MASS EFFECT 3

A story that just had to be told….

By: Emantsal

Chapter 3

"But Shepard," Kaidan began, still trying to wrap his brain around what had just happened. "I don't understand how this is going to defeat the Reapers. This," he waived his hand indicating the sheets of paper clutched there, "is a movie script!"

"I know that Kaidan. And that," she pointed at the table, "is a calculator." Turning back to painting letters on her armor in neon green and pink with black stripes, she continued, "Every since the Reapers and EDI and the Geth collaborated and found out that we are all nothing but the pawns of this entity called The Catalyst, which may be that strange Morris creature that we sometimes hear in our head, which is owned and operated by something that calls itself Bioware, I have worked with Tim and Harbinger, or T&H as I like to call them, to regain control of our own destiny."

"But Shepard," Kaidan tried again, "according to this, the only way to win the war requires you to become friends with everyone in the galaxy and save everyone's ass. But along the way you lose your friend Mordin, your lover, Thane, which I don't mind so much if he dies," the biotic's voice seemed to trail off as if he didn't really want his commander to hear.

"Take that back Kaidan," Jane yelled. She could hear him just fine. "Thane is delicious eye candy, just like you. I plan to keep you both chained in my cabin after this is all over."

"Commander?" Kaidan didn't think he had heard right. Was she suggesting?

"And maybe that Primarch, too…" she muttered to herself as she went about using a blow dryer to dry the paint on her armor. "Oh, and Vega….."

"Fuck you Bioware!" stood out in vivid contract to her usually pristine white armor.

"I took the liberty of decorating your armor too, Kaidan," she said, pointing to where his armor was lying on the floor of the armory.

"Harby is my Buddy!" was scrawled across the armor's back while next to it, Garrus' chest plate sported a bright yellow "Cerberus is my Friend".

"But Shepard," he tried one last time. "Why are there numbers assigned to every council race and even some people?" He's studied most the script, even highlighted his one name every time he was mentioned or had a line to say. It concerned him that Lt. Vega was mentioned four times more and that the drell had an astounding one hundred and two spoken lines, and was going to be with the commander in her cabin before the end of the, movie? Was that what they were doing? Making a movie? "And I thought Thane was going to die? Why is he alone with you in your cabin on page…. 87?"

"Kaidan, did you read page 89 through 105?" she asked, looking over to watch the human biotic quickly turn to those pages. She couldn't keep the laugh from escaping her lips when his eyes got big and he began turning every color of red… and then maybe a little green….

"But Shepard, I don't swing that way!" he protested.

"Of course you do, Kaidan. Or at least you will if you want us to win this war!" she went over to where he held the script open to page 97. "Look, that gets us 2,000 points and that could be the difference between retaking control of our lives or being the plaything of this Catalyst and Bioware. Thane and Garrus have already read their parts and have expressed no objections…"

"But Thane is supposed to die on the Citadel! How can he be in this scene when he's dead?"

"Do you really think I would let any one of my team die? I've worked it all out with TIM and Harby. We follow the script, see. The final scene will show what appears to be me surrounded by rubble of the destroyed Citadel. Only it's not the Citadel. The Reapers have like three of those things in deep space just handing out, you know. Something about a backup of a backup of a backup…. Just in case. Anyway, Mordin is going to develop a cure for Keprals and save the Krogans from the genophage. I in turn save the galaxy with my amazing points gathering skills and make friends with everyone in the known galaxy. Acording to the formula EDI has been able to develop, everything I've ever done will be quantified by some number."

"And those numbers help us win the war how?"

"Kaidan…. Kaidan…. We're not going to win the war. We're going to find out exactly who this Catalyst…"

MEOW!

MORRIS, GET DOWN FROM THERE!

MEOW MEOW

COME ON YOU LITTLE CAT. I HAVE A TREAT FOR YOU OVER HERE.

MEOW! PURRRRRRRRRR….CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH

"Shepard! What's happening?" Kaidan almost screamed like a little girl as the entire ship began to shake.

CRUNCH CRUNCH

"It's the cat! Catalyst! MORRIS!"

"Commander, EDI is trying to compensate for the unexpected turbulence. We're going to pull into the Citadel and park until whatever is going on is over," Joker came on over the comm. "This could be a good time to use that apartment Capt. Anderson told you about."

"There is that one adult toy store I wanted to stop at and look around a bit," she agreed. "Set course for the Citadel, Joker. And EDI, see if you can get a reading or some kind of link up to this Morris, and how he's shaking our ship."

"Affirmative Shepard."

"Come on Kaidan. There's nothing else we can do here," she said even as the shaking decreased and the purring sound moved away. "We need to rehearse the scene on page 46, so let's do that while we're on the way to the Citadel."

"Page 46… page 46," he said, thumbing through the script still clutched tightly in his fist. "Um…. Shepard…. Commander…. What exactly is pegging?"

"Oh Kaidan… Kaidan… you really have lead a sheltered life…."

"EDI, I want a security system so secure for my room that not even my underwear can enter or leave without me knowing about it. I don't want this Catalyst and Bioware to know what we have planned for them."

"I'm on it Shepard. Are you sure you want to be notified every time your underwear enters or leaves the room?"

"Yes. I want extra tight security."

"Your underwear just left the room."

"But I'm in the cargo bay, EDI."

"I know Shepard. Thane was just leaving your room."

"Oh, OK. Is he wearing the matching set or just the thong?"

"Ser Krios is currently searing just your thong, Shepard."

"Thanks EDI. I'll deal with that drell later."

A/N: Once again I make no apologies for the insanity of this offering to the story gods. Might be updated again in a few days... maybe...