I don't own Glee or its original characters.

Chapter 8

Rachel rushed out of the bathroom and finished packing her handbag. Then she came over to Quinn, who leisurely sipped her coffee sitting at the dining table.

"Hey honey!" The brunette bent down and kissed her girlfriend.

Good morning, Quinn smiled

"Did I wake you?" Rachel had an early meeting with her agent, while Quinn had her day off.

The blonde shook her head. No, I wanted to get an early start, have to run a couple of errands and want to call Beth.

"Tell her I said Hi."

I will. Quinn watched Rachel move around the kitchen, taking a small gulp of coffee, before she grabbed her bag and rushed to the door. Then she stopped, turned, grinned and quickly came back to steal another kiss.

"Sorry, I'm running a bit late. Bye, see you later!"

Quinn chuckled and waved, watching Rachel dash out of the door. Then she leaned back and continued thumbing through the newspaper in front of her. Her eyes stopped at an advertising for a new musical. She grinned; it was her new project. The premiere wouldn't be for another two months, but it couldn't hurt to start informing people early enough, she thought.

The new musical was a sort of biography of the greatest female and male Broadway stars in history. It wasn't a medley of the biggest songs and shows; the focus lay more in the lives and key moments of the performers, so all songs used in the musical were original. It was quite daring, because many people probably expected the Broadway classics, but Quinn loved most of the songs already and she was sure that the audience would fall in love with them too.

Quinn was very excited about the show. It allowed her to slip into different roles throughout the evening, portraying people who she admired. They had already started working on the new musical few months back and she loved diving head on into the new venture, experiencing different roles, learning about her characters, analyzing the music. That was what she actually loved best about her work, starting new projects, trying things out and learning about each of the characters. It gave her so much more freedom. Once the show was on stage, there was little room for change, everything was set into a certain frame. But during the first rehearsals everyone was more open to suggestions and willing to try things out.

Rachel was a good sparring partner whom she could run ideas by, as the brunette was still a walking dictionary of all things and people Broadway related. Quinn had been hesitant to talk about it with her, but Rachel had probed and questioned her on her own, so the blonde had opened up more and more. It had been hard, and Quinn knew that it still was, for Rachel to talk about music and Broadway. But since she started pursuing her own acting career, she could at least still live part of her dream. And several incidences in the past had shown to Rachel that even though she couldn't sing anymore or be part of the musical scene, it would still always be a part of her life. Be it through Quinn's profession or her engagement at the school for the deaf where she took kids to a show and explained backgrounds, set up, rehearsal processes and so on.

The harder Rachel had tried to push music out of her life, the faster it came rushing back to her, hitting her square in the face.

Once she had learned to let go and accept the fact that she would always be confronted with it, made it much easier for her to live with.

An hour later, Quinn settled with her laptop on the couch and clicked on Beth's name in the contact list. Immediately she was rewarded with her daughter's face appearing in front of her on the screen. Beth had also a day off, as there was a teacher's conference at her school.

"Hey Beth! How are you? How was the tournament?" The blonde smiled at the small mirror image in front of her.

The blonde girl had started to take horse riding lessons, much to the surprise of everyone in the family. She used to make fun of her friends at school who – like many young girls – were completely into horses. Often this love dissolved once they became teenagers and interests veered into different directions.

A few months back though, Beth accompanied a very good friend to her horse riding lesson and when Jemma had asked her if she wanted to get up, Beth had said yes, much to her own surprise. But the bay American Quarter horse gelding seemed so gentle and looked really nice with his dark mane and tail. Besides, Western riding seemed so much cooler than the dressage she had seen on TV once and most of her other friends did. Gemma didn't have to wear these tight and uncomfortable looking riding pants. She just wore Jeans and boots and the Western style saddle also looked so much more comfortable.

During Gemma's lesson, Kerry, Gemma's trainer, had explained a couple of things to Beth and the girl had many questions that the trainer patiently answered.

After the lesson, Beth mounted the horse with Kerry's help. At first it had felt really shaky when the horse started moving, but soon she got used to it and started to move with the rhythm. Gemma led her along a couple of rounds in the arena and since Kerry still had some time, she gave a couple of tips regarding Beth's posture and how to hold the reigns.

Soon after Beth became a regular visitor at the stable. Shelby wasn't happy about the new hobby at first, but when she realized how much Beth started to love it and that she had quite a natural talent, she agreed to regular lessons.

The past weekend Kerry had organized a little tournament in the stable for her pupils and Beth had been really excited and happy to be asked to participate.

"Oh it was good!" The girl answered excitedly. "There were twenty-five competitors, all different ages, even adults. You know, Kerry trains all kinds of people, not just kids. But I came in seventh! Which is not so bad, because some of the others have been taking lessons for a long time and most have been going longer than me, so mom said I did really good."

Quinn agreed. "Wow, seventh is great for a first try, congratulations! I wish I could have seen it. Did your mom record it?" Shelby appeared in the back ground, smiling.

"Yes I did, just sent you the video. She was really great!" Shelby placed a hand on her daughter's shoulder. "Sorry I didn't send it sooner, we got home so late yesterday that I forgot."

Quinn heard her phone buzz and saw the message from Shelby. "Don't worry, I get to see it now and next time I will be there in person, ok?"

"Oh, you'll love the horses. They are sooooo pretty!"

Quinn laughed at Beth's enthusiasm. It wasn't a big surprise that she'd be interested in competing at sport and Quinn was sure with more practice, she would excel in it. Quickly she opened the video and angled the phone in such a way that Beth could comment on her performance.

Quinn had to admit that her daughter did look very good on the pretty bay horse with her black jeans, boots, red blouse and black cowboy hat. The horse wore a matching red saddle pad.

"Beth, I'm really proud of you! You really learned a lot in just a few weeks."

Beth grinned at the praise. "Thanks." The she blurted out: "If you ever have kids, you'll have to let them take riding lessons as well. Horses are really great animals."

"Beth!" Shelby exclaimed. "Maybe that is a decision you should leave to Quinn and Rachel, don't you think?"

The girl hung her head. "Yes. Sorry mum."

"Beth, it's ok. Don't feel bad. And I promise should we ever have kids, I will definitely consider it." Quinn tried to cheer up the girl.

"Girls, I'll leave you, I still have some work to do. Talk to you later this week Quinn." Shelby chimed in and disappeared with a short wave.

With a look over her shoulder Beth made sure her mother was out of earshot. She chewed her lip before she dared to ask: "Quinn, have you and Rachel thought about having kids of your own?"

Quinn swallowed before thinking of how to answer that tricky questions.

"Well, yes. I did. But that is something that is a little hard to discuss over the internet. I'd rather talk to you about this when I see you in person. Is that ok?"

They had not told Beth the truth about her own background yet. Shelby and Quinn had decided that they would do it shortly after the wedding. Beth had already noted on several occasions that she looked more like Quinn than Shelby. Of course the girl had not made the connection, but the older she got, the more difficult it would probably be to explain. And both women did not want her to learn it from anyone else.

The girl nodded, even though a little disappointed. Still, she didn't let the topic go. There was one final question on her mind.

"If you have your own kids, will you still want to see me and talk to me?" She asked with wide eyes. It almost broke Quinn's heart.

"Oh honey, of course I will. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that could ever keep me from spending time with you. I promise! You know I love you."

Beth seemed reassured by the passionate answer. "Why are you crying?" She then asked and Quinn had to laugh. She wiped the stray tears away that her emotional outburst had caused to fall.

"Because I really mean what I say. You are important to me, you're a very special person, Beth."

"Why? Why am I so special for you?"

Just in that moment the door opened and Rachel came in. She was back earlier than expected.

Seeing Quinn sitting at the computer talking to Beth made her smile. She walked over to the couch and threw her bag on the dining table in passing.

"Hi Beth, Hi honey," she kissed Quinn on the cheek. "I'm sorry I'm late. I thought I might have missed your call."

"I didn't think you'd be back so early. Did the meeting go well?" Quinn asked signing in parallel, a little relieved about the interruption.

"Yes. It did. That's why I'm back sooner than I thought."

Quinn let out a sigh of relief. Rachel could not have had a better timing. Still, she had to give an answer to that important question from Beth. It wouldn't be right to ignore it. It obviously meant a lot to Beth. And it showed Quinn that it was definitely time to talk to her together with Shelby about their whole living situation.

"You are very special to me because I have known you since you were a little baby. I watched you grow up. You were and always will be an important part of my life. Sweetie, I'll talk to your mom. Maybe you two can come to visit us a weekend shortly after the wedding. Then we can talk about this some more, ok?"

Beth nodded again. "Ok." Then her face lit up. "You really think we can come visit you again so soon? That would be sooo great!"

"Yeah, I'll check with your mom, ok? You want to talk to Rachel?"

For her girlfriend's sake she had signed the latter part of the conversation and had interpreted Beth's words. Rachel had a pretty good idea what this conversation was about and placed a reassuring hand on Quinn's shoulder.

Quinn said her good byes, got up and grabbed her phone. She needed to talk to Shelby now. Quickly she explained by signing whom she was going to call. Rachel nodded and sat down in front of the laptop.

Since their first meeting in Lima, Beth had been interested in sign language and had acquired good communication skills over the past two years. Quinn and Beth had a regular date to keep in touch and most of the time, Rachel spent a couple of minutes chatting to her adoptive sister.

Beth was now ten years old and the older she got, the more she resembled her birth mother.

"Hi Beth, how are you?" Rachel asked Quinn's daughter via Skype signing in parallel.

I'm good. Can't wait for summer vacation to begin. I'm so happy that I get to visit you both for the wedding and that I can come again for a couple of days during the summer to stay in the city with you both! And Quinn just said that we might come to again soon after the wedding!

She wiggled in her chair with excitement. Rachel had to smile. She understood the anticipation and the fascination the city held for a young girl. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Quinn on her mobile pacing back and for the in the bedroom. Apparently she was speaking to Shelby, which meant that Rachel should keep the girl busy for a while.

Beth told her about the tournament as well and about her classes and friends. She in turn asked if Rachel had a new movie coming up and how they were getting along with the organization of the wedding. In between she typed a word or a sentence if she didn't know the sign for it.

"Whoa Beth, you have a lot of questions," Rachel laughed. She knew how much energy Beth had and sometimes it reminded her a little of herself when she was younger. She used to pepper people with a lot of questions, often not giving the other person time to breath. Laughing she tried to answer.

"Ok, let me start with the first one. I can't say too much yet, but there might be another project for me in store. But don't tell anybody. I haven't even told Quinn. So this will be our secret, ok, pumpkin? Promise you won't tell anybody?" She looked imploringly at the girl.

Beth nodded. I promise! I swear, I won't tell anybody. What is it? A movie?

Rachel wagged her head. "Yes. But I can't say anymore, ok?"

Beth nodded furiously. But you'll tell me once you get to say more?

"I promise," Rachel solemnly declared. "Now, regarding your second question, we have quite a lot to organize, but luckily we still have a few weeks. We still need to make a final decision regarding the food and the flowers…"

I like forget-me-nots, Beth interrupted. They have such a beautiful blue color.

Rachel smiled. She loved the girl's enthusiasm. "That is true." She admitted, expecting another tirade of questions. But instead she watched the girl grow thoughtful.

Rachel cocked her head. "Hey, what's up," she prompted after a moment. The rest of the questions seemed to be forgotten.

Beth shrugged. Nothing really. She fiddled with her keyboard, before she looked up. I asked Quinn something and she said we will talk about it some other time.

"Well, maybe it was something that she didn't want to discuss over the internet. You know, sometimes it is so much better to have the person in real life in front of you."

I know. But I only asked her if she wanted to have kids.

Rachel had guessed as much and also that this prompted the urgent call with Shelby and the planning of another visit. Before she could steer away from the topic, Beth asked another question.

Can gay people have kids? And who would be the mom if you wanted kids? Quinn said she would want kids, but… the blonde girl bit on her lip as if having said something she shouldn't.

Rachel suppressed a sigh. Sometimes it could be hard dealing with ten year olds. They were more perceptive that adults gave them credit for and there was a lot more going on in their minds than one could ever guess.

"Beth, I really do think that this is something that is easier to discuss in person."

Beth looked sullen. Why? I only asked a simple questions. Do you want kids and how can you do it if there are just two moms? I know you need a guy to make babies. I'm not that little anymore.

Rachel had to smile. She realized that it would be better to give an honest answer than trying to change the topic. Honesty had always worked best with the little girl, she had learned early on.

"Beth, this is not so easy to answer. In principle, yes, I would love to have children. But there are quite a lot of factors that need to be considered, especially in my case."

Because you are deaf?

"Yes." Rachel paused for a moment. "I haven't thought about how this might influence raising a child. I'm not saying that I can't, I just need to think about how to compensate. Do you understand what I mean?"

Beth nodded after considering for a moment. "I think so." Apparently she now understood better why the discussion was best left until they all saw each other and could cuddle up on the couch.

Luckily the girl remembered that she wanted to show Rachel some new signs she had learned, so they finally changed the topic and talked about lighter things. Soon after they ended the call.

Rachel leaned back on the couch with a sigh when Quinn came around the corner, her mobile in her hand, also letting out a deep breath.

So. The game is on then? The blonde tried to joke.

Rachel gave her a small smile.

"Yes, it seems so. Beth is so astute, she knows a lot more of what is going on than we think."

Quinn plopped down next to Rachel and dropped her head on her shoulder. Lifting her hands she asked: I think we really need to tell her about us. About Shelby and me. I'm just not sure how she'll take it. Do you think this is the right time? She looked up.

Rachel turned slightly. "Yes. I think so. Better she hears it now from you and Shelby than if she learns it from someone else."

Quinn nodded thoughtfully and leaned back.

After a moment of silence, Rachel said: "Beth mentioned that she asked you about having kids of your own. She told me you said yes?"

Quinn was stunned for a moment. Then she took a deep breath. Yes. I hope to have kids one day. Don't you? She turned a little to look at Rachel.

Rachel didn't answer at first. Quinn watched her frown and then look at her hands. Gently she touched Rachel's forearm. The brunette just shook her head. Quinn gently reached out and lifted her girlfriend's chin.

Rachel, what's wrong? Quinn was genuinely concerned.

The petite woman licked her lips. She shrugged, then signed. That whole kid-talk…. Can we not talk about that right now?

What do you mean? Kid-talk as in talking with Beth or as in having kids of our own?

No, this is not about Beth.

Quinn nodded, slowly understanding. Is that what was bothering you these last few days? The thought about having kids?

"Yes!" Rachel sat up.

Quinn felt that this might not be such a good moment to press on, but she also wanted to take away Rachel's fears. She didn't want to have this hanging over them in the run up to the wedding.

She placed a hand on the small of Rachel's back before she signed: Honey, please let's not carry that around with us. I noticed that something was bothering you. Please talk to me.

Rachel turned away for a moment. She knew that she should talk about her fears and doubts. But just having managed to get her life back on course, she didn't want to tackle another hurdle that her disability threw in the way. She just wanted to ignore it. But she knew that this would always be thrown back at her feet, no matter how much she tried to push it away.

I don't know if I want kids of my own, Quinn. If I want kids at all.

Quinn digested that for moment. What happened Rachel? I remember some time ago you wanted kids. You even joked about that we should be careful about which of us should carry the child in case they turned out as lively as Beth. I really though you meant that.

I did, but I changed my mind.

Why? What happened? Are you afraid you wouldn't be a good mother? Do you think we wouldn't make good parents? Do you think our busy schedules are too much? What is it?

Rachel saw the confusion and pain in Quinn's eyes.

Rachel, I don't want to force anything, I just want to understand.

The brunette bit her lip. Then she signed slowly: I don't think that I'll be ready to be a mother. Not now, not ever. I don't think I could … I couldn't … I couldn't take care of a child the way I should.

She dropped her hands into her laps, then jumped up and ran into the bedroom, slamming the door.

Quinn blinked. Then she followed her girlfriend and found her face down on the bed staring out of the window.

Rachel, everyone doubts they will do a good job. Parents worry that they won't manage to protect their children from the world and everything bad in it. Every parent wonders if they are ready and good enough. Just because you can't hear, doesn't mean you cannot be a good parent. I believe you'd be a wonderful mom. You are so loving and caring and courageous and talented and driven and just lovely, that every kid would be proud to have you as his or her mom.

She paused for a moment, watching Rachel digest her words. Then Quinn continued.

I am so proud that you will be my wife soon, I wouldn't want to share my life with anyone else. And we will tackle the challenges that having a child will bring together. We will find solutions.

Rachel still had doubts.

I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I want to do it. I will never be able to hear my child's voice, I'll never be able to sing them a lullaby, I will never know when he or she is crying, when something happens and they try to alert me.

Quinn gently kissed Rachel, cupping her face in both hands, before she answered.

I understand that. But there are ways to overcome the problems. Or do you think that other parents with a handicap are not good enough parents?

"No! I'm not saying they aren't. I'm just not sure I am."

Why Rachel?

"I just told you! Aren't you listening?"

Yes, I am. But I am not hearing the real reason.

"What do you mean? I am deaf, that is the real reason. Raising kids is never easy and being a deaf parent will not make it easier."

Quinn understood the dilemma Rachel was facing, but she had one other argument.

Don't you think our kids would love you whether or not you can hear? Do you think they would rather not be on this world just because one of their parents is deaf?

Rachel opened her mouth, but couldn't find the right words.

Well, do you? Do you think a child shouldn't be born because one of his parents might not be perfect?

"That's not what I mean and you know it! I just have enough to do with my own life, I cannot think about raising children now."

Rachel, no one says we should have children now or next year. We are still young. Both of us still have our careers we want to pursue further. I'm not talking about any timeframe here. Just tell me honestly, don't you ever want children?

"What if I say no? Will that impact your decision to marry me?"

Quinn was taken slightly aback. Slowly she shook her head. No, it would not. I'm just wondering why this thought is bothering you so much. I have a feeling that deep inside your heart you always wanted children. You still do. You are just afraid of the challenge that it might present and I understand that there will be things to consider and to think about. But leaving all that aside, what does your heart tell you?

The blonde got up from the couch and looked at Rachel, their eyes locking. You don't have to tell me. Just be honest with yourself. She gave her a short smile and walked into the kitchen.

Rachel slumped back on the couch, thinking about Quinn's words. She remembered the scene that Quinn had mentioned earlier. Beth had visited them as a surprise for Quinn's birthday. The blonde little girl had jumped on their beds, early in the morning, before either of them was truly awake.

A year earlier.

It was the morning after the Tony Award show. Shelby and Beth had come over from their hotel early in the morning and Santana had let them in. Rachel had invited some more friends, since the night before was actually Quinn's birthday. She had planned to surprise Quinn with a visit at a private concert from Emily Sandé, but the date for the Tony Award had to be moved due to some defect in the building and unfortunately it hit right on Quinn's birthday.

But Rachel quickly recovered and rearranged her plans, inviting the friends over for a great breakfast the next day.

Always eager to see Quinn and Rachel, the blonde girl had cannonballed into the bedroom and onto the bed that morning, before anyone could stop her. Luckily the two women had already been awake and could soften the love attack from Beth. Still, one of the girl's knees landed on Quinn's stomach which the blonde only managed to comment laughing with an "Ompfh!"

They cuddled together and talked about the evening for a while.

Then the girl looked at Rachel.

"You looked very pretty last night. Were you nervous when you had to go up on stage? Did you know about the award? Were these people who gave the award to you your friends?" The questions bubbled out of Beth's mouth in rapid succession.

Rachel had received an honorary award for her performance in Funny Girl before her accident. It had been a surprise for everyone and Rachel almost hadn't found the courage to go up on stage to accept it.

Quinn lifted herself up and scooted back to lean against the headboard of the bed..

Rachel gratefully noticed Quinn stop the torrent of words with a comment, signing in parallel.

"Now, Beth, you remember that you have to sign, if you are talking to Rachel, right?"

"Oh!" Beth duck her head. Then she looked up again, sorting her little hands.

Sorry. I forgot!

"That's ok, Beth," Rachel smiled at the excitement the girl radiated. She lifted her own hands. "Now, what did you want to know?"

Before the girl could answer, another head appeared in the doorframe.

"Good morning, sorry to barge in like that. Is Beth bothering you? I couldn't stop her," Shelby explained with an apologetic shoulder shrug.

"No," Quinn shook her head laughing. She gave her daughter a hug and pulled her down to tickle her.

Beth squealed and squirmed, trying to get away from the offending hands.

"Stooooop! Stooooooooooop, puleeeeeezzz," she managed between fits of giggles.

Rachel jumped in to help Beth and soon all three were involved in a nice pillow fight.

Santana came to check if the two women were finally ready to greet their guests, held up her hands in mock offence, turned with a roll of her eyes and ventured back into the kitchen. Shelby grinned and followed her.

After a couple of minutes all three of the bed fighters lay sprawled across the mattresses, panting and gasping for air.

"That was fun!" Beth exclaimed with a huge grin on her face.

They took another couple of moments to catch their breath, before Quinn gently reminded the little girl:

"You wanted to ask Rachel something?"

"Oh yeah, right! You were so pretty, too Quinn! But it was sad that you didn't win as best singer! At least you got a Tony for the whole musical that's great!"

"Yes, I'm really happy about that," Quinn grinned.

The singer's hands never rested during the small exchange, giving Rachel the chance to be part of the conversation.

Beth then repeated her original questions with Quinn's help, as she didn't know all the signs. Rachel tried to answer as honestly as possible and that seemed to satisfy Beth's curiosity.

Did you know that they played your song at the end? Beth then wanted to know.

"Yes." Rachel inclined her head, looking at Quinn, then back at the girl. "Quinn told me."

In a spurt of girlish tenderness, Beth hugged the brunette, mumbling against her neck, while Quinn gave form to those words with her hands.

It sounded very beautiful! And I'm glad that the other people gave you an award. I think you deserved it, really!

"Awww," Rachel was touched. "Thank you, Beth!" She gave the small girl a gentle squeeze, before letting go.

Beth, back to her energetic self, jumped from the bed and dashed through the door, shouting over her shoulder: "I'll check if breakfast is ready!" leaving two smiling women in her wake.

"Wow. If you were like this when you were young, we definitely have to talk about whom of us is having the kids," Rachel mumbled while getting up and grabbing some clothes. At the door she turned and held out her hand towards a stunned Quinn.

Rachel didn't know that it was possible to stutter in sign language, but Quinn displayed a good equivalent of it. With an amused expression on her face the brunette watched her girlfriend's reaction to her comment about having children.

You… you… I mean… we… kids? She ended lamely and then a smile slowly appeared on her face as if she started to like the idea.

Rachel laughed. "Yes. Well, not right now. Right now, I have food on my mind and….. you a little," she stated and went back to pull her girlfriend up, leaning in to the approaching lips to catch a kiss. She kicked the door close with her foot.

Rachel had to smile at the memory. It was true. Beth had reacted in the most natural way regarding her deafness. She had just accepted it as a fact and had started to learn to sign. Maybe it wouldn't be so difficult with their own kids if they grew up with it from the beginning.

Rachel didn't have to look for any answers. She knew them, her heart knew them. Her mind was just too afraid. She remembered her mantra from the early months after the accident. Just one step at a time. Just one day after another. That always seemed to have worked. No more dramas in your head, Rachel, face what is real and don't think about the imaginary negative things that haven't actually happened, she told herself.

She wanted kids. She had always wanted children. But right now, she wasn't sure how their unusual circumstance would influence their kid's life. First there was the fact that Quinn and she were quite well known. Then the fact that they were a gay couple and one of their kid's parent's would be deaf on top; Rachel wasn't sure if all this wouldn't complicate their children's lives more than necessary.

On the other hand, Quinn was also right. Just because some circumstances might not be ideal for kids, it didn't mean that it would actually be a bad idea. For a moment she imagined what it would have been like if one of her dads had a disability; she wouldn't have loved him less or thought negatively about life being more complicated as a result. It would just have been a fact. And if she and Quinn became more famous as a result of their professions, they would also find a way to deal with it.

There was not patented recipe for parenting, neither did optimal circumstances ever exist. It was much more important that you taught your kids the right values and ways to deal with whatever life threw in front of you, the positive and negative. It was important to be there for them and support them to live the life they desired.

Recent events had shown her how things could turn out if you held on too much to your own wishes and did not respect those of your child. Russell was proof of that.

The positive example had been her dads. They had always supported her in following her dreams. They took her seriously. This had always helped to keep an open and honest bond between them.

Rachel sighed.

There wasn't a perfect answer to the whole topic. She was glad she didn't have to make a decision right now. They'd just have to wait and see. One step at a time.

© by Phoenix2013, 2015