She restores me

by K-Shandra

A thousand conflicting thoughts enters his mind on hearing her name, and predominantly one emotion that fills him – regret. Regret for the decisions they had made, closely followed by fear, fear that she regretted their time together. Fear that she had moved on, and above all the fear that she was indifferent to him now. My humblest apologies for posting the wrong story's chapter 2

2. Chapter 2

Title: She Restores Me – Chapter Two
Disclaimer: Not mine, but fun to play with, sigh.
Written: December 2015
Language: International English.
Word Count: 2,459

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After their initial meeting it was easy to step into his role, although the lack of responsibility for everyone on the team, for the lab, for the cost of the investigation, in itself was welcoming, allowing him to simply apply his mind to the matter at hand. Although he quickly became engrossed with the case, well beyond what they had requested of him, but then it was not difficult, it allowed him to see her, work with her again, something that has always been easy to do.

There were some awkward moments with Greg, and D.B. must have understood his desires, because he and Sara were paired up so to speak. Yet he knew many would be keeping a close eye on him, on her, and how they interacted. And he had no doubt whose side they would take, if things turned personal.

But from the first moment of their exchange he had realized that she had her mask in place, and that there would be very little that would seep through it. It was one of the things, which had made keeping their relationship a secret from the others so easy. She could control her emotions… well as long as it did not involve abuse, because then her anger would get the best of her. But he had also learnt that her anger was a response to the helplessness she had felt as a child, a helplessness she felt at her ability to prevent it… her compassion for victims is what got to him the most… possibly what made him love hr more, and what had broken through his shell. For if she was capable of feeling that for them he could only imagine the passion she could release on the one she loved, truly loved, and he had know that as well, which was why he had watched her interaction with the others, had listened to what they had said to get an idea of how things were.

Looking at her for conformation, for feedback, for anything was as natural as breathing. Knowing that on this he was not alone, was…. nostalgic, he missed working with her, sharing his ideas with her.

And through all the moments of interaction with the others, all the shared conversations and the moments together, the only ones that really mattered were those with her. And then he had not needed to talk, well unless it was needed, simply basking in her presence was enough to keep him content – at first.

Their trip in the car to Heather's had felt odd, he could find anything to talk about, and jet there was so much he wanted to tell her. She rambled as she usually did in uncomfortable situations, and facing Heather on any day was uncomfortable for Sara. He knew that. Thus he remained content to simply listen to her, the cadence of her voice. He had missed it so much. It brought forward all those memories and the images that haunted him most, the ones he longed for most. His favourite had always been waking up in the morning, when then mingled scents filled the air, when the sheets were warm and he was still lazy from sleep simply indulging in the moment of her being there with him. The calmness that greeted him, the freedom he had had to wrap his arms around her, to simply indulge in he moment and watch as she opened her eyes and gave him a lazy smile before snuggling closer. Sometimes it had been just their instinctive need to be close, touching. Just someone there, someone you loved and you knew loved you in return. He longed for that.

Her short speech on their arrival confused him for he had thought they were talking, only he had yet to say something. The same as he could not understand why she would think they could not work as a unified team, he would always choose to side with her, they were working together.

And when she looked at him in expectation of his response, his reply to her ramble, which had covered so many things at once. The intonation of her voice, its altercations and what it masked, at the same time left him confused. He thought he knew what she was saying, but the more he thought of it the less made sense. So he said he sided with honesty, with what he had felt since seeing her again, "Seeing you again left me a little speechless." He knew it was not what she had hoped to hear, her reaction to his words telling enough. She appeared somewhat shocked, like it was not what she wanted him to say, that she did not want to deal with it, which in itself was more telling. He had often seen it, when she was not willing to delve any deeper into whatever situation they were facing, although he took heart from the fact that she did not tell him it was inappropriate that his timing was wrong. And it could not have been more wrong for what had awaited them. it alone had reminded him of the chasm that had in actual fact opened between them, that the bridge they were standing on were made of little more than paper.

He had an instinctive need to protect Heather, their friendship almost demanded it of him. He also knew that Sara ad the tenacity of a bulldog that had smelt blood. For years he had admired it but also feared it. It had been that very nature that had pulled them together and pushed them apart on occasion. He knew Heather was a sore point to her, but he had no idea how he could tell her, make her understand that she, Sara, was the woman he loved, the woman, the friend, the partner he missed. That there were still so many things he wanted to say to her, share with her.

He watched them as he approached with Heather and felt like an absolute outsider. It was as if a line had been drawn and he was on the wrong side of it. The people who stood beside her acted as a united front. One he regretfully did not belong to. Yet he asked for Heather to be treated with respect, and although she had not like it, Sara had agreed. Yet the look D.B. gave him made him realize that maybe he had asked too much this time, that he had in fact lost any ground he had gained, burnt the flimsy paper bridge that had been erected between Sara and him.

He had watched part of the questioning, saw Heather's resistance to Sara, how she goaded Sara eventually causing Sara and Catharine to leave. For the first time he understood why Sara responded to Heather the way she did. HE knew there was a time that Heather and he were close, but it was not like that which he shared with Sara. And although the woman was his friend it was easy to determine which he could exclude from his life…

Whenever she looked at him, he felt some sense of expectation as if she was waiting for something. Had he known what he would have given it to her. Her passion was still there, just below the surface, and he longed for it to come out, longed to see it again. He had not come prepared, had not expected to be thrown as off kilter as he was, had not expected the uncertainty. He knew that he loved her and that it would not be easy – well personally. Professionally, he was proud of her proud of how she had grown, how she just seemed to fit there, and knew why she had decided to return, to stay, why she could not leave. But as easy as it was for his mind to accept it, his heart objected, he objected. Although he knew he had no right, had let her go, his heart seemed unwilling to relent, his emotions felt ever more raw the more time they spent together. There was this hope that they could salvage something… if only their friendship.

Her offer of help, welcoming. He would welcome any opportunity to spend some time with her, even though he had no idea what the bees had to do with the case. But it gave him the opportunity to be honest with her, to tell her what he felt, although he had to mask it as well. He could feel himself draw close to her, it seemed inevitable at times. Gravitation he would thing and then Hodges appeared, the amount of times that man had ruined a moment for them were far too many and he felt the familiar anger rise towards the man, although his information did provide them with a lead, one that would have them working together again. Well after he trained the bees.

Ecklie had offered to pay for his accommodation, for the duration of his stay, however he had declined. Instead opting to stay with his mother, something he came to regret. For within moment of her discovering that he and Sara were working together again, things became difficult. Although his mother had never pushed the issue or the divorce, she loved Sara, for many of the same reasons he had. She had no desire to see either of them hurt – again – and he had to respect that, and he heeded her warnings, even though they went against everything he wanted. His mother respected Sara for putting her foot down, for letting her know that she would not be walked over. His mother had only later acknowledged to him that because of their differences in ages, that he might have settled for someone who was not his equal in intelligence – because then it would not work. Not that it had in the end. Thus he preferred to be at the lab, to remain as close to her as he could.

And yet they could work together, almost seamlessly. She could challenge him, push him, make him consider all different kind of options. But then working together had never been their problem, letting each other know what they were thinking, feeling, that was where the weakness in their relationship lay. That and the propensity to make important decisions, sometimes life altering decisions, the type that affected their relationship, without consulting one another.

His life suddenly held meaning again, he looked forward to going to the lab, even though she had her guard up and kept conversations mostly work related, and for the first time they worked as equals in the lab, it was humbling.

He no longer felt lonely. The stark contrast to the life he had chosen was not lost to him. He had always thought he worked best on his own, well not on his own, when se was around him, she somehow tuned into his thoughts, even channelled them at times. She did in fact complete him. It sounded pathetic, but for the first time in two years he felt alive, really alive again.

He had thought to ask her what she had done with the remainder of his things, whether she had placed it into storage, but then he would know about it. He wanted to open the channels of communication to her, outside the lab, but could not bring himself to utter the words. Somehow they seemed inappropriate, as if demanding to know what had happened to the stuff that had remained in their home, was being too demanding, pressing the end. And yet he still thought of it as their home, although it no longer was. It was as surreal to him now as receiving the signed papers had been.

If only he could reach out to her touch her, pull her close again, and tell her what was in his heart. But he couldn't, he felt too vulnerable in her presence, and the possibility that she could reject him at that moment, at the height of her career, so he kept quiet congratulated her as best he could. This time he would do the right thing, would support her, would allow her to continue on her chosen path, he could offer his services as a consultant to the lab. That way they could possibly even rebuild their friendship, even though he knew he would always want more of her. He would always remember them, and morn what he had given up.

Her words cut deep as she had bid him a hospitable farewell, telling him she hoped he would find what he was looking for out there. But it was not out there, he knew. What he sought, what he really wanted was something he had once had before; his friend his soul mate, and she was not out there. He knew where to locate her, he just remained uncertain whether or not he would be welcome. Although from her words, it was clear that she had reached some point of closure on their relationship. That is what hurt the most, that she has emotionally moved on from him, from them. That instead of moving on from him, she had remained the driven individual he had gotten to know. D.B. had done wonders with her, she seemed more level, she had matured from the young woman he had brought to the lab, and she deserved it all.

Her words stung him, like no other persons could, the goodbye so formal, so final. Especially when he had hoped they could regain some ground, that they could be friends.

He still had to bid Heather a farewell, and although he knew what he wanted to say, it was putting it into words that was difficult. He had also seen enough of Heather and Sara's hostility towards each other, to realize just what sore point it had been to Sara, although he knew it had been too late for Sara's and his relationship.

He wished he could again speak to Sara as openly. Tell her how he felt, how much his heart was weeping. How her farewell may have set him free – free to never return. But he had never wanted it, only her. But he would not be selfish this time. He would respect her decision, respect what she had worked so hard to achieve… He would leave her be – as much as it hurt.

That was why he had to get out of there, out of Vegas, to a place where he could allow the mask to slip, where he could give into his feelings, come to terms that it was over, accept what he had actually given up, and then move on.

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