Author's note: This chapter requires a major trigger warning for self-harm and suicide. Please don't read if it will affect you negatively. I wrote this chapter because sometimes, even if you have the best support, circumstances are such that you end up giving in to temptation. How you deal with that and how the people around you deal with that is important to explore. As I'm sure you can imagine, Holly is the best.
Several weeks later, Gail was sitting on Holly's bed, watching her girlfriend pack a bag.
"Ok, I think that's everything." Holly sighed. She hated packing. Too many decisions to have to make in advance.
"What no flannel? Are you sure you're a lesbian?" Gail deadpanned.
Holly rolled her eyes. "Seeing as this is a work conference, flannel isn't exactly appropriate. And I would think what we did this morning would leave no doubt about my sexual orientation."
Gail blushed, but quickly recovered. "Well tonight I better suck on your neck so all the other nerds will know that you're taken." She made her way across the bed and perched on her knees, pulling Holly to her by her waist.
Holly put her hands on her girlfriend's shoulders. "I only have eyes for you, Officer Peck." She leaned in for a quick kiss. "So what are you going to do while I'm gone? Have you made plans with anyone?"
Gail shrugged. "Meh. I'll probably just hang out at home. Clean my place, maybe read that book you've been nagging me about."
A look of concern crossed Holly's face and Gail noticed. "What?" The blonde asked skeptically.
Holly realized her face was giving away her thoughts and tried to cover with a smile. "Oh nothing."
Gail shook her head. "Nope. I already caught you so just give it up."
Holly's shoulders sagged. "Ugh. Why am I dating a cop?" She huffed. "It's not a big deal. I just feel a little nervous about leaving."
"Why? You love nerd gatherings." Gail said, feeling a little perplexed.
Holly bit her lip timidly. "Promise you won't get mad when I tell you?"
Gail sighed and squeezed Holly's hips. "Lunchbox. Just tell me. I promise I won't freak out."
Holly started talking rapidly and gesturing with her hands. "Ok so I just feel nervous about you spending that much time alone. I know you're a grown up and you don't need me to mother you, but you told me that you feel more tempted to cut when you're alone. And I know you have to be alone sometimes and that a lot of the time you are perfectly fine when you're alone, but usually I'm just a phone call away. And maybe I shouldn't be worrying about this at all because you're an adult and you can take care of yourself…"
Gail interrupted her. "Holly! Breathe."
Holly sucked in a breath and then let it out slowly, taking the time to compose herself. "Sorry, I just don't want you to think that I think you're weak or you can't take care of yourself or that just because I'm gone, I think you won't be ok."
Gail ran her hands up and down Holly's sides. "Hey, it's ok. I understand why you're worried. I mean cutting is something I struggle with, but you're my girlfriend so it affects you too. I don't know what it feels like to be on your side of it so I'm not going to get mad about you being concerned that I'll be alone."
Holly sighed as a wave of relief washed over her. "I just really love you and hate the thought that if you needed someone, I wouldn't be there."
"Lunchbox, you are always there for me. Even if you're across the country, I know that if I really needed you to come back, you would in a heartbeat."
"I would. I really would." Holly nodded sincerely.
"But I've been doing really well lately. I don't think a few days alone is going to send me into a spiral. Even when I'm alone, I'm not really alone cause I have you. And we'll talk and text. You'll know what's going on so try not to worry."
Holly gripped Gail's shoulders and shook them slightly. "Ok. Just call me if you need me. If I can't answer, I'll call you back as soon as I can."
"I will. I promise." Gail pulled Holly in for a hug
Holly had been out of town for two days and would be gone for two more. Gail missed her girlfriend, but so far, she had enjoyed having some extra time to take care of random things like cleaning her apartment and renewing her passport. Not that she couldn't do those things with Holly around, but she hated to squander time she could be spending with her girlfriend on menial life tasks.
Gail and Dov were out on patrol and so far it had been a fairly quiet day. A few speeding tickets and a report of a suspicious vehicle that had disappeared by the time they arrived. As they pulled up to the address of their latest call, a wellness check, Gail pondered what delicious food she would eat for dinner. She was taking full advantage of the fact that her more health conscious girlfriend was not around, allowing Gail to eat anything and everything she wanted. She had decided she deserved a splurge.
"What was the report on this one?" She asked as she walked up the sidewalk to the house.
"Twenty-five year old female. No show to work for two days." Dov replied.
Gail nodded as they approached the door and knocked. When there was no answer, they tried again. "Police. Is anyone home?" Still no response.
"I'll check the back." Gail said. She walked around the house and into the backyard. When she approached the back door, she noticed that it was slightly ajar. Before entering, she spoke into her radio. "Dov, back door is open." She drew her gun as she waited for Dov to join her. When he arrived, she signaled that she would take the lead. On a silent count of three, they moved into the house. Dov cleared the kitchen while Gail moved into the adjacent bedroom. So far nothing seemed amiss. Gail checked the closet and then moved toward the ensuite bathroom. As soon as she reached the threshold, she saw the blood. Stunned by the sight before her, Gail gulped and worked to control her breathing. Her eyes were trained on the woman's wrists, but she did not move further into the bathroom, her training to protect the scene breaking through her shock. Trying to recover, she turned around, took a deep breath and yelled out a bit shakily, "Dov. In here."
Thirty minutes later, detectives and forensics arrived. Dov and Gail gave their statements, but Gail said little else and didn't interact with any of the other cops present. She stood outside, leaning up against the squad car, staring at the ground. The image of the woman played over and over in her mind. She couldn't stop seeing the cuts and she rubbed her hands together as she imagined what it must have felt like. Dov made his way down the sidewalk and she startled when he spoke.
"We're cleared to leave. Ready to get out of here?" He asked.
Barely breaking free from her thoughts, she hummed and opened the door to get inside. The ride back was quiet, even Dov seemed to have been affected by their discovery. When they got back to the station, Gail went directly to the locker room. She sat down on a bench and pulled out her phone to text Holly.
Cop: Can you call me when you get this? I need to talk to you.
Gail changed out of her uniform and went directly to her car, moving quickly so as to avoid having to talk to anyone on her way out of the station. She drove to her apartment in silence, not bothering to turn on the radio. She wouldn't remember the drive later, her mind was too occupied to focus on anything but the memory of the blood and her growing desire.
When she arrived at her apartment, she dropped all of her stuff by the door and walked over to the couch. She sat down and stared at the coffee table for a few minutes before finally pulling out her phone. With shaky hands, she hit the speed dial for Holly. The call went straight to voicemail.
"Holly. I need you to call me back. Please. As soon as you get this. It's really important. Today I…just call me back." She knew her voice sounded pained and that Holly would likely panic when she heard the message, but she was passed the point of being able to put on a brave front.
Ten minutes later, Gail was starting to get desperate. She felt like the urge was slowly filling her up, taking up each nook and cranny in her mind. She was nearing the point that she didn't want to resist the temptation anymore and didn't see a reason to. She grabbed her phone and called Holly again, reaching her voicemail a second time.
"Holly. Please. Call me. I need you to call me. It's an emergency." Gail was starting to doubt that Holly wanted to talk to her. She was having a hard time not believing that Holly was glad to be away from Gail and her dark thoughts, her strange temptations. Holly had told her that she wanted to help, that it wasn't a burden to her. But why wasn't she answering and why hadn't she called her back? Gail tried to think logically. Holly was at a conference. She could be in a lecture where she'd need to turn her phone off. Maybe she was in a room that didn't get good reception. As much as she wanted to believe these innocent explanations, her current state of mind was causing her doubts to win out.
Why wouldn't Holly want a break from her? Her struggles were weird and intense. Holly was probably happy to have an excuse to not have to deal with her and her darkness. And even if those things weren't true, Gail was alone right now. And she really wanted to feel something sharp break her skin. She wanted to feel the pain and let it saturate her mind, easing the overwhelming temptation, even if just for a minute.
Gail stood from the couch and walked into the kitchen. She opened a drawer and pulled out a pair of scissors. Without another seconds thought, she drew the sharp edge across her skin. She felt the momentary release, her mind stilling for a few precious seconds. But shortly after, she looked down at the cut and the blood and felt the familiar shame wash over her. Before today, she had been able to resist cutting for the longest stretch of time since she had first started. But now she was back to square one. She thought about Holly and closed her eyes. What would her girlfriend think? She would be so disappointed in Gail's weakness. And she would probably be freaked out. It was one thing to deal with the concept of cutting and a whole different thing to deal with the reality.
Gail threw the scissors across the room angrily. She hated herself. Bringing her hands to her head, she ran them through her hair in frustration. Not bothering to tend to the cut on her hand, she paced back and forth behind the couch before walking around and sitting down. Tears began to run down her face as the realization of what she had done hit her full force. She cried until exhaustion took over and then she lay on the couch and fell asleep.
Several hours later, Gail woke to the sound of her phone ringing. She picked it up off the coffee table and saw her girlfriend's face on the screen. She nearly answered it until she was reminded of her earlier weakness by the cut on her hand. She felt too embarrassed to admit to Holly what she had done so she let the call go to voicemail. She noticed she had missed several text messages and had seven other missed calls from Holly. Her phone dinged with the sound of a new voicemail and when she opened the menu, she noticed she had two others. She had been asleep for almost three hours and had slept through all of the previous calls and texts. She knew she should call Holly back, but she also knew she would have to tell Holly what had happened and she wasn't sure she was ready for that. Instead, she pushed the button to listen to the voicemails, one after the other.
"Gail, I just got your messages. I'm sorry I couldn't answer. The area of the conference center we were in didn't have any reception. But I'm on a break for about an hour so call me back, ok? I don't know what happened but I love you."
"Gail, I haven't heard from you and I'm starting to worry. You sounded really upset in your messages and I'm not sure why you're not answering. I'm keeping my phone on and will leave the next lecture when you call so call me back. I really want to hear from you ok? Please call me back. I love you."
"Ok Gail, I don't know what happened, but it's been hours and I haven't heard from you. I am freaking out. I called the station to see if you were there, but they said you left hours ago. You have to call me back now. If you don't call me back in ten minutes, I'm going to call Steve or Oliver and make them go to your apartment. I'm not joking, Gail. I am really worried. Call. Me. Back. I love you."
Gail felt guilty. The messages she had left for Holly in combination with her subsequent silence had sent her girlfriend into a tailspin. She didn't doubt that if she failed to call her back in the next few minutes, Holly would call her brother or Oliver in a panic. The last thing she needed was for one of them to show up with questions. She took a deep breath and pressed the button to call her girlfriend. Holly picked up before the first ring even finished.
"Gail? Are you ok?" Holly said frantically.
"Yeah, I'm ok." Gail said quietly.
Holly, who had moved back to her room after the third unanswered call from Gail, sat down on the bed, feeling lightheaded from the relief. "Oh my god. Where have you been? Why didn't you answer? I was worried out of my mind." Gail could tell from Holly's nasally voice that she had been crying.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry you were worried. I fell asleep and I just woke up." Gail replied. She felt terrible for causing Holly so much angst.
Having imagined the many things that could have possibly happened, Holly was angry that it was something as simple as Gail falling asleep. "You fell asleep? You left me two of the most terrifying voice messages I have ever received in my life and then you fell asleep?"
Gail winced. She couldn't blame Holly for being upset. If their places had been reversed, Gail would be livid. "I'm really sorry. I sort of had a break down and then I crashed on the couch."
"Gail, what happened?" Holly asked tensely.
For a split second, she thought about lying to Holly. But she knew that even if Holly bought a fake story, as soon as her girlfriend got home, she'd notice the cut on Gail's hand. Not to mention she would feel terrible for keeping something from Holly. The truth was the only option and she might as well get it over with so she could face the consequences. "Um…I…something happened at work today."
A new surge of panic gripped Holly's chest. "Are you hurt? Please tell me you aren't calling me from the hospital."
"No, I didn't get hurt…at work." If Holly noticed the distinction that Gail had made, she didn't indicate it. "Um, we responded to a call, a wellness check. The back door was open and when we went inside we found the woman in the bathtub. She had…she killed herself."
Oh god. Holly's blood ran cold and her heartbeat sped up. She had a feeling she knew where this was going. She hoped she was wrong. "Oh Gail. That's awful."
Gail rushed to finish the story. She needed to get it out before she lost the courage. "She…um…her wrists. She cut them. And I kind of lost it. I couldn't stop thinking about it so I called you because I was feeling really tempted. Like at a ten." She paused to prepare for the next part.
Holly's heart sank and she brought her hand up to rub her forehead. She hated that she hadn't answered when Gail called, when she needed her. "Honey, I'm so sorry I didn't answer. I hate that you were alone."
"It's ok. It wasn't your fault." All of Gail's earlier doubts about Holly wanting to avoid her had drifted away as soon as she had heard Holly's panic on those voicemails.
"Did you…Gail, did something happen when you got home?" Holly knew there was more to the story than Gail being tempted and then crying herself to sleep.
"Yeah." Gail choked out, tears starting to fill her eyes again.
Holly's heart broke another time. She was fairly certain she knew what had happened, but she needed to hear Gail say it. "You can tell me, love."
Gail sobbed a little at the term of endearment. She couldn't believe she was going to say this out loud. "I, um…I couldn't stop thinking about her wrists and what it must have felt like…and…I couldn't…I cut myself." The final admission was only a trembling whisper.
Holly closed her eyes and felt tears slip down her cheeks. Her heart was heavy. She hated that Gail had hurt herself and that she hadn't been there to talk to Gail when she so desperately needed someone. She felt terribly sad and didn't know what to say. "Oh, honey."
Gail wiped her face and shook her head. "It's ok if you're freaked out and don't want to see me anymore."
Holly was truly taken aback by this. "What? Gail, I'm not going to break up with you because you cut yourself. I love you. And I'm not freaked out, at least not in the way that would make me want to leave. I really hate that you hurt yourself and I'm worried about you, but I'm not going to leave you."
"I just…I let you down." She said quietly.
"Sweetheart. You did not let me down. I am not disappointed in you. I know it must have been very difficult to see that woman like that. I just hate that you were alone." Holly cried a little more.
"I should have waited for you to call me back. I should have been stronger." Gail said emphatically.
"Gail, please don't beat yourself up. You did the best you could." The distance between them was making Holly crazy. All she wanted was to be able to give Gail a hug. "Did you…how bad is the cut?"
Gail looked down at her hand. "Not bad. It already stopped bleeding."
Holly closed her eyes at the mention of blood. She tried not to focus on that image. "I'm so sorry I didn't answer when you called. How are you doing now? Do you still want to cut?"
Gail's response was soft and sad. "I'm...I don't really know what to say. I feel really ashamed and embarrassed."
"Sweetie, I'm not going to tell you not to feel what you feel, but as far as I'm concerned, you don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed. I know that you hate that you gave in to temptation, but you tried to reach out. And what happened, happened. We can't change it. But I'm here for you and I want to help. Just tell me what you need."
"I wish you were here." Gail immediately hated herself for saying it. Holly already felt bad enough without Gail adding to it.
"You have no idea how badly I wish I were with you right now. If you need me to come back, I will change my flight right now." Holly said with sincerity.
Dismissing the idea, Gail answered, "You don't need to do that. That would probably cost a lot of money. I'll be fine."
Not feeling convinced, Holly again asked the question that Gail had avoided. "Do you want to cut yourself again?"
"I don't want to answer that question." Gail said, suddenly feeling protective of her own dark thoughts.
"I need you to answer, Gail. What's the number?" She wasn't going to give in on this one.
"If I tell you that, you're going to want to come home and then I'm going to feel even more guilty about messing up your trip."
"Sweetheart, you aren't messing anything up. But if you don't tell me, I'm definitely going to book a flight home." Holly felt a strange mixture of heartbreak and frustration.
Knowing that Holly wasn't bluffing, Gail sighed. "Seven."
That was way too high for Holly's liking. "Ok. I really don't want you to cut yourself again. What can I do? If we talk for a while will that help? Do you need to tell me about seeing that woman or what you felt when you cut yourself? Do you want me to call someone to come over and hang out with you?" She was desperate to find a solution.
"I honestly don't know. This is a new situation for me. I don't know how to stop seeing that woman's wrists." Gail hated admitting it, but she was resigned to the fact that Holly wasn't going to relent.
A new thought crossed Holly's mind that made her freeze in fear. "Where did you cut yourself? You're not thinking about doing what that woman did are you?"
"I cut myself on my hand. And if you're asking if I want to kill myself, the answer is no. But I can't lie and say that part of me isn't thinking about what it would feel like to cut myself there." She cringed. Hearing it out loud made it sound crazy.
Holly felt like her chest was being crushed with the weight of the terror she felt. She replied shakily, "That's really scary, honey."
Gail winced. The last thing she wanted was to scare Holly. "I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about this. I'll be ok. You probably have somewhere you have to be anyway."
"There is no way we are getting off the phone so don't even think about it. And you don't need to apologize. I want you to tell me what you're really thinking and feeling. I just have to be honest that the idea of you cutting your wrists, even if you aren't thinking about killing yourself, really terrifies me." Holly said tensely.
"I know this is going to sound really dumb, but why? Why does me cutting myself on my hand not worry you as much as me cutting myself on my wrist?" Gail asked.
Holly paused for a moment while she formulated a response. "Because even though I believe you when you say you aren't having suicidal thoughts, I'm scared that if you cut yourself on your wrist, it could escalate or that you could accidentally cut too deep. To be clear, I don't want you to cut anywhere at all. All of it worries me. But the top of your hand...there is just a smaller chance of there being more serious results than just a cut."
"That makes sense. Holly, be honest, is this conversation freaking you out? It has to be freaking you out." Gail said worriedly.
Holly sighed. "It's uncomfortable to talk about. Because I don't want to think about you being hurt at all. And I don't know how to help you right now. And to be honest, it does freak me out to talk about suicide, not because I don't believe you that you aren't suicidal, but because putting you and suicide in the same sentence...it makes me feel like I can't breathe. I can't think about anything like that happening to you. There isn't a strong enough word to convey how terrible it is."
"That's not going to happen, Lunchbox. I know it's hard to understand when you aren't in it and you can't know my thoughts and feel what I'm feeling, but none of this is about me wanting to die. I'm not going to do that." Gail needed to make that point very clear.
"Do you promise? I know you didn't want to promise about cutting and I understand that and I won't make you promise you won't do that, but I need you to promise that you aren't thinking of doing anything more serious. I just need to hear you say it because it's really, really difficult to be so far away from you right now." Holly's voice was trembling with emotion.
"Yes. I promise I'm not going to do that. I can say that without any fear of breaking that promise. I'm not in that place like I was after Jerry died." Gail said firmly.
Holly let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. "Ok. I'm really glad to hear that. It makes me feel a little less panicky."
"I'm really sorry you were so worried, Holly. I didn't think I would sleep through your calls." Gail said sheepishly.
"It's ok. We're talking now. I just didn't know what to think. I didn't know if you got hurt at work or if someone else got hurt or if you were struggling with your thoughts. My imagination was running wild. And it didn't help that I'm so far away and can't just drive to your apartment to see that you're ok." Holly explained.
"I know. I'm sorry." Gail said again.
"It's really ok. You didn't do anything on purpose. But anyway, how are you feeling now?" Holly wasn't sure how they had gotten so off track. She needed to make sure Gail was not going to cut again.
"I'm ok. I feel a little better. I was really worried about how you would react when I told you." Gail admitted.
"I can understand why you were worried. But you have to know that I love you so very much and you aren't going to scare me away. I'm not afraid of you and I'm not weirded out by you. I am worried about you. But I will always be worried about you. Even if you didn't struggle with this. You're a cop and I'm a worrier. But I'm not going to leave you. I'm in this, Gail. For the long haul."
The sincerity of Holly's words made Gail tear up again. "I love you, Lunchbox. I don't know how I got so lucky."
"I love you too, sweetheart. And I feel just as lucky to be with you."
Gail took a moment to let that sink in and then jumped to a new topic. "Ok, so when is your next session?"
Holly was startled by the abrupt change in subject. She pulled the phone away from her ear to check the time and then said, "In an hour. It's the last session for the day. But Gail, I can skip it if you need to stay on the phone."
"No, you've already skipped enough. If I know you, you probably went back to your room and paced a hole in the carpet after about four missed calls."
Holly blushed. "Three. But that doesn't matter. I don't want to get off the phone if..."
Gail interrupted her. "We're not going to get off the phone right now. We're going to talk for a little while longer, you're going to tell me about the nerdy things you have learned and then when it's time for you to go to your session, I'm going to call Steve and ask him if he wants to have dinner or watch a movie or whatever. And if he's not available, I'll call Chris and Dov and see if they want to play video games. Because if I'm with people, I won't cut myself. And you will feel less worried if I'm not alone with my thoughts."
Holly dropped her head in relief. "Yeah. That will make me feel better. I wish I was there though. I want to be the one who is with you."
"I know. Me too. But just two more days." Gail said, trying to reassure her girlfriend.
"Yeah." A beat of silence passed. "So before we switch subjects, because I'm having trouble shifting gears, are you ok? Do we need to talk about anything else? Are you still feeling like you want to cut?" Holly couldn't just skip over everything that quickly. It was fairly normal for her girlfriend to go from a serious conversation to making jokes and usually Holly was ok with that. But this wasn't a conversation about Gail's mother or her job, it felt more serious than that and she needed to make sure Gail wasn't just sweeping everything under a rug to make her feel better.
"I'm better. Talking to you helped. I'm at about a four right now. We can talk about it more if you want, but I think I'm ok to move on." Gail answered truthfully.
"Ok so you're not just switching the subject to keep me from worrying?" Holly asked hesitantly.
"No. I mean, I don't like making you worry, but I know that's going to happen. I'm just ready to not think about everything that happened, but not in an avoidance way, in a moving-forward way."
"Ok. Then let's move forward. Just promise you'll call me if you need me again. I'm going to pay attention to my phone and if I don't have service, I'm going to sneak outside every 30 minutes to check my messages. And before you say I don't have to do that, I know I don't, but trust me when I say it's going to make me feel better. Otherwise I'll be antsy and I won't be able to concentrate."
"I will call you if I need you. I promise. And if something happens, I will try really hard to wait the 30 minutes until you can check your phone." Gail said.
Holly nodded, even though Gail couldn't see. "Ok good. I love you, Gail. So much."
"I love you too, Lunchbox. Now tell me about your nerd convention." Gail settled into the couch, feeling so grateful to have found someone who would support her through anything. She told herself she would do the same for Holly, even if it included highly technical science ramblings.