Dear Karen,
Have you ever had a problem? By problem, I don't mean an obstacle, or a stumbling block, or just something that is in your way. All of those things, they get between you and where you want to go. A problem is something that confuses; it has to be figured out. An obstacle can be avoided or destroyed, but a problem demands your attention. It cannot merely be ignored, or sidestepped, it has to be puzzled over, it has to be worked out, it has to be solved. An obstacle can inconvenience you; I've had so many obstacles in my life. My blindness was an obstacle that I overcame; my father dying was a stumbling block that I eventually came to peace with. Even Fisk, after we figured out what he was doing, was an obstacle that I broke through, literally. But problems, they can't be punched out or avoided; they are just there, mockingly silent and ever present. Obstacles can hurt, but problems keep you up at night. I dread problems.
But that Is exactly what I had, a problem. My date with you was coming up, just twenty short hours until I could pick you up and make my dreams come true. But something ugly and wrong had slipped into our paradise Karen. What was I supposed to do? We were so happy, we were finally happy. We were getting on with our lives, moving forward, just like I promised you we would, together. But then, word hits the underworld that a blonde woman killed Wesley, Fisks confidant and right hand man. I wanted to believe it was just a coincidence, but I knew better.
I was nervous enough; I hadn't dated in a while. I wanted everything to go perfectly, I wanted you to be happy. How are you supposed to ask the woman that you care so much about if she killed someone? The idea alone terrified me.
There are times to get advice, and there are times to rely on your own instincts and feelings. I wanted to call Foggy, to tell him what was going on, to ask him what I should do. I wanted to go to confession; I wanted to talk to Father Lantom. I held my phone in my hand, contemplating calling Claire, maybe getting a woman's point of view on the subject, and a woman that is used to being wrapped up in the Daredevil world too. But what good would it really do? All it would do would worry Foggy, and God knows he's already worried about too much. Father Lantom would be a good idea, but I know what he would say. The truth sets us free after all. Even though it made sense, I couldn't go to church. I couldn't walk out the door. I could have called Claire, looking back; I probably should have called Claire. But, things were different with her now. She had recently started helping other people like me; one in particular was taking up a lot of her time, Luke Cage. I could feel she didn't feel as comfortable around me anymore, I had meant to ask her why, but I didn't get the chance. Besides, I had tried to kiss her, I had been hot and cold with her, asking her for relationship advice didn't seem right. No, like so many other times, I had to figure this out for myself.
I went about my day as usual, or at least tried to. There are a few things I have learned from an early age that it takes a lifetime for others to learn. If you don't face your problems, they are never going to go away. That's just the way the world works. If you ignore them, you're only fooling yourself. Ignoring a problem is just giving yourself some time to make yourself feel better, when you could just try and figure out how to solve the problem in the time you spent trying to trick yourself into believing the problem is now gone. I worked out, I showered, I made myself some lunch. Through it all, I couldn't think of how to approach you about this. How do you ask someone if they have killed someone? It was ridiculous.
Finally, the hour came. I dressed in the suit that Foggy had helped me pick out, and I even wore cologne. I hate cologne, I can smell it for days after I try and wash it off, and it's overpowering. But for you, I would have bought a plane ticket to Paris just to get the newest brand. I still didn't have a plan, I didn't know what to do, but then as happens so often when I'm lost, my Dad came to me.
He used to tell me about boxing all the time, I already told you that. But, sometimes I think he used boxing to teach me lessons. All he knew was the ring, getting punched and punching back, so he taught me his best how to be a man the only way he knew how. He told me once, he said, "Matty, sometimes stepping into the ring is the scariest thing you can do. Sometimes, you just don't have a strategy to beat the other guy. That doesn't mean you don't go in the ring though, you go in there and you fight the best you can. Some of my best fights I had no game plan going in, I just went out there and boxed. You understand what I'm saying?" I told him yes at the time. I thought it was just another boxing story. But now, almost twenty years later, I finally understood what he meant. So, I smiled, knowing old Battlin' Jack was still looking out for his boy, even on a date, and stepped out the door.
The way over to your apartment, I was a nervous wreck. I climbed the stairs to your room and I felt more trepidation in knocking on your door than I do kicking in the door to a room full of criminals. Then you opened the door, and I thought my heart had burst. You were even more beautiful than you usually were Karen. Your hair was draped over one side of your shoulder, a beautiful waterfall of silver and gold. You wore a dress, when I felt it I knew it was black, the perfect counterbalance to how light you made everything around you. It was right then, that I knew it. I found love standing in your doorway Karen. I found you. I found you when I didn't deserve you. I found you when it wasn't supposed to be; right in front of me.
I'm stopping now Karen. It's too much almost to write a letter about the day before our first date and then the date itself. Too many memories, too many emotions. Honestly, as I write this, I'm crying. I know this letter is short, but I promise I'll make it up to you. I didn't think I could write much to you tonight, but I wanted to. I almost felt like I had to. I love you so much Karen, I wish you could understand that. I don't always say it, but I can only do what I do, and be who I am, because of you. The names Jack Murdock, Stick, and Fisk are what pushed me to be the man in the mask. But it was you Karen, who taught me that I could be more; that I could aspire to do more. You taught me I could be more than a vigilante in a mask, that I could be a hero. I became a vigilante because of Jack Murdock, Stick, Fisk, but I became Daredevil because of Karen Page.
Love,
Matt