Gail was shuffling back and forth on her feet, fidgeting her thumbs as she waited. She was excited to see Holly again, but she was also nervous. It had only been four days since her girlfriend had left for the conference, but god, did she miss that nerd. She missed the bashful half smile she got when Gail said something sentimental. She missed the way she pointed out all the inaccuracies on any medical or crime-centered TV show. And she missed the sleepy, contented expression on her face right after they had sex. More than anything, she missed kissing and touching and sleeping next to her girlfriend.

But along with the longing, a certain anxious tension occupied her chest. She had told Holly about cutting herself and her girlfriend couldn't possibly have responded better. She made Gail feel safe and understood. And there was no judgment or disappointment. But it was one thing to talk about those things over the phone, when you couldn't see the fear or worry in someone's eyes. She wanted to believe that everything would be the same as it had been before Holly left – before Gail had cut herself – but she couldn't be sure. And so she fidgeted.

When passengers started passing through the revolving door, Gail held her breath, waiting to see that dark, wavy hair and those beautiful, nerdy glasses. She didn't have to wait too long before her girlfriend appeared through the glass, dragging her carry on behind her. The blonde exhaled loudly, the relief of having Holly home spreading through her limbs. Holly looked around the room and Gail held up her hand to try to catch her attention. When their eyes met, Gail knew things were going to be ok. Holly donned a crooked grin and her shoulders sank as if she had just shaken off the weight of the world. She walked faster toward Gail and when she reached her, she dropped the handle of her bag and threw her arms around her girlfriend. Gail reciprocated, pulling her in close and breathing in the scent of her shampoo.

"It's not right how much I missed you in just four days," Holly mumbled into Gail's shoulder.

"Same here, Lunchbox. Things didn't feel right," Gail replied honestly.

Holly pulled back and cupped Gail's cheek, smiling at her before she leaned in for an easy kiss. When she came up for air, she had tears shining in her eyes. "I might be a little clingy for a day or two."

Gail chuckled. "I hope you aren't planning on having any personal space because I'm going to be all up in your grill."

And there it was, that soft smile, the one that Gail had so desperately missed. The one that communicated how lucky she felt to be loved by that snarky, prickly, wonderful cop.

"Let's go home, honey."

Gail nodded her agreement, grabbed the handle of the bag with one hand and Holly's hand with the other. She had worn an oversized baseball tee so that the sleeves would hang over the majority of her hands, covering her cut. Not that that mattered at the current moment. She hadn't consciously chosen to stand on this side of her girlfriend, but it occurred to her that the hand Holly was holding was the uninjured one; the one she hadn't cut.

A tiny prickle of unease lodged itself in her stomach. She didn't know what to expect. She thought Holly would probably want to talk about what had happened, to see how Gail was feeling. But wasn't sure what to do about the cut on her hand. Not that she could do anything really, but should she take the initiative to show it Holly? Would she even want to look at it? Or would she rather talk about Gail's feelings, but not address the cutting specifically. There were too many unanswered questions. And as much as she trusted Holly, she was in uncharted territory. She had never told anyone about cutting before. She had never had to face the look in someone's eyes after she had done it.

The drive to Holly's house was quiet. Their hands were threaded together and rested on the center console for the entire ride. Gail used her injured hand to hold the steering wheel, being sure to pull the sleeve out and trapping it under her palm to keep it in place. Holly's head rested against the back of her seat, her eyes closed.

"Are you tired?" Gail asked after glanced over at her girlfriend.

"Mmm, yeah. Traveling always wears me out," Holly said, a hint of exhaustion tinging her voice.

"If you want to go right to bed, I can sleep at my place tonight." Gail said it to be thoughtful. Or perhaps to postpone the conversation she was dreading.

Holly turned her face toward Gail and opened her eyes as she squeezed the blonde's hand. "I haven't seen you in four days, honey. There's no way I'm letting you leave my side for the entire weekend. I was completely serious about being clingy." She smiled wearily and then closed her eyes. "Besides, I just need to shower and I'll feel better."

Gail grinned a little, happy to know that Holly had missed her just as much as she had. "Ok, well, I can order some food and have it ready by the time you're finished showering. Then we can put on a dumb movie and you can nod off whenever you want."

"I love everything about that plan except for the part where I shower alone," Holly said flatly.

Gail giggled. "You really did miss me, huh?"

"A truly pathetic amount," Holly admitted.

"I'm glad it wasn't just me who was miserable," Gail joked.

"I usually love those conferences. But it was weird sleeping in a bed alone and I just wanted you to be around," Holly said shyly.

"I know what you mean. I kept rolling over in the middle of the night to get warm, but you weren't there." Gail paused to think about what she had just said. "And whoever thought the bitchy ice queen would say that?"

Holly gripped Gail's hand a little tighter. "Hey, you're my bitchy ice queen. And everyone knows your prickly exterior is a front to conceal the ooey gooey center."

"Hey, don't spread that around, Lunchbox. You'll ruin my street cred."

Holly smirked. "Whatever you say, Officer."

When they got to Holly's house, Gail stayed downstairs to order some food while Holly took her bag upstairs. When she completed her task, the blonde bounced on her feet and lingered by the kitchen counter. Holly had told her to join her upstairs when she was finished, but Gail felt nervous about that now. Joining Holly for a shower meant she would have to take off her shirt, exposing her cut, in full view of her girlfriend. She knew she shouldn't care, that she should trust that Holly wouldn't judge her. And she did trust her. But the thought of showing her cut to someone sent unpleasant chills down her spine. It wasn't about Holly and how she might respond. It was about revealing another part of herself, putting her darkness on display.

But what was the alternative? Holly knew about the cut. They would have to talk about it eventually and so far the nerdy doctor hadn't acted any differently than normal. Cutting was a part of who Gail. And even though it may not always be something she acted on, it would always be part of her twisted story. She had to be ok with Holly knowing every chapter of that story if she wanted their relationship to last.

With that thought in her head, Gail gathered every ounce of courage she could and made her way upstairs. When she walked into Holly's bedroom, she found the brunette sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at something on her phone. She heard the blonde approaching and looked up. "Oh hey, I was just checking some work emails while I waited for you. You ready to get wet?" Holly donned a grin.

Gail stood a short distance from the bed, her thumbs fidgeting while still hooked over the sleeves of her shirt. "Uh yeah. Why don't you get in and I'll join you in a minute."

Holly could see the insecurity on her girlfriend's face. "Are you ok, honey?"

Gail unconsciously moved her hands behind her back and looked at the floor. "Yeah, I'm good."

Holly noticed Gail's movements and knew without a doubt that something was bothering the blonde. She stood from the bed and came to stand in front of her girlfriend, hands reaching out to grip Gail's waist. "Hey, it's just me, love. We tell each other stuff, right?" She moved her thumbs up and down Gail's sides in a soothing gesture.

Gail couldn't meet Holly's eyes. She knew she shouldn't, but she suddenly felt ashamed - of the cutting and the fear of exposure. She took a deep breath and forced herself to say something, to take a leap and hope Holly would be there to catch her. "I um, I'm nervous about taking my shirt off."

For a split second, Holly was confused, but then she remembered the way her girlfriend had moved her hands behind her back, where she still held them. The doctor didn't even stop to think about what her next move should be. She had to reassure Gail that nothing had changed.

Slowly she moved her hands from Gail's waist up to her shoulders. Not stopping there, she continued on a downward path until she could gently hold Gail's forearms. She squeezed the timid blonde's right arm before dropping it so she could lay her left palm in her own. The hands remained there as Holly reached up with her other hand to tenderly cup the blonde's cheek and turn her head so they were facing each other. Holly smiled softly and nodded, pure adoration in her eyes. When Gail did not protest, Holly slipped her hand back down and gripped the woman's sleeve, gently pulling it up to reveal Gail's hand.

Starting at the top of Gail's wrist, a two inch long, rust-colored cut shown on her skin. It had already begun to scab over and the skin around the cut was pink, standing out in sharp contrast to the milky white of her hand. Holly traced her fingers lightly around the cut and then moved them down to hold Gail's wrist.

Holding her breath, a tightness in her chest, Gail watched as Holly lowered her head to dust a kiss over the cut. When she lifted her head again, she gripped the pale fingers so as not to lose contact as she eased their joined hands down by their hips. Holly looked into Gail's wet eyes and smiled again. "I love you, Gail. I'm not going anywhere."

A tear slipped down her cheek as Gail nodded. She moved forward and placed her forehead on Holly's shoulder. The brunette wrapped her free hand around Gail's waist, still unwilling to let go of Gail's hand. They stood in an embrace for several minutes, both women crying softly. When Gail leaned away to wipe her face, Holly squeezed her fingers and whispered, "Come on, let's take a shower."

The tension in Gail's shoulders and chest slipped away as the women showered together. They touched and caressed and just felt the wonder of being in each other's arms again.

Few words were exchanged, during the shower or afterward while they ate dinner. Their conversation consisted mostly of whispered I love you's and shy I missed you's. But as soon as they had finished their meal, Gail felt the unease settle heavily in the pit of her stomach, making her really regret that second eggroll.

Despite Holly's tender display of acceptance before their shower, the actual conversation was still to follow. Gail was not looking forward to that. She believed that Holly loved her, that she wasn't going to leave because of the cutting, but the fact remained that Gail had cut herself and they were going to have to talk about it. Talking about the possibility of a dark and twisted thing was very different than facing the reality of that thing actually happening.

Gail hadn't just thought about it.

She had actually cut herself.

And while Holly told her that she didn't see cutting as dark and twisted, Gail did see it that way. She felt weird and broken and a little bit like a freak. Because who hurts herself in order to feel less pain? Who cuts flesh with the hope of easing an inner anguish?

She did.

She had.

And now they were going to have to talk about it.

Luckily for Gail, Holly was quite adept at reading the subtle changes in her girlfriend's body language. She had seen the tension settle back in after their relatively carefree shower - the lowering of her shoulders, the lack of eye contact, the tightening of her jaw. All signs that Gail was growing nervous again.

Holly was determined to do whatever she could to alleviate the angst. She reached across the table to place her hand on the blonde's arm. "Honey, you look a little tortured right now."

Startled out of her apprehensive thoughts, Gail's eyes darted over to see the loving look on Holly's face. She replied with some difficulty, "Yeah. Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop."

Holly sighed, "There's no other shoe, sweetheart. I'm here and I love you just the same and we don't have to talk about anything tonight if you don't want to. We can just relax and enjoy being together. Or if you want to talk, we can do that too. We can do whatever is going to make you feel safe."

Gail let out a breath and dropped her head into her free hand, her elbow propped on the table. "Ugh, I know I'm being a total spaz right now. You're being so great and not weird at all and I'm just sort of losing my shit because I've never had to talk about this before. It's always been a secret and even though I know you love me and you don't judge me, it's still hard, you know?"

Holly tucked a stray hair behind Gail's ear and then moved her hand down to rub her back. "I know, honey," after a beat of silence, "will it make you feel better if we just talk about it so you don't have to think about it anymore?"

Gail pondered that for a moment and then turned her face so she could look at Holly, her face screwed up with uncertainty. "The idea of that makes my skin crawl, so yes, let's do it."

Holly nodded her head in understanding and then stood from her chair, pulling Gail's hand so that she would follow. She sat down on the couch and tugged the hand so that the blonde sat next to her, their thighs touching.

Gail immediately turned her face away, her shame keeping her from looking Holly in the eye. "So, this is weird," Gail said shakily.

"Tell me why you feel weird, love." It wasn't that Holly didn't know, but she thought it might help Gail if she talked it out.

"Because I haven't ever talked to anyone about this before. I haven't ever had to admit it out loud and deal with the look on someone else's face. I'm just…I feel really ashamed."

Holly squeezed Gail's hand. "I know I can't take that feeling away, but sweetheart, I don't think you have anything to feel ashamed of."

Gail hung her head. "I gave in to temptation. If I had just waited for you to call me back…I couldn't even wait a few hours."

"You tried to reach out. You tried to resist. But honey, the fact that you cut yourself…it's not the most important thing about you. It's something you did to deal with something really difficult. But you do a lot of other things too. You go out onto the street every day and risk your life to keep people safe. You take care of me, you make me feel special and loved. When I'm having a bad day, you always go and get me that super expensive chocolate that I love. You get up first in the mornings to start the coffee because you know that I can't wake up without it. You clean out the drain in the bathtub because you know how much it creeps me out." Holly reached over and lifted Gail's chin so they were making eye contact. She smiled earnestly at her girlfriend. "All of those things matter just as much, Gail."

Taking a deep breath, Gail asked the next question weighing on her mind. "Tell me the truth, Holly. Did I freak you out?"

Holly sighed, "Honey, no. I wasn't freaked out. I was worried and sad because I wasn't here and I hated that I couldn't be here for you. But it didn't scare me. Not in that way."

"What way did it scare you?" Gail asked quickly.

Holly kicked herself for the wording that she had let slip. She didn't want Gail to think she was scared of her. "It was a little scary because I wasn't here. I just didn't like being so far away when you were so upset. Because I don't like it when you hurt yourself, not because I think that cutting is weird or creepy, but because I just don't want you hurt. I wanted to stay on the phone with you the entire time I was away, just so I could know how you were doing. But when we couldn't talk and I was worried, I just told myself that you are strong, the strongest person I know. That made me feel better."

Gail's eyes filled with tears. "I don't feel strong. If I were strong, I wouldn't have cut myself."

"You are strong. Because you called me, multiple times. And even though you cut yourself, you kept going. You told me about it and you picked up the pieces and did what you needed to do so you would be ok. And you only did it once. You wanted to do it again, but you didn't."

"I just…I feel so fucked up, Holly. I feel so broken. I mean, who cuts themselves to feel better?"

Holly put her hand on Gail's cheek and wrapped her other arm around her waist. "My love, you are beautiful. You are prickly and grumpy and thoughtful and loyal. And I don't care if you're a little broken. It's ok to be broken. You were kidnapped and shot at, you parents are assholes and your friends don't always stand up for you. You deserve to be a little broken. But I love all the broken bits just as much. I don't need you to be anything else. And the fact that you made it through all of that, it shows how very strong you are."

"I know all of that is true. Most of the time. But I just want to be normal, Holly," Gail said, the fierceness in her voice offset by the tears in her eyes. "I just don't want to have to struggle with this anymore. I don't want to be sad and I don't want to be tempted to cut. I don't want this to be my life anymore. I just want it to stop." She dropped her face in her hands, no longer able to face the world head on.

"I understand that, honey. And I really wish I could take it all away, make you feel better. But even though I can't fix it, I want you to know that you're not alone. I'm here with you and I'm not going anywhere. I don't need you to be normal." Holly wanted to say that Gail was normal, that depression and self-harm were far more common than anyone let on. But that wouldn't help. Because Gail didn't believe that she was normal and it would take a lot more than Holly's words to convince her otherwise.

Gail nodded, but didn't uncover her face.

Holly pressed on to the uncomfortable question niggling at the back of her mind, the one she knew needed to be asked, whether she was prepared for the answer or not. "Honey, you said that you want it to stop – can you tell me if you're thinking about hurting yourself, about ending your life?"

Gail didn't move and a silence followed that made Holly feel sick with dread. She wanted to fill that silence, to ramble on a little more or give Gail an out, maybe even give herself an out. But instead she waited. The answer would come. She could wait. She needed to wait.

Finally Gail lifted her head and stared straight ahead at the coffee table. "As much as I want the sad feeling to go away, I don't want to be dead. I don't want to kill myself and I'm not thinking about doing that. I know that's not the answer."

Holly's shoulders dropped in relief. She reached over and took Gail's hand. "I'm really glad to hear that, sweetheart. But you know that if you were ever thinking about that, you could tell me, right? I would want you to tell me."

Gail turned briefly to look at Holly, flashing a sincere, if pained, smile before settling her eyes on the table again. "Yeah, I know, Lunchbox. Thank you."

Holly ran her thumb over the back of Gail's hand. "I know we can't fix it right now and that it may never be fixed, but is there something I can do to help? Is there something you want to do that I can help you with or just hold your hand while you do it? It's ok if the answer to both is no or you don't know. I can just be here with you, if that's what you need."

Gail turned back toward Holly, unadulterated affection in her eyes. "You being here helps. It really does. There are some things I think I should try, to see if they will help, even if I'm not sure they will. But I need to tell you that I don't know if this will ever be significantly different. I don't know if I will ever completely be free of the cutting or the sadness. It might always be this way, Holly."

And Holly heard in her words the question that Gail wasn't brave enough to ask out loud. Can you love me if I'm always like this, if it never gets better? The fear and hope in the watery blue eyes broke Holly's heart.

And so she answered the lingering question the only way she knew how. "I know, honey. I love you and I'm here. I'm going to be here. We're in this together."

A single tear escaped onto Gail's cheek and she breathed an audible sigh of relief as she nodded her head. She wiped the tear away and leaned forward, her head coming to rest on her girlfriend's chest. Holly wrapped her up and held her tight, trying to communicate just one thing. You're not alone. I love you and you're not alone.