I must mention my fabulous beta Sixty-four K again! The only reason this story is so fabulous is because of her!
Erestor: I order you to go read all of her stories, including the Galion Angst ones, the drabble challenge she's starting, and the one she's co-authoring with Pip the Dark Lord of All, who as you should know, horrifically inspired this story. Do it, then review, or I'll punch you.
Ah...thank you, Erestor. That about sums it up. Read on!
Darting through the forest in his heavy black Nazgûl cloak, Erestor came upon a funny little man singing a jolly tune in the forest. When Erestor saw him, he gasped and pulled out a massive notebook.
"Wait! I must learn more about you!"
"Okay!" said the funny little man, smiling cheerily beneath his odd hat.
"I MUST LEARN MORE ABOUT –" Erestor suddenly stopped and frowned at the funny little man. "Tom?"
There was glitter all over Tom Bombadil, the most curious creature Erestor had ever heard about.
Tom was once Erestor's hero, but no more!
Erestor punched him in the face and stalked angstily away, throwing his big book of Tom Info into the bushes. A few minutes later, he found a bunch of rocks that had glitter all over them, and he picked them up and flung them into this mysterious black and purple swirly hole – obviously a teleporting circle used by one of the Valar – that was floating a little ways away.
He was very angry.
Suddenly this most odd thing came whooshing out of the teleporting circle and looked around until he saw Erestor.
"Ah!" said the most odd thing, flinging his arms around cheerfully. He was clad in terribly horrible neon clothes, flashing so brightly that they would burn any puny mortal's eyes right out of his puny mortal eye sockets.
The most odd thing was covered in glitter.
"Noooo!" wailed Erestor. He couldn't believe Glorfindel had managed to traumatize Erestor's only other hero – Lord Námo, aka Mandos, Lord of the Dead, Doomsman of the Valar, the Valar of Death, etc., etc., etc!
"Oh, don't be so sad!" said Námo cheerfully. "Come give us a big hug!" He waved his arms smilingly and Erestor almost passed out at the sheer horror of it.
Then he punched Námo in the face and jumped through the teleporting circle.
Námo's wife was sitting just inside, stringing up a tapestry on the wall – one that showed Glorfindel sitting next to three silver-haired elves in Lothlórien. "Ah," she said, not even looking back at Erestor. "I see that you have made it, finally!"
Erestor hesitated, seeing the pink glitter that almost covered her. He had a few morals about punching females, and especially Valier that looked totally innocent and helpless. But this was for the better good! Who could survive with these traumatizing experiences!
Erestor punched her in the face and dashed away. She screamed something behind him and started shredding random stuff, realizing in her traumatization that she had woven something horrible.
Erestor found lots of people with glitter in this place – it was apparently the Halls of Mandos, though it was nothing like he had hoped. There were neon things everywhere, disgustingly nice graffiti (graffiti isn't supposed to look nice!), and worst of all, GLITTER. FLIPPIN' PINK GLITTER WAS EVERYWHERE.
Erestor punched everyone.
He found a few people that had more glitter than others, like Turgon, who giggled in delight after Erestor punched him; Fëanor, who sniffled in happiness when Erestor broke his nose; Finrod, who was covered in glitter and just looked rather annoyed when Erestor punched him; Maedhros and Fingon, who both just shrugged and kept spray-painting a wall after Erestor double-decked them; Ecthelion, who stared at him in horror while blood spilled onto his neon clothes (which promptly turned grey and gloomy when he was punched); and when this random super-tall Vala with glimmering white hair - aka Irmo, Lórien, Vala of Dreams, brother of Námo, most annoying bothersome Vala ever, etc., etc., etc. appeared, Erestor punched him as well.
Irmo screamed, then vanished. Satisfied that the Halls of Mandos were now free of traumatization, Erestor jumped into another teleporting circle that he saw.
He came out in Lothlórien and looked around. Someone pointed an arrow at him, and he punched them, then followed the glitter trail to Caras Galadhon.
First he punched Celeborn, then a group of random archers that lay on the ground. After that, he found Galadriel preening in her mirror, and gasped in shock at the glitter that sprinkled all around her. He had never thought she would succumb to the traumatizing hugs!
Erestor raised a fist to punch her.
Galadriel's head snapped up and she went negative color (see tag: BotFA – Rescue of Mithrandir and Scaring Off Sauron), her hair turning black and her eyes going creepy. "Do not dare touch me," she said in a terrifying voice.
Erestor paused, considering.
Galadriel flung her arms out. "Go back to the Void from whence ye –"
Erestor punched her in the face.
Galadriel turned normal color and fell over.
Erestor saw the glitter trail leading away and he quickly followed it. Suddenly, he had the most urgent need to check the security cameras that he had put all over Imladris.
He pulled out his phone and checked the security cameras.
Suddenly, he gasped in horror and shock! There was something terrible happening – something worse than any trauma that Glorfindel was causing! This was – it was awful!
Erestor quickly dialed Glorfindel (he was under 'Annoying Blond Flitter-Bug' in his Contact list). As soon as Glorfindel answered, Erestor shrieked into the phone – and possibly secretly hoping to burst Glorfindel's eardrums, "Glorfindel! You have to come back now! Elladan and Elrohir have discovered the secret!"
"What secret?" said Glorfindel.
"What secret?" said some echo in the background.
"THE SECRET," Erestor howled, panicking as he saw the video feed being played to him right now.
"Ohh," said Glorfindel over the phone. "The Secret! I'll be right there!"
"Good!" said Erestor, but Glorfindel had already hung up.
Then Erestor threw the phone over his shoulder, rubbed his hands together and dashed after the glitter trail again.
Almost to Imladris, he found three silver-haired elves running after the distant form of Glorfindel – and seeing that they had glitter all over their clothes and hair, he punched them all in the face and barely made it back to Imladris before Glorfindel did.
His phone, humming creepily and dramatic-theme-musically on the forest floor, showed a live recording of Elladan and Elrohir opening the door to Glorfindel's closet.
*sobs angstily* This is the last chapter! Erestor is very...(I can't say happy because it's not possible for Erestor to be happy in this story with so much traumatization going around)...but he's pleased and honored that so many people have reviewed! Make him even more pleased and honored by reviewing just once more!
And if you want to find out just what the Secret is, the next installment in this 'series' will be coming out soon! It's going to be called...*pauses for dramatic effect*... Skeletons in the Literal Closet! Be patient (like someone, I think) and wait for it!