"Fight me." Toph tapped her fingers on Zuko's arm, a gesture invisible to the guests at the incredibly formal feast the day before their wedding. He ignored her, as if that would stop her from poking him in the side beneath the table. "Fight me. Fight me. Fight me."

"We're not leaving the banquet to fight." His voice was perfectly calm, but she could feel the mixture of anger and amusement that radiated from him like heat.

Toph lifted a broad, flat soup spoon to her lips, blowing delicately to cool the broth. "Because you're a candy-ass," she said sweetly, before drinking it.

"I'm not a…no," he frowned. She smiled demurely, a gesture that would look sweet from a distance, but was fueled by triumph. His cool, collected, very fake demeanor was slipping.

They had to eat an eight-course meal on a pedestal in front of everyone, and then talk to people all night, and Toph was done, completely done. It had taken five hours to make her hair and clothes presentable, apparently, and they were uncomfortable and annoying. Both Fire Nation and Earth Kingdom wedding traditions were elaborate, stuffy, and time-consuming, and blending them was a fresh kind of hell.

Worse, they'd have to do this again with slightly different traditions the next night, Iroh and Aang presiding over the celebrations, and then bla bla bla politics bla bla unity bla bla. She'd fucking had it.

"Fight me."

"Weddings are the most boring Fire Nation tradition," he said quietly, reaching for her hand beneath the table. "It won't be like this often. Even if you choose to attend every single council meeting with me, everything will be much less formal."

She laced her fingers with his, waited to feel him relax, then poked his thumb with hers. "One, two, three, four," she whispered. "I declare a thumb war."

"I can't believe this."

"Fight me."

"I'm not thumb wrestling you at our wedding dinner, Toph." She could feel him getting irritated again, but also biting the insides of his cheeks. That was just the way she liked to keep him, seething and laughing. "And I'm not going to fight you."

She raised her teacup and feigned drinking to shield her mouth from onlookers. "So you're afraid I'd win, shitknuckles?"

He made a strangled sound to avoid laughing; luckily no one was close enough to hear. "Don't call me that."

"Make me stop, you freshly-picked pansy of a man."

She felt his weight shift slowly as he looked around. "There is no way I can get us out of this, Toph. We're literally on a stage. Half the room is watching us at any given time."

She flipped open a decorative fan, which conveniently hid her mouth from sight as she pretended to cool herself off. "Why the fuck are they doing that when they know we're not going to do anything interesting?"

"You're a maverick earthbender who saved the city by raising it a thousand feet into the air, and I'm the Firelord who gave away our colonies and disbanded half our military. It's rumored to be a love match but no one knows for sure Wouldn't you stare?"

"I don't know, Sparky. Do you think I'd stare? Me, the blind girl?"

"Oh, right. Sorry."

Toph fought the urge to roll her eyes and laugh. "If you don't want to fight me, wanna play circles?"

She could feel the apprehension that must be showing on his face. "What's that?"

"You make a circle with your fingers, and if you trick the other person into looking through it you get to punch them."

"That's…" He was obviously biting the insides of his cheeks again, struggling to maintain his dignified image. "That's so you."

"It is, isn't it?" She smiled complacently. "I mean, I guess if there's no other option, I could always challenge you to an agni kai."

"You can't firebend."

"So?" She shrugged. "You firebend, I earthbend, we see what happens. Fight me."

"Toph." She could hear the desperation in his voice as he fought down a bout of laughter. "Please."

It took two and a half more hours for the rest of the courses to be cycled through. Everything was delicious, but that was little consolation when they were wasting so much time. They'd barely been able to be together since she returned to the palace; there was always something to do, and he was always busy. To her surprise and frustration, it wasn't even entirely lust that fueled her; she also just wanted to be near him, to speak to him, to make him laugh.

As bad as it was for her, it must have been much worse for him, she thought, because he couldn't feel her presence the way she could feel his. As he walked through the palace, or sat his throne, or worked at his desk, she could feel the bone-deep stress in his body. His bed even pressed unevenly against the floor, and she knew he slept uneasily at night.

"It won't be like this after we're married," he always promised her, but she knew better than to believe him. The Firelord was always busy; the only difference would be that all these assholes wouldn't be around to keep them away from each other when they had a spare moment. Oh, and she'd be queen. That was something. Maybe she could buck a few more of these shitty traditions, at that point.

Apparently things had been worse while she was away, Aang had told her a few days before when they were training out in the canyon behind the castle. Druk's sleeping schedule was ridiculous, and dragons didn't grow out of that for a year or two. They'd called in an old friend of Zuko's–though why he had friends in some bumblefuck town in the middle of the Earth Kingdom that raised pig cows and pig sheep, she had no idea–to be the dragon's handler, which helped the Firelord stop stressing about that, at least.

"Weddings should always have fights," Toph said thoughtfully.

"I'm still not changing my mind. They think we're goofy kids as it is."

Toph arched a brow at him. "I don't think anyone thinks you're a goofy kid, Sparky. But I didn't mean our wedding, I meant in general."

"Who would fight each other at a wedding?"

"Bride and groom, duh. The more stimulating the fight, the more compatible they are. If it's a crazy good show, you know they'll be together forever."

She could feel him frowning again. "I want to disagree with you, but I don't think you're wrong."

"Remember that fantastic fight we had when I came here for that stupid unity banquet and you gave a demonstration to my students?" Toph wanted to grin; she raised her fan in front of her face again, only her eyes showing her delight.

"Yeah," he said softly. "That was a good fight."

"We should have known then what would happen. None of that talking about romance in the garden bullshit. We should have just nodded and accepted our fate." She paused, knowing she sounded a little insincere. She treasured the memory of their talk in the garden, of touching his scar and admitting that, yeah, she'd developed an enormous crush on him in those couple of weeks she spent in the palace, training her students and kicking his ass. "Fight me."

"No."

"Well then, since no one can see under the table except us, I don't suppose I could convince you to–"

"No," he said again, more quickly. "Don't even ask."

"Why not?"

"I've been thinking about it all night and I…need to not think about it."

Well, that was an interesting development. Toph wondered if they were talking about the same thing. "Do you mean–"

"Whatever you're going to say," he said, tense, "yes. I've been thinking about it. All night."

"Then let's ditch this shit!" She set her fan down on the table.

"We just have to get through tonight." His voice softened again. "We need to go through all the appropriate motions and show everyone we're taking this seriously, that we're dedicated to each other and to our cause. Tonight's banquet and tomorrow's ceremony aren't just about us. It's about the future. Yu Dao, rebuilding the air temples, industrialization…"

"That shouldn't all be on your shoulders," she said slowly, mulling it over. "But I guess it is, whether it should be or not. So maybe I see what you mean."

"…and if anyone so much as glances our way after sunset tomorrow, I'm throwing them into the ocean," Zuko went on.

She had to raise her fan again to hide her smirk.

—

Katara, Suki, Rei, Ai, and Ursa left with Toph at the end of the evening, walking her back to her room.

Toph would have preferred to walk alone, naturally. She expected Rei and Ai to tag along because that was their job, and Suki was pretty great and lived here, so that was fine. Katara, however, was pushy and obnoxious and sisterly, and having Ursa around was just weird. Toph never got over the feeling that her future mother-in-law resented her, either for normal son-stealing reasons, or because she was remembering her own horrible years as a bride in this palace. Either way, there was nothing Toph could do about those things, and she didn't particularly care.

She really hoped they didn't try to give her The Talk when they got back to her room, but when Katara got the servants to bring tea and desserts and bossed everyone into relaxing in a cluster in the sitting room of Toph's chambers, she was suspicious. When Katara suggested that Rei turn in early, and Ursa excused herself, Toph was absolutely sure of it. Ai was older, and had some kind of suitor or boyfriend or something. A guy whose name she mentioned a lot. They were probably banging.

"So, Toph," Katara said. Toph thought she could hear a little quaver in her friend's voice, and almost laughed. "Do you have any…questions?"

If only Suki hadn't been there, Toph would have loved to lie and say that she and Zuko had had wild sex. There had been that one encounter, but did it really count? He hadn't even taken off his pants. And Suki, as head of the Kyoshi Warriors, knew all the Firelord's comings and goings. She would know there hadn't been any comings.

"Yeah, I do have one question," said Toph. "Why are you still here? I'm ready to hit the hay."

She could sense Katara's irritation before she heard it in her voice. "I mean about your wedding night. I know you're young…"

Was she really going to do this?

"…and Zuko's a little older. He's also, um…well, his mom was telling me about …well, that firebenders can be–"

"We don't have to talk about this," Toph interrupted, waving her hand dismissively. "I see through the earth, remember? I think I've figured out how things work over the years."

"Are you sure?" Katara sounded worried. The other two women just sat there, ill at ease.

"I've busted prostitution rings in Yu Dao, Katara. I've seen some shit. Like, on the menu, there was this thing where you take an entire platypus-bear egg, and you put–"

"You're making that up!" said Katara. "You can't read!"

"Nope." Toph smiled complacently. "The Dark One had to read the whole thing out to everyone in tribunal as evidence."

"Who's The Dark One?" Ai asked.

"One of my metalbenders," said Toph.

"He and Sokka exchange really bad poetry," Suki said. "Somehow, they have each other convinced they're both good."

"He should have tried to make the menu rhyme," said Toph. "It would have made the trial a lot less boring."

"What did they do with the platypus bear egg?" asked Suki.

"You're not helping!" said Katara.

There was a heartbeat of silence, and then they all laughed. Even Katara.

"Okay, fine," she conceded. "I guess we should all get some rest, because we have to wake up before dawn to get you dressed."

"Can't wait," Toph said dryly.

—

"Well, well, well," said Sokka. "You're finally going to be a man."

Zuko stopped scrubbing his face with a towel and looked up, scowling. Aang, Sokka, and his uncle Iroh were all sitting around his bedroom, for some reason. It didn't even make sense; by any measure of the word "man," he'd qualified for a few years now. "Why are you here? I need to sleep."

"Getting some rest before the big night, huh?" Sokka grinned. Iroh chuckled. Aang looked sheepishly happy.

He hung the towel around his neck to keep his wet hair away from his skin, a sensation he couldn't stand. Luckily, he'd put on a robe before going from bath to bedroom. Sometimes, when he was in a hurry, he didn't; but that's because no one was supposed to just barge into his room without warning. This was the only crowd that could. "Let me try that again. Why are you here? I need to sleep."

"To give you tips?" Aang said.

"I don't need tips," Zuko frowned. "So you guys are here to make fun of me?"

"To welcome you to the married men club," Iroh amended, ever the peacemaker. "If things had gone differently, you would have been married for years by now. I was only seventeen at my own wedding. But then, I was girl crazy." He winked.

"Too bad," said Sokka. "If you'd gotten hitched earlier, you wouldn't have needed as much alone time. That's pretty sad, buddy. Aang told me about when he walked in on you jerking it."

"He didn't–" Zuko looked over; Aang had already jumped out of his chair and was heading towards the door, aided by airbending. "You get back here! That didn't happen!"

Aang reluctantly slid back into his seat. "You said there was no one in there with you."

"There wasn't! I was just having trouble slee–why are we talking about this? Now I can't sleep, again, because of you! Get out!"

"But I made us tea," said Iroh, pulling a pathetic face and gesturing to a tray of tea and snacks on the floor in front of him.

Zuko raked his hands over his face, looking at all of them: Iroh mischievous, Sokka probably drunk, Aang excited and afraid. "Fine," he grunted, sitting crosslegged in front of the tea tray. "One cup of tea."

They all slid down to the floor, and Iroh poured.

"We kind've thought we should give you advice tonight," said Aang. "I mean, we've all been married and you haven't, and a lot of my past lives have given me great relationship advice, too! Plus, we were all talking about it and we decided you have a really bad track record with girls."

"You what? No, I don't. Don't talk about me like that."

"For the record, I wasn't talking," said Iroh, leaning back and cradling his own teacup between his hands. "I was too busy laughing."

"We're just worried, is all," said Sokka, shrugging. "You screw up with a normal girl, she dumps you. You screw up with Toph…" He trailed off, looking bleak.

"…you just better not screw up with Toph," Aang finished for him, shuddering.

"Better not to find out," Iroh nodded.

"You agree with this?" Zuko asked his uncle, gesturing at the other two.

Iroh shrugged. "Your wife is a very unusual and stubborn lady," he said, "and you are a very unusual and stubborn man. You are a perfect match, but also a perfect storm."

Great, more platitudes. "Toph is my best friend. We get along great."

"But sooner or later, you're going to disagree," Aang said, leaning forward. "It happens to everyone, and in the past, well, you've always stood your ground. That's great most of the time, but in marriage…well…that's not really a good idea. You and I both know that peace is all about compromise," he said seriously.

"Okay, so we compromise," said Zuko. "Fine."

"That's not exactly it," said Aang.

"Then what, exactly, are you suggesting?"

Aang and Sokka looked at each other, then at Iroh, then back at Zuko. "Distract her with sex," said Sokka.

Zuko pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling another headache coming on. So that was how it was going to be: an evening with idiots, being idiotic. They were in for a long night.

—

Long after the other women were asleep, Ai snoring a little as she was wont to do, Toph was awake. It felt like an eternity ago that she'd looked for a bit of metal in the city marketplace to make a gift for Zuko. When had it been? she wondered. The day before the earthquake, or the day before that, perhaps? The little lump had rested on her bedside for the months she spent away from the Fire Nation, untouched. It must have remained so on Zuko's orders, the servants cleaning under it then replacing it every day. He always knew she would come back

She tossed it from hand to hand now, musing over exactly what to make for him, and in what form. Most Earth Kingdom couples traded rings on their wedding day, she knew, and Fire Nation customs varied depending on the island and town. Breaking off a small chunk of the gold, she spun it between her fingers, shaping it into a smooth ring like a potter would shape a vase. She could size it to his finger as he put it on.

She'd figure out what to do with the rest of the gold later.