Eliminating the Impossible: Chapter II: The Balance Demon Conjecture

I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or the Big Bang Theory. They belong to Joss Whedon and Chuck Lorre respectively.

The following fic contains spoilers for 'BBT S2E13: The Friendship Algorithm', and

'BBT S3E22: The Staircase Implementation'.

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone… ~ Rose Kennedy

President James Siebert pinched his nose in frustration as he reluctantly listened to the incessant whining that permeated his office. The incident at the Magnetic North Pole had caused lasting and serious problems for the university. Caltech's most prestigious theoretical physicist had all but torpedoed his credibility with his false claims of having proven String Theory. In virtually any other situation, Siebert would have simply fired Cooper and sought out a new star scientist. The problem was that Cooper had believed his results to be credible when he announced them. It was sabotage, caused by his three colleagues which had led to this PR nightmare for both the university and Dr. Cooper personally.

That was the source of the whinging in his office. Amazingly enough, to Siebert, it was not Dr. Cooper doing the whining. Upon hearing of the punishment that was to be levied against his three colleagues, Cooper had been surprisingly reasonable and quiet. He had simply nodded his satisfaction. Dr. Koothrappali and Mr. Wolowitz were bearing their semi-disgrace like men. That is to say that they were keeping their heads down and mouths shut, not daring to mouth one word of protestation about being placed on probation for the next year at the minimum.

No, Dr. Hofstadter was the man who could not seem to grasp the sheer severity of this situation. The others had left Siebert's office fifteen minutes ago and Hofstadter would just not shut up and get over it. At this rate, Siebert was liable to have to make the man interviewing for the librarian position wait and, given how much difficulty he was having filling that position, the president's patience was beginning to fray. "Enough, Dr. Hofstadter. My decision on this matter is not up for debate."

"But President Siebert… I really don't think you grasp just how difficult it was deal with Sheldon up there." Leonard's whine was really beginning to grate on him. "It was either use the can-opener or use a crossbow."

Siebert did not appreciate the scientist's theatrics. "I don't understand? I don't understand? Why do you think I sent him up to the North Pole in the first place, Dr. Hofstadter? I wanted a break from putting up with the man. The fact that he was the right man for the job was just gravy. I'm well aware of how annoying and difficult to work with the man is, Doctor. Frankly, that's the only reason you and the others still have a job at all… because I do understand. That being said, this sort of academic sabotage is inappropriate in the extreme and for me not to punish you at all would make this university even more of a laughingstock then you have already achieved. No, Doctor. I am not feeling very sympathetic at the moment."

"But Sir!"

"No. I have an appointment with an applicant that is already five minutes overdue due to your complaints. I do not have the time for this." James' nostrils flared in repressed irritation.

Leonard's expression grew all the more pleading. "How were we to know it would be that bad?"

The President scoffed. "You lived with the man for years, Dr. Hofstadter. How could you not know what the man is like to live with? No, Doctor. You have exhausted the last vestiges of my sympathy. Now get back to work or pack your bags. I am tired of this nonsense."

Siebert watched with a tired expression as the shorter man left the office in a huff. There were days when he asked himself which of his scientists irritated him more. Their neuroses ran the gamut including superiority complexes, inferiority complexes, speech disorders, general lewd behaviour, a whole host of phobias and a number of obsessions and fixations. The man rubbed his eyes and grasped his bottle of aspirin. Two extra-strength Advils and a swig of bottled water quickly soothed the scientist-induced migraine.

President Siebert pressed a button to buzz his secretary. "Is the applicant for the librarian position still in?"

His personal assistant, Carol, chirped back cheerily. "Yes Sir. Shall I send him in?"

James sighed in relief. Wolowitz's borderline sexual harassment had chased off the last candidate. Cooper's condescending attitude had chased off two before that. Kripke's generally loathsome attitude had chased off the one before that. The list went on. If Hofstadter's complaints had caused his latest candidate to leave because of the wait, Siebert would have gleefully revisited the idea of firing the man. "Yes, please do Carol."

Sheldon felt a sigh of irritation building in his chest as he and Kripke exchanged heated words in the cafeteria. If only he could ever express his counterarguments and put-downs as mathematical equations, he was sure that he could truly be great at it. Unfortunately, public speaking had never really been his thing, especially with large or hostile groups. Close friends were much easier to speak to. Unfortunately, he found himself lacking much in the way of close friends. With Leonard forever out of his inner circle and Howard and Raj at least temporarily banished, he simply didn't have anyone other than Penny who would help him rally in such a situation. And Penny didn't visit the university. The sigh finally escaped him as Kripke rambled on in his usual, barely comprehensible blather. "… Einstein's cosmowogical constant was wight all awong. So you're still, surpwise surpwise…"

"Doctor Sheldon Cooper?"

Sheldon blinked in shock, having not noticed the other man coming up to him. He wasn't used to not noticing things, especially so distinctive a person as the man who had just interrupted Kripke. Sheldon thought briefly about taking the man to task for interrupting his conversation, but instead found that he was absurdly grateful. Even he, as unskilled at human interaction as he was, knew that Kripke had been successfully making a fool of him in public. "Do I know you?"

The man, who was wearing an eye-patch of all things, was tall and broad-shouldered, certainly a physically intimidating individual by Sheldon's standards. Still, he wasn't a steroid-popping baboon like Kurt, so Sheldon had hope he wasn't another cruel moron. "I understand you're looking for a roommate. I'm new to the area and was hoping to apply for the position."

Sheldon straightened slightly. This was a far more serious potential discussion than he had been expecting. Searching for a new roommate was serious business. One had to weed out the various undesirables, idiots, weirdos, whistlers and people with irredeemable hygiene. Also people who inscribed messages concerning Sheldon's death on the walls were not particularly welcome either. "Are you aware of the criteria?"

The man shrugged uncaringly. "I assume that you wanted someone who works here, though I suppose you may have posted notices elsewhere. I also saw that you don't want to room with balance demons or people who whistle. If it's the first, I can't say that I blame you. If it's the second then I don't really whistle that much and can certainly live without it. Good enough?"

As Sheldon attempted to process that random bit of digression, 'Balance Demons, honestly', Kripke had apparently reached the limit of his patience "Excuse me, but you are interwupting a conversation we were having."

Sheldon found himself singularly amused when the man in the eye-patch turned a chilly look on the physicist. "Actually what I interrupted was a grade-school pissing match taking place in a university. The conversation that was taking place is the one that you are interrupting just now."

Kripke pulled himself up to his full height. He was respectably tall for a physicist, though still inferior to both Sheldon and the other man. "I am Doctor Bawwy Kwipke…"

The man in the eye-patch simply stared at Kripke with an uncompromising expression. It was at that moment that Sheldon noticed something that had been subtly niggling at him about this new man. He only had one eye. Sheldon had seen many people, including Wolowitz, wearing an eye-patch as ornamentation in some feeble attempt to mate. It was transparent and generally ineffective and Sheldon had initially assumed that this man was one such individual. Closer examination of the man's face, however, suggested that the man wore the eye-patch to cover up a missing eye. 'Fascinating'.

Kripke, meanwhile, appeared increasingly uncomfortable with the man's cool regard and had apparently had decided that discretion was the better part of valor. "It was nice meeting you," he muttered as he slunk away to find a hole to hide in.

Sheldon allowed a faint smirk to cross his face as he watched Kripke leave. "I believe you have already passed the first barrier to roommate-hood. Onto the second barrier: What is the fifth halogen?"

The man looked at him in faint confusion and then shrugged. "I have no idea."

Sheldon considered calling it quits right there. The man was obviously not a scientist, though at least he seemed sure of his answer, even if his answer was to confirm his ignorance. Still, Penny had proven that non-scientists could be tolerable company and Leonard (and Kripke) had proven that scientists could be unpleasant company. "You do work at the university, do you not?" 'Not a geologist. Please not a geologist…'

The man smiled pleasantly. "President Siebert just hired me on today, actually. I'm the new librarian."

"And will you be able to drive me to and from work, despite the destruction of your eye?"

The man either blinked or winked at that. It was hard to tell with the eye-patch. "I could, if you need me to. I'm certainly qualified to drive. It took some time, you understand, but I'm currently well capable."

Sheldon nodded in satisfaction and finally motioned the man to sit down at the otherwise empty table. "Excellent. What is your name? I'll need to do some extensive research later to confirm that you aren't some degenerate killer or some such."

The man actually grinned in response to what most people would call paranoia. 'It's just good sense, for my mother's heaven's sake. I don't know this man from Albert Einstein… Except that Einstein could have told me that the fifth halogen is astatine.' "My name is Alexander Harris, though my friends call me Xander."

Sheldon swiftly noted it down in his head. He would research the man later. For now, the university was a safe enough environment to continue the important questions in relative unconcern. "Very well, then. Kirk or Picard?"

Given the man's physicality, Sheldon half-expected to hear the man ask who they even were. The response he got was as unexpected as it was faintly gratifying. "Reynolds."

Sheldon couldn't believe what he had heard. He had to be sure. "Justify."

Xander smirked slightly, but quickly did as he was asked. "Kirk is too trigger-happy, and Picard is too preachy and gun-shy. Reynolds will fight when he needs to and negotiate when it's appropriate. He's also a man who does what needs doing and makes no apologies for doing so."

Sheldon couldn't believe it: a Firefly fan. It was too much to hope for, but he certainly wasn't going to question the universe when t shifted to suit his purpose. "You have passed the second barrier to roommate-hood. If you provide me with an e-mail address where you can be reached, I will get back to you as soon as I'm finished with my background check. Assuming you check out, then we can go over and sign the roommate agreement." 'Oh yes… This is a good day indeed.'

I also don't own Star Trek or Firefly... More's the pity.

Jasper