposite of us doesn't stop playing with his damn keys, I'm going start screaming. I will. I swear!

Rachel's eyes landed on the fumbling hands of the man on the other seat. She narrowed her eyes, watching him for a moment. When it was clear that he wouldn't stop playing while he looked outside the window absentmindedly, she leaned forward and politely asked the man to stop jingling with his key chain. He looked at Rachel for a second, clearly having been somewhere else with his thoughts. As he tucked the offending objects away with an apologetic smile, Rachel turned to Quinn with a slightly raised eyebrow.

Better? She asked Quinn signing, earning a confused look from the man.

Rachel, you can't just tell people you don't know something like that!

And why is that? Rachel asked perplexed. It's not like you ever had a problem telling me in high school what disturbed you about me or anyone else.

That was different, Quinn retorted.

Rachel was confused as to what the real problem here was. How was that different? Maybe you were less polite, yes.

Quinn seemed to become impatient with the whole topic.

I knew you. That's what made it different.

Rachel furrowed her brow. And because you knew me that gave you more legitimacy to insult and hurt me?

I thought you had forgiven me for that.

Yes I have, but nevertheless I felt that way back then. Rachel paused for a moment, collecting herself. I don't think that this really is about me or this dangling key chain. What is going on here right now, Quinn?

Nothing. I just don't want to discuss this here any further.

Why? We're signing. Nobody understands us anyway.

"Rachel, can we just leave it?" Quinn asked aloud with an exasperated expression.

"Fine." After searching Quinn's face for a moment, Rachel turned and looked out of the window, feeling sad, confused and hurt.

Quinn bit her cheeks in order not to start crying. She felt so bad how she had treated Rachel just now. Why on god's earth had she reacted like that? After thinking a moment, she knew why. Rachel was right. This wasn't about her or the noises that set her on edge.

This whole theater and going on tour thing had completely thrown Quinn off balance. And the worst part about it was that Quinn had not told Rachel anything yet. She was always waiting for the right moment, but inwardly knew, that there would never be the "right" moment and that the longer she waited, the more difficult it would become.

The blonde exhaled slowly and then reached for Rachel's hand. But Rachel did not even turn and snatched her hand back. Quinn saw the jaw muscles work as her girlfriend clenched her teeth in hurt and anger.

When they reached their home station, both got out, not holding hands, not looking at each other. Quietly they walked up to the apartment. In the elevator Rachel pointedly avoided eye contact.

Inside, Quinn hung up her coat she quickly went to the bathroom. She needed a moment to collect her thoughts. She needed to tell Rachel about the tour. Now.

When she came out, she found Rachel standing in the kitchen.

Rachel had her back turned to Quinn and fiddled with the paper of the pad that lay on the counter. She felt Quinn's eyes bore into her back, but for the moment the brunette refused to turn around in order to take up the conversation.

Quinn stared at her girlfriend, willing her to look at her. She knew she should have told her sooner. But there was never the right time, never the right moment, never the right mood.

Right.

The blonde could find so many more excuses. Fact was, she had been scared to tell Rachel about it. She was afraid of what it would mean for them, for their relationship.

"Rachel," Quinn called softly, even though she knew that the brunette would not hear her, but just that instant the petite woman turned her head and caught her name from the blonde's lips.

Rachel crossed her arms and waited.

The blonde stepped closer and started to explain.

Your were right. I have something on my mind now and I just haven't found the courage to tell you. I know it's not fair, but I didn't know how… She rushed along. They asked me to go on tour with the ensemble all across North America.

Finally it was out. Quinn exhaled slowly and dropped her hands. Rachel watched her closely and saw the pain and fear play across the blonde's features. She understood that it must not have been easy to think about the options and consequences and she understood that it was never Quinn's intention to hurt her. Still, it did hurt.

Rachel raised her hands and signed the next words without voicing them along.

Quinn, even though I didn't consciously think about this, it was clear that sooner or later you would get an offer to play somewhere else or go on tour. Still, it hurts when you keep things from me. I noticed that something bothered you over the past weeks. It always puts a strain on our relationship if we don't share things that are bothering us. Why didn't you just tell me?

Quinn looked at the floor and then back up at the brown, imploring eyes.

I guess I thought I could just ignore it and pretend everything is like it was and we'd be in our happy little bubble forever. You know… you doing your movie, me having engagements here in New York, getting to see each other every night, spending the weekends…We are currently leading quite busy lives already, I just didn't want to think about adding complications and what would happen if I went away for months on end. She dropped her hands.

Santana sauntered into the room and immediately picked up on the tense atmosphere.

She looked between the two women, caught Quinn's glare and turned on her heel again. Sometimes it was better to get out of the line of fire and get a recount when the heat had cooled down. But Rachel noticed the look that passed between the two old friends.

"Don't tell me you knew!"

The Latina turned and looked at Rachel. Knew what? She asked signing.

"About Quinn's engagement."

Now Santana had a truly confused look on her face. "Noooo, I did not…" belatedly she started to sign along. "I did not know about any new engagement," Santana stated with a look at Quinn.

The blonde's shoulders dropped. Great. It was hard enough to tell Rachel, and Santana would have been the next person to know, but now everything took a life of its own somehow.

"Look, San, I'll tell you later, ok? It's something I would like to discuss with Rachel first." The blonde's hands gracefully formed the words in parallel, so her girlfriend would understand what was being said.

Santana understood that this was something big and nodded her understanding. She quickly squeezed Rachel's shoulder before she left, letting the brunette know that she had a good guess of what the discussion was about. The gesture also told Rachel that she should not be too hard on Quinn. The blonde was probably suffering as much as Rachel bearing the news.

Rachel's eyes followed the tall, dark haired woman until she disappeared into her room. When she cast her eyes back on Quinn, her gaze softened somewhat. It wouldn't help focusing on the fact that Quinn had omitted her out of state engagement for whatever reason. A part of her could even understand a little why the blonde had avoided talking about it.

On the other hand, they had to discuss this now and what it would mean for them. Rachel needed to understand the extent of their work related separation so she could focus on planning, on plunging herself head on into organizing, in order to try to push the dread away that started filling her.

She stepped forward and pulled Quinn gently over to the couch. Having the counter as a barrier between them wouldn't make tackling this topic easier and she needed physical contact with her girlfriend.

Finally snuggled against each other, Quinn dropped her head on Rachel's shoulder a moment before she signed: I'm sorry that I didn't say anything sooner. I still haven't given the director my final word. I can still get out of the whole thing.

Rachel reached over and placed a hand on Quinn's to still the rush of words.

"Quinn," she said gently, "why don't you start at the beginning? What, where, when, how…"

"Okay," Quinn exhaled. We have been approached – our director has been approached that there were requests to move the show across the country and cover like the biggest 25-30 cities with performances. Of course he said yes and the team is currently trying to work out how to do this without having to stop the performance here on Broadway. So clearly they will need another crew to travel or to fill in here in New York. It is not quite clear yet how they are planning this. Maybe they will take the original cast to go on tour and have a three months hiatus here or whatever.

"When would that take place?" Rachel cautiously asked, finally getting a small understanding of what was going on.

She was familiar with the fact that sometimes successful shows would be picked up by a tour company to be shown around the country for those who couldn't travel to New York. But Rachel knew that these tours weren't usually done within two or three months. Usually they lasted longer. The more successful the show – and having won a Tony for best play, Bohemiens was very successful – the longer the tour, the more shows in each city.

Quinn seemed to pick up on her girlfriend's train of thought. I don't know any details yet. Talk is about starting in fall this year. I don't quite know yet what I will do, but I would really like to go on tour. But not for six months or a year. I couldn't… I couldn't be separated from you for such a long time, only seeing you every other week or months with our tight schedules.

"I know," Rachel whispered. She did know. She would be torn as well.

"Quinn, we had this discussion before. With a slightly different background, but I don't want you to hold back because of me. I don't ever want to be the reason for you not following your heart and your career. This is a huge opportunity!"

Quinn took one of Rachel's hands who had signed along her own words. The blonde stroke a thumb over the back of the brunette's hand, before she placed a soft kiss on it.

Rachel, I cannot separate my heart from my head. I love you. Isn't it only natural that I don't want to be separated from you for such a long time? It's not because of your deafness, if that is what you meant.

The other woman shook her head. "No. I didn't refer to that," Rachel surprised Quinn by saying. "We will find a solution, whatever your choice is. And…" She didn't finish the sentence.

Quinn waited a moment, but Rachel didn't offer any further explanation.

"And what?" She prompted her after a moment, bumping her elbow playfully into her girlfriend's ribs, confident that she could read the two words from her lips.

Rachel lifted her shoulders and dropped them again, with a small smile. "Maybe I'll have a project that takes me out of the state sometime in the future. Who knows. All I'm saying is that I understand your situation, you know? Even if I had never lost my hearing and we would have become a couple, our schedules would have clashed even more. We would both have had great opportunities that we should not have passed by. I'm not saying that I'm happy about it, but if you really want to go and if you get the offer, then go! Do it! We will find a way to live through this. After all, I'm really good at organizing," she grinned bravely.

In the end, Quinn found an agreement with the director to let her go on tour for the first three months that covered the biggest cities. Rachel planned to visit her twice during that time on a weekend and vice versa Quinn was able to come back home for three stays in between. It wasn't great, but at least this helped bridging the three months. Skyping helped. It kept them in loop of what was happening in their partner's life, but of course it didn't make up for the real thing.

Shortly before Christmas Quinn came back from a final – at least for Quinn - successful show in L.A.. Finding Rachel waiting for her at the airport, gave Quinn the impression that sometimes life was good to you. Sometimes you could have the cake and eat it.

Present

Rachel sauntered over to where Santana and Quinn stood looking at the photographs. She glanced at the picture they both had their attention focused on and quickly let her hand slide across Quinn's back while she passed them on her way to the bathroom.

Quinn understood that gesture. It told her that Rachel remembered that conversation as well, but that they could tackle every obstacle together, no matter how big or hard it was.

"Gawd, you should see that besotted look on your face, Fabray," Santana smirked after watching the small, wordless exchange. "Don't start drooling on the floor, Kurt will throw a fit."

"Shut up Lopez. You don't look much better when you're gawking at your girlfriend," Quinn observed.

Santana laughed, for once not having a smart retort on her tongue, knowing Quinn was right. She was absolutely in love.

A moment later Rachel came back and stole a kiss from her fiancée.

"I'm so enjoying this evening. I can't believe how much effort they put into the decoration," Rachel marveled as she looked around, her arm still slung around the other woman's waist.

Quinn leaned slightly back to have room to sign, careful not to break the half-embrace.

"We should take the stuff and hang it up in our apartment. Well, we might have to exchange some of the pictures, but most of them are really great. I can't believe that even our parents helped them behind our backs, sending baby photos!" she quivered when she looked at an old photo displaying a chubby little two year old with blonde locks.

Rachel laughed. "Nah, I think you looked really cute as a child." Then she yawned. "I need a coffee. Let's ask the others if they want one too."

With that she ducked underneath the clothesline and joined the group, pulling Quinn behind her.

© by Phoenix2013, 2015